Some marriages hold secrets, and some relationships hold hidden desires that each partner, for whatever reason, feels unsafe to discuss. These discussions, or fantasies need not always be acted out, but for a relationship to be strong, these hidden desires should be explored and verbalised.
My story is about myself and Ava, my wife of four years. We were always honest, or at least I thought we were, and we needed that honesty in our lives. I had met Ava through work some years earlier, whilst on secondment in London. She had trusted me enough to move with me to my home town of San Diego, and we both had secure and private lives.
The hidden part of our story began one lunch time, after a particularly erotic night where we had shared a bit more than normal. As we sat with our orange juice and croissants, Ava had asked me what my sexual fantasy was, and I immediately felt that struggle of being honest or being careful. I decided on this occasion to be honest.
I was nervous, and worried that she would see my desire as a sign that I had lost interest in her, but I bit the bullet and sheepishly came out with it.
"Well, to be honest, I have been fantasising about watching you have sex with another man."
Her look was just as I expected, perplexed and taken aback, and in her strong London accent said, "are you bored of me?"
I immediately reassured her that "I was more in love with her now than I ever had been, and it was nothing like that."
"Then why, I don't understand, where has this come from?" her look of puzzlement not showing any signs of fading.
Again, I tried to reassure her, "it's not because I don't want you," I offered, holding my hand out in a sign of openness.
"Why?" was all she could say.
"I don't know exactly," I explained further, trying to smile but wondering if I should have gone for the careful option, though I had no thoughts what a careful fantasy would be.
"Watching you have sex with another man, without any concern for my pleasure is, in some way, kind of a turn on," I stuttered "if that makes any sense?" The whole thing was beginning to make less sense now it was out of my mouth.
I continued "you know this is a fairly new fantasy for me, and is has nothing to do with emotions, it is purely sexual, and I figured that as you asked me, I should be open, and if it was ever to become a reality, then I should just tell you."
I waited for her response, knowing, or at least assuming, that for most women, sex was often more to do with emotion than physical satisfaction.
She took another drink from her orange juice, possibly wishing it was wine, as I waited for her response. The silence seemed to last an eternity before she finally spoke.
"I'd consider it."
We both sat there looking at each other.
After that and often in bed, we ran through all the different scenarios and challenges that making this fantasy a reality would present for our marriage.
One evening we were speaking and I said as we sat in bed.
"I don't want to over analyse it too much, but do you have any concerns, anything you're worried about?"
She asked me "what if you feel threatened by having another man with me?"
"I quickly responded, "I would only be threatened if there was some lingering emotional attachment."
"So, it would have to be a stranger," she said, "maybe someone we pay?"
"Maybe we treat it like a business transaction?" I suggested "that way when it is over, they just get up and leave."
"What if I am not attracted to him?" she asked
"Babe, you get the final say," I offered in submission to her needs.
"What if I'm too attracted to him," she countered
"Ah, too attracted, good point," I thought carefully about the fantasy "well I kind of want you to be attracted to him, the more into him you are, the hotter for me."
"Yeah, I can see that," she smiled, warming to the thought
After many more discussions, we realised that our marriage was strong enough for us to take the risk, and we had left no stone unturned.
The day finally arrived, and we sat on the two-seater sofa speaking to Greg, if that was his name.
"Sorry, we are new at this and just a bit nervous," I said to Greg as he sat opposite on the large sofa. He was medium height and build, short hair with close cut beard, well stubble I guess. He was wearing a shirt and loose tie, trousers and a pair of slightly worn trainers, casual, but not scruffy.
"Well I'm not," he said, putting the money we were paying him to one side "and this is not my first time."
"Right, right," I stammered, my nervousness showing through "exactly, that's why we contacted you, we were hoping you could kind of take the lead and," my words tailed off as Ava held on to my arm at the side of me.
"Yeah of course," he replied in a warm and gentle tone, "why don't we start by Jenny (yes we used false names) coming and sitting next to me here."
Ava got up and walked over to him, looking back at me all the time.
He looked at me and added "and you can sit there, or come over here with us, whatever makes you comfortable."
Ava was smiling at me as she sat next to him, she was wearing a light cerise blouse, black skirt, matching black underwear and black stockings. It all seemed kind of surreal, but Ava seemed relaxed.
Turning to Ava he said, "and you, you can come right here," as he put his arm around her shoulders and drew her in to his lips.
That was it then, or that is how it felt, within seconds, this stranger had his arm around my wife and was moving closer to her lips, they were both smiling. I saw their lips connect, their mouths open and their tongues begin to explore. Ava looked at me, was she nervous, or was she checking for approval?
"Tell him you love him," Greg told Ava as she looked at me.
"I love you," she giggled as Greg placed his strong hand on her breast, on the outside of her blouse.
I just watched as I heard her breathe more heavily, the two of them leaning back into the large brown sofa. He was behind her now, and was unbuttoning her blouse, revealing her black bra and full breasts. I started to unbutton my shirt as Ava kept her gaze fixed on me.
I saw his hand quickly dart between her legs, brushing and pressing the outside of her black pants. She took her blouse off and he lifted it away. She brushed her hair from her face as he clasped her face with both hands and began to kiss her again. It was amazing how she maintained eye contact with me almost all the time. She seemed to be relaxing more as he kissed her neck, and then back to her lips.
Ava leaned back as he knelt in front of her, his lips now kissing between her heaving breasts, I saw her lower one of the cups on her bra, her full breast falling out. Greg was a quick worker, and in a moment, he had her bra off, all the while she looked at me.
He pulled her upright again, once more kissing her lips as he held her face. I could see her mouth wide open as his tongue explored. His hands dropped to cup her breasts again, her hands by his side, she was more passive than I imagined, maybe waiting for me to approve her next move.