Sneaking around instead of speaking up.
I honestly believed that I was a bad person for no longer feeling attracted to my ex-husband. So as not to hurt him, I kept quiet as that waning desire continued to fizzle away. I just couldn't find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. Instead of communicating honestly with him about my feelings, I ended up truly being a "bad person" when I cheated (while I also hoped he wouldn't find out about either). Deep underneath this pattern of guilt-leading-to-silence was a belief that I was not worthy of someone loving me as much as my ex husband did.
Lesson learned: What I now realize is that our beliefs and how we see ourselves can lead us to do some very crazy things. Belief systems are a powerful catalysts for behavior. By working on myself, I was able to finally overcome this pattern.
Remaining stuck in an immature mindset.
I realize now that I lacked the maturity and the life skills needed to properly face the problems my ex-husband and I were experiencing at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication would break down and, as a result, so did our intimacy. I didn't know how to change that dynamic or manage my thoughts about those conflicts either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn't love me. So, I "acted out" to have my own back.
Lesson learned: Keeping communication channels open is vitally important because by the time you sense communication has shut down, intimacy has usually already slid away from you. Before you know it, you are yearning for intimacy and connection deeply just no longer with your mate. I often hear that wives who cheat do so because of this very same communication breakdown in their existing relationship. They feel frustrated, no longer heard or misunderstood and they seek comfort, connection, and refuge in the arms of someone else.
My need wasn't wrong, but my actions were.
At the time I had my affair, passion in my relationship felt dead. I wanted my ex-husband to long for me, want me and care enough about me to woo me. But our relationship fell into a day-to-day routine, taking all the excitement out of it, and the passion died. I wanted to break free from that and thought the best way to do so was through a selfish act (having an affair).
I now realize that looking for passion outside of my established relationship was a short-lived solution, and that's all it ever could be. Working on rekindling what my ex and I once had - which was a lot - would have probably been the better option.
All of my reasons may sound like excuses and, you know what - my affair was a selfish act. I will be the first to admit it. I had options, choices, but when I put myself in the shoes of who I was at that time, I really felt then that an affair was the solution.
My overall feeling now is that if you are a woman who is contemplating becoming part of the cheating wives club (or you are a woman who already has cheated), then I ask you to seriously contemplate what you hope to get out of it and what has turned you toward such an action. If you're chasing happiness, I'm here to tell you that happiness comes from within. No one else can create that happiness for you.
Ultimately, I don't regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone - the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.
As I stepped over the bridge railing and leapt into the empty air, that thought of happiness competed with the question of how long before I hit the water 550 feet below.
