"Christian! Can you come in here please?"
Sweetness drips from Faith's voice as she beckons her husband to join her in the bedroom. Christian jumps to his feet and bounds up the stairs in a rush of excitement, hoping his wife wants to have sex for the first time in several months. Just moments after she called for him, Christian rounds the corner and enters the room, only to find his wife sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs crossed and her hands folded across her knee.
It had only taken seconds for Christian to get from his chair in the den to the bedroom, yet Faith is sitting there as if he is late, and she has waiting for him for hours. Even without the daggers she is staring, her passive aggressive posture was enough to freeze Christian mid stride. So there he stood, one foot in front of the other, eyes wide, waiting for her to speak.
"You've been sinning again, haven't you?" Faith asked as deliberately as she possibly could.
"Sinning? What would make you say that?" Christian confidently replied.
"Do you see your dirty underwear over there on the floor?"
"Oh, Yeah. I'm sorry dear. I must have missed the hamper. It won't happen again."
"You said that last time. And I know damn well you didn't just miss the hamper. The hamper is all the way in the bathroom. You just left them right where you peeled them off like you always do."
"You're right. I know. It's a bad habit. I've had it for years, and it's going to take me time to change. I'm trying to change Faith. I really am."
Faith springs up from her perch at the edge of the bed, and wags her finger in his face. "And don't think for a moment that I don't see your sins."
"Why do you keep saying that? I haven't sinned."
"You have sinned. I know you have." Then Faith's voice turns particularly stern. "You remember the deal we made, don't you?"
"Yes dear, I remember."
Faith parks her hands on her hips and pushes her face out. "Did you think I wasn't serious? Do you think I'm some sort of pushover?"
"Yes, I mean no... I mean, no you're not a pushover."
"Well it doesn't matter what you think, I've already made the call."
"You called the church?" Christian asks in complete surprise.
"Yes. I called the moment I saw your dirty shorts on the floor."
Christian drops his head in shame. "Oh, I see then."
A call to the church could only mean one thing. Faith was at her wits end with Christian, and she felt she had no other option. The number she dialed was a lifeline of sorts, and on the other end of that lifeline was their church appointed marriage counselor, a no-nonsense retired football player that everyone simply called the deacon.
Knowing that the deacon was coming made Christian a bit nervous. He didn't want the deacon to see he wasn't changing his habits. He definitely didn't want him to know he still couldn't seem to find the hamper. So he hovered around the room pretending to tidy up, but as bent to pick up his dirty underwear, Faith stopped him where he stood.
"Oh no you don't." Faith warned. "You leave those right there. The deacon needs to see this. You pick those undershorts up and we are done."
"Alright, alright. If you think the deacon wants to see my dirty under britches, I'll leave them there."
"You know that's the rules. You heard what the deacon said. Now come sit with me on the bed and wait. He should be here any minute."
As Christian and Faith sit in silence waiting or the deacon, Christian remembers the day he first attended their church. It was years ago. When he was young, just a child really, but his memory of that day is still fresh and vivid. It was his mother that made him go. He didn't want to, but his mother insisted. She said he needed to atone for his sins.
As a child, his mother forbade him touching himself, but something deep inside Christian seemed to make that particular rule impossible to follow. It wasn't like he got up every morning and decided to break the rules, but somehow he ended with his hand in his pants. It just seemed like his penis had a life of its own, sort of like an itch, it just needed to be touched. Christian didn't see the harm.
Then there were the erections. They would pop up seemingly without reason. Christian always tried to hide them from his mother. Whenever she saw one of his telltale bulges, she would pull down his pants and humiliate him. Christian seemed to have no control over his penis, and eventually the humiliating yanking of his pants became a daily occurrence.
Finally fed up with Christian's inability to control himself, his mother sent him off to the Our Lady of Peter church and school for boys. She was sure that some time spent sitting in the house of god each day would cure him of his little problem. It didn't help. Neither the church nor the haggard old nuns lecturing about how masturbating was a sin stopped Christian's erections, and it didn't take long before his classmates started calling him Boner.
Christian hated this place, and resented having to go to school there. But the school required that he attend daily church service, and that had one redeeming quality. In the church where he first found Faith. It was at mixed mass, and the students from the girl's school would quietly file into the pews. Faith was one of those girls. Christian didn't know her, but she always smiled at him. Year after year he watched for her smile, never actually meeting her. Just admiring her from afar.
By high school, Christian outgrew the nickname of Boner. He still had a nickname. It just wasn't quite as nice as Boner. His new nickname was Libido Jackoff, or usually just Libido, and that mean spirited nickname described Christian to a T. Christian still couldn't stop playing with himself.
At that same time Faith had become even more shy, and a quiet. Sullen and reserved, she had become the school outcast. Her baggy clothes looked two sizes too big, and her face was mostly hidden by thick dark hair that sat on her head like a mop. In high school she had a different name too. Her thick mop of hair and bushy eyebrows had garnered Faith the nickname Sasquatch.
Christian knew that the other kids called Faith Sasquatch, and Faith knew he was known as Libido, but neither one cared. He still looked for her in church and she still smiled at him, all the while never speaking a single word to each other.
Faith and Christian were reacquainted the year after college. On a whim Christian decided to attended Sunday mass, and the woman sitting across the aisle had the most beautiful singing voice he had ever heard. There was something else about her too. He felt like he knew her.
As Christian attended more services he learned about the shy, reserved and devout women. Eventually Christian decided the woman with the amazing voice had to be Faith. The mop of hair was gone, and replaced by a short sassy haircut. Form fitting clothes accentuated her hourglass figure, and the bushy eyebrows that once earned her the name of Sasquatch had been plucked and trimmed to perfectly frame her pretty brown eyes. One thing that hadn't changed was Faith's beautiful smile. Had it not been for that smile, Christian may not have recognized her at all.
Christian and Faith married seven months after that chance meeting in the church, and their honeymoon was the first time either one had sex. They had no idea what they were doing. They kept the lights off, and hid under the covers. That was okay with both of them. Their religious education had made even the simplest of sex acts seem dirty and thrilling. Even the missionary position seemed racy and wrong.
Married life seem to suit Faith and Christian well. They were as happy as they had ever been, and were trying hard to start a family. Christian loved Faith deeply, and Faith was so happy she constantly sang as she went about her house chores. Christian especially loved it when Faith's song of choice was a church hymn. She didn't realize she was doing this, but she always sang hymns when she was horny.
Of course the bliss couldn't last forever. After several years a marriage, sex had become boring. It just didn't have that same thrill. Even with the covers off and the lights on, it had stopped feeling dirty. Then when they discovered Faith couldn't have children, she seemed to lose interest in sex all together. Faith still gave in to Christian occasionally, but still only in missionary position. Faith was just placating Christian and he knew it. Faith's singing of hymns had gone, and Christian felt she didn't love him anymore.
