Family Plan

This is my own story, there are many like it but this is mine. There is hardly any truth in this story at all, though it is based in places I've lived and jobs I have done.

[Before I tell you this, I'd like to point out that I am not nor have I ever been a surveillance expert, ninja/Navy SEAL/murder hobo, or a super-lawyer, so many of the usual responses found on Literotica are off the table in this story.

The only magic or wish fulfillment elements in this story are the super-fast and accurate test results from drugstore DNA testing... and the ease of getting time off from a manager at that 'brown' parcel delivery service.]

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My wife grew up an only child to two older parents; I always thought that one of the reasons she accepted my proposal was my big, inclusive family. It is hers now, well, most of it...

I met Kim in college, she sat next to me in a freshman chemistry class and wanted to bum notes off of me, because she couldn't understand the Sri Lankan teacher's accent. She was a tall, corn-fed blonde from a little town on the eastern slopes of the Rockies where nobody had ever heard a voice like his.

I offered to swap her tutoring for a date and happily, she agreed; by the end of the semester we were engaged. I think what sealed the deal was Thanksgiving with my family; she loved the clamor and sharing. She told me on the drive back that her aging parents didn't even celebrate the holiday. She envied my close relationship with my sister Jackie as well, and all the aunts, uncles, and cousins.

We got married after our sophomore year, and I took a job driving for a national parcel shipping service (think brown trucks) that fit my class schedule. We both wanted to start a family as soon as possible, but I hadn't managed to get her pregnant by the time we graduated.

My driving job changed; I was taken off of driving local pickup and delivery and assigned to drive a semi down to the processing hub 5 nights a week, dropping off a load of outbound packages and bringing back a truck loaded with local deliveries.

I tried to fit my driving schedule to her window of fertility each month, but it wasn't working very well. Finally, three years after we graduated, we conceived a son; we named him Jack after my father.

Over the next six years he was followed by two sisters (Amy and Victoria) and a brother (Tom). We had our own clamoring family. My folks were happy to babysit, either at our house or theirs, and our house was always full of life. Kim and my sister bonded over the babies, and the pair were together all the time.

At times I felt like the odd man out, with my evening driving job, and once the kids were in school, I started lobbying my boss to let me switch to days. It took a year to get a replacement trained (and only on the third try; the first guy failed a drug test and the second hit a car during his probationary period) so that I could switch.

When they handed the new driver my keys, the boss cut me loose at 6.p.m. and told me to come back after the weekend to get my new assignment.

It was an odd experience to be free so early in the evening, driving home before sunset. My sister's car was parked in the driveway next to Kim's, so I parked mine around the corner where there was always an open space.

I cut through the neighbor's yard; I thought I'd surprise the girls by coming in the back door. As I walked across the yard I could tell by the lack of TV chatter that the kids were at my folks' house. My steps were silent on the grass. I could hear Kim and Jackie talking in the back bedroom through an open window.

"So you were fucking my dad behind his back, you mean NONE of the kids are Scott's? They're all from my dad? Does mom know?"

"He was shooting blanks, or his swimmers just weren't making the grade. And your dad's dick is so much bigger, he really gets them where they need to go. It worked the first time, for Jack, so we've kept doing it every time I want another kid. I tell your brother that I'm fertile, but I schedule it so your dad's there all day for the ACTUAL time window. Your mom helps arrange things too - remember how she got Scott go around to pick up all the cousins for the Disneyland trip? That was when we conceived Amy. He's never suspected a thing. Now that you've graduated and are living here in town, your mom wanted you onboard with this, she said you could keep your mouth shut."

I froze, my back to the wall below the bedroom window, then sank silently to the ground. My stomach churned. My loving wife and my loving parents conspired to cuckold me by my own father, and left me to raise four brothers and sisters as my own children? Motherfuckers - I didn't know these people at all. My hands fisted involuntarily as a black rage started to build.

I wanted to rampage through the house wrecking things and throwing her out on her cheating ass, but that wasn't enough. I had to wait until I could bust all the collaborators at once. I pulled out my cell phone and switched the camera mode to video, then carefully poked the lens-bearing end up above the window sill until I could see the pair inside. They were sitting at the far end of the bed, looking at each other, not the window.

"So are you ever going to tell him? This could wreck the family!"

"How can we tell him now? Maybe if it was just once, maybe we could spin it, but four kids? No, all we can do is keep lying to him. At least he and his dad share a blood type, so that can't trip us up. And they share DNA, if it came to that."

"So why tell me? Now I'm just another mouth to keep shut. And you have just ruined my relationship with my brother, for WHAT? To help you keep up the giant lie? If you can pull off such a long back-stabbing of my brother, how could I ever trust any of you? You suck, my mom and dad suck, I am fucking out of here... God damn you all, don't call or write, we aren't friends anymore."

I heard running feet, a slamming door, and then a car revving away. I sat down and shut my phone off. Through the window I heard Kim make a call.

"Jackie is MAD, she cussed me and both of you, then stormed out of here. She said we aren't friends anymore, we're going to have to come up with a story to cover that."

Keeping low so I wasn't visible, I walked back to my car, then drove around the block so I wouldn't pass the house. I needed somewhere nobody could find me. I found a budget hotel an hour down the freeway. Once I was settled, I switched on my cell just long enough to call the landline at the house and leave a message that I was stuck down at the Hub for the night. A liquor store across the street supplied refreshments for a solitary wake for my marriage and my family, and I managed to drink so much I woke up still buzzed.

By the morning I no longer felt rage, I just felt desolated. I left another message on the landline; I said I'd gotten a chance for some overtime driving over the weekend, and I'd be home Monday morning, but I'd forgotten my charger so I'd be out of tough until then. I managed to finish with my usual, "love you," though it pained me to say it.

Sipping coffee, I pulled out my notebook and started researching divorce options; half an hour's reading convinced me I was fucked if I stuck it out. On the other hand, what did I want from the house? Nearly everything in it was evidence of the lie my marriage had been; the kids weren't mine, the wife wasn't mine, my parents, all my life, pissed away and worthless. All I really wanted were a few documents and some clothes, and I could live without those if I had to. I could just walk away, disappear into the wind in the roar of a Mustang's exhaust... crap, that wouldn't work at all, if I was going to work driving commercially I could be tracked and any divorce settlement enforced on me wherever I was.

With that cheery thought, I called my sister. I told her what I had heard the night before. She had a lot of angry words to say about my cheating wife and our back-stabbing parents. She still had some sympathy for the kids, but my love had turned to pain. I told her I couldn't bear to see any of them, that I was thinking about suicide rather than suffering through a divorce.

She had a better idea. If I could get DNA evidence, I could get the marriage annulled because the kids weren't mine, and there'd be no support requirements. For that matter, the conspirators would probably not want the proof of incest made public, and I could Kim to sign off on a quick no-fault divorce and no payments. A quick internet search revealed how to do it, and a stop at a drug store yielded a home DNA paternity test kit (for safety I bought three, from three different brands). I also bought two burner phones. For the moment, things were looking up.

Driving back toward the house, I tried to think of a way to get to the kids without their mother finding out. Jackie had burned her bridges with Kim, but she hadn't gone postal with the parents yet. It was a long shot, but maybe if she told them that they had better sit down with Kim and figure out how much of a get-out-of-town stake they could give Jackie, while she watched the children? I wasn't expected until Monday, could I just sneak in and get it done myself? I could come home Monday and take them to the dentist for a checkup, and do it then, that would help muddy the waters.

I called Jackie from a payphone, and arranged to meet her at a Denny's on the other side of town from my wife and parents. We parked behind the building and sat in a booth in back to limit our visibility. I passed her one of the burner phones; I'd already put in the number for the other burner.

Jackie didn't think the babysitting idea would fly, she'd already had words with mom and dad. She did like the idea of getting them to bribe her to leave, and she thought it would keep their eyes on her instead of me. We agreed she'd try to arrange a meeting about a get-out-of-town stake in the morning on Monday.

Sunday, I dummied up a dentists' appointment card for the kids for the morning on Monday, and collected my own DNA to submit with each test kit. I also called my boss and took two weeks of personal time; I told him we were having problems at home about the job change.

I pulled up outside our house Monday morning about 3 A.M. and just laid back the seat and slept in the car. I woke up at 6:45 to Kim tapping on the window, smiling. I smiled back, and started collecting my stuff from the car. I followed her inside and gave her a hug. As I tossed laundry into the washer, I asked if it was going to be me or her taking the kids to the dentist. Kim turned, surprised, as I picked up the dentists' appointment card off the floor, it had a big footprint on it.

As I turned it over to read the appointment time, I said, "I think we must have missed it in the mailbox and tracked it in on a shoe. That looks like my mighty size 12, honey, so I will take them in. This says 9:45 for Jack and Vicki, then Amy and Tom at 10:00."

Kim smiled. "I have to take back some cookie sheets and a pie plate I borrowed from your mom, so that works out. Why don't you buy them lunch after, and I'll see you in the afternoon before your shift?"

In my best Fred Dryer voice, I said, "Works for me." (I thought to myself, "I hope Jackie takes them to the cleaners...")

By the time I'd gotten breakfast, taken a shower, and finished the laundry, it was time to go. I strolled into the dentists' office and apologized for showing up unexpectedly with all four kids, then begged to get them checkups. I helped hold each in turn as the dental assistant did her job, and got my three cheek swabs from each kid in the process. While they were collecting lollipops in the waiting room I loaded up and then sealed each test kit envelope, with Jackie's apartment as the return address. I dropped the three envelopes in a mailbox outside the door as we headed for McDonalds.

Four orders of chicken nuggets, 4 boxes of fries, two cokes, a root beer, and a lemonade later, I followed the kids back into the house. Kim's car was still ticking with heat in the driveway, she had obviously just got back. She was sitting at her computer when we came in, looking at her household expense spreadsheet. I waved as I trailed the kids up the stairs, by the time I came back down it was shut down.

Any big plans?" I asked.

"Your mom's trying to set up another all-hands family trip to Disneyland, she says it's always more fun with kids. Can you get some time off in about a month?"

"No sweaty bang-bang, its still pretty early in the holiday season. I'll go in a little early tonight and ask while management is still there, ask mom to get me the dates when she can."

Jackie told me that night on the burner phone that the meeting went very well, she must have totally spooked our mother when she blasted them all as back-stabbers. They gave her more money to go along with their story about her departure; she got a 'sudden job offer in Seattle' on Tuesday, and Mom, Dad, and Kim helped her pack so she could leave on Friday.

Wednesday, I hired the family lawyer to represent me in my divorce proceedings; I told her I wanted a no-fault split based on irreconcilable differences, the house and savings to go to Kim in exchange for no support. She thought that was unlikely but she would prepare the required documents. I told her I'd serve Kim myself.

My sister and I talked each night by phone while I was away from the house 'for my shift.' The test kit results came in Thursday's mail and Jackie got them into her purse before anyone else noticed. I picked up the divorce papers Friday while I was out. Jackie turned in her apartment keys and left 'for Seattle' before lunch on Friday, waving to all of us as she drove off. She ended up as we had planned, at a budget hotel about an hour north.

I got there just after 6 P.M. and we read through the DNA results. All three labs agreed, I was not the father of the four kids, although there was a familial match. Even though I knew before I read it, that hurt. I felt desolated all over again. Fuck it, burn it all down. Jackie and I got shitfaced drunk, mourning the death of our family. I slept there for a couple hours to sober up, then drove back to the house. I couldn't bear to go inside, I just slept it off in the car.

Saturday morning was too bright and too loud; I was forced to move inside to sleep. I told Kim I had good news to tell her later, that I had been celebrating with my boss and hadn't wanted to wake her or the kids up when I got home. I asked her if she would ask my parents to dinner, so I could tell everybody the news.

In the afternoon, I fired up the grill and marinated some steaks; I had them on a platter next to the grill when my mom and dad showed up. Kim and my parents stood around the grill as I put the steaks on and closed the lid. The kids were playing inside, there wouldn't be a better time.

"Kim, I know my driving schedule has often been a problem, it keeps me away from you and our children. I've been talking to my boss about changing positions so I'd be around more, and I've got great news. I'm not going to have to drive the night runs anymore, I'm going to have a lot more free time in the very near future!"

I turned toward my father. "Dad, I'll need your help for a moment." I handed him the steak platter, which was sitting on three envelopes, then kicked him between the legs as hard as I could. He dropped the platter and fell over, a thin whine was the only noise he made as he curled up around his smashed testicles. Kim and my mom were speechless. I handed each an envelope, and dropped the third on my dad.

"Kim, I know you always wanted a big family of your own, I know it's one reason you married me. My parents love you, you loved having Jackie as a sister, I think the only thing that would have made you happier would be if I had more brothers and sisters."

I could see her start to smile, but she was still trying to work out the kick in the balls...

"I think you went too far, though, when you decided to bear those brothers and sisters yourself."

She blanched.

"That envelope contains DNA tests on your four children, I put a yellow tab next to the important part, where it says that I am not their father, but that they are a familial match. You fucked my dad and pawned his kids off as mine. I say YOUR children for a reason... I am sorry, but I can't love them anymore, knowing how you cheated to conceive them, and lied for so long about them. Not my children, not my problem."

"Mom, you helped her hide this from me, don't bother lying now. Dad, I think you know how I feel."

I could see smoke curling up around the lid of the grill. I opened the lid; the steaks were burnt far beyond edibility, just beef-flavored carbon.

"This is how I feel about my loving spouse and parents. You have killed my marriage, you have killed my love for my wife and family, you three just burned it up, and I am done. Jackie feels the same, and she thanks you for paying her to leave."

There was one more envelope. As I handed it to my wife I told her, "These are divorce papers, this is a no-fault state, you have been served." I took a picture of the three of them with my cell phone.

I shucked off my grilling apron and closed the grill.

"Kim, right now the papers say we are splitting up because of irreconcilable differences; I'm leaving you your car, all our savings and the house, but you aren't asking for any support for yourself or for your kids. If you contest this IN ANY WAY I will tell the world you got my Dad to make your children, I'll paper the city with posters, I'll sell the story to cable TV, I will make you FAMOUS. Sign the papers, you won't like the alternative."

"I mean, what have you got to lose by signing? You'll still have the family you wanted, my parents, my brothers and sisters, you just won't have me or Jackie around to worry about. No more secrets and lies, no more having to schedule your fertility windows, this is GOOD for you."

"Mom, Dad, we're done. As far as Jackie and I are concerned, our parents died recently in a horrible train wreck, and it is just too painful to stick around. Don't try to find us, don't write. Fuck you all, I hope you die in a fire."