I woke, as I almost always did, with the wonderful pressure of an erection against my ass and fingers finding my sex.
But it burned.
It hurt.
It itched.
I caught the hand (Wayne's if it matters) and pushed him away.
"Just a minute baby," I said, crawling past Tom and heading for the bathroom.
It burned when I peed and itched like crazy when I wiped.
I went into the bedroom and turned on the light and went to the dressing mirror.
And I had a rash everywhere they had shaved.
"Oh shit," I said aloud.
And then I couldn't help myself and I laughed.
I threw on my housedress and headed downstairs to the great room and began banging on the big old school bell that we used to announce dinner.
I banged until all of them were in the room, yawning and scratching and still waking up.
"Guys," I said, still fighting to keep from laughing, "you have put me out of business."
I lifted the hem of the housedress.
And yelled as loud as I could "FRONT!"
Davey came and dropped to one knee, eyes down and intoned in his best James-Earl-Jones-as-Darth-Vader voice "What is thy bidding my mistress."
That was his answer to Mark's Roman salute. They really were an entertaining bunch.
"You," I intoned in my best schoolmarm voice, "go immediately to the CVS drugstore and get the largest tube of Desitin, that's D-E-S-I-T-I-N, and shag your ass back here as fast as you can. This ITCHES!"
He rose and intoning "At your bidding mistress" backed out of the room, turned, and headed for the front door at a literal run.
Wayne, my erstwhile barber came over and lifted me, Jesus he was strong, onto the table and then lifted the hem of the housedress.
"Light," he said and Tom ran into the kitchen and returned with a flashlight.
To say I felt exposed is an understatement as they gathered around, gently pushing me back so that I lay on the table and lifting my legs, "inspecting" me.
"Wellllllllllllllll," Wayne the barber said, "that's a new one on me."
Which made me laugh again.
"I didn't think you had intended this honey," I managed before dissolving into more laughter.
"Okay," I said, managing to get myself under control, "Davey, you are the best cook. Your itchy bride is going to shower and see if she can get some relief," I raised my hands for silence as four of them started what I assume was an offer to "help" "and I expect a good breakfast when I come back down. The rest of you, make yourselves useful."
I headed back to my room, walking a little bowlegged. Damn but that itched and I was so tender.
In the shower, I did my normal face-hair-ass sequence with particular attention between my legs. The slick soap offered some relief from the itching and I damn near came while I was "cleaning" things.
Finally, I was done. It was hard to resist the urge to almost violently dry where I itched but I figured that abrasions on top of a rash would be a bad combination.
I had just finished drying when the door opened and Davey came in, the biggest tube of Desitin I had ever seen in his hands.
I giggled.
"Thank you, dear," I said, smoothing a towel on the bed and laying back, "now cover ALL of the red up, please. It's a bit awkward for me to reach."
I almost cried. The cold zinc oxide-based medication was such a relief. I remembered using it on my son's diaper rash and how well it had worked on him. Now I hoped, hell, I prayed for equal relief and I was getting it.
"Ummmmmmmm," he said and I opened my eyes.
"What baby," I asked.
"You need to roll over Becky and I'll finish," he said acting almost embarrassed which made me laugh again.
"Davey," I said, rolling over and finishing my sentence into the pillow, "it's not like you haven't seen all of me you ever will without using surgical instruments."
I reached back and spread my cheeks.
He chuckled and smoothed the DESITIN the rest of the way.
I sighed with relief.
When he patted my ass and said "done" I rolled off of the bed and kissed him.
"Thank you, my love," I said, and I meant it.
I threw the housedress on again and we walked down to the great room hand in hand with Mark.
God, it looked like a breakfast buffet at Denny's.
I couldn't help but grin.
"God, I love you guys," I said, "now dig in. I hate to eat alone."
We ate but it was, well, quiet. I was used to our meals being filled with laughter and banter.