Elizabeth At War Ch 14 Find Joy

Elizabeth Ch 14: Chapter 14: Finding Joy

Sunset touched the verdant hills, gilding the hidden valley with a lingering sunbeam, lighting the group on the veranda as they went through the movements.

Sunitra's voice held a smile. "Thank you for trying your best. I know some of you are not used to yoga and it does not matter. We do these exercises to stimulate the blood flow, to oxygenate the blood. Now I am going to ask you to take a few minutes of silence while we say good night to the sun, the source of life, while we contemplate in silence why we are here. We invited you to come with us for a period of silence, a weekend to reaffirm your relationships, a time to come to realisation of your feelings. Later Bill will talk to you about the psychology of love. Now sit with me, face the setting sun, and bring your minds to silence, to peace, to acceptance."

Fatima handed Neville the plate she had filled for him from the buffet just as Elizabeth, clad in a flowing kaftan, joined them. "Terry, you're not talking fishing again!"

Terry grinned. "You came just in time to stop us, love. But now that you mention it, I was going to suggest..."

She punched him playfully. "Fatima, I am so glad you and Neville could come. Are you enjoying the retreat so far? The accommodation is to your satisfaction?"

Fatima nodded, aware of the attention on her. "Yes, you did say it was a little rustic. That does not bother me, but I was just worried about Neville's back. The beds..."

Neville shook his head. "Don't be concerned, dear. A firmer bed is good for me. I must admit the yoga was a bit scary. Seeing how you girls contort yourself..."

Elizabeth giggled. "Terry always worries that I may not be able to un-knot myself. But that is not the point of the weekend, is it? Fatima, what did you think of the talk Bill gave?"

The girl blushed, then seemed uncomfortable when Neville put his arm around her shoulders. "Well, these are rather intimate things, aren't they? But he made a lot of sense. I never knew about the body chemistry and the brain reactions. These are interesting, but I thought... Well, I am listening and I hope I will learn. There is a chance to ask questions tomorrow? But I will feel uncomfortable to ask them in such a big group."

Elizabeth nodded. "I quite understand. This is about you feeling safe and comfortable. So you will have time to talk with Bill, with Sunitra, with anyone here, in as much privacy as you and they want. But I want you to know that almost all here have had similar experiences as you had. You will meet them, but see Charles, there, the guy with the beautiful girl on his arm? He was wounded in a war, but wounded much worse during an abusive childhood. The girl, Cecilia, was recruited by André much as you were, turned into a toy and forced to spy for them. They have been a couple for a while now, but they need to turn their relationship from one of pity to one of real appreciation.

"There is Ramon, child of the gutters, mercenary, superb actor, with Maria, a detective who helped him rescue my friend, Jessica over there, from the same gang. Maria has been interrogating Ramon for a few months now, we tease her. They are talking of setting up a language school, together with starting a family. Ramon can play the ultimate Alpha male and dominate any conversation if he wants. But he does not feel the need to prove anything. Look how deferential he is.

"Jessica used to go to school with me. She was raped, trapped in a small town hell of bigots who could not leave her alone. Then André got hold of her, used her. In the end he was going to have her killed to get his hooks deeper into a drug lord. The guy with her is a young computer wizard from an up-and-coming group we started. I don't know him very well, but he was absolutely brilliant in developing a new sort of database to track people and ideas. He brought his sister and her husband, there, because he felt they would benefit from the weekend.

"Get to know all of them better, they would like to know you too. Don't be intimidated. I want you to be happy too."

Neville nodded. "I spoke to a few people as well. But tell me, this evening exercise, Sunitra spoke about pleasure and love. Is it not going to be, you know, indiscreet? I mean, I don't want Fate to be uncomfortable."

She flashed a look of appreciation at him as Elizabeth replied. "Neville, you heard Bill explain how touch, massage and pleasure can enhance feelings of love, can help people bond. Tonight Sunitra will build on that and demonstrate ways of massage and touch that will help you know what gives pleasure to your partner. It can be as discreet as you wish it to be. It will start with gentle massage, then it can go further to sensual massage, following the meridians of the body to give pleasure.

"Some people will want to get naked, some will not. It is up to you to decide what is comfortable. Some people would want to take it up to orgasm in the presence of others, some would wish to retreat to their rooms to carry things further.

"But the principle here is

ahimsa

, non-violence. Towards others, towards yourself. Nobody is here to judge, to decide for you, to force you into anything. It is just about you and your partner, about discovering your creativity, your fantasies and your imagination."

***

"Maria, would you want to tell us how you see love? How you would define it?" Elizabeth's voice was cool and clear. Long dark hair swirled and glinted as Maria looked around, defiantly, then answered. "Well, you know who I am. I grew up in the house of a policeman, I joined the force as soon as I could. The law was my life, my everything, and my joy was in bringing to book those who broke the law. Then I get thrown into partnership with this man."

Her eyes flashed as she glanced at the muscular Ramon, grinning, next to her. "He was everything I despised. Born in the gutter, grew up in crime, lived the worst of lives. And then he worked to escape, he risked his life to bring the worst criminals to justice. So, for him, I feel admiration, respect, love. I want to show him how I love him, I want to have children like him to show him what I think of him. So, is that love? For me, that is. And something more. I come from a society where men have to prove they are bigger, stronger, more dashing than the next. More macho. You know, Ramon once intimidated a whole room full of gangsters, serious criminals, in letting him upset all their plans. Yet when we got to the car he held the door for me and put his jacket on me against the cold."

Elizabeth laughed softly. "Thank you, Maria, you are an inspiration. And the look in Ramon's eyes are enough to tell all of us that he agrees and shares that thought. Now, Jessica, do you want to give us your description?"

A shy smile. "Liz, you shouldn't have to ask. Firstly, I think love is about giving. Yes, like you gave me back my life and asked nothing in return. So love is giving, unconditionally. But I think love has to have a response, otherwise it dries up. Love is my mother taking me back even after I had done everything she hated, everything that upset her values, wrong as they were. She did not disown me, she asked you to look for me.

"It is also her accepting me back in her house despite my father and the whole community looking down on me as a fallen woman, as someone who brought misfortune on herself and the community. She still loved me. It is also about meeting someone who buys little things just to make you happy, to see the joy in your eyes. And it is accepting those silly little gifts because you know the other person was thinking of you when he bought it. Thank you for the little fish pendant you brought me from your business conference, Pete, it is lovely."

He grinned sheepishly. "Oh, baby, it was just a cheap little thing I saw, just a trinket."

Jessica smiled back. "The value is in knowing that you were thinking of me, and I appreciate that more than the value of the gift, Pete."

Elizabeth smiled. "Fate, for you?"

Fatima frowned, overcome by shyness. "Well, it is supposed to be about taking care of the people in your family, the people who are dependent on you, the people who... your husband or wife, no?"

Elizabeth nodded. "It is that, yes, but is it not about more, much more? About feeling safe with someone who listens to you, who builds you up to be more than you think you are, who seeks to make you happy?"

She nodded. "Well, you are right, I think. To help me become someone with responsibilities, yes. And to build my skills, true. But he... Well, I think I see what you mean. Is it about wanting to do so without expecting anything, like Jessica said? Maybe. About wanting him to feel happy and safe, too. And make sure he lacks nothing..."

Elizabeth smiled. "I think you are touching on something profound. Now, let us hear what Charles has to say."

"Well, love is to discover that a pretty chick is suddenly impressed with my muscles and my smile and cannot keep her hands off me!"

Cecilia frowned and threw a mock punch at him. "You brute, that's not it at all! Love is discovering that he has a brain under all those muscles. He wrote me a love letter, can you imagine? A poem..."

***

Soft warm rain was falling on the edge of the balcony and in the gardens beyond. Sunitra faced the two and asked: "Can we make a circle with our hands? Let's do a soft chant to get into resonance with each other."

They followed her and the chant seemed to take the soft sounds of the rain into their minds.

Sunitra asked: "Fate, you wanted to talk to me? Can I guess it has to do with your definitions of love, joy and happiness? I remember what you said once, that you do not think that you had ever really been happy. That struck me deeply, you know?"

The dark head nodded. "I have heard so much here. Some of the people seem so happy, and now I want to know how... I thought I have always done the right things, done what I was supposed to do."

Neville made to speak, but Sunitra silenced him with a lifted finger.

"Fate, the discipline I follow teaches that happiness, joy, love is not found in duty, in listening to the commands of others. It lies within ourselves, in our listening and obeying the laws, the dictates of our bodies and minds. Tantra is the opposite to the denial practised by so many others. Denial of our needs, of our desires, of our joy and of our happiness. Submission to the decisions of others. Tantra is the opposite of these ideas. It connects us with life, with nature, with the joy of our bodies, the pleasure of our partners."

Fate frowned. "But there has to be rules, someone has to decide... Last night I saw some people, they were all mixed up and together..."

Sunitra nodded. "If that is their path to joy, then who are we to deny them that? If that is not your path, then who can find that wrong? Look at the laws of nature we observe out there. The simple acceptance of the bounty of life. The sun does not ask if it should shine to give life to the plants. The tree does not ask if it deserves the rain, it lifts its arms up and receives it with joy. The orchard over there, yes, it is pruned and trained by careful gardeners, but it does not stint, it gives, it shares its abundance, its love with happiness, without asking for something in return.

"Does that not tell you, Fate, show you that we do not need to transact to have love, protection, support? We need only to accept and receive with joy what is freely given. And we can have joy and happiness in giving freely what we have to give. If love is given and not reciprocated, it withers. If the flowers grow but there is no rain they die. If someone gives love, unstintingly, gives guidance, shelter, encouragement, and does not receive in return, then that love will die."

The dark face was still for a long time, then she looked at Sunitra. "Neville has... has given me much, you know. And now I realise that he never asked for something... I thought he had to... how do I tell him that I did not know to return his ... his love?"

Sunitra glanced at Neville. "I do not think he asks for you to apologise, to pay him back. But I am sure that, if you give your love, it will be returned, as the plants, the tree will give its reward having received the bounty of the rain."

"I was told, long, long ago that the rain is a blessing."

"And indeed it is a blessing, freely given. As love is given, as joy is meant to be received."

Her eyes were damp. "May I stand in the rain? Can I..."

Sunitra returned with towels and found them at the railing of the balcony, Fate facing the garden, Neville embracing her from behind. Her one hand reached back, holding his head, the other was lifted to the rain. She stood silently observing the couple.

Fate turned in the circle of Neville's arms, stood there, her eyes downcast. Them she looked up at him and asked:

"Can we make love now?"

***

Sitar music chimed in the background. Sunitra was closing the slow chant, the mantra, to clear the minds and bring them back from the voyage of discovery.

"Now we reaffirm our love, our commitment to our partners. Now we imagine our beloved bathed in the light of our appreciation, our commitment, our acceptance. And then, slowly, we draw our attention back into ourselves. We affirm our identity, we examine ourselves once again, we accept who and what we are. Sit for a moment in the stillness. And now we release the mantra, we come back to reality.

"Take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes. Turn to your partner and hug them, touch them. And now the meditation is ended. Namaste."

The room was silent, then low murmurs rose. Some partners kissed, some spoke softly, some held hands. Sunitra contemplated them, aware of how much some of them had gone through. Slowly they began to leave the room, also drawn by the odours of the farewell lunch welcoming them.

Fate held back as the others moved out of the room. She brought Neville with her.

"Sunitra, I just have to say...."

She was at a loss of words, but Sunitra laughed softly. "My love, your face, your smile says everything I need to hear. I am so happy for you, both of you. Neville, you look after her now, you hear?"

He grinned. "You bet. I knew she would come back. This weekend was just the fulfilment we needed. We were a little nervous with all these young people around, but then that did not figure at all."

They moved outside where food was being served. Terry came up and asked: "So, ready for the real world? Neville, ready to put nose to the grindstone?"

He grinned. "I have a few ideas I want to try. Young Barrett thought up a few new wrinkles on the old model I had been playing with, I told you? Well, if he is right, then I think I know how to make that do some really interesting things. I thought we could try to..."

Fatima intervened, handing a plate to her husband. "Terry, he has a wonderful team. I am hard at work to get funds. We are going to need cash, just now when the old investments are likely to be pulled. We can generate some by selling off the Ps5 project lines, but we are going to need help."

He smiled. "Let's talk to Elizabeth. We have a few friends who might be useful. There she comes now."

***

Glistening drops flew as the line went taut. Early morning sun dispelled the cold of the night as the trout took off at a run. Terry dropped his rod, admiring the scene. A quick photo: Neville in total concentration on his fish, a wide angle shot of the scene just as the line twanged tight again. Terry reached for the net, watching his friend play the trout.

"Careful of that stump there, if the line gets caught..."

The old trout fought angrily. His hunger and the sight of a careless midge that had landed in the water had him swallow the tempting morsel, only to be caught on a painful hook. Long minutes of twisting, turning and evasion did not help. Slowly he was brought in until, exhausted, he was swept up in the net.

"What a big one. Come, Neville, a nice pose."

Terry snapped a few photos, then they eased the trout back into the pool. For a moment he hung there, then he shot off to the shelter of the log.

Neville judged the sun and stretched. "That was quite a fight. I've had enough, anything else will spoil the experience. Let's go fry up the ones we caught yesterday. I want to get to my notebook."

The climb up the hill was long, the cabin perched far above in a hanging valley. The fresh trout in the pan sent odours that had Terry salivating, but Neville was crouched over his notebook. He only grunted as Terry placed the dish before him and ate as if he did not taste anything.

"Not good?"

Neville looked up, startled. "Uh? No, in fact, delicious, Terry. Listen, did I tell you of the crazy scheme young Barrett mentioned last week? Of combining... Let me just jot that down, the problem was with the data bus, I'm convinced. And that would give us a feed-trough..."

Terry smiled at the racing pencil covering pages with scribbles. Neville paused, looked around and then closed the notebook.

Terry looked at the sky and asked: "I think we can say the sun is over the yardarm. Whisky with a splash?"

Neville sipped the drink and smiled. "Thank you, Terry. Look, I think we need to cut this trip short, I have to get these ideas to the team. This has real possibilities..."

Terry nodded. "Any time, my friend. I sent the photos to the girls already, but we should just let them know we are coming back. Should we pack up now and head out? We'll get home rather late."

Neville looked around. "Let's have an early start tomorrow morning. But I wanted to tell you your wife and Sunitra had a good influence on my girl. Fate is suddenly so different. The other day she came into the study and just about demanded that I take her to bed. Not that I want to talk out of my bedroom, mind you, but she seems to have discovered..."

Terry smiled. "They have that effect, those two. But who's complaining? And in due course I think you are going to learn a thing or two."

***

"Try the latest attempt at manzanilla, Mr Durr. I believe we might begin to see results. Do you agree?"

Terry sipped appreciatively. "To my peasant tongue it certainly does seem so, Mrs DeSoto. Perhaps there is just a hint too much of sweetness, just a fragrance that I cannot quite identify."

She smiled. "Do call me Isabella, Señor Durr. If I may call you Terence? I think that peasant tongue has some noble ancestry after all. My wine maker agrees with you, he will leave the wine another month in the cask for more of the sugar to be consumed. But the fragrance you mention... I do not know. There are orchards near the vineyards... But to other matters. How is your lovely wife? And the children? I must have them visit soon."

"Elizabeth is well, thank you. She asked to be remembered to you. As for bringing the hordes for a visit, I don't know if you want this place to be the scene of a riot."

She smiled. "This place has been something of a monastery for far too long. We need some noise, some joy and excitement. Bring them, please. My staff will make arrangements. And bring your burglar too, I would like her opinion on my latest acquisitions. I suppose you would want to know that young Clifford is doing rather well lately. You gave him the right discipline. He might just turn out a credit to the family."

Terry smiled and took another sip of the sherry. "It pleases me to hear that, Señora Isabella. He is an able young man. Now I want to ask you about something else. We have been working for a company that turned out to be linked to the gang we worked with before."

"Oh how interesting. Do go on."

"We believed that we had completed our brief on that project, that all the loose ends but one had been tied up, so we moved on. We were contracted by this company, Synergon, to find out why they were running out of new ideas. Well, we discovered that had in fact been taken over by another agent for the same principal, with some well-laundered funding behind her. A brilliant woman. She was recruited by Maurice, they changed her identity and had her work her way up the ladder while passing information to them. Her handler disappeared, it seems he got involved in some gang war. In any case the link went dead, but she continued working, built up the company with the help of the head of research, whom she married. He was the real driver of innovation at the company.