"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin
You might be waiting for the Bazinga. There is no Sheldon or any of the Cooper family here or any Bazinga to be uttered. Well this is the beginning of a story. A sad story. There are some things that should be instinctual. Something you don't have to tell your young son or nephew.
Don't put your penis in a toaster.
This shouldn't have needed to be said. There is no case where those words should ever have to be said. If you have to say them the next line should be...... "And now for the April Darwin Award Ceremony may I introduce the man who voided the warrantee on his toaster with his penis. Come up here and get your golden toaster trophy."
Put the following words into Google "London firefighters penis".
I am sorry for taking away your innocence and your loss in humanity. I heard about the story for the first time on my face book. I thought this couldn't be real. I was wrong. The Google search found it.
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Honestly what do you even say? I made jokes because what else are you going to do? It is a truly horrifying thing to imagine. I assume everyone has made toast and burned it on occasion. Now imagine then thinking "Sure I burned the toast but it would feel great on my penis.". Do you get a 4 slicer if you want a little "Junk in the Trunk". Do you check the toaster manual to see if it is water resistant?
I was a little bit shocked when I googled a toaster Manuel. Apparently it can be 8 pages. I skimmed it and nowhere does it mention it is unsafe to put a penis in. Well other then the things like drapes possibly catching on fire and possible electrocution. But really who could ever make a leap of logic as to that meaning it is a bad idea to put your penis in it.
I could make more jokes.
Instead it is time to make a story for the Loving Wives section. There will be a loving wife at some point. Ok that might be a tad too far fetched. There will be a wife. She must have really loved him at some point because she definitely did not marry him for his intelligence.
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Somewhere in London
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It is a quiet night and Billy Tallywacker the Third is home alone. His wife is out playing bingo and he is feeling a bit lonely. His birthday isn't towards the end of the year and he hasn't got the patience to wait that long.
He has set the stage. He has the Strawberry flavored lube. He has the soft music playing on loop. The lights have been dimmed. Billy is undressed and generously applying the lube.
"This might be a bit rough at first Billy Jr. but this will be an experience we will both remember."
There is a pillow and wrapped up in the pillow is a toaster. He looks at the toaster and with a low voice utters the following.
"You know you want it bitch."
With a thrust he puts his penis inside the toaster.
(( If I describe the following any further the mods will nuke the story. The important facts are that the toaster is plugged in with an object inside that squirts fluid. Any male reading this has already imagined in his mind what is going to happen. ))
BZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!!!!
The power is out after the toaster short circuits. The room is now totally dark. The Stove is off. The microwave is off and likely relieved that it is not next to be raped. There is no lights because the circuit breaker was tripped in the basement.
A few hours later.
"Honey I'm home!!"
She noticed that all the lights are off.
"You think the amount we pay in rent the fuses wouldn't be blown every other week."
A quick trip to the basement and she flips the circuit breaker back on. She smells an odd odor as she goes to the kitchen.
"Honey were you cooking hot dogs?"
Mildred doesn't get a reply and starts looking around the house. Then she sees Billy naked at the kitchen table. He is hunched over a pillow. There is also excrement on the floor where Billy had a bowel movement. In his defense he is dead and had no control over it.
"ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME!!!"
She starts dialing the police.
"I'd like to report a death. My husband electrocuted himself fucking our toaster."
"Yeah the toaster........."
"No this is not an April Fools prank."
"How the hell would I know if he was drinking? I was at bingo."
"Do you think he would be fucking our toaster if I was home?"
"Fuck you bitch!! Send someone!!"
The Emergency Assistance lady does send someone. London Fire fighters are dispatched. No idea why they were sent. This is not a fire or anything requiring Fire Fighters.
On the plus side she may be able to save on batteries tonight now that she is single. But first there is another phone call.
"Hello Mom. Billy is dead."
There is a silence as she is being asked a half dozen questions. She isn't saying anything then mumbles very softly.
".......... He electrocuted himself putting his dick in a toaster."
The laughter can be heard over the phone. I am guessing that Mildred's mother is not particularly grief-stricken for her son in law.
"Yeah I know.......... I know.........."
"Yeah dad was right he is a dumbass. I know."
"Yeah you are right."
"Hell I don't even know if the insurance will pay out."
