He had changed. Every environment he entered now he was more acutely aware of the subtleties; the motion; the sounds; and the interactions. It was as if a switch had been flipped inside his crocodilian brain activating something old, primordial. For the most part he wasn't consciously aware of it's presence. However, if the environment presented itself that sense became heightened, as if every single nerve cell, and every muscle in his body was in acute stress response. He had no control of it, which sometimes made him angry. The upside of this new found "hot cognition" was an increased aptitude in reading business situations. Maybe it wasn't GROK, but it was close.
He thought back to that single intersection, and it's subsequent cause-and-effect. The one which altered his life beyond repair.
Jim had experienced the most humiliating event a man can endure. Total emasculation. His had been complete. His wife Linda had been the facilitated. His ex-friends were complicit. Now he wondered what about him made them think any of the evenings events would have been simply accepted. That really no longer mattered. They were out of his life.
When Linda came through the door the following day the entire scene was surreal. It was as if she had gone to the grocery to pick up milk and eggs. The event was seemingly that inconsequential to her view of their relationship, like getting a manicure. She tried to explain. It was the most powerfully erotic experience of her life, being fucked over and over, brought to intense climaxes she completely gave herself over too. She tried to dismiss. It was only one night and it meant nothing. She tried to deflect. It wasn't what you think. She even tried to blame. You let our intimacy get stale and unexciting. After the conversation ended Jim went in to the guest bathroom and stared in the mirror. Who was he now. He was still a man, but he was no longer 'her" man. Time moved forward, as did their lives, but he seemed disconnected to it.
The first time they attempted sex, he entered her studying her face, her expression. Jim admitted to himself later that if you search for something you will most likely find it. He found it in her eyes. He now saw a permanent "second best" smile. He apologized for not being that "Alpha Male", and conceded the inability to give her what he understood she deeply needed. He didn't cry, but he did momentarily hold his head in shame with the irreversible understanding that this part of his life; the most important portion of the relationship between a husband and wife, was permanently torn.
It took nature and biology, but he eventually was able to perform again. The lights were always out, so he could barely see Linda's face. He often turned her over on her hands and knees, fucking her harder than she was accustomed from him. Occasionally, he would join her in shower, bending her over with the water running down her back and a firm grip on her wet hips. Jim didn't even sense he developed the ability to separate emotion from the act. He grew to need to fuck her, but he never made love to her again. He knew he would never compare to her night with her fantasy that became a reality, or maybe, a nightmare. It no longer mattered. He had his own nightmare. Even though Linda continued to express her love for Jim, he finally broke down and admitted to her he could not possibly believe her. He didn't know that kind of love anymore. He even went so far as to tell her he couldn't remember what it had felt like. Now, it was just sex. It didn't mean anything.
Out of all of this came the ultimate acceptance. All men are not created equal, and that pivotal moment created the ultimate incongruity. It eliminated his doubt. When you're devoid of doubt, you become fearless. Jim was now unabashed, about his life, and the clarity to achieve his goal. It would test his strength, but he would secure his children's futures. They became the loves of his life. He would never abandon them. He would play the long game. He would work, and build, and grow. He would survive, so they might succeed.
———
Sitting in the hotel bar with his client his distraction did not go unnoticed. Charlie, the project manager on his assignment asked him what was going on. In a way, it allowed Jim to release some of the tension he felt from his observation. Jim said, "I hope this doesn't sound strange, but over years of travel I've developed a bit of a sixth sense. I hear conversations at a distance, and I recognize subtle interactions. Do you ever people watch?" Charlie, who was a little older than Jim, chuckled. "I guess, sometimes, doesn't everyone?" Jim laughed, unforced. Something he immediately recognized as rare in his daily routine. He said, "O.K., look at the right side of the bar." From their hightop table Charlie slowly turned and glanced, and quickly noticed 3 40-ish women, well dressed, and attractive. Then Jim pointed out the other end of the bar. "See the guy in the black leather blazer?" Charlie shifted his attention to a man in his mid-30's. The man was very attractive. Probably 6-2, trim, thick dark hair, and had piercing blue eyes. He reminded Jim of someone. Even though he was in a conversation his attention was directed at the other end of the bar, and that attention had been acknowledged.
Jim, in his new persona, a Knight Errant, excused himself and casually contemplated another intersection, waiting for the collision, and impact. The man approached the threesome and in doing so single out his choice. He monopolized the interaction and after a few minutes of smiling, laughing and the occasional light touch of a hand behind an arm, she stood, excused herself to her friends. The man dropped too much cash on the bar, placed his hand on the small of her back and began guiding her to the exit. As they drew closer Jim grasped that she also reminded him of someone and there was a very brief moment of hesitation. He made absolutely sure that the woman, wife, mother saw him moving, and as she passed, he leaned in and said "This will cost you everything. If you don't believe me, look in my eyes. You don't ever want your husband to see your second best smile."
The woman's eyes widened and there was subtle hitch in her step. She stopped, shifted her purse to her other hand, looked down, and slowly slipped her arm through her companion's and walked away. Jim wasn't surprised, or even disappointed. He moved to the 2 remaining women and asked a simple question. He then informed them he was a private investigator hired by her husband. If they valued their relationship with her, they might want to make a quick call, or send a text. He turned and walked away.
