Some marriages hold secrets, and some relationships hold hidden desires that each partner, for whatever reason, feels unsafe to discuss. These discussions, or fantasies need not always be acted out, but for a relationship to be strong, these hidden desires should be explored and verbalised.
My story is about myself and Ava, my wife of four years. We were always honest, or at least I thought we were, and we needed that honesty in our lives. I had met Ava through work some years earlier, whilst on secondment in London. She had trusted me enough to move with me to my home town of San Diego, and we both had secure and private lives.
The hidden part of our story began one lunch time, after a particularly erotic night where we had shared a bit more than normal. As we sat with our orange juice and croissants, Ava had asked me what my sexual fantasy was, and I immediately felt that struggle of being honest or being careful. I decided on this occasion to be honest.
I was nervous, and worried that she would see my desire as a sign that I had lost interest in her, but I bit the bullet and sheepishly came out with it.
"Well, to be honest, I have been fantasising about watching you have sex with another man."
Her look was just as I expected, perplexed and taken aback, and in her strong London accent said, "are you bored of me?"
I immediately reassured her that "I was more in love with her now than I ever had been, and it was nothing like that."
"Then why, I don't understand, where has this come from?" her look of puzzlement not showing any signs of fading.
Again, I tried to reassure her, "it's not because I don't want you," I offered, holding my hand out in a sign of openness.
"Why?" was all she could say.
"I don't know exactly," I explained further, trying to smile but wondering if I should have gone for the careful option, though I had no thoughts what a careful fantasy would be.
"Watching you have sex with another man, without any concern for my pleasure is, in some way, kind of a turn on," I stuttered "if that makes any sense?" The whole thing was beginning to make less sense now it was out of my mouth.
I continued "you know this is a fairly new fantasy for me, and is has nothing to do with emotions, it is purely sexual, and I figured that as you asked me, I should be open, and if it was ever to become a reality, then I should just tell you."
I waited for her response, knowing, or at least assuming, that for most women, sex was often more to do with emotion than physical satisfaction.
She took another drink from her orange juice, possibly wishing it was wine, as I waited for her response. The silence seemed to last an eternity before she finally spoke.
"I'd consider it."
We both sat there looking at each other.
After that and often in bed, we ran through all the different scenarios and challenges that making this fantasy a reality would present for our marriage.
One evening we were speaking and I said as we sat in bed.
"I don't want to over analyse it too much, but do you have any concerns, anything you're worried about?"
She asked me "what if you feel threatened by having another man with me?"
"I quickly responded, "I would only be threatened if there was some lingering emotional attachment."
"So, it would have to be a stranger," she said, "maybe someone we pay?"
"Maybe we treat it like a business transaction?" I suggested "that way when it is over, they just get up and leave."
"What if I am not attracted to him?" she asked
"Babe, you get the final say," I offered in submission to her needs.
"What if I'm too attracted to him," she countered
"Ah, too attracted, good point," I thought carefully about the fantasy "well I kind of want you to be attracted to him, the more into him you are, the hotter for me."
"Yeah, I can see that," she smiled, warming to the thought
After many more discussions, we realised that our marriage was strong enough for us to take the risk, and we had left no stone unturned.
