He had changed. Every environment he entered now he was more acutely aware of the subtleties; the motion; the sounds; and the interactions. It was as if a switch had been flipped inside his crocodilian brain activating something old, primordial. For the most part he wasn't consciously aware of it's presence. However, if the environment presented itself that sense became heightened, as if every single nerve cell, and every muscle in his body was in acute stress response. He had no control of it, which sometimes made him angry. The upside of this new found "hot cognition" was an increased aptitude in reading business situations. Maybe it wasn't GROK, but it was close.
He thought back to that single intersection, and it's subsequent cause-and-effect. The one which altered his life beyond repair.
Jim had experienced the most humiliating event a man can endure. Total emasculation. His had been complete. His wife Linda had been the facilitated. His ex-friends were complicit. Now he wondered what about him made them think any of the evenings events would have been simply accepted. That really no longer mattered. They were out of his life.
When Linda came through the door the following day the entire scene was surreal. It was as if she had gone to the grocery to pick up milk and eggs. The event was seemingly that inconsequential to her view of their relationship, like getting a manicure. She tried to explain. It was the most powerfully erotic experience of her life, being fucked over and over, brought to intense climaxes she completely gave herself over too. She tried to dismiss. It was only one night and it meant nothing. She tried to deflect. It wasn't what you think. She even tried to blame. You let our intimacy get stale and unexciting. After the conversation ended Jim went in to the guest bathroom and stared in the mirror. Who was he now. He was still a man, but he was no longer 'her" man. Time moved forward, as did their lives, but he seemed disconnected to it.
The first time they attempted sex, he entered her studying her face, her expression. Jim admitted to himself later that if you search for something you will most likely find it. He found it in her eyes. He now saw a permanent "second best" smile. He apologized for not being that "Alpha Male", and conceded the inability to give her what he understood she deeply needed. He didn't cry, but he did momentarily hold his head in shame with the irreversible understanding that this part of his life; the most important portion of the relationship between a husband and wife, was permanently torn.
It took nature and biology, but he eventually was able to perform again. The lights were always out, so he could barely see Linda's face. He often turned her over on her hands and knees, fucking her harder than she was accustomed from him. Occasionally, he would join her in shower, bending her over with the water running down her back and a firm grip on her wet hips. Jim didn't even sense he developed the ability to separate emotion from the act. He grew to need to fuck her, but he never made love to her again. He knew he would never compare to her night with her fantasy that became a reality, or maybe, a nightmare. It no longer mattered. He had his own nightmare. Even though Linda continued to express her love for Jim, he finally broke down and admitted to her he could not possibly believe her. He didn't know that kind of love anymore. He even went so far as to tell her he couldn't remember what it had felt like. Now, it was just sex. It didn't mean anything.
Out of all of this came the ultimate acceptance. All men are not created equal, and that pivotal moment created the ultimate incongruity. It eliminated his doubt. When you're devoid of doubt, you become fearless. Jim was now unabashed, about his life, and the clarity to achieve his goal. It would test his strength, but he would secure his children's futures. They became the loves of his life. He would never abandon them. He would play the long game. He would work, and build, and grow. He would survive, so they might succeed.
———
Sitting in the hotel bar with his client his distraction did not go unnoticed. Charlie, the project manager on his assignment asked him what was going on. In a way, it allowed Jim to release some of the tension he felt from his observation. Jim said, "I hope this doesn't sound strange, but over years of travel I've developed a bit of a sixth sense. I hear conversations at a distance, and I recognize subtle interactions. Do you ever people watch?" Charlie, who was a little older than Jim, chuckled. "I guess, sometimes, doesn't everyone?" Jim laughed, unforced. Something he immediately recognized as rare in his daily routine. He said, "O.K., look at the right side of the bar." From their hightop table Charlie slowly turned and glanced, and quickly noticed 3 40-ish women, well dressed, and attractive. Then Jim pointed out the other end of the bar. "See the guy in the black leather blazer?" Charlie shifted his attention to a man in his mid-30's. The man was very attractive. Probably 6-2, trim, thick dark hair, and had piercing blue eyes. He reminded Jim of someone. Even though he was in a conversation his attention was directed at the other end of the bar, and that attention had been acknowledged.
Jim, in his new persona, a Knight Errant, excused himself and casually contemplated another intersection, waiting for the collision, and impact. The man approached the threesome and in doing so single out his choice. He monopolized the interaction and after a few minutes of smiling, laughing and the occasional light touch of a hand behind an arm, she stood, excused herself to her friends. The man dropped too much cash on the bar, placed his hand on the small of her back and began guiding her to the exit. As they drew closer Jim grasped that she also reminded him of someone and there was a very brief moment of hesitation. He made absolutely sure that the woman, wife, mother saw him moving, and as she passed, he leaned in and said "This will cost you everything. If you don't believe me, look in my eyes. You don't ever want your husband to see your second best smile."
The woman's eyes widened and there was subtle hitch in her step. She stopped, shifted her purse to her other hand, looked down, and slowly slipped her arm through her companion's and walked away. Jim wasn't surprised, or even disappointed. He moved to the 2 remaining women and asked a simple question. He then informed them he was a private investigator hired by her husband. If they valued their relationship with her, they might want to make a quick call, or send a text. He turned and walked away.
Getting back to his table he asked his companion what he wanted for dinner, and they agree on the Ruth's Chris across the street. He really needed some red meat. As they were walking, Charlie asked him what 'that" was all about. The answer was not evasive. "The woman on the end looks like an old girlfriend of my college roommate. Her name was Dee. It was my mistake, and I apologized."
He had just lied to his client. But it was a meaningless lie, with no impact on the relationship. He considered that concept and thought back to the night, and the following morning.The lie which perpetuated the event, and the truth which cemented it, were now simply a part of Jim regaining his own power, and reducing the power of others. There was no question in his mind one of her friends would attempt to contact her. Either way she would face her husband very soon with terrifying uncertainty. Whenever he interceded in these situations he coldly remembered the friends he had known. He knew they were never his friends.
Linda was in complete denial about the depth of the damage. She couldn't possibly comprehend how much Jim had changed in just a few hours. A piece of him was missing. A part which didn't have a spare or a replacement. She noticed it all, but seldom connected any of the dots. Without appearing to work many more hours he had become steadily more successful. In what seemed like a blink his salary had nearly doubled, and he was being asked to travel, and be more involved in strategic decisions. It had occurred to her that he might be having an affair, and her anger would rise. The slightest amount of guilt would squelch those feelings, but she never expressed regret or remorse for her decision. Linda even thought about their sex life, which was much more aggressive, physical, and spontaneous. She noticed Jim had begun to take much better care of himself, and even thought he might be trying to compete somehow with Marc LaValliere. Those thoughts were both humorous, and saddening. She tried to keep them pushed away. She had begun to miss the tenderness and soft intimacy of their old relationship, slowly beginning to understand it was gone, and not returning. Things had changed, and in the deepest part of her, she knew why. It was completely her fault, and responsibility.
Just as much as his job, Jim threw himself in to the role of a loving, dedicated father. He committed time and resources which might have been spent with her on family trips, cultural exposure, and even coaching and company sponsorships. Even though he immersed himself in his work, taking on extra projects and continuing to educate himself, he made himself available for every activity his children expressed an interest in. He was almost always where they needed him.
Linda eventually recognized that Jim was being groomed, his 400k salary, stock options, and whispers of a top executive job were a near certainty. She experienced Jim's lack of doubt often in simple, singular moments and in broad household decisions. She was asked her opinions, but if they differed from the premise, or deviated from the plan, they were at best, only lightly regarded. Linda also knew all to well that Jim would never again tolerate the type of humiliation she represented to him. He had become a confident, committed man, whom she often barely recognized.
