WARNING: My stories are especially depraved. But there are people who like them. Let us be, because no amount of your self-righteous disapproval is going to change us, and we're not all up in your business. My view is encapsulated in the following lyrics from Frank Zappa & Steve Vai:
"Those of you who enjoy this song:
Well, thank you, thank you.
I love you.
Let's get it on.
But for those of you who are totally outraged:
Fuck yourself
With your face."
***
When Jenna asked me about my and Davey's finances, I told her I didn't know anything about them because I had always expected Davey to just provide. I had pretty simple tastes, really. I love shopping as much as the next girl, but I only really bought a few clothes, and spent a little on entertainment, and all I had ever needed to do was hit Davey up for some cash now and then. I also did all the grocery shopping, but got cash from Davey whenever I went to the store. She asked if we had a checking account. I said, "He does."
"It's not in both your names?"
"No. I never write checks, so it doesn't need to be. And now it's marital assets, so it doesn't matter."
"Well, I know but I think it's probably time you took over all the finances, and controlled all the money."
"OK... How do I do that? I don't know anything about it."
"Well, I will teach you as we go. The first thing to do is tell Davey to close his personal account at the bank and replace it with a joint account. He should order checks with both your names on them. Do you have any credit cards?"
"I don't. He does. He has one."
"OK. Tell him to call the credit card company and add your name to that card. Ask him if he has any others, though. He may have others you don't know about."
"OK. Then what?"
"Once your name is on all the checks and credit cards, let me know, and we'll take it from there. By the way, make sure that's his only bank account, too."
It took about three weeks before we had checks, and the one credit card, with my name on it. The credit card company sent new cards, one with his name, and one with my name. I thought there would be one card with both our names, because I was pretty clueless about this stuff. After calling Jenna to tell her Step One was done, she said, "OK, good. Um... if you want, I'll come over there. You think Davey can handle it if the three of us sit down, and I tell him how things are gonna be now?"
"Well," I said. "You and I can sit, but I'd prefer it if he's kneeling."
"Well, of course, haha."
"But he WILL handle it, so yeah, come on over."
Jenna and I sat at the dining table, and I said, "Davey, crawl in here and kneel in front of us. Jenna has something important to discuss with us." As soon as he was kneeling before us, Jenna said, "Davey, crawl to wherever you keep any papers related to finances, taxes, pay stubs, bill statements, anything like that, and also get your wallet, the checkbook, and anything else having to do with money, and bring it in here to us."
Once that was done, she asked him how much he got paid, and how often, asked about all the monthly bills, and how much they were, and she wrote it down on a piece of paper. She asked him if bills came in the mail, or if he paid them online. He said he paid some online, and wrote checks for others. She said to me, "Can you bring me his laptop, hun?" I brought it in, and Jenna made Davey tell her his login and password info for the sites where he paid bills online. She wrote the info down on the paper, and also verified that she could log in to each of those sites. She asked if there was any back-up verification info, like answers to secret questions, and he gave her that info. She wrote down his social security number, date of birth, mother's maiden name, and the PIN for his bank card.
My car was still the one my parents had bought me, and they had paid for it. Davey had bought his car used, and paid cash. So we had no car payment.
"Have you told us absolutely everything about all accounts, all credit cards, all bills, and everything else we need to know about all the finances?" she asked him.
"Yes," he said.
I said, "That's 'Yes, Mistress Jenna' to you."
"Yes... Mistress Jenna."
She examined Davey's wallet and found photos of us, and Davey's relatives, inside. She laid the photo of us on the table, but pulled out the others and flipped them in the air randomly, and they fell on the floor. She looked at every business card carefully, and then asked him what each one meant. If it was related to his job, she placed it on the table. If not, she tossed it aside.
She found 87 dollars in cash and slid it over to me, along with the one credit card with his name on it.
"Where is the title to your car, Davey?"
"Um, it's, uh... it's in a box in the bedroom closet."
"In your wife's bedroom?" Hahaha. I loved it.
