Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over

My contribution to support the April Fools 2020 event.

If you want to whine about me or any of my stories, be forewarned that I gave up caring about whiners for Lent. I have to tell you that it feels so good that I may adopt it as a new lifestyle. It only takes a few seconds to delete a rant, so please don't spend more time than that writing it. If you need to vent, put it in an email.

This short story takes liberties with how the legal system works. If that bothers you, leave now. Besides, that sounds like you might be whining (see above).

Please read my profile for my stance on comments. Feel free to email suggestions or to start a conversation. Private messages work too.

Stevie Nicks: "Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love? And is it over now, do you know how, to pick up the pieces and go home?"

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We were coming back from enjoying a tasty dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant. Tori drank a little more than normal. We've been married for five years and things have become a little strained at times. It's been a week since we last had sex. It's been more than a few months since we made love. I can't put a finger on what's come between us. Hopefully tonight we can make love again and get us back on the rails.

I hit the garage door opener and got nothing. When I stepped out of the car, the motion detecting porch light should have illuminated the area. Some kind of power outage? Not really, as all of our neighbors were well lit.

Using my cell phone as a flashlight, I approached our front door. It was slightly ajar. I couldn't detect any damage to the door or frame.

"Our front door is open!"

"Did we forget to close it before we left?"

"I don't think so. I'm positive I locked it after getting the mail. Besides, I know I activated the security system when we left. It wouldn't have let me do that if a door or window was open."

Looking at my phone, there were no messages from the security company. Normally I get an alert when we have a power failure, so I don't know why I wasn't notified.

Tori yelled at me from the car "JOHN! We should call the police. If someone broke in they might still be there!"

Not wanting to be a hero, I let Tori call the police. Ten minutes later two squad cars arrived. The officers casually left their vehicles. After Tori and I introduced ourselves, Officer Wes Unger provided backup as Officer Vic Stearns entered the house.

A few minutes later the lights came on and Vic came out of the house. He said the power box breakers had been tripped.

"It does look like you've been burglarized. Why don't I escort you through the house while Wes does the same with your wife?"

The insurance company always tells you to make lists, take pictures, and update your records. I'd done none of that. My security system was supposed to protect me from theft. Vic and I stopped by the security control console and determined that the system had been put into a dormant state. Whoever broke in knew my code and how to deactivate the whole system.

"Let's go into the garage and talk."

After fifteen minutes, of asking things like who had grudges or vendettas against me, Vic and Wes decided to swap. For the next fifteen minutes Wes asked practically the same questions as Vic.

I guess these guys see this stuff all of the time as they were very upbeat when they left the scene. They'd taken our statements and several dozen photographs. Toss in dusting for prints on the doors, power panel, and security system and I felt like I was in some television crime show.

My stomach was turning thinking about what might be missing.

When the officers left, Tori announced that being burglarized made her feel dirty and that she was going to take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I checked every room, trying to find something missing. I came up with nothing. Granted I'm not completely familiar with everything we own, but the major things were still here. Did we interrupt them before they could fleece us? Maybe we lucked out.

That hoped for night of passion never materialized.

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There was no overcoming the feeling of having been violated. Tori thought some boxes of unused checks were missing, so we contacted the bank. It was a pain in the ass to establish a new checking account, but removing the possibility of that bank account being drained did provide some comfort.

We didn't have sex for another week. Tori claimed she didn't feel safe and it was difficult for her to be passionate. Sucks, but she had a point.

Four weeks after the burglary, it happened again. Ours is a small enough town, and the same two officers responded. Not surprising I guess, as it was the same day of the week and same time of day. The only difference this time was that Wes interviewed me first. His questions this time included wanting to know what insurance claims I'd submitted. He certainly hinted that he had to rule out insurance fraud.

Much like the first go around, each officer spent fifteen minutes with me, and fifteen minutes with Tori. Once again, Tori announced that being burglarized made her feel dirty and she headed off to take a shower. The officers smirked at that comment then bid me farewell and left.

This security system is worthless. After complaining to them, they led me through the steps to reprogram the access code. Yet, here I am again with the police dusting for prints and taking dozens of pictures.

Again, I couldn't find anything missing. Yes there were drawers open and things scattered about, but my cameras were still here, my computers were untouched, and they hadn't taken any of Tori's jewelry. My bullshit detector was blinking. There's something fishy about these break-ins.

Rather than risking surveillance cameras that needed AC power, I opted for the battery cell variety. It was cheaper to buy a six pack of them. While Tori was out shopping, I put one on each of the three entrances. Next was one in my office area, and one in the dining room where our safe was located. The last one was in the bedroom positioned such that it could watch Tori's jewelry and also the closet where my guns were stored. The batteries wouldn't die until long after the camera storage was maxed out. Now I was hoping we'd get broken into again.

Tori's attitude changed to be a little more arrogant towards me. It was as if she was blaming me for the break-ins. Kind of like she felt that she was somehow smarter than me. Maybe she is, but this isn't some fucking competition. We're married.

I mulled over all of my personal interactions. There wasn't a single person who stuck out. Nobody was a suspect. Tori claimed the same. No one came to mind for her either.

We went out to dinner two weeks after the last break-in, but the house was fine when we got home. I still changed the security system access code every few days. I even triggered it by not entering the code, just to see if it was still working. Apparently it was as I was bombarded with texts and phone calls from the security company.

Rather than go out for dinner on Saturday night, I persuaded Tori into making it Friday night. Break-in number three happened while we dined. It was Wes and Vic who responded. They were not nice in how they treated me. All of a sudden I'm prime candidate numero uno. I was going to tell them about my cameras, but with their attitude, fuck them. I'll examine them after Tori has gone to bed. Besides, that bedroom camera might have Tori prancing around nude, and there was no reason to give Wes and Vic something to dream about.

Tori showered again and immediately went to bed for the evening. I'd taken the bedroom camera down while she was showering. It only took about five minutes to gather the other cameras.

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What a patsy I was. This whole fucking thing was a setup. After we left for dinner, Officers Unger and Stearns entered through the back door. They punched in the access code to satisfy the security system. With a few more keystrokes, they shut the system down. Wes went out back and the lights went dark. With only their flashlights providing illumination, the cameras picked them up randomly making the house look like it had been burglarized.

What the fuck is this all about? They were only in the house for about ten minutes. The next action was when the heroic officers secured our house, while we sat outside waiting. When I viewed the other videos, I felt like getting my guns.

After Wes went with Tori, and Vic took me out to the garage, Tori proceeded to suck on Wes's cock for a minute then let him fuck her bareback. After he emptied his seed into her cheating cunt, she licked his cock clean. That's when the officers switched. She provided the same servicing for Vic. He spent a lot of time sucking on her nipples and with her sloppy cunt, it took him a little longer to drain his cock.

No wonder the slut felt dirty after the break-ins.

Revenge was going to be completely on the up and up. I'm not spending any time behind bars, but I think I can put the three of them away for a while.

My first stop was the FBI. Although they were interested, it was outside of their jurisdiction. They did set up a meeting with the state attorney general's office. Things fell into place quickly. Not knowing the extent of the corruption within our local police department, the take down would be done solely with deputies from other jurisdictions. The state AG was planning on making this a media event as he had political ambitions.

For April first, Tori and I planned a nice dinner out. I'd made excuse after excuse, over the last three weeks, to not go out. Almost certainly the cheaters would strike and we'd be burglarized.

As expected, we'd been broken into again. Five minutes into Wes's interrogation, I excused myself to 'answer a text'. What I really did was initiate the electronic firing of my fireworks display. Today's legal exploding fireworks are pretty tame, unless you're not expecting them. Plus, if you put them in empty soup cans, the sound becomes quite amplified and can scare the shit out of you. Who knew you could get an app to detonate fireworks?

This was no bang silence bang show. Nope, I'd hidden over fifty loud single shots under our bed, in the linen closet, in the bedroom closet, and in the hall coat closet. I even hid a few in the garage. Secured in the soup cans, they weren't a fire threat.

As soon as the first few ignited, old Dudley Do-Right bounced up off of my car hood and immediately drew his firearm.

"Get down!" was shouted at me as Wes pondered whether to enter the house or not.

He squawked into his walkie-talkie about an active shooter situation. What he didn't know was that there were several members of the Sheriff's department, and a representative from the state attorney general's office already waiting outside. When Wes opted to go out into the backyard, he was greeted by a flood light and ordered to hit the pavement.

I opened the garage door to find some officers with guns drawn. With my hands above my head, the captain called them off. About then that a bare-assed Vic came tumbling out of the front door. He was carrying his pants and waving his gun around. When the bullhorn and flood lights hit him, he knew the gig was up. A sheepish Wes was slowly marched out of the back yard, hands cuffed behind his back.

The commanding officer had allowed the news crews to turn their lights and cameras on, so it was all captured for their viewers.

After prompting by the bullhorn, and wearing only the bedspread, Tori joined the boys face down on the lawn.

I yelled towards the trio "April Fools suckers!"

That made all of the gathered people chuckle. For the next hour you could hear the sniping at them 'April Fools'.

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Epilogue:

This was a great story for the television news. Sex, deceit, police corruption, and explosions. Nothing like giving a few interviews to attract available members of the opposite sex. I'll survive just fine.

Every time Tori called, she got flustered. All I would say was "April Fools!"

Tori turned state's evidence, for a negotiated plea deal. She testified that it all started with a traffic stop. Wes suggested that she could elude justice with a little quickie. Although she knew I was in attendance during the trail, Tori wouldn't make eye contact. Yes, she knew it was wrong. No, she didn't know why she decided to take that route. Then, she testified, Vic pulled her over a week later. After another quickie, she evaded justice again.

After those encounters, Tori was routinely pulled over by one or the other. Those meetings weren't random, as the trio were now texting each other. They decided it would be hilarious to rub it in my face. Feeling that I was clueless, they took turns fucking Tori while the other was taking my statement.

Two years and one hundred hours of community service for Tori. And the loss of her marriage. Five years for Wes and Vic, with their careers and marriages down the tubes. The city settled my lawsuit out of court. The non-disclosure agreement prevents me from disclosing the terms. That being said, I'm driving my new seventy thousand dollar truck up to my million dollar lakefront mansion. I have no debt. My new security system uses fingerprint technology to activate and deactivate.

The lady I'm currently dating works as a deputy for the Sheriff's department. She really fills out her uniform nicely. She pulls me over, at night in our bedroom. Fantasy works.