Eleanor Rigby: the Aftermath

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I wish I could die!" I wailed into the darkness.

Before I could stop crying, the door to my confessional was opened and Father McKenzie stood over me. He offered his hand to me as he spoke.

"Come with me, Eleanor, please. We need more time and privacy than this confessional can offer. Come with me to my office."

I allowed him to lead me to the front of the dark, lonely church. Then he opened a door to a small room with files and a desk. I sat in the chair he offered and slowly began to compose myself. Finally, the tears stopped and I was able to speak.

"Father McKenzie, I cheated on Ted. He caught me with another man!" I blurted. "Now Ted hates me and asked for a divorce. I want to die!"

"Ted caught you in the act, so to speak, Eleanor?" asked the ancient priest. At my nod he continued.

"Did Ted physically abuse you? Or verbally? Or sexually, when he caught you?" he queried. I shook my head.

"What exactly did Ted do?" questioned Father McKenzie.

"He looked like someone had just plunged a dagger into his heart. Then he quickly walked away. He never said anything, Father. I would have felt better if he had beaten me," I confessed. "I certainly deserved it."

"Was it the next time that you saw Ted that he told you he hated you and asked for a divorce?" prodded the priest.

"Well, no. The next time I saw him was when the car I was in drove into the flooded stream and I was swept away by the floodwaters. I was ready to give up when Ted caught me," I answered, remembering every detail of that dramatic day. "Ted hoisted me up to some men on a bridge as we passed under it. He saved my life, after he had just caught me cheating a few minutes before!"

"I believe I heard about that flooded stream and Ted's heroism," Father McKenzie replied. "I understand his arm was badly broken and your older daughter practically dragged him out of the stream by herself. That was about a week ago, wasn't it?"

"It was six days ago; the longest six days of my life. Ted met with a lawyer while he was in the hospital and had him draw up divorce papers. He gave them to me the morning after he came home," I sobbed. "He told me he used to think I was too good for him, but now he realizes it is he that is too good for me. He wants a divorce. He hates me."

"I see," Father McKenzie nodded as he spoke. "Ted hates you. He jumped into a flooded stream and risked his life to save his horrible, cheating, unfaithful wife. While in the hospital, doped up on all kinds of drugs and in great pain, he made the decision to ask you for a divorce. Did he tell you he hated you?"

"Ted never used those words, but I know he does! How could he not? He would never ask for a divorce if he didn't," I reasoned.

"You thought Ted should accept being a cuckold? You thought that would be demonstrating his love for you?" continued the old cleric. "You thought if he loved you he would accept you sleeping with other men? Is that what you thought when you were being unfaithful to Ted? He should accept everything you do and not complain, and certainly not ask for a divorce?"

"No!" I practically shouted. "I knew Ted would never accept me having an affair! I just never thought about him finding out. I would never hurt him deliberately."

"Excuse me for appearing dense, Eleanor, but how in the world could you think that betraying your husband, your daughters and your entire family, would not hurt Ted? Did you take precautions against disease and pregnancy?" demanded the priest.

I had not expected such a difficult time with Father McKenzie. He had been a family friend, as well as the local priest, for as long as I could remember. He performed the ceremony when Ted and I were married. He had always been kind, gentle, and non-judgmental. Now he seemed to be almost as horrified as Ted had been. Had I made another mistake by confiding in him?

I was not on the pill, so Dan had used a condom. I felt relieved and ashamed at the same time. Somehow it made me feel more guilt, knowing we planned ahead enough to have protection. I pushed that from my mind and spoke to the old man before me.

"Looking back, of course it had to hurt him. There could be no other result," I admitted. "I just blocked those thoughts from my mind when I was with the other man. I just wanted to have a little fling, to prove I was still a desirable woman, and not some old hag."

"Had Ted been less than attentive sexually? Perhaps you felt short-changed by Ted," suggested the priest. "Is he lacking as a lover? Is he possibly not equipped to give you the pleasure you seek in bed? Is he selfish or rough?"

"No! Ted is a wonderful lover. He is very virile, but considerate. His 'equipment' works just fine, Father."

"Perhaps he leaves much to be desired as a provider and as a father to your daughters," countered the old priest in a very irritating manner. "Are you looking for someone that will take better care of you and the girls?"

"Ted is the best husband and father you will ever find!" again I practically yelled. "He supports us extremely well. The girls adore him. I could never find his equal, let alone someone better!"

"No reason to be upset with me, Eleanor," replied Father McKenzie. "I am just trying to determine why you have given up on Ted. Where has he failed that you are willing to end your marriage?"

"I am not willing to end our marriage. He is the one asking for the divorce, not me!" I shot back in desperation.

"You want to stay married and just have lovers from time to time, or do you want to have one long term lover?" questioned the once kindly priest.

"Damn it! I don't want any lovers, ever. I just want Ted to love me! He is all the lover, husband, father and friend I could ever want! Why is that so hard for you to understand?" I exploded.

"The question, I think, should be why has it been so difficult for you to understand, Eleanor?" responded Father McKenzie softly.

I just sat there, too numb to respond. That was the question! Why didn't I realize I had it all, the whole enchilada? Why had I betrayed everyone that I loved, and that loved me, for a fling with a conceited, self-centered jackass?

"Father, do you think I am mentally ill? Could that be why I did such an awful thing? Maybe I should just join an order of nuns and go to some far away place to work with AIDS victims. That would cleanse my soul of sin, wouldn't it?" I asked.

"If you left your family to do that, I would think you are mentally ill. God isn't looking for people that want to torture themselves. People do those things to help others, not as some sick kind of self-determined retribution, or punishment!" preached Father McKenzie. "Come with me for a minute, Eleanor."

I followed him to the door as he stood just beyond it. He pointed to the two-dozen or so people sitting in the church, praying.

"Look at all the lonely people, Eleanor. See Mr. Peak over there? His wife was extremely over-weight. She had diabetes, high blood pressure, and very bad circulation, but that did not stop her from eating everything in sight! She had a massive stroke and died at age 43. He is alone and heart-broken."

"Look at Tom Fiona in front. Every day he comes here and begs God to forgive him for hitting a minivan and hurting two small children, while he was driving drunk. Every night he goes out drinking and drives home! His wife left him years ago and his kids won't speak to him," observed the clergyman.

"To the left is Mrs. Martin. She is a widow at 49. Her husband smoked two packs a day. He died from cancer last year," revealed the old priest.

"The fellow in the last pew is always trying to score oxycontin, except when he is here, in the church. Just two rows in front of him is a woman that has shared needles with every addict within 100 miles. Take a good look. I want you to know where all the lonely people come from! They, or their loved ones, made bad decisions, very bad decisions," he concluded.

"That is the human condition, Eleanor. People mess up all the time, but some learn from their mistakes and some don't. It isn't mental illness so much as it's human frailty. Compared to a fatal stroke from selfishly being a glutton for forty years, driving drunk and hurting others, smoking two packs a day and getting cancer, or risking aids, hepatitis, and/or jail, your offense is minor. There is a chance it can be rectified. That will depend on you, what you have learned, and what you are made of," stated Father McKenzie.

He led me back inside the office and again sat me down. I was trying to absorb everything this wise old man was telling me.

"Frankly, Eleanor, I honestly wonder if you have what it takes. You have always been on top. You've always been a winner. You haven't had to work and struggle when all appeared to be lost. You are being tested, and thus far, you have failed. You yielded to temptation."

He was right! I had always had things my way. I used my looks, abilities, brains, and charm to get everything I had ever wanted. I had never known bad times. Breaking a nail really wouldn't count as hard times.

"The brunt of the test, the most difficult part, is still to come," promised Father McKenzie. "What are you going to do now? Ted asked for a divorce. Do you really believe it was because he hates you? Could it be that you have hurt him tremendously with your betrayal and he doesn't know any other way to respond? You have compromised his masculinity by giving your body to another man. As your husband, he rightly demands that he be the only one to enjoy carnal pleasures with you."

"I have betrayed him, as you keep pointing out. What can I do to change that?" I cried.

"Absolutely nothing, Eleanor. No one can relive the past. Remember the people I pointed out to you in the church? They made bad decisions and had neither the strength nor discipline to change. God will forgive them, and you, for that matter. Your problem is here on earth," he reminded me. " You must decide if you want to stay with Ted. If you do, then you cannot agree to a divorce. You must change your self-centered approach to your life."

"Isn't the decision his, Father?" I asked. "Doesn't he have to want to stay married to me?"

"Correct again, Eleanor," smiled the elderly padre. "Will he find a woman that loves him more than you do? Will he find someone that would give her life for him as quickly and gladly as you?"

"No! Not now, Father. A week ago, I may not have been able to answer that question as honestly," I admitted. "Ted could never find a woman as totally in love and devoted to him as I am now. I know that no such woman could exist. I have been almost wishing that he would find out he needs a kidney, or something, that I could give to him, just to prove my love and devotion. I would gladly give my life for his. He has already risked his life for me."

"That was a wonderful, brave act, by a man in love, Eleanor. You can be certain that you still own his heart, but his mind has doubts. You put them there, and you must be the one to remove them," offered the priest. "You simply have to find out how."

I returned home that afternoon feeling better than I had in a week. Father McKenzie had given me food for thought. I had never doubted Ted's love for me, until he caught me with Dan Wilkens. Had I ended Ted's ability to love me? Could a man love a woman so completely as Ted had loved me, and then turn it off, or convert it to hate, in a split-second? I had to believe he could not; that his love was greater than my selfishness. My life was about to change!

I made a nice dinner and watched television with the girls and Ted. Ted always watched the late news so I waited for the girls to go to bed. Then I decided to let Ted know my decision.

"Ted, I have considered your request for a divorce," I started. "Your offer is very fair and probably much better than I could hope for if you sued for divorce over my adultery. That is what the law calls women like me, Ted. I am an adulterer."

"Ellie, there is no need to even bring that word up. I have told no one and have no intentions of doing so," responded Ted. "The divorce can be uncontested and neither spouse's fault."

"Wrong, Ted. It would always be my fault. We both know that," I quickly explained. "The thing is, I am not giving you a divorce. You will have to push for one and I will fight it every step!"

"Ellie, why make this hard? Do you want a better split? Do you think I have been unfair?" asked Ted.

"Ted, if I wanted a divorce, I would trust you more than any judge to treat me fairly. I know you far too well. Remember I have been your business manager for some time. You are a man of conscience and honor. That isn't always best for business. If it weren't for me, you would be responding to every sob story and emergency tossed your way and never be able to hold a schedule and complete your contracts on time," I laughed.

I couldn't believe it! I had laughed for the first time in a week. I had chartered my course, for better or worse, and I felt relieved. Sticking to it was going to be the tough part.

"So you think I am some schmuck that will let you take me to the cleaners, or worse yet, take myself to the cleaners, Ellie?" questioned Ted.

"Not even close, Ted. I think you love me like no man has ever loved a woman before, and I'm going to return that devotion tenfold. I made a horrible mistake, but that is human. Us humans do that, but hopefully we learn from our mistakes. I am telling you right here and now, that you are the only man I have ever loved and the only man I will ever be with from this point forward," I declared.

"I seem to recall words like that at our wedding, Ellie. Then you took up with lover-boy as soon as he came back to town. Promises are easy. Keeping them is difficult, as you have discovered," goaded Ted.

"Yes, I have, Ted. I expect you to feel that way. It's logical and you are a very logical man. Words I throw out tonight will not prove anything, or change your perceptions of me. Still, I am not leaving and I will not cooperate in a divorce in any manner. I am going to love and cherish you any way I can and convince you that I am the woman for you, the only woman for you. Easy to say, I know. This is one time I am going to fight for what I want, and for what I believe is best for you, and not just me. No woman will ever love you as I do now, and forever more," I added.

Ted was totally stumped. I could see it in his eyes. He had expected me to either agree to his terms for a divorce, or to counter them with terms of my own. He never considered that I would refuse the divorce outright. That placed him in the position of having to file for a divorce and give reasons. I was betting, and praying, that his feelings for his daughters and their grandparents, if not for me, would make him dwell on the decision for quite some time. It was my only chance.

"Now come to bed and I will help you out of those clothes. The doctor was pretty serious when he said you had to be very careful about moving your arm around for a few weeks," I insisted to Ted.

He stared at me for a full minute, then got up and walked into the bedroom. I smiled to myself as I watched the utter confusion he was experiencing.

I would like to say the next few weeks were easy, but they weren't. Ted remained aloof and I had days of fear, and even despair. The one thing I did not do was give up. Days passed and Ted never mentioned what he had decided, if anything, about the divorce. I put on a brave front, but I was scared to death that Ted would finally reach his decision. It was as if I was waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Father McKenzie began stopping at our house on Wednesday evenings. On the first Wednesday he visited, he chatted with the girls for a few minutes and then he and I moved into the kitchen for a quick conference. He went to great lengths to keep my spirits up. It really helped, too.

The second time Father McKenzie visited, we talked for a few minutes and then he went downstairs to the basement to talk with Ted, and to see the entertainment room Ted was still trying to finish. Working with one arm limited his speed and mobility. They were downstairs for a few minutes when Jen joined me in the kitchen.

"Why does Father McKenzie visit us so much, Mom?" she asked. "Is he trying to save our souls or something?"

"I think that might be more accurate than you can imagine, Jen," I told her. "I hope he does."

Jen looked at me oddly. She seemed to consider her next words. Then she simply changed the subject to boys in her class. We were still talking when Father McKenzie stuck his head back into the kitchen. He was wearing a big smile as he bade us good-bye.

Time went by, and Ted's arm was healing nicely. He never mentioned the word divorce again. It was really all I could hope for, but I was faltering. I had lost almost ten pounds from the stress of worrying about my marriage. The first five didn't hurt, but I knew I was beginning to look too thin. Still, I wasn't able to increase my appetite, or weight, and the trend continued.

Helen Drake stopped by often. She never mentioned that day when Ted caught me with Dan, but I knew that she knew. She was a wonderful friend and kept it to herself. She began commenting on my weight loss and seemed genuinely concerned. One evening, as she and I sat and chatted in the kitchen, she brought the subject up again.

"Ellie, you are a beautiful woman, but you are getting too thin! Are you doing this on purpose, or are you ill?" she asked. "I am getting worried about you."

"Thanks, Helen. I have been losing a little weight. It's just that it has been warm lately and I have very little appetite. I'll try to eat more so you won't have to worry," I tried to laugh her comment off and quickly changed the subject.

Shortly after Helen left, Ted wandered into the kitchen. He seemed to be deep in thought. I always tried to be cheerful and upbeat when I was around Ted. He seldom returned any emotion at all, but he wasn't the one trying to gain forgiveness.

"How about some ice cream, Ellie?" suggested Ted. "I'm dishing some up and I'll get some for you."

"Thanks, Ted, but I really don't feel like ice cream right now, but I'll sit with you while you have some," I told him.

Ted came back to the table with two dishes heaped with ice cream. He placed one in front of me and handed me a spoon. He saw the question in my eyes as I accepted the spoon.

"It just seems like I shouldn't be the only one having ice cream," he grinned. "I know how you love Rocky Road."

It was the first time since that terrible day that Ted initiated any sort of interaction with me. I didn't want to ruin the mood so I smiled and began eating the ice cream. As we ate, Ted talked about the girls and how school would be out soon. He thought it would be good if they got summer jobs, just to learn responsibility and money management.

We had a discussion like we used to have and I felt my spirits lift. We sat and shared ideas long after we had finished the ice cream. It somehow became a regular evening ritual. Ted was really putting a lot of ice cream in the dishes, but I was so pleased that he wanted to talk with me that I never complained. He was doing quite well for a guy using his right hand only.

When we went to bed he would slide into bed in his boxers, as he had always done, but he would offer no indication he had any interest in me physically. That hurt a lot because I really needed him to take me in his arms and hold me. I promised myself that if I were ever in his arms again, I would never let him go.

I tried to not be too obvious, but I would be sure to undress where he could easily see me, at least in a mirror. I did catch him looking at my ass and breasts a few times when he thought I couldn't tell. Was he beginning to weaken, at least a little? Could I hang on long enough to win him back? Would it even happen? There were more than a few nights I would lie in bed and cry quietly, long after Ted had fallen asleep. I never let him hear me cry. I always wanted to have a strong and positive attitude in front of him.