Exploring Feelings

Conclusion

PRESENT DAY:

Many times over the years, Chris awoke in cold sweats thinking about the conversation that was about to unfold with his wife. He had been so careful, so meticulous in hiding his secret life, so as to avoid it. But in his drunken haze, he forgot to erase his call history and text messages from his phone. As a result, the dreaded moment was here.

"Answer me GODAMNIT!" yelled his aggrieved spouse.

In that moment, Chris realized it was finally over. He had to tell Liz everything, to unburden himself of every detail. If he was ever going to piece his life back together, and in truth he gave himself about a 1% chance of success, she needed to hear the whole truth. No more secrets.

"Longer than you can probably bear," he said sadly, not able to look her in the eyes as he broke her heart and shattered her faith in him, "Longer than I've known you. Since college."

"All this time, you've been with her?" said Liz in disbelief.

"On and off, we would take breaks when it got too intense, when..." said Chris.

"When you thought one of us might find out?" she interrupted.

"Yeah, I guess. Each time we would tell ourselves it was over, but something would draw us back in. Brian would get busy at work and she would be lonely. Or you would be busy with the kids and I'd feel us losing touch with each other."

"So it's our fault, huh," Liz said scornfully. "We didn't pay enough attention to you, so you just had to go off and fuck each other."

"No...I don't know why," said Chris. "Honestly, if I could explain why it always seemed to happen I could have stopped it."

"Do you love her?" asked a sniffling Liz.

"No, we never connected like that, like you and I do. Sharing dreams and talking about your deepest fears; being there for each other in your best moments, in your worst moments. I only did that with you. With her, it was like a drug, it was dangerous, intoxicating, like I was still young, I guess. Being with her fed into some dark urges I had for a long time, before I met you. I developed feelings for her, I can't deny that. But not love, that I'm sure about."

"So these urges were more important to you than your family, your wife and your kids?" she cried.

"No...yes, in the moment, Chris said ashamed. "In the moment it was all I could see, all I could think about. After, I'd tell myself it couldn't happen again, but then it would just come back and I'd feel powerless again."

"So it's still going on."

"No, it's over now. We ended it. Finally," said Chris.

"You ended it, or she ended it?" asked his wife. It was an important distinction.

"She did," Chris said. No more secrets.

"So if she didn't you would have just gone on jumping into bed together the rest of your life,"

"No, I would have ended it soon, I know that. It tore me up inside, what we were doing to you, to the kids," Chris said.

"Yeah, right, I'm sure you had it rough," Liz said with a humorless laugh. Suddenly on the mention of kids, his wife had an even more awful thought.

"Dear god, Chris, tell me her kids aren't yours."

"Not the two oldest. But the youngest, Johnny...when we were down the shore, after my parents died? I was in such a fucked-up place in my head, Liz. She was stressed because she wasn't sure she wanted another. It just happened, but we didn't use protection. I thought it was OK, but apparently he might be mine"

"Might be!" said his wife angrily.

"I don't know for sure, we never tested it. But he has my hair and eyes...I can't deny that," said Chris.

"How could you be so fucking stupid!" yelled Liz. "I can't even stand the sight of you right now. You need to get out of here."

"Out of the house?" said Chris pitifully, like a little lost boy.

Liz thought for a second. "No, I don't want the kids to know anything is wrong, at least until I can figure out what to do. Stay in the guest bedroom, we'll tell them you're sick, or your back is acting up again, and you need to sleep alone. I don't care, but you can't be here right now. I need time to think."

"OK," said Chris. It was all out there, there was nothing else he could do at this point but hope. Head down, he left their bedroom. He looked in on his kids. Despite the yelling, they hadn't woken up...all were sleeping peacefully, like little angels.

Chris entered the guest bedroom, fell onto the bed, rolled into a ball and cried, harder than he ever had in his life, harder than when his parents died. He had the perfect life, perfect wife, and he had probably just thrown it all away. For what, fleeting moments of pleasure, of excitement different from his everyday life? In this moment, he realized how worthless that was.

As he began to calm himself and think, he thought one last time about Amy, and how a chance meeting after 6 years led him to where he was now, completely broken.

NOVEMBER 2014

Chris had just reached his hotel room in Norristown and checked in. He had his first meeting later today, and more tomorrow, but now he had some time to kill. Ordinarily, he always had a plan for his free time when he was here, but that had ended abruptly over 6 year ago, after a terrible mistake.

Since the birth of Johnny, Amy and Chris had almost completely avoided each other. Neither of them wanted to face what they had done, couldn't face it. They threw themselves completely into their families...it seemed as if they had finally been scared straight.

Chris still traveled regularly to the area in business, but avoided making contact with either Amy or Brian. He thought he would barely be able to look Brian in the eye, after all he had done. At certain times, Brian would call and ask when Chris would be around so they could meet; Chris always would have an excuse why he couldn't. After a while, Brian stopped calling, he had gotten busier at work and didn't really have the time anyway.

Amy never called, but Chris wasn't surprised. She was in complete denial about having to face what they (may have) done. She focused on her family and pushed all thoughts of Chris to the back of her mind. Chris didn't know what to do either. Even if Johnny was his biological child, what could he do? Any road just led to the break-up of his family, of two families. So he decided to stay away from Amy.

This was suddenly about to change. Chris decided to go to the nearby King of Prussia Mall to kill some time. Out of nowhere, he saw her leaving Macy's. Amy Harris had not changed a bit, she still looked great. Upon seeing him, she gave him a big smile, but that quickly faded as she realized what this chance encounter could mean. Both of their carefully constructed facades were about to crumble.

"Chris, great to see you. How are things?" Amy said awkwardly, while noting he still looked great to herself.

"Good, busy with work. You look great as always," he replied. And she did, even in a sweater and jeans. Chris began to contemplate everything underneath those clothes, of which he was intimately familiar. This is bad, thought Chris, but he made no move to leave.

"Thanks," said Amy with a blush. She hadn't thought much about the "look", as she came to think of the hungry way Chris looked at her when he was about to make a move on her. But she saw it now again, for the first time in 6 years, and her heart beat faster at its return.

"Want to get a coffee, I have some time before my meeting," he asked, hopefully.

"Sure," Amy replied, though almost every fiber of her being was telling her run, the other part won out, as always.

They talked for a while about their lives. As always, Brian was busy at work. Apparently his boss was getting ready to retire and the hospital was looking for a successor. Brian was doing everything he could to be that person, but it required spending more time at work to prove himself as ready to take over. Once again, Amy often found herself alone on nights and weekends, and incredibly lonely.

After, Chris walked Amy to her car. As they got there, he brushed a stray strand of blonde hair, billowing in the autumn wind, out of her eyes. They stared at each other for long moments before leaning in for a passionate kiss, up against her car. Amy quickly got into it, before pushing Chris away, panting. Anyone could have seen them.

"What's the matter with you, after all we've done this can't happen," she said with alarm. "Anyone could have just seen us. People I know, that Brian knows."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I just go wild every time I see you. Come back to my room later tonight, I need to see you, to feel you," he said, rubbing his fingers against her lips.

"Mmm," she groaned, opening her mouth and sucking on his fingers. She wanted to suck on a lot of things in that moment. "What am I doing, I can't Chris, I'm sorry," Amy turned to try and open her car door with her trembling fingers.

"Make an excuse and come to me tonight, I know you want to. I'm at the usual place," Chris said huskily, as usual all he could see now was being inside Amy again, and after all this time.

"No, it's too dangerous, goodbye," she said, getting in her car and driving away quickly.

Chris could barely concentrate at his meetings. He returned to his room in the evening and plopped on the bed. Six years, he thought, and it came back in an instant. His life was great, he loved his kids and Liz was wonderful and everything he wanted, that he needed. So why did all his thoughts in an instant turned to this other woman?

Most of him was disappointed she said no, but rationally he was glad she didn't succumb to his advances. How could they possibly start this yet again, after all they had done? Suddenly, he heard a knock, and his heart soared (and sank). It couldn't be...

...It was, "I couldn't stay away," said the blonde woman, pushing herself inside and jumping on to him. "I need it, give it to me," she said between kisses. "There's no better escape than you."

Chris ripped her top and jeans off and threw her on the bed. She sat up and seductively removed his shirt, kissing his chest, driving him wild. There was no stopping this now. She moved her hands to his belt buckle and slowly removed his pants. She took out his cock and began to suck.

"Oh yes, yes Amy you know what to do..." he moaned. She slowly licked his shaft with her tongue, down and up and back again. Then she put his penis in his mouth and sucked, hard. Chris made primitive grunts...god he was so ready to come. But he needed something else.

"I want to be inside you," he said, with a meaningful look at Amy. It was the closest they came to discussing 6 years ago in this moment.

"I'm on the pill," Amy said simply. "Put it inside me," she said, spreading her lips to ease his entrance. The anticipation was killing her. Chris pushed forward and entered Amy's vagina again, it felt no less spectacular than he remembered.

"Oh yeah" he grunted as his hips sent into motion at the brutal pace they both craved. It was not sweet and tender; neither of them wanted that.

"UHHH-UHHH-UHHH," cried Amy as Chris took her breath away as he pounded forward. In heaven, she pushed herself up, and Chris pushed himself down on the bed, so she could ride him and take control.

She rolled her hips and grinded on his cock, her rippling pussy driving him to his peak. She was right there with him. Chris sat himself up and began to suckle on Amy's nipples and freckles. Amy threw her arms around him as she continued to hump on his cock.

"Oh, here it comes Amy, here it comes," cried Chris as his balls tightened deliciously.

"Yesss..I need it" moaned Amy as she reached her orgasm.

"Ungggh," Chris grunted as he tried to hold on as long as possible. Finally, he could fight it no longer, with a bellow he announced his cum and pumped his semen inside of Amy. She latched on to his mouth and both hung on through the ride.

Chris collapsed back onto the bed, taking Amy with him on top. As they came down, there were so many things he wanted to say, so many questions he needed answers to. But Amy was not interested in speaking.

"I need to get back. I told Brian I had to pick up a few things at the supermarket, he'll be suspicious if I'm any longer." With that, Amy got up, began to dress and get ready to leave. Chris didn't know what to do or say, was this it?

At the door, Amy turned back to him. "Give Brian a call tomorrow," she said with a knowing smile, "I'm sure he'll want to invite you over for dinner." She turned to open the door and left.

Chris felt like a freight train had hit him, yet again. But he knew he would be making that call tomorrow. It had started again, but the question was where would it lead?

PRESENT DAY

To the end of my life, Chris thought as he woke up the next morning. Liz and the kids were nowhere to be seen. A brief moment of sheer panic hit Chris...had she taken them and left me? But he quickly saw all their clothes and belongings were still in the house. Liz had only taken them out for breakfast, avoiding questions as to why Daddy wasn't joining them. As they returned, Liz let them watch TV. Then she took a deep breath and found her husband.

"The first thing I need to know is if you still want to be with her. Any part of you, because if you do, you should leave immediately. You need to be completely honest with me, no more bullshit," Liz said.

"No Liz, I love you, I only want you. Right before you confronted me I realized that. It had to end with Amy, it's over, for good now," he replied. Of course, he had said this before, to himself, and it hadn't been true. This time though, saying it to his wife, it felt different.

His wife grimaced at the mention of Amy's name, but continued without comment: "For now, you stay in the guest bedroom. I am not forgiving you, not by a long shot, but I won't kick you out, at least not yet. For our children's sake, I am willing to work on things, but I have some conditions."

"OK," said Chris. At this point, he would agree to anything.

"Number 1, you can't have any contact with...her," Liz couldn't even say her name. "None whatsoever. If I find out you've spoken to her, or texted her, or checked her Facebook page, you're out. If she calls you for some reason, you are to tell her you can't speak to her and tell me immediately."

"Yes, absolutely," said Chris.

"This includes her son, you can't see him as well," she explained further. "Frankly, I'm not sure if that isn't the bigger betrayal for me. Right now, you need to focus on the three kids in your house, and that boy already has a father. At some point, we may have to deal with that, but right now I can't even think about it."

"I agree," he replied. And at this point, Chris didn't know what to do about Johnny either.

"Second, I can look at your phone, emails, which websites you browse, anything. Whenever I ask, you have to show me who you've called or spoken to. My trust and faith in you went from 100% to 0 in an instant. It can't be rebuilt overnight,"

"I understand. Whatever you need," he said.

"Third, we will speak to someone, a marriage counselor together, when I'm ready. But I want you to start seeing someone yourself immediately. You obviously have a lot of issues, and I can't be the person to talk you through that. Not anymore."

"OK, I'll find someone," Chris didn't quite get this part. The marriage counselor was understandable, but he didn't like having to spill his secrets to a complete stranger. But for Liz, he would.

Chris had to know one thing. "Are you going to speak to Brian and tell him? If you want me to, I will pick up the phone and tell him everything."

Liz paused for a very long moment, deep in thought. "No, that's none of my concern. You've already ruined one family; I won't have a second on my conscience. Let her figure that out. That's all I have right now. As long as you meet those conditions, you can stay here, for now."

"OK, thank you. It's more than I could have expected, given everything."

His wife simply frowned at him, and left to look after the kids. After that talk, Chris gave himself about a 2% chance of saving his marriage. At least he had made some progress.

Over the coming weeks and months, Chris did everything that his wife had asked him to do. Thankfully, Amy never called, but his wife did check his phone regularly, even when he didn't know about it. Everything checked out. He began speaking to a therapist; surprisingly he found it helped, it turned out to be pretty easy to spill your guts to a complete stranger.

The therapist seemed to think a lot of the issues stemmed back to college, when he was cheated on by his then girlfriend Emma. After being betrayed himself, his mind had unconsciously twisted it into taking some perverse thrill in trying to ruin other relationships, in trying to hurt people like he had been hurt. The risky sex was his cry for help, so to speak, begging to be caught. Chris wasn't sure he believed that fully, it seemed too simple; almost an excuse for his terrible behavior, but at least it was something.

After a few weeks he also began to see a counselor with Liz. There was a lot of screaming and yelling at first, but then eventually calmer talks. Chris tried his absolute best to explain everything to his wife in those sessions; why he had done it, why he risked his marriage, why he desperately wanted (needed) a chance to fix it, why it would never happen again, why he loved her, with all his heart. He felt things were going well, but Liz remained distant.

He realized he completely missed his wife, though he was still sleeping mere feet from her it felt like a chasm between them. He missed their talks, how they had fun, how she could make him laugh with just a look. He had taken all that for granted when it was happening, now he desperately clung to the hope that he would get his wife to just look at him like she used to, even just once. That he would see her goofy, but beautiful smile again. The one he promised himself he would never take away from her. Another broken promise, he thought shamefully.

After about six months passed, with no end to their estrangement in sight, Chris noticed that Liz was asking him more frequently to watch the kids while she went out with "friends." Sadly, he knew what this meant; there were any number of single fathers at the kids' school that would cut off their right arm for a chance at Liz. Who wouldn't, she was smart, funny, and beautiful, and any man would be the better for having her. Chris had her, and he threw her away. It killed him inside to realize that Liz was seeing other men, but he knew he had no right to say anything. He could only hope his wife could find it in her heart to forgive him and return to him, but she had to come to that conclusion on her own now.

In reality, Liz wasn't enjoying the dating scene. At first, she did it mostly to get back at Chris, to make him feel a fraction of the pain that she did. But she found no enjoyment in it; most of the men were only interested in jumping her bones. As a mother of three kids, she quickly realized the emptiness in these meaningless flings...why hadn't her husband been able to see this?

Liz had only confided in a few people about what had happened; her mother and a few close friends. Her girlfriends mostly told her to end it, that the betrayal was too great and she'd never get over it. It was best to move on immediately and begin rebuilding her life.

Her mother urged more caution. Before she fundamentally changed both her life and the lives of her children, she had to be 100% sure that her husband's sins were unforgivable. That the betrayal completely overpowered any love she still felt for him.

And that was it for Liz; despite everything, she still loved Chris. She hated him too, but the love was still there as well. She saw it every time she looked at her three kids; they all had the best parts of him. She desperately wanted to see those things in him again too, but every time she began to she could only just picture him with...that woman.