February *ucs: the Goat

George Anderson's story, February Sucks, has drawn more alternate endings than any other on Loving Wives. In the story a wife in what seems like a perfect marriage leaves a date with her husband to spend the night with a football player. This 999th ending starts with her return.

When Linda walked in at 12:30PM wearing the blue dress she left me in, I was surprised how ugly it turned in a few hours. I didn't see her come in, not because I didn't want to, but because she arrived so quietly.

"You surprised me."

"I didn't want the neighbors to know."

"Yes, of course you care more for their feelings than mine."

"I do not know how to explain it, but l am really sorry I hurt you."

"You're not sorry for what you did, not sorry for breaking our wedding vows."

"If I don't tell the whole truth now, we have no chance. I wish I could be sorry. It was everything I expected. I understand it would be better if I could say I was disappointed. I risked my marriage for a one time fling and I don't regret it. Still, there is so much to lose, for us and especially the kids, we have to find a way back."

"Easy for you to say. You had the thrill, while I had the pain. You think your actions affected us equally."

"I am not stupid. I know I owe you. The question is what?"

"Tell me, did you plan this with Dee?"

"If Dee was in on the planning, she would have gone with Marc. I did not meet Marc, until he came to our table. I certainly didn't plan it. Is that better?"

"It's worse. If it was spur of the moment, you can't guarantee it won't happen again. I will never be able to trust that you will be faithful. You had the sexual experience of your life. What can you possibly offer me."

"Oh my gosh, you are right, there is no way back. Our only hope is something new. I can't be your faithful wife. I will settle for a slut wife that you can live with."

"What?!!"

"For 4 years I will be the wife that owes you big. I will satisfy you sexually and every other way. You will even get a hall pass once a year. If necessary I will fix you up with a friend, or an escort if you prefer."

"That has promise, but I still can't trust you."

"What I do regret is that I settled for Marc, only an occasional all-star. He wasn't a goat (greatest of all time), a Jim Brown or a Mariano. He was not worth risking my marriage for. Every February 29, I will get a hall pass, but only for a more superior character. That will take care of my needs, and you won't have to worry for 4 years."

"Intriguing, how superior to Marc?"

"Let's do history. If it was a cheating president, it would not be Trump, Clinton, or JFK, too easy. Jefferson is interesting. He had kids with his sister-in-law who was also his slave. You think he was trying to follow Hebrew law, like a male Ruth. I would however pick FDR. He could cheat on his wife as good as JFK, and better than Clinton. But he did it paralyzed from the waist down. He also changed the country's economics, and won WWII. That counts a little.

"I lived with you for years, and I never knew how your mind works. Okay how about the military?"

"Got to be Patton. You know he believed he had past lives. I would be Cleopatra."

"He would be your Antony."

"Not a chance. Patton would have slapped that loser. He would be my Julius Caesar."

"How about literature? Hemingway suit you?"

"I hate the idea of suicide. I think I will have a lesbian affair."

"The belle of Amherst, Emily Dickinson?"

"No I want the woman who married a literary genius, and then exceeded him."

"Sylvia Plath married a poet laureate."

"A woman who married a real genius, Mary Shelley. More people know Frankenstein than anything Percy ever wrote."

"Okay, a movie star,"

"Not Jim Brown, he was a goat football player, but not as an actor."

"you like Ahnold?"

"The muscles are nice, but I want to be romanced on top of the Empire State Building."

"Cary Grant or Tom Hanks?"

"Neither, Not those wimps. I want a real animal, King Kong."

"He's a fake animal. I really thought there was no option but divorce, but this is worth considering. Before we continue, however, you have to be checked for STD's and pregnancy. Either is a deal breaker."

"Amazing what you don't think about when your estrogen kicks in. I will get tested tomorrow. We should know in two weeks. I hear the HIV test takes longer. Do we need to wait for that?"

"I will think about it. While we're waiting, you mentioned satisfying me sexually. Prepare a list of specifics. If it passes muster, we'll try it your way. My faithful wife could make that list. It should be easier for my slut wife."