Diary Of First Time

This is the journal of my life and the evolution of my sexual awakening over the past four years. My name is Nina and I am a 40 year old Caucasian woman who is happily married with four wonderful children, a devoted husband, and a good job. I am your average neighbor who lives right down the street, or you see rounding up the kids at school, and you would most likely never guess the fun that I have when I let my hair down. These are the stories of how I got to this point. I hope that you enjoy and by all means, reach out and ask me questions if you ever need some advice.

Chapter 1: Background

We had been married for 15 years, Jim and I. We we married right out of college. Young, stupid, optimistic. I ran to Jim in fact because he represented everything that was normal, steady, safe. You see I grew up in an insanely crazy house and Jim's love and adoration offered me refuge from an abusive father, an alcoholic mother that saw me a meal ticket and a scape goat. Jim is who kept me safe. Safe from my abusive relationships, my bad decisions, from myself in many respects. I was dealing with a lot of things at the time. I drank a lot to forget the STD my dad gave my sister and I in high school and I was scared of men. Jim was the first one who even pierced through the defensive armor that I always used to prevent me from getting to close to people.

Jim was the first person to see me for who I really am. He is the first person that I allowed to see that. He was handsome and athletic and on his way to Law School. I couldn't believe that he wanted to be with me. He made me believe in myself and for that I fell in love with him. It was a romance where he swept me off my feet, but I really made him work for the prize. I had never slept with another guy since my beast of a father raped me, and I could never see myself as beautiful, so I had a hard time understanding what Jim saw in me. I wasn't a slut like the other girls he had dated. I wasn't an easy to get along with, yet Jim chose me.

I made him wait until we were married to sleep with me. And after that the kids came quick. Four kids in four years all while Jim was in Law School. I worked so hard to be the ideal wife for him. I stayed home to take care of the kids and we lived off the student loans. Unfortunately, I buried myself in the raising of the kids and that is how I found my identity. I worked so hard to leave behind my trailer trash life of childhood, that I wanted everything to seem perfect yet under the surface it wasn't. Jim was working long hours to pay off the student loans and try to make a name of himself in the practice. I managed the home front and was often times already asleep when he would come home from the office.

Jim wanted more from me. He would try to tell me about his fetishes, his fantasies, his kinky desires but I wanted nothing to do with it. I don't know if it was because of my fucked up up-bringing or my preoccupation with things being storybook perfect, or my own issues with how I saw myself and sex, but I didn't pay attention to him and during our 8th year of marriage I found out that he was having an affair. I was so pissed. I threw him out. I threatened to take the kids. I was vindictive and trashed his sports car with his own thousand dollar golf clubs. It was a fit of rage.

But then I came to my senses. I realized that he made all the money. Everything was in his name. I wouldn't be able to afford things on my own and there wouldn't be any alimony. He was a lawyer after all who had everything locked up tight. He came back begging to take him back and I thought long and hard about it, prayed about it, and finally decided that it was the best thing for all of us.

Unfortunately I carry a grudge. It was over a year before I would even let him touch me again. And even then when things got to be regular in the bedroom again, it wasn't the same. Our sex life wasn't great before the affair and it was even worse afterwards. After some counseling I new that I had to let him have me every now and then even if I didn't really care if we ever had sex again. But we stayed together for the kids and for the security.

Chapter 2: The Clues in The History

While I was happy to forgo the sexual benefits of marriage Jim wasn't. The marriage counselor was on Jim's side that masturbation was a suitable alternative to sex (either in an affair or with me since I wasn't giving it), the only stipulation was that it couldn't be secretive. I wanted to know that he wasn't having another affair and so therefore I controlled all the passwords, the accounts, and the website histories. From time to time Jim would disappear to "go do some paperwork" and I knew exactly what he was doing. After the kids were in bed he would close and lock the office door and come back 30 minutes later a little more relieved. Wadded up tissues in the waste basket from him cleaning up his mess. We had an unspoken understanding where I didn't bother him and he wouldn't do it in front of me. I didn't want to see it and he didn't want to rub my face in it because he knew I wasn't happy about it.

I hated checking in after him, but I also wasn't going to be naive and get burned again. And over time I watched Jim get more and more sexually frustrated and start dabbling in weirder and weirder shit. First it was humiliation where the women guide him through masturbation, all the while berating him about being pathetic. Then it was a strapon fetish for a bit with videos of the guy being fucked by a Dominatrix, whipped, chained, and tortured. After that it was trannies- transvestites and transexuals. Apparently if he couldn't have me or other women he was now lowering his expectations to men who looked like women when he jerked off. And then the most recent history showed him looking at videos of cuckolded husbands. I actually had to look this one up because sheltered little me didn't know that these things actually existed. I had no idea that some guys fantasize about watching their women get fucked by other men.

Being an armchair psychologist and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with us it suddenly became obvious to me. He was beating himself up about the affair and doing some sort of self-loathing penance. Instead of being the dominant, strong, type A personality that he lived in not only in the courtroom, but also on the home front all those years, he was now getting off by being submissive... taking his punishment... getting fucked instead of fucking... denying himself instead of taking what he could have. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks - I was going about this in all the wrong way.

He hurt me. And after all the counseling, all the apologies, and all the time that had passed I was still hurting and I wanted him to be hurt as well. Perhaps instead of trying to instill pain on him through denial, maybe it would better for me... him... us... if I turned it around and finally started using this whole sex thing to my advantage. I had always seen sex as something of a punishment, something to be endured, something to be leveraged as power but I refused to let anyone else have that power over me again. But because of all that hurt I wasn't seeing how it could also be used in a healthy way to heal our relationship.

Chapter 3: Testing the Water

After stewing on this for a few days I decided to break the tradition of leaving him be. One night after the kids were tucked in and I was cleaning up from supper, Jim snuck away to his office as was the norm. This time I gave him a few minutes and then barged in with the ruse that I couldn't find my bank card. His pants were around his ankles and he was kneeling on the floor in front of the computer fondling his cock while there was some video of a large black man pounding some young white porn star. I took notice of what he was doing but didn't say anything other than "Have you seen my card, I really need it to buy something online?" He was bewildered that I didn't start screaming at him or fly off the handle (believe me it took everything that I had inside me not to) and only managed a weak "No, Nina. Haven't seen it." and then I turned and left.

Jim emerged from the office very sheepish that night and kept his distance for sure. When we went to bed he crawled into bed after me hoping to avoid a fight. He thought I might be asleep but after about 30 seconds, I very quietly asked him... "Is that what you fantasize about Jim... a big black guy fucking me?". Mr. Preparation in the courtroom, Mr. I Have An Answer For Everything, Mr. Sarcastic Reply stumbled for words. First he tried to pretend like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he half-heartedly tried to deny it. Then finally, he at least admitted to "well kind of Neen, I mean, you and I hardly fuck anymore. Maybe you might be happier if you had someone else?"

The silence was deadly. I don't think 5 seconds ever took longer in my life. He wasn't sure of what I would say or do and there was sheer terror in his face. He and I didn't talk like this. We didn't talk about sex. Every conversation that we ever had about sex ended in an argument. He wanted things different. I didn't want things at all. We didn't see eye to eye... ever. What was only a few moments seemed like an eternity. Finally, I let the words escape from my mouth that I practiced a hundred times... "How do you know that I don't?" Then I rolled over and turned my back to him. He was stunned.

If before he didn't know what to say, now he was utterly flabbergasted and speechless. I wasn't watching him but you could nearly hear his draw drop in astonishment. I didn't say things like that. Nor did I ever handle things so calmly. He was very uncomfortable and the tension could be cut with a knife.

And then after what seemed like hours, but in all actuality was more like 3 minutes my hand moved back ever so quietly under the covers. With my back still towards him, I reached back and gently ran the back of my hand over his crotch. He completely wasn't expecting this, nor was I to find the raging hard on he had in his boxers. I heard him take a big breath before I turned over to face him.

"You are actually turned on by this, you sick fucking bastard!"

Speechless he looked at me, not knowing how to react or whether I was going to go ballistic on him.

I grabbed his crotch a little more tightly and felt his hardness in my hand. He was stiffer than I felt him in years. He was nearing 40 at this time and his best years of fucking were behind him. I hadn't felt that large of bulge in his pants for years, even before the divorce... and it was throbbing at my touch. The look in his eyes was fear and lust all wrapped into one.

"You are actually getting hard over the idea of me fucking another guy. Look at you! What the fuck is the matter with you?! What kind of sick fuck are you?"

Jim was star struck. I was berating him just like in those humiliation videos he was fond of. I had discovered his deep dark secret and lost control.

My hand was still on his cock and it started pulsing. I knew what I was doing and squeezed him tighter, then I hear him moan just the slightest of bits and felt him start to cum. All through his boxers, load after load, what seemed to last forever. I just held on tight and let him explode.

Jim's face turned white with embarrassment. Not only was he excited by this idea but the premature ejaculation was almost too much for him to handle. He started stuttering that he was sorry. He was sorry about fantasizing about this. He was sorry for cumming. He was sorry for ever cheating in the first place. And then when I heard that I took my cum covered right hand and slapped him across the face, leaving some jizz on his face along with the red mark of my hand and I stormed out of the bedroom.

I went to the spare bedroom that night and when Jim knocked on the door to apologize again and check on me, I told him to leave me alone. It was all planned, but he didn't know that. I wanted to keep him guessing and wanted him to be unsure and most of all NOT IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.

That night I touched myself for the first time in years. On the big bed, all by myself, my hand found my pussy and I was already soaked. My juices were flowing like they had never before. At first I wondered if I had already climaxed and didn't know it because I was so wet by this whole thing. But minutes later I learned what a real orgasm was like, no, I didn't miss the first one. I was just so excited that my body was preparing for release. And release I did. For the first time in my life, it seemed as though I might be in charge of my own sex life and how that did thrill me. Not my sadistic father... not my all to safe boring husband... but me. I had finally started to take the reigns and that sensual pleasure was addicting from the first drop of precum that glistened on my hand. I climaxed three times that night, quietly so that Jim wouldn't hear me, and then slept in the next morning not bothering to set an alarm.

Chapter 4: Setting Him Up

When I came downstairs the next morning everything was taken care of. It was a Saturday and Jim had made breakfast for the kids, picked up the house, and was busy arranging some flowers that he had picked for me from the garden. At first glance he immediately came up to me and whispered that he was sorry in my ear. The kids knew that he was on my shit list because he never did things like this without prompting, and the only time that he picked flowers was when he was in deep trouble.

I didn't really acknowledge the apology but rather gave him a skeptical look if anything. One that said "We'll see if you mean it" without actually saying the words.

There were errands to do, a birthday party to attend for the kids, laundry to catch up on. It was a regular type day and we went about the morning without talking about it another word. That was pretty regular for us. When we were with the kids the focus was on them, not us. That was my doing and any attempt to switch the conversation to us was almost always redirected by me. I didn't like talking about us... ever... and especially not in front of the kids. We slipped back into the normal routine of running every which way except doing what was meaningful.

That night after the kids went to bed, Jim had the opportunity to slip off to the office but didn't. I was doing the dishes as normal and Jim cam up behind me to apologize once again. He started to say that he was sorry for watching those stupid videos, but I interrupted him and told him not to be.

Once again Jim looked at me in confusion. It was as if the world that he had known and become accustomed to was collapsing around him.

I responded "You can't help yourself. You are pathetic.... You can't control your horny little pecker and so you jerk off your pathetic little cock." (This was the type of things that those girls in his humiliation or JOI videos would say). He looked at me almost sideways but I also noted the bulge in his shorts. Confused by the situation, but excited just the same.

I then followed it up with a self-deprecating apology of my own now that I had him where I wanted him. "You can't help it because I have been denying you. I have been so pissed at you that you've had no other release. I'm sorry honey. I've really been kind of a bitch"

Jim didn't respond. I think that he was in disbelief.

I approached him slowly and said "But I think you kind of like me being a bitch, don't you?" in a low and sultry voice which he wasn't used to. And then my hand brushed up against his crotch again as he shook his head affirmatively.

I grabbed his cock through the gym shorts he was wearing and said "I kind of like that you jerk off like that. Then you don't have to bother me with constant obsession about sex. And that way I don't have to be disgusted by your freaky fucking fantasies."

Jim started to object, but I put a finger against his mouth and laid out a deal that he couldn't refuse. I said "Listen. I'm going to let you to continue to jerk off, but ONLY if you do it my way. I don't want to have to look over your fucking shoulder and check your history anymore. I am sick and tired of chasing your sorry ass to see if you are still cheating."

Jim started to protest and tell me that he doesn't cheat anymore, but I stopped him and told him "Shut up. You will listen to me for a change."

"Here is what you are going to do. Every time you want to wank your little dick (I saw him perk up every time I insulted him) you need to ask me for permission. No more sneaking off to your office to do it when I am not around. You will ask me permission, and then you will report back to me. Do you understand? I want you to email me every time that you jerk off and let me know what you were fantasizing about."

Jim repeated almost in disbelief... "You want me to ask you to jerk off? And you want me to email you when I am done?" He was trying to wrap his head around this.

"Yes" I replied. "That's it. I want to know what is your sick fucking head. And I want you to ask permission. If you don't ask or you don't email, then that's it. Fuck it. It will show me that you don't care and you don't like this side of me. It will show me that you aren't really serious and you can go to hell for all the lectures you give me in those fucking counseling sessions."

Jim was finally coming to his senses about all this. He asked me "Neen, are you serious?"

I grabbed his cock through his shorts and said "Absolutely. The question is are you?" then I followed it up with "Why don't you start now, this is the time when you normally go play with your cock, isn't it?" berating him a bit.

Sheepishly he answered "y-y-es".

"Well then go and get it over with. I don't need you blowing your load again in bed tonight. Go and spank your little pecker and get it all out. I will finish up here."

And so Jim went, almost staggering, to the office and disappeared for almost an hour. I finished up the kitchen and went up to bed when I heard my phone buzz with a new email. It was Jim's first email telling me how he brought up the clip of yesterday and how that is all that he thought about all day today. How when I walked in on him and didn't say anything it was the most exciting and erotic moment of his life. And how it was so freeing to tell me about his fantasy."

Now I had him. I had him admitting this fantasy in his own words in writing in an email. Now if anything went south, I had evidence to use in divorce proceedings. Not only did his words turn me on incredibly, but the feeling of power that I now had in the relationship after more than a dozen years was intoxicating. I started rubbing myself through my panties and came almost instantaneously. Almost in much the same way that Jim had the night before. When I opened my eyes after the orgasm, Jim was standing in the doorway watching me. I smiled at him, rolled over, and said "Good night" before he ever had the chance to climb into bed.

This went on for a week, where each night he would ask me permission to go jerk off and I would tell him to share with me a new fantasy. Therefore after a week I had emails from him about fantasies where he was humiliated and teased for having a small dick, about being dominated, spanked, bound, and fucked with a strapon, about having a forced-bi and crossdressing fantasy, about me having a boyfriend that we would both service together, and about him and I fooling around with a tranny. There was even one about me making him eat his own cum. These were delicious emails to read and I savored each one.

And I rewarded him each time with a little bit more and more. The second night I read it with him in bed next to me and I let him watch me touch myself. Something I had never before done. The third night I let him jerk off again while I read it and touched myself to orgasm, but only allowing him to climax after I was done. The fourth night I gave him my panties to wear while I jerked him off. The fifth night after I jerked him off I brought the cum to his lips and then kissed him. This made him cum again on the spot, even with neither of us stroking him.