Growing Pains & Pleasures

Chapter 6: Annie E.

My 26th birthday took place just after I slept with Jim at the end of my first year back in school. I had done great in school, felt in control of my life and my sexuality. My husband Tom supported my returning to school, but he didn't know about my relationship with Jim. He was advancing in his career and that seemed to be the only focus in his life. I didn't really think he was having any affairs, but he later told me he had slept around a few times. I had adjusted to this less than intimate relationship with my husband. We still had sex, but it was mostly a physical release for both of us. Tom still wanted fantasies about other guys and me. Sometimes I'd play along and act out or tell him fantasies, but only when "I" felt like it! He still got really turned on hearing and watching me act them out.

About a month after I had slept with Jim in the van, at the college parking lot, I knew that something was wrong. I hadn't had a period in quite a while. For the first time I realized that Jim and I had not used any birth control! Tom had a vasectomy a year earlier and I had stopped taking the pill shortly after that. Herb, the neighbor I slept with, had also had a vasectomy. I guess I just never thought about protection, I wanted Jim so badly. Anyway I was certain I was pregnant and that it was from Jim. When I tried to find Jim, I discovered that he had moved after the semester ended. I got a pregnancy test done and as I suspected I was pregnant. By this time, I was about six weeks along. I could now tell that my breasts were getting bigger and I felt some nausea once in a while. I was in a total panic! I was terrified of what Tom might do. I had no money of my own and I was trapped again!

Another week went by and everything seemed to be falling apart. My self confidence was gone, I couldn't believe I had been so stupid! I knew Tom would leave me when he found out! I was ashamed and humiliated, but I had to tell Tom. I had no place else that I could go. I didn't want anyone to know what I had done or was going to have to do!

I told Tom I needed to talk to him one evening after the kids were asleep. Before I could tell him, I broke into tears. When asked what was wrong, I started begging him not to hate me or leave me. He asked immediately if I had slept with someone again. I sobbed, "Yes". He held me and said, "Don't worry. It's all right. I won't leave you! Just tell me about it." I asked him several more times if he would still love me and not leave. I was frightened and confused, my world shattered. I told him briefly that I had made friends with a guy at school and ended up sleeping with him, but only one time. Tom said that he wasn't upset and it would be OK.

Then I blurted out, "Tom I'm pregnant!"

Tom was silent for a minute or too. My heart sank and I wanted to die right then. He asked me how I knew and I told him I had a test done. He was quiet again. I was crying uncontrollably. This was the worst moment of my life, as I waited for Tom to tell me to leave. What would the kids think? What about my parents and Tom's? We were both respected in the community with no hint of impropriety! Then he asked me if I wanted to keep the baby! I just shook my head no, unable to talk. He said OK; we'll get started tomorrow to take care of things. He calmed me down and told me it was all going to be all right. He would help me and take care of things and that he had no intention of throwing me out. He was wonderful about the whole thing, giving me time to think before we made the final decision to have an abortion. The pain that took place and the guilt about the abortion has been with me ever since. I'll never forget it!

I didn't realize the impact that this experience had on me until years later. It set me back farther than from where I had started in my growth as an individual. Just when I had begun to believe in myself and my value as a person, everything was destroyed by this event. Where before I was learning to find validation in my life from my own decisions and strengths, I now felt nothing I did was of value. I was desperate to show Tom (and myself) that I could do something right! When he promised to "take care of things" with the pregnancy and to continue to stay with me, I turned myself over to him completely again. It was like I was 18 and newly wed again! I had lost all my baselines for who I was and what I wanted in my life. I only knew I had to keep Tom and never let anybody know what happened.

The next night, I told Tom all the details about Jim and I. I had planned never to tell him, but things were different now. I felt I owed Tom anything he wanted. I felt worthless and undeserving. I had only slept with Jim that one time, but I don't think Tom believes me even to this day! Tom was so excited listening to me tell of my seduction of Jim! He came twice that night and several times later in the week. After the abortion, Tom began to ask me about sleeping with other guys again. The fantasy requests were becoming more frequent. Tom was very turned on all the time now it seemed. I was also very pleased with the attention Tom was paying to me now. I was so grateful that Tom hadn't left me, I was willing to do anything he wanted, and I told him so. I knew I was a worthless woman, but the fear that Tom might leave and that everyone would know about me made me desperate to keep him satisfied.

Tom asked me if he could watch me have sex with another man. I didn't say, "No", I just said I didn't know how that could be arranged. Tom said we could work it out. I knew I was in a mess now, but I couldn't see any way out. Tom suggested I see Herb again. We had moved to a bigger house, but were still in the same area as my old lover, Herb. I had talked to him on the phone a few times, but hadn't seen him for four or five months. The plan Tom suggested was that after seeing Herb again, I would ask him to spend a whole night with me at a hotel in a nearby city. Tom would get the adjoining room, and I would leave the adjoining door unlocked when Herb and I got there. That way Tom could peek into the room. I agreed to see Herb again and we would have to see what happened. I had a dentist appointment a week later in the old neighborhood, and I stopped to see Herb afterwards. He was delighted to see me. He got a neighbor girl to watch his kids and we went for a ride. I didn't know what to do or say. I kept thinking about whether I should ask him to sleep with me or not! Again I was confused and unsure! We drove for awhile. We stopped at a park and went for a walk. Herb told me he was moving to California at the end of the summer.

We both said how much we would miss each other. He told me that he had kind of hoped Tom and I would split up and he would have a chance with me. I told him I was staying with Tom, but I would have been happy with him too! We kissed and ended up making love in broad daylight under a tree in the park. It was a real quickie, grass stains, mosquitoes and all. I slid one leg of my jeans and panties off and he pulled his jeans just below his ass. My bra was undone, but my shirt never came off. It was over in less than two minutes! As we straightened up and headed back for the car, we noticed several people watching us. I suddenly became flushed and excited! I had been hesitant about sleeping with Herb before, but now, suddenly, I wanted to do it. I asked Herb if he would be able to meet me the next weekend for a night at a hotel. He said he would call and let me know what night! I didn't care if Tom was going to be there or not!

When I got home, Tom just somehow knew I had slept with Herb! I guess I was still all flushed and bothered. I had left right after getting back to Herb's house, no shower or anything. I never even went to the house, just got in my car and left for home. I admitted I had slept with him and explained how it had just happened spontaneously. He undressed me as we talked and was in me in a matter of seconds! He was so turned on, I don't think he heard half of what I was saying! He came quickly and loudly. After that, I told him again. He asked if anyone had seen us in the park. I thought he was worried about us being recognized and told him no.

Later he asked again about anyone who might have seen us. I told him no one was close enough to recognize who we were. He said, " But did they see you fucking?" I realized what he was getting at and I also realized that thinking about it made me hot too! I was sure that the other people in the park knew we had been fucking, but they couldn't have seen much because we never got undressed. The idea of being watched somehow made me feel sexy. When I told Tom that Herb was going to call me about going to a hotel next weekend, Tom wanted me again! As he started fucking me again, I thought about this being the third time someone was cumming in me in less than and hour! I felt like a slut! But I was so turned on by it; I started talking dirty to Tom as he continued pounding into me.

All that week we fucked like wild animals! I couldn't believe I was doing this! Letting Tom watch me with another guy! But I couldn't get over how hot it made Tom and how I felt some sense of control over Tom. I had almost lost him and that scared me so much! Feeling him want me and need me so much was overpowering. I also felt some fear and pangs of guilt, but I looked at myself differently now. Before I wasn't the kind of girl who did these things, now I saw myself as the kind who did it all and liked it! It was "who I was" not who I wanted to be or thought I had been. I believed I had to learn to accept that and live with that concept of me.

Tom and I rehearsed the "plan", trying to account for all possibilities. Tom would be there early so no one would see him. We had reserved a room next to Tom's in Herb's name. I would check in and wait for Herb to get there after work at 11PM. I took some sexy things Tom had bought me, garter belt, stockings, lacy bra with open cups so that half of my tits showed. Tom wanted me to take the dildo we had, but I was too embarrassed. It was going to happen and I wanted it to! That's Chapter 7!