Exploring Feelings

PRESENT DAY:

As Chris Barnes waited in his hotel room, he thought about how hard this particular moment was, waiting for his lover and knowing what was bound to happen as soon as she knocked on his door. Here was where he felt the most guilt about what he was doing to his wife Elizabeth, his 9-old daughter Jennifer, and his 7 year old-twins, Mark and Melanie.

He had met Elizabeth shortly after graduation through work; she worked as an office manager for one of the large Physicians' groups in Northern New Jersey who were his clients. Eventually they married and began to build their life together in the Morris County suburbs. But from the moment he met Liz (everyone else called her Elizabeth) until now, he had been hiding a deep, dark secret from her, an "addiction" (it was the best word he could think of) that he could never break, and that had just began to knock on the door.

As soon as he opened it and saw her, all these feelings were pushed to the back of his mind. Even in her late 30's and after three kids, Amy Harris remained a breathtaking sight. Motherhood had only added to her womanly curves, and she had worked hard to stay in as good shape as possible. Sure, her body wasn't what it was in her early 20's, but the changes only made her more attractive to Chris.

That, plus the fact that she was happily married to his best friend. Despite his best efforts, their best efforts, neither of them could give up the drug that became these trysts. If anything, having it again only made them want it more. They remained vigilant in keeping their secret; each of them had air tight alibis about where they were if anyone asked. But in reality, no one did because no one could have suspected what had been happening all this time.

"My god, I missed you, it's been too long," gushed Amy as she walked into the door and opened her coat to reveal a new set of red lingerie purchased at Victoria's Secret.

"I know, but we still have to be careful. We can only do this when it makes sense for us to be in the same area," replied Chris as he pulled Amy into his arms and began kissing her neck.

"Oh, you know just how to touch me...keep going," exclaimed Amy as Chris slowly began caressing her nipples through the lingerie, "All I could think about this morning was you and knowing I would see you. I almost pushed Brian and the kids through the door."

"We can go slowly after this, right now I need to feel you," grunted Chris, as he frantically ripped off his dress shirt and pants. He then pulled Amy's panties to the side and slipped his rock hard penis inside her.

"Mmmm, you feel so good inside me, as always" said Amy as Chris planted her against the door and began pounding her. She loved how hard, how animalistic even, that Chris took her. Brian could never treat his wife like this, and frankly she wouldn't want him to, but Chris gave her exactly what she needed at the moment.

Chris could barely respond beyond grunts. He was quickly hurdling to his own release. As always, Amy was right with him and it was her orgasm that pushed him over the edge.

"HERE IT COMES...YES...YES!" exclaimed Chris as he released the contents of his pent-up balls into Amy.

"I can feel it, so hot!" shouted Amy in triumph. No matter how many times she felt it, she could never resist the feeling of Chris shooting his cum into her pussy.

As the lovers panted in each other's faces, they both gave each other a knowing look. The bad feelings were coming back, for both of them. But they did their best to push it aside and enjoy the time they had left. Amy had to pick up her kids, 10-year old Kelly, 8 year-old Tyler and 6 year-old Johnny, in about an hour. They both lay down on the bed and began talking.

"How's Elizabeth and the kids?" asked Amy. Somehow in these moments, it made it easier to talk about their lives as if nothing was amiss.

"She's OK, busy at work plus the twins have been sick with the flu. You know how that is. How are Brian and the kids?"

"Great, he was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow before you leave? He doesn't have any procedures scheduled (Brian was becoming one of the more well-known young heart surgeons in the Delaware Valley) and wanted to catch up," said Amy with a knowing smile.

"That would be great," said Chris, knowing what both he and Amy would really be looking forward to. But his smile quickly faded, as he pondered an unpleasant question.

"How's Johnny? Everything good with him starting first grade"

"He's fine, but you know you really shouldn't be asking about him," said Amy in a sad voice.

"I know, but you understand why I can't help it," answered Chris.

Amy thought about her three kids, blonde headed Kelly and Tyler, and little Johnny, with his light brown hair. Though both Amy and Brian were blonde, each had a parent and siblings with brown hair, so on the surface nothing seemed amiss. Though neither Amy nor Chris could bring themselves to find out officially, they suspected otherwise. But Amy didn't want to talk about that now, or ever really.

"I better go, I have to get ready to pick up the kids at school," said Amy, who brought her "Mom" clothes in a duffle bag.

"We didn't even get a chance to use the bed," joked Chris. Slowly his guilt was receding and his desires were reemerging.

"Maybe next time. But you and I will have to make some time for one of our 'talks' about the state of the health-care system after dinner," teased Amy. She had been a nurse so it wasn't unusual. As a doctor, Brian didn't really care much to talk shop at home and was happy to let his wife and friend talk while he looked after the kids.

"Sounds good...see you tomorrow night, then," said Chris as he leaned in to kiss Amy goodbye.

"Can't wait," smiled Amy back after their kiss. With that, she left the room and tried her best to return to her normal life. Chris still had a few hours before his last meeting of the day, and his mind drifted to the first time they made an attempt to end this dangerous relationship.

WINTER 2000

Life was busy for Chris Barnes and Brian Harris. Chris was about 18 months into his job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He didn't love the job, but he was good at it and it paid well. Despite being shy by nature, he found he was a natural salesman. Brian was in medical school at Rutgers, and was so busy the two hardly saw each other. In fact, Brian had little time for anyone else, including his girlfriend Amy, who had just begun a nursing job at a hospital in Philadelphia.

Amy would often make the trip up for the weekend to Chris and Brian's place in central NJ, but often he was too busy or too tired to spend any time with her. This hurt Amy, but she had her own distraction. Chris and Amy had continued their fling on and off since graduation. For the most part, it was an occasional thing, but over the past months as Brian got more involved in med school, it became more frequent.

Often times, Amy would come up for the weekend and spend more time with Chris, as Brian often was in the apartment only to sleep, shower and eat. During these times, and feeling pulled apart from Brian, Amy's affair with Chris deepened. He was giving her what her boyfriend couldn't, and at times it felt like she was dating Chris more than Brian.

They remained careful, making sure their trysts occurred only when Brian was sure to be away in labs or studying for several hours at a time. But once he was gone, they couldn't keep their hands off each other, as they christened every part of the apartment (save the bed she shared with Brian, this was one taboo neither of them wanted to cross).

So it was on this Saturday a few weeks before Christmas, with Brian wrapped up in the lab practicing on cadavers, that Amy and Chris found themselves in a familiar position, with Chris pounding into Amy from behind and loving every second of it.

"Yeah, Yeah, take it, take all of it," growled Chris, as he pushed his 6 ½ inches in balls deep.

"Oh yeah, that feels so good, don't stop, harder, HARDER!" screamed Amy.

Chris picked it up a gear upon hearing her words, and continued to piston his unsheathed cock deep inside her. In her head, Amy realized how dangerous it was to not use condoms with Chris; she was on the pill so she wasn't worried about pregnancy, but she had no idea who else Chris was seeing, how could she explain an STD to Brian? But both of them enjoyed the feeling of skin to skin contact and had quickly become addicted to it.

In addition, Amy realized the thought of Chris seeing someone else bothered her. She had no right to stop him, after all she wasn't about to break up with Brian, but deep down she wanted to be the only one Chris was with. This also troubled her deeply, but she pushed those feelings aside as she began climbing to her release.

In actuality, she didn't have anything to worry about, Chris had not been seeing anyone regularly since graduation, and the few times he did hook up with someone else he always used a condom. He only wanted to cum inside Amy's pussy. Chris was becoming way too engrossed in these trysts, so much so that he was becoming resentful of his friend Brian. After all, he had Amy as his girlfriend yet he wasn't meeting her needs. So, fuck him, Chris thought in the moment, I'll do it myself. He felt like an awful person after, but right now it only spurred him on to deliver a load in Amy's hot snatch.

"Here it comes, here it comes, you ready baby!" shouted Chris.

"Oh fuck yes, don't you dare stop I want to feel it!" exclaimed Amy as her orgasm took hold.

With a bellow of triumph, Chris unleashed a torrent of semen into Amy's welcoming pussy, then collapsed on top of her and lovingly kissed the back of her neck. He then rolled off and spooned her from behind.

Both sighed contentedly in unison, and then both began to process their own dark thoughts as they were fucking. For the first time, Amy began to wonder if Brian was the man for her. He was so busy with medical school that there seemed no time left for her. Maybe they should take some time off and figure things out. But could she be with Chris? No, it would kill Brian and definitely end any chance of reconciliation down the road.

Her feelings for Chris were complicated. She LOVED the sex, she needed it, it was the perfect stress release, but even now it's not like they talked much about their lives or dreams. They were also so different in many ways; she enjoyed going out, having fun with her girlfriends and being social, while he wanted to spend most nights at home reading or watching sports on TV. Their relationship was perfect right now exactly because it wasn't a relationship.

Chris was also dealing with his thoughts. He loved Brian as much as he did his own brother, but was that really true? Would someone be doing this to their own brother, taking advantage of his absence to fuck his girlfriend every chance he got? No, he realized sadly, only a terrible person did this. Chris had always seen himself as a good guy who did the right thing. He knew he couldn't say that anymore.

But he couldn't help himself, it was like a chemical reaction anytime he was around Amy, he had to have her. Even in the rare times when Brian was around he had to stop himself from leering openly at her. But was this love? No, he doubted it, and for all he knew Amy didn't want to have that kind of relationship anyway. And he didn't think he could handle the hurt it would cause Brian. Plus he would lose all his friends, who would (rightly in his mind) shun him in favor of the aggrieved party.

Neither brought these things up to the other as they each showered and got ready for Brian to be back for dinner. In a way, they were both afraid of what those thoughts meant. If they were truly developing feelings for one another, they both realized it was best to end this now before anyone got hurt. But neither was ready to end it. Better to continue as is and enjoy their bodies, if nothing else. But after the holidays, both were determined to come to a decision once and for all about the future.

In the end, circumstances dictated what happened, namely Brian. Realizing that he had neglected his relationship, and convinced more than ever that Amy was the one, he got down on one knee and proposed on Christmas Eve. As Amy looked into his eyes and heard his promises to be there for her and create balance in his life, all her love for him came flooding back.

Without a second thought, she said yes, to the cheers of both their families. As she hugged her now fiancé, her thoughts suddenly turned to the second man in her life. As sad as it was, as hard as it was, she knew what she had to do.

In the week between Christmas and New Year's, before Brian and Chris returned to their apartment (and before Brian revealed the big news to his friend), Amy drove up from her parent's house in Philly to Chris' family home in northern Jersey. She needed to tell him this to his face. She was thankful he answered the door instead of his brother or parents...she had a cover story but feared they would read right through it.

At first, Chris was happy to see her, and since his family was out he began to think other thoughts, but he quickly realized this was not a fun visit Amy was making...it was written all over her face and the pretty engagement ring that she now sported on her left hand.

"Brian and I reconnected over the holidays. He proposed and I said yes. He promised he would be there for me, and I want to be there for him. I hope you understand that what's happening between us needs to end. You promised me you would be OK when I chose to end it, right?"

For a fleeting second Chris thought about fighting, about telling Amy he loved her and wanted to be with her, but he quickly stopped himself. He wasn't even sure that's what he wanted. He was only 23, he loved the sex with Amy, but that wasn't like the love Brian had for her, that they had built over years. He couldn't ask her to give that up for a maybe.

"I understand...I knew this day was coming," sighed Chris. "You know I wish you and Brian all the best. I'll act surprised when he tells me. But I'll always remember our time together."

"So will I, but now it's time to be grown-ups. Whatever we do, we can't let Brian know what happened between us," said Amy.

"I know, I don't want to lose him either. I'm a terrible friend to him, but I need him too. I couldn't live with him hating me. It's time for me to move on...hopefully I can find my happily ever after," said Chris with a (forced) smile.

"I want that for you too," said Amy, although deep down she didn't really mean it. But like she said, it was time to grow up.

Chris did his best acting job after the holidays, putting on the most enthusiastic smile he could when Brian told him of his great news. Over the next few months, Amy made sure she wasn't alone with Chris when she visited, and true to his word Brian made time for her as much as possible. After a few months, she got so wrapped up in the wedding planning (scheduled for next summer after Brian's medical school graduation), that it became less and less hard to be around Chris.

After their announcement, Chris threw himself into his work, which required a lot of travel through the Northeast. Partly to advance his career, but mostly to keep away from Amy, who by spring had changed jobs to be closer to Brian and was practically living in the apartment now. By the summer, Chris realized the best thing was to move out and give the couple their space. While it was hard, after a time he began to move beyond his feelings for Amy and begin to date again.

On one of his sales calls, he met Elizabeth. She was beautiful, and perhaps importantly, different from Amy, with long brown hair and brown eyes. There was also a geeky side to her, which turned him on as they had many of the same interests. As he grew closer to Elizabeth, any feelings for Amy began to dissipate.

By the end of the year, they were even able to hang out as couples without any awkwardness (of course Brian and Elizabeth were unaware of anything). For her part, Amy grew to like Elizabeth and thought she was a perfect match for Chris. It was a little hard seeing him so happy at first, but she quickly realized he deserved his happiness, and she hoped Elizabeth could be the one for him. Their time together would just become a distant memory.

At least, until the days before her wedding to Brian.

TO BE CONTINUED...