We all have deep rivers of desire that run through unlit corridors of the soul. Alien personalities full with cravings of the shadow self that we strive to keep in check. If we do not find ourselves sufficiently sexually fulfilled then we become vulnerable, and if by ill chance we stumble upon a door that opens upon our darker soul we will find ourselves irresistibly attracted to the path through the darkness beyond and a life that spirals away, ever downwards. Having once embarked upon that journey, the darker soul within grows in strength and we are flung further off balance and risk losing who we are.
Judy is a discontented wife, ripe for the plucking. Unfortunately for her, Will recognised that too when he walked into the clean wholesome charity shop...
I have not been looking for an affair! Really I haven't. But already I know this guy means too much to me, it is already too late I cannot give him up. I need him, and I would rather give up anything else not to lose him. I know it is wrong, I am a married woman, but I am not strong.
It had started out so innocently. Working as a volunteer in a charity shop while my husband was at his job just seemed like a worthwhile use of my time. Colin and I have not been getting on very well of late. He can be so controlling and he keeps such a tight handle on the money. I am sure he just needs more time to learn he can trust me. Yet I hate having to ask him for money to buy clothes and stuff. I hate that he can say no and if he thinks what I want is too flirty he will say no. I could not believe he would turn out to be so mean. We have rowed about it, but it never seems to make any difference. In the end I have just learned to accept that's how he is, but inside I am seething about it. It's funny I don't think I was aware of that before, just little by little I accepted the situation. It's only now with Will on the scene that I realise how lacking my relationship with Colin is.
Don't get me wrong, I have never gone short for anything. We have money, it's just I can only spend it on what he approves of. Anyway, Will is a handsome guy and he comes into the shop and starts paying me attention, and I quickly become interested. He enters and looks around then buys something as an excuse to come over and talk and flirt with me. He is so obvious. He clearly wasn't interested in the things he had bought, I expect he threw them away as soon as he got outside. I find myself looking forward to his arriving and as soon as I see him my heart skips a beat. I love the way we both pretend not to notice each other while he looks around. Then when he comes over and we chat neither of us want the conversation ever to end.
I don't know, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just unwilling to acknowledge that I have already been thinking my marriage is coming to an end. Colin and I have different interests, and he never shows me as much attention as Will does. We seem to just be staying together out of inertia rather than any desire for each other's company. I tell myself I am loyal, but that makes no difference as I am falling headlong for Will. I tell myself it's wring but I don't want to stop.
The girls in the shop all encourage me too. I have spoken with them about my frustrations with Colin and I guess they think it would do me a world of good to spend time with someone who makes me feel good about myself. Oh hell, I am not fooling anyone here am I. I crave his attention that is the honest truth. He is a man who knows his own mind. He is strong and he makes me feel weak, which I love about him. Colin used to make me feel that way but it turned into something else, his need to be in control. I wanted him to dominate me and make decisions on my behalf and be the man I needed. But what had started as his obsession with me had faded into his confining me. It was no longer about me, but about him.
Will is such a strong man too, and he knows his own mind. I feel giddy in his presence as though my brain becomes jelly with him around me. Today the sun is shining and he asks me to join him for a walk in the park. I can feel the sun's warmth upon my back while the lightness in my heart erupts into girlish giggles at whatever he says. I could not be happier knowing how Will goes out of his way to spend time with me.
"Tell me about your husband."
Oh God! He must have spotted my wedding ring. What should I say? I can't understand, why does he bring it up? I feel so embarrassed and guilty, yet I don't want to put him off. I feel bad about what I tell him, but I want him to want me. I tell him about the worst aspects of our marriage, all the things I am most fed up about in Colin. I feel vulnerable about being here with him, and I feel awful inside for telling this man bad things about my husband and that's when I realise how much I need him already. Deep down I tell myself I am not about to leave Colin, I just want Will to stay around.
"He controls everything. I have no money of my own. I have to get his approval even to buy my own clothes."
I am blushing, feeling so disloyal, but I tell myself that these things are true I am not making them up. How easily I allow myself to be fooled, how I do not notice all the good things about Colin that I do not mention. Will snorts. I can see his shoulders rise and fall as he chuckles. I expect him to say something against Colin, but he says,
"You like guys to take charge of you, don't you?" I am shocked at how easily he sees right through me. Am I that transparent? An electric thrill trills inside me. Is it possible this wonderful man that I cannot get enough of will also tap into my fantasy? Could he really be so perfect for me? Maybe I have been sending him subconscious signals and he is letting me know they are being received. I tell myself not to be so silly and he is not like that. Yet I cannot help but wonder whether I have found the strong dominant man I have lusted after. I wonder whether he might push me, keep me on my toes, make me work for his love. I am unnerved by my thoughts and aroused. A monster of passion that has slept inside me has been moved by his words. Anxiously I worry whether I would like that too much.
What is a life without passion? Colin may be there whenever I need him, he is dependable, but he will not make me feel as I feel right now. I should not think these thoughts, I should not feel this way. Yet in so few words Will has upset my thinking. We walk and talk in the sunshine through the park, and I hide as best I can the fire that has been ignited inside me. Will stops walking. I look around me, taking in for the first time where we are. We are in a secluded part of the park with mature bushes shielding a small private lawn. He turns to me.
"Would you like to earn some money that you can spend how you like?"
I laugh, as I laugh at anything he says. "Oh yeh!" I am sure he is just teasing me again.
"I'll give you £100 if you give me a blowjob right here, right now." I laugh again.
"Is that so? Well let's see your money then." There what will he say to that? Suddenly I stop laughing as he takes out of his wallet 5 crisp new £20 notes.
"I mean it. This is all yours if you give me a blowjob right here, where no one can see us."
I really don't know how to respond to that. It is still just a joke, isn't it? Yes surely it has to be.
"You say that to all the girls?" I respond coyly.
"I'm serious. Here take the money. Feel it in your hand. It is yours, just a quick blowjob. You can spend it how you like. What do you say?" He pushes the notes into my hand. This is becoming a bit too real and I feel uncomfortable.
"Are you serious?" I ask, turning all serious myself now.
"Yes. Serious."
This isn't right. I am upset.
"I am not a prostitute."
"I know you are not a prostitute Judy. I just love your company and you have a hot body. I can see you like me, don't you?"
I am irritated now. Why'd he have to ruin the mood with that prank? Did he really imagine I'd just give him a blowjob because he gave me some money to spend? I suddenly thought he knows I'm married and yet still he asks. I am fuming.
"I really do fancy you. You excite me. Just think of it as a little thank you. I want you to have it, and if the money can help you get some of the things you want but can't have, then its better you should have it."
He closes my fingers around the notes. I can feel him pushing me, and I like it - not that I would have let him know. I turn to him and say,
"I think I should be getting back to the shop now."
I can see he is disappointed in me. "I thought you liked me."
"I do," I say quickly afraid to disappoint him.
"Then think about it. I think you are very hot and I want you to have the money."
Think about it! I can't think about anything else. Was I right to disappoint him like that? Would I lose him? I knew my reaction had been the right one, that I should be angry but undeniably the idea of giving in and giving him what he wants is a turn on. It is a forbidden fruit. I have never done public sex before. In fact I have always been a good girl, dependable and doing the right thing. I start to feel resentful that as a result I have managed to deny myself some of the real pleasures in life.
I didn't mean to, but I start to think about doing it, doing something Colin would so strongly disapprove of, something that so excites me, so overtly sexual. It would be terribly wrong of me, and yet I cannot get it out of my mind. The way he just came out with it; that he told me I attracted him and then I thought of the money: the freedom of having some money of my own to spend as I like. I recall the cool, crispness of the notes in my hand: virgin notes. I am confused, an inner struggle between what is right and wanting him to push me beyond what I would otherwise dare not do. I liked the idea of him making me do something so outrageous. I know I am not a prostitute, and I fancy this man so it was not like he was some stranger. Stupid thing is he didn't need to pay me to give him a blowjob as I would have done it for him anyway. Yet agreeing to give him a blowjob in a public place for money was turning me on. It was like a dare. One that you instinctively know you should not rise to, but you secretly want the desire to overwhelm you.
The next day he walks into the shop and I feel relieved. I really had got myself into a stew thinking I had rejected him and would never see him again. I knew in that moment I would do it, and I knew he wanted me to do it. When he comes over I say,
"I'd like to go back to the park." He smiles at me.
