Edda

Part two - Return to Jaggers pass

Note that students in New Zealand typically reach the age of 18 at High School or College before entering University.

Chapter Five: Birthday surprise

When I returned to New Zealand I set up practice in Auckland. I had no idea where the family was. My shame and guilt made me reticent to actively look for them. I guess I was afraid of the inevitable condemnation and rejection that would come as a result of what I had done to them.

Somehow the effect of Edda's betrayal had been diminished by my personal defeat of Weber. Ironically the extended psychotherapy I received in the States before I returned had brought to the surface my extraordinary obsessive achievement had partly manifested in the need to outdo Weber and win back the respect of Edda.

This obsessive personality of mine lead to my ability to compete and achieve but was also my downside. The psychiatric challenge was to bring it under control. Through the therapy I had developed my own road map for the future. The final hurdle would be reconciliation with my family.

I arrived back in New Zealand with this thought, but faced with finding her I suffered a curious embarrassment about it. My greatest achievement was the result of competition with Weber at the expense of the family. How could I face them? I wonder if I would have ever had the courage had it not been the extraordinary serendipity of stumbling upon Henneke on the train.

I had recently completed a beach house for a client and I had been staying there while I was in Wellington dealing with the legacy of my father's business.

That evening Henneke rang. She came for dinner alone. She was eight when I last saw her. She was a beautiful girl then; she was a beautiful woman now. I cooked; it was a simple meal. There was little time to prepare so I stir fried some chicken and vegetables and lay on a bottle of sauvignon blanc.

Meeting at the door she did not hesitate, she grabbed me and hugged me tight and began crying. I really did not know what to do. My feelings were in turmoil, but I hugged her back and it felt good and comforting. That night was a talk fest but we danced around and did not face contentious items.

She had not told Edda she had met me. She told Lotte but she could not make it out tonight as she had a recital. Edda told me that she did not let on about Lotte's parentage. I swallowed at that. This family had to be healed and that issue would be a difficult one, but she would have to be told. Henneke knew where Willem was. He was in Auckland. He was some kind of software genius having created apps that had also made him a great deal of money.

Heart breaking was Edda's condition. She had only just been forced to use a wheel chair. Edda still lived in the house I designed for her therefore she was living in Auckland as well. Henneke said that her Mother had decided to sell the house but she happened to pull out the plans when she was looking for the house documents. At the title at the bottom of the plans was 'Edda's Huis van Genezing.' She decided there and then she would never sell the house.

Henneke had never known her Mother go out with any other man.

Henneke had never seen Weber since that awful day.

Edda had indeed made a shrine to me in the house.

Edda had never offered any explanation for her behavior but had always blamed herself.

Henneke herself was not married but had a longstanding Partner. Her partner was in Wellington. She became very cagey about who she was visiting when she rode on the train. I let it lie; I suspected that my appearance may have forestalled something unhealthy. Henneke was to marry her partner a year or so after our meeting.

Edda's birthday was looming so Henneke had the idea of having a party with my appearance a surprise. I had my doubts about it but she had Lotte on side and she contacted Willem and he was totally on with it.

In fact he insisted on ringing me straight away bursting with 20 years of missed opportunities that had to be compensated for in a one half hour phone call. We determined to meet in Auckland in advance of Edda's birthday.

I met Lotte at Henneke's apartment in Wellington. I felt obliged to discuss her parentage to get it out of the way, Lotte burst into tears and was going to leave. I grabbed her and got her to face me and as the tears streamed down her face I said and I repeated; "I was at your birth. I cannot describe the feeling of joy and awe when you popped out. I looked after you virtually as sole parent when your Mother was recovering from the crash. I took you to the doctor and looked after you when you were ill. I took you to kindergarten. I took you to your first junior cricket lessons and I hear you still play. I remember the joy a t your first recitals at kindergarten and school. I booked you in and took you to your first violin lessons and put up with the god awful screeching at your first attempts at practice."

Lotte giggled at that.

"You are my daughter." I continued having stressed the 'are'. " After all these years I still love you. I cannot explain and I am deeply ashamed at our separation but I want to devote the rest of my life to making up to you."

I am not sure she was convinced by my speech but she did not leave.

Proof would be in the pudding, I guess. 20 years is a long time. Nobody mentioned Weber.

************

Arriving at our old house or should I say Edda's house I was immediately puzzled by a structure, a bit like a lichgate at the bottom of the path. I was later to find out that this was in fact designed by Edda herself. It was styled on a ceremonial Maori gateway structure known as a Waharoa but that was not altogether obvious to me at the time. I was to find out that this was not the only addition by Edda and she had changed the house progressively in quite a profound way, adding ornate elements, sculpture and enhancing the planting. I walked up the limestone path, my shoes crunching as they had on that awful day long ago. They would all be in a landscaped court at the side of the house. Lotte's head appeared at the corner of the house and put a finger to her pursed lips "sssshhh we are each giving her presents." I was holding an expensive bouquet of beautiful white flowers and a bottle of Moet.

Lotte continued, "Stay there, I will wave at the corner when you are to come in."

A short time later I heard Henneke say loudly, "oh, I nearly forgot, we have one more present for you Mummy." I thought that the term Mummy seemed odd from a 30 year old.

As arranged a wave appeared at the corner. I walked slowly forward. At that point, I was shit scared. There is the old saying about the heart being in one's mouth. My heart was so in my mouth, I could taste it.

I walked around the corner virtually hiding behind the bouquet. I looked straight at Edda sitting in her wheel chair, smiling at Henneke, turning, looking at me; blue eyes like paua shells, mouth agape....silence... her face goes to her hands.

We are all looking at each other. I am thinking, "bad idea, bad idea!" Henneke frantically waves at me to approach Edda; Lottie rushes over and puts her arm around her. Willem approaches me and slaps my shoulder. I shuffle forward holding out the bouquet. Edda looks this way and that and asks Willem and Lotte to help her up.

They reach under her armpits and get her to a standing position. Edda looks straight into my eyes and without tears she smiles and says

" Where in the name of hell have you been, you're late!"

She then grabs me in two hands by the neck and gives me a kiss. An Edda kiss, an Edda passionate kiss, the perfume; the taste, the feelings all came flooding back to me in a rush and I returned the kiss with all the passion I could muster.

We were next in each other's arms. The bouquet dropped to the floor. I had to support Edda and I don't know what made me do it but I had the urge to lift her and swing her round. I looked at her face as I swung and she was laughing almost hysterically. I plopped her back into the wheel chair. Henneke had picked up the flowers and was finding a vase. Willem had the bubbly and was sorting out glasses. Lotte got a camp chair for me to sit next to Edda. I settled into the chair and I turned and smiled at Edda as she grinned back with that Edda smile one saw only occasionally. I always fancied her smile was just for me. I never saw her smile like that for anyone else. It was that smile I had always looked for approval for something I had done for her.

Staring and smiling at one another neither of us could speak. There was so much to say, where to start.

I started by mouthing words I could not put voice to. Finally a voice came, "you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known." The reaction was electric. She burst into tears, melting into my shoulder, her voice muffled," I'm not; you're too late, I'm dying."

This was not the Edda I knew, I reacted with a flash of anger.

"Only if you let yourself."

"What would you know?"

"Well in the words of Stephen Hawking , you can live a long life when you have purpose."

"Did he actually say that?"

"Probably not, but he could have; he did live a reasonably long life didn't he."

"I suppose so," Edda had stopped crying and was looking at me with a querulous expression.

I finished that line by saying, "We can talk about that later let's just enjoy the moment."

We sat in silence side by side. As well as I could, I drew her to me, my arm around her. Edda seemed unusually soft and pliable. When I had done this in the past she would inevitably stiffen. I used to wonder, putting it down to her Dutch heritage, perhaps. Today put a lie to that thought as she leaned against me softly crying.

I had never seen her cry like this before or indeed cry at all. My reaction to it was also a cause for wonder. It invoked curious new feelings in me. There was a resurgent need to protect her but this was somehow different. Even through those years following her accident I had never quite felt like this. I could feel my heart beating. There was an urge to draw her in and envelope her. It seemed that my suit of metaphorical armor had just melted away.

Would this be a new relationship? Was it just the illness or was it something deeper, an outcome from our lessons in life. Could this new way of interacting be what I needed for a sustaining loving relationship, or would it invoke the embarrassment of us mutually letting our guard down.

The road was going to be hard. Edda's illness compounded the baggage of the last 20 years.

Was it possible to reconcile all that? Our children were now adults; each could hinder any reconciliation or conversely support us. On this day at least the atmosphere was totally supportive, almost beyond belief considering our experiences.

I had thought about the possibility of reconciliation; I had a plan. I had also been recently been contacted by Pieter.

In the meantime I was fascinated by Edda's changes to the house. Breaking silence, I mentioned the changes and Edda beamed through reddened eyes, obviously proud of what she had done. The exterior of the concrete walls had become green walls. The interior was like an art gallery. Doors had sculptured shapes around them replicating a theme begun by my own. Staring at these it dawned on me that there must have been inspiration from that period so long ago. I remembered the day Weber walked into my office and the drawings I had been doing in grey pastels. Here they were in 3D Form. I mentioned this to Edda and she was delighted that I had recognized that. She said she had been experimenting with 3D printing and had been using the plant at the company originally set up by my father.

With trepidation I approached our old master bedroom. Edda no longer slept there. "Never since then," she said. She had another room. I was astounded to find what that room now was. It was a gallery of my work and my achievements. She had indeed made it a shrine to me. I just stopped and gaped. Edda looked at me in silence awaiting my reaction with some apparent embarrassment. I was lost for words and did not know what to say. I turned and knelt in front of her wheel chair and hugged her. It was an awkward but a heartfelt hug.

Then it dawned on me. I recalled what one of the Pritzker judges had said to me. They had visited this house and it tipped the balance in my favour. They thought this was all my design but it was Edda's as much, if not more, if you think about its total ambience. Somehow Edda had won me the Pritzker prize in more ways than one.

It was like the whole family was urging Edda and I to reconcile. Although bygones could be bygones we were actually like old warm friends but we were different people. We both felt love, I believe, but living together was an unknown. However we both had a will to do it. The overriding shadow was Motor Neuron.

As I did in the years Edda was recovering from her brain damage my focus turned to her. I firmly believed that she needed something to live for. I recognized her talent in the house and other sculpture and artwork she had worked on over the years. I felt shamed by her utter support of my work. She could have, but never admitted to the judges her role in the house.

I asked her about this. Her story was she was going to sell the house and they retrieved the plans and in the title block was the name 'Edda's huis van genezing.' She had an epiphany reading this realizing what she had always taken for granted my dedication to her recovery after the accident. She said she suffered profound remorse at this and her work with her house was the next stage of her recovery.

It was then she asked of the title, "Why the Dutch?"

"Because when you were first getting your power of speech back you were initially speaking exclusively in Dutch. I learnt quite a bit of Dutch in that period."

Two things we decided to do. One was to go to counselling together, both toward our reconciliation and her condition. The other was dating. Edda did not want to initially but I put it in terms of recovery. I initially arranged to go to restaurants that catered for mobility and eventually we were attending public shows and events regularly. I even got her dancing. Well... wheel chair dancing. I put on my old Edda song one day 'Simply Irresistible' and we went for it!

The other thing I wanted for Edda was hope. I wanted her to have something to live for. Pieter had contacted me about a proposition. It was a proposition of extreme irony. Since Weber had died Pieter was inheritor of the posthumous work of Weber. There were a number of designs unrealized. Several were in New Zealand. Originally He wanted to know if I knew of someone who could represent him in New Zealand. On hearing about Edda and I reconciling, he immediately announced he would come himself and speak to us directly.

Once Pieter arrived and settled in we chose an appropriate restaurant. First I needed some background on Weber. Pieter reiterated that he knew little about his relationship with Edda but he added one titbit. It seems when Weber was dying he admitted that he wanted to start a second family with Edda. Pieter was horrified as it seemed to do with eugenics which Pieter, being Dutch equated with the Nazis and the horrors of the Second World War. Weber called Edda 'Zuchtkuh.' He wanted her for breeding. He just thought of her as a cow really. He was never what Pieter would call a good father. He had nothing much to do with his children. His wife handled the family largely alone. It appears his wife had eventually returned to Germany with his children. They were beneficiaries of his work but had agreed that Pieter stay on as they did not have the technical capacity to do the work. They knew that Pieter was trusted by Weber implicitly so he ran a practice based on Weber's work.

Weber's wife herself had since died apparently not ever knowing about Edda.

I suggested that he come and look at Edda's work. Tentatively he floated the idea that a New Zealand arm be established. Pieter said he would take that to the family. Although they knew of Global Well and the Pritzker prize Weber had never mentioned any animosity.

I wrestled with the idea as we were not intending to be entirely open about it but strangely I felt it would give some additional meaning to a side of Edda's life she was otherwise ashamed of.

When I broached it with Edda she was horrified but she thought about it. Edda was primarily amazed at me. She thought I would hate Weber, Which I did once but I had reconciled myself to his place in the scheme of things. The power of his work was undeniable. In his work he thought along similar lines as me and to be honest about it I admired his work and was influenced by it.

We decided to take it to counselling as she worked though the idea. It was there that the remaining demon in her life surfaced. This threatened to turn into a crisis that would blow any future apart.

To get over it Edda was going to need specialized therapy. It was trauma that had its origins in the cause of the road accident that nearly destroyed Edda's life. As part of Edda's tasks Edda had to visit each of those families that were collateral damage from that accident and explain what happened and apologize. And one of those families was our own. I am in total awe of Edda's courage in doing that. She got a range of reactions from hugs of forgiveness to doors slammed in her face. One person hit her to the ground and kicked her despite her disability.

We were the last. We had a dinner with Henneke and her Partner for the event.

Willem, Edda and I travelled down to Henneke's and Lotte and her partner joined us. Following dinner we were fortified by a glass of port and sat around while Edda held court in her wheel chair. She explained what had happened in that week.

I was not fazed initially. I did bring up for the first time what Pieter had told me about her being Weber's 'Zuchtkuh.' This stopped Edda on her tracks. She began to tear up. She admitted he kept talking about having children but although having Lotte she had never wanted that.

She was succumbing to him about it but it was a source of deep conflict for her. She never dreamed that he just saw her as a breeding cow. It had been bad enough when she discovered, to her horror, he was married with several children. He had never mentioned them. She had never seen any publicity about them.

These revelations almost derailed the night and Edda had difficulty in composing herself. She finally said that she feels as though she dodged an awful fate worse than she had.

She realized he would have separated her from Henneke and Willem. This issue was to be left for our counselling sessions and we moved on. The rest of it was all a long time ago and surprisingly I thought of it as actually ho hum.

But the evening of the accident was something else.

It was obviously difficult for Edda and her tale was punctuated with her tears. Edda began with what happened in the bar. They had met up with the five boys. Weber had been pressing Edda about becoming pregnant to him again. She was resentful of him over this and willfully started playing up to the boys. They had been drinking and one of them in particular started making a play for her right in front of Weber. He was one who said he planned on doing law at Uni. Edda said she had joked that he appeared arrogant enough to do law.

She could see Weber was concerned and she continued to flirt with the boys touching them on the arms and giggling at their jokes. She said she felt half cut at this time, having drunk three wines under quick succession on an empty stomach.

She noticed Weber appeared angry and confused at their behavior and excused himself to the toilet. Edda spied him after he came out hovering at the door watching her. She began to ham it up for him accepting yet another drink.