What was also clear to me know more than ever was just how much I LET her rule my life.
Anger, depression and hurt surged through me. I felt as if a knife had been stabbed through my heart all over again. It was time to put an end to this farce. Taking one last look at the pathetic reflection in the mirror, I decided that it was time that I finally did something.
Still seven months ago:
Waking up I decided that today was a new day, and my future started here. To my amazement I was even able to appear affectionately towards Zoe over the phone.
My next step was obvious; I needed to talk to someone. My problem was that although we had a lot of friends, most of them were Zoe's. True or best friends were always difficult for me. In short, I had two. Paul was somewhere in India finding himself, so I called Sarah. She held a double advantage, one she could give me the female perspective and secondly, she was the smartest person I knew. A brief chat over the phone and she understood how dire my situation really was. Within minutes, she was back on the phone. She'd cancelled all her appointments for the day and was on her way over! After recanting the worst twenty-four hours in history, well at least mine, she simply took charge!
The solicitor we met shortly before lunch was helpful and efficient but in truth told me I was screwed. On the surface Zoe had a great job, I was part time. Without Zoe's income I had no chance of keeping the house for me and Ellie. Secondly although I had proof of adultery, in the eyes of the courts this was secondary to the best upbringing for the child. In short if I pushed for a divorce, Zoe would walk away with everything.
So, option one of simply burning the bitch would have to be put on hold.
The second thing she suggested was that I contacted Daniel. He was an old friend of ours from Uni. Modern terms would be a computer geek. We became friends when TGL needed technical support. He was shy, retiring and socially awkward, but put him in front of a computer and he was a genius.
Sarah and I invited him back to mine and for the next two hours, he worked his magic. He'd hacked Zoe's Mac, giving me unfettered access to every email she received now and in the future. Her iPhone wasn't going to present a problem as he gave me a little device that would enable me to clone her phone. All I had to do was get close enough to it. Therefore, by tonight I would have full access to everything. All her emails, calls and texts. The only thing I would have to do by hand would be to copy her diary each morning when she left for work.
For the first time I felt that I might just survive this!
That completed, Sarah and Daniel took me to a local restaurant to fatten me up. "When was the last time you ate?" She asked me accusingly. "Look, Ellie is YOUR priority now! However, you can't take care of her if you can't take care of yourself."
She was right, although I had managed somehow to take care of Ellie and get her to day care this morning, I had been neglecting myself. I couldn't tell her when I had last eaten!!
Somehow now, I realised that to survive I had to detach myself from all this hurt and pain for the sake of my daughter. Yes, I knew that this futility made me a cuckold but the only other option I mused to myself was the act of actually killing her!
Therefore, for the next two months I lived as if my life was in limbo. My job sucked, my pretend marriage sucked. I suppose it told you all about the state of my marriage, because Zoe was either too busy or unconcerned to notice! My only joy was spending more quality time with Ellie, she was my rock and she was growing up way too fast.
The problem I quickly encountered was that I continually struggled to contain my emotions. At least once I nearly let the cat out of the preverbal bag. My solution and salvation surprised me.
Each day I wrote down my thoughts about Zoe's infidelity in a journal. A warped sense of absolution, like Zoe's diary. Of course I gave myself full artistic license and I fully allowed my anger and imagination to get the better of me. Therefore, my accounts became vivid and more elaborate, the truth became almost secondary. However, in short if it was happening on the pages then it wasn't happening to me in real life. Therefore, my life didn't suck and my wife wasn't having an affair! I didn't say in was a perfect plan, but in short it help me greatly and provided me with a new reflection on life.
The wind of change:
Zoe was away again for work, only this time it appeared genuine as lover boy was stuck here in good old Blighty. She was in sunny Madrid with delegates from Boxshall Holdings. My life probably would have followed the same path if it hadn't been for Sarah crashing at mine for the night. She'd recently split with her girlfriend and needed a release. We decided to hit the town!
Ellie was away with the in-laws for the week, so I was free to trot. We'd met up with a group of old friends and painted the town red. Laughter had been followed by laughter. At some point a taxi managed to drop two drunken souls back at my house. I don't know how it started but suddenly my façade cracked. Two months of hiding my broken heart, two months of pretending that I had a loving and faithful wife and two months of trying to recover from total and utter desolation. Anger resentment, hurt and absolute failure flowed through me and the next thing I knew I was a broken man in floods of tears. Sarah, well she was a rock. Even in her inebriated state she took control. She managed to calm me down and started the process of trying to sober me up.
I remember laughing at her when she mentioned how well she thought I had handled the last two months and how calm I appeared. "If you only knew the truth," I shouted. She must have given me a doubtful look, for the next thing I remember was that I was shoving pages of my journal in her direction. "Here, two months of misery and the musings of a cuckolded husband!!"
All of a sudden, the enormity of my life hit me hard. The protection of the journal had been bested by the alcohol consumed and the concern of a friend. Anger, shame and failure consumed me and before I could fall further into the impending abyss I quickly took myself off to bed. I must be dreaming for I remember hearing my voice being called. Waking up I see Sarah standing by the edge of my bed looking down on me. As I said, I was dreaming, for she was standing there naked. Confusion must have shown on my face, for she seductively started to crawl across the bed towards me. "I've wanted to do this for a long time," she smiles, before kissing my naked body.
Any thoughts about the fact that I was married lasted for barely a second as the blood rushed from my brain to a different part of my anatomy. We locked in a passionate embrace as my hands started to roam all over her gorgeous curves.
"Please be gentle, it's been a long time since I've been with a man." She said in almost a whisper as she willingly gave me her body. In my drunken lust filled haze, I would like to say that I was gentle. I imagine the truth was something quite different. I was so sexually charged that I simply just devoured her. She was mine and I just took her again and again!
