Diary of a Ch

Her diary, I never knew she had one!

It took me most of the remaining evening before I found it tucked away in her secret, not for my husband, lingerie draw. It was a small A5 leather book. I realised that I was holding my breath as I held it in my hands. Unsure how long I waited but finally I opened it. The first page had my name neatly written at the top, followed by the date when we first met. Interestingly it was the day of the party, I never even realised she had noticed me.

With a broken heart I started to read, my new life had just begun.

Present day at the book launch:

Zoe clung lovingly on my arm as the conversation amongst our little group considered the reasons behind Marsha Tillman's hidden identity. I bet she's ugly jested Tod. He received a playful slap and a reproachful look from his wife. I mean it could be true, couldn't it? He continued blundering blindly on. Who wants to read a saucy novel, if the writer herself is hideous? The image garnered a few laughs, but in truth everyone in attendance was probably harbouring some thoughts as to why Marsha Tillman had shunned the spotlight and chosen to remain hidden?

I tried to retort with some intelligent response, maybe she is just shy or has another agenda. It may have nothing to do with her looks? I was quickly shot down by the supreme leader.

It's a marketing campaign he said confidently. Look around you; the media have been eating up this story from the very beginning. Marsha Tillman will just turn out to be an ordinary woman who wrote a sexy novel. Nothing remarkable about her, so her publishers decided to hide her away and create some illusion of mystery. IT SELLS MORE MERCHANDISE!! He said rather too loudly as if he was trying to emphasize his point.

Everyone in our group leading with his wife looked at him. Some in awe at his wise words, some in simple devotion. I tried to gauge my wife's reaction, but movement on the stage focused all our attention back to matter at hand, the unveiling of Marsha Tillman.

Sarah Tolliver, chief publicist for Eye, Trump & Adcock publishing house, stepped forward to address the assembled press and honoured guests. I felt Zoe's shock as she saw Sarah standing up there. You never told me she would be here! It was little more than a whisper, but her tone revealed how unhappy she was with me. The irony was Zoe hated being kept in the dark about anything. She obviously saw some collusion here between Sarah and myself. I just gave her an exasperated shrug and turned my attention back to the main stage.

Sarah was arguably my best friend alongside Paul. Only I hadn't seen Paul for nearly three years since he went on a world trip to find himself. Sarah's voice brought me back from my reverie. She looked every part the efficient business women standing there. This was a big night for her and I knew just how nervous she must be standing up there in front of all these people. Thoughts went back to Uni, where despite the fact that she was the undoubted brains behind the four of us writing TGL, she never had the nerve to stand up in front of everyone and say so. That honour fell to me before the good Professor decided to steamroller us and steal all our limelight.

She began by welcoming everyone. Tonight, is a special night in more ways than one! Her smile shone across the room, she actually looked like she was enjoying this.

Before she could continue, one of the many reporters shouted out.

Is Marsha here?

A casual glance around the room, this was the question on everybody's lips. Yes, came back the confident response. I can confirm that Marsha Tillman is indeed with us tonight and once we have unveiled her new book, Marsha Tillman will be invited up on this stage and be introduced to you all, and with that she promptly exited the stage. A collective gasp came from the room as they realised that this finally was going to happen.

The initial excitement was quickly followed by a lull in proceedings. Mike saw his opportunity to try and impress Zoe and by default, me again. You know I've been told that the publishers and Marsha herself were really impressed with the presentation we put forward. In fact, some of our ideas might even be consider for her third instalment. Yes, last week when we dined with them. He suddenly stopped, cautiously looked around and then leant in even closer, barely whispering. Sorry, the walls have ears and all that drama performance! Yes, last week I was told confidentially of course that they are really keen about our proposal, and very excited about working together in the future. With an all-knowing grin he said, imagine 50 shades only hotter!!

Wow, that's amazing I said with genuine surprise. From what I've read, every production house from here to New York are interested in obtaining the rights. Have you got them? This was said with an element of awe and a trace of amazement. Not yet and he gave my wife a quick wink and me that all-knowing smile.

You bastard, I thought! I know something must have flashed in my eyes for his demeanour quickly changed and he turned his attention away from Zoe and myself back to his wife and his devoted fan club. With the exception of me, the rest of our little group treated him with some kind of hero like reverence. For one last time I tried to gauge Zoe's thoughts, since the appearance of Sarah on stage she was virtually clinging to me and yet I could tell that she still held her lover in high regard!

Sarah's commanding voice brought us quickly back to the present. Ladies & gentleman let me introduce Marsha Tillman.

Two screens' either side of the stage sparked into life. The image of the cover for her first book filled the screens followed by a set of numbers. The first number was three. A voice calmly told the crowd that this represented the number of weeks her book was number one in this country. Next came the number 12. She made it inside the top ten in America and has stayed there for an impressive 12 weeks. Over a million sales worldwide and has achieved number one spots in five other countries including Australia, New Zealand and Canada. At every statistic the crowd vigorously applauded.

I suddenly had a desire to use the bathroom. Quietly excusing myself and giving Zoe a brief kiss on the forehead I left as the crowd were given even more information about how successful the first book was. I was exiting the ballroom when I heard that it had been short listed for the prestigious Warwick Prize. This was truly an honour to be short listed and received arguably the loudest cheers of the night so far.

The room proved at least they were knowledgeable.

The two screens started a countdown, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

The new book burst onto the screens' followed by a huge fanfare. Tonight, the wait is over. The second instalment is here. At that the screens went blank and everyone turned their attention back to Sarah.

Before I introduce you all to our star, I would just like to say that on pre-orders alone our second instalment has already reached the top ten. From midnight tonight, we expect stellar sales and it is our prediction that this novel will be the fastest selling book we've ever sold.

Therefore, ladies, gentleman and honoured guests, it is now my great pleasure to introduce to you all, the author, Marsha Tillman. The lights suddenly dimmed across the room causing several guests to shriek or gasp. Slowly, confidently the camera-shy author strolled to the stage. A cacophony of shrieks, gasps and flashbulbs filled the room as the lights were suddenly switched on. Marsha Tillman stood before them all, in the flesh.

Seven months ago:

The diary in my hands shattered any illusions I had about the state of my marriage. It had only taken me a couple of pages before I realised what I possessed. In the Catholic Church it is thought that you could confess your sins to the church and in front of god, and be absolved. For my loving wife Zoe; this diary represented her version of absolution.

The diary started when we first met. My first thoughts were I wonder how many other diaries there were out there. How many other suckers had given their life, their hopes and dreams only to have them so savagely crushed?

The early days were mainly tame. It talked about us, how much in love she was with me BUT, yes, the big B. she couldn't stop flirting with other guys. At work or in a club there would be chaste kisses, heavy innuendoes. Nothing earth shattering but it showed me an insight into her own insecurities. The mildness all changed when Tony Devonport appeared on the scene. He was over here working from a sister company in New York. He was big, good looking and powerful. He also corresponded to the time I was indisposed with TGL2. I quickly realised that he was the guy I saw Zoe dancing with. They had bonded over an innocent cup of coffee and as she had time on her hands, she had agreed to show him around town. At the start all she wrote was that she was attracted to him, nothing heavy but... they agreed to go out again only this time the night ended with them sleeping together. The third night was the night I caught them. From her words it was clear that he was an impressive lover and she was lost in a mixture of lust and the attraction of power.

The end of their brief liaison came courtesy of the realisation that I was aware. Her next page chilled me to the bone. He wanted her and she wanted him. When she told him it was over, that they could never work, he asked her to move to New York with him. He was offering her everything she ever wanted.

Confused, well she must have been, because the next page was filled up with the pros and cons of both suitors. One the one hand, here was a skilled American hunk, rich, successful and powerful up against an insignificant university student, with no money. The only thing I had going for me was that she claimed she loved me. The next day the gig was up, she knew that I had seen them together. I would have thought it would have made her decision easier, yet the more he pestered, the more she remained undecided. The only thing I could tell clearly, she never saw him again after that night at the nightclub.

The knockout clincher came for me when she saw me with another woman. Her pages were filled with burning hatred, burning desire. Of course, I had no knowledge that she had ever seen me and Josie together. The next couple of pages were filled with insults and accusations. How could I love her and just throw her away, hence I never loved her! She even tried to compose a love letter to try and win my heart. At some point she must have worked through her anger or run out of alcohol because the next entry was simply titled - GETTING HIM BACK!

The next couple of pages were dedicated to the struggles of trying to win me back. Least this gave me a little satisfaction. My recollection seemed a little bit fuzzy, but all I can remember is that she turned on the sexual charm and I simply caved. There was also an interesting mention of good old Tony here, and how she would have to lock down the memory of them together. It never happened.

The next couple of years hardly warranted a mention. She was happy, she was in love. She had a beautiful baby daughter, a wonderful home, a great career and the man of her dreams. Confused, well you imagine how I feel reading all about this!!

Eight months ago, her words changed. One-word promotion. Mike as she called him had let it slip that a promotion was in the wings. A large client was in London looking for a media firm to take care of the European business end and Aspects were on the shortlist. I remembered it well. For weeks it was all she would talk about. If only I had read between the lines.

Boxstall Holdings over the course of the week had been won over. A month of hard work had paid off and Zoe was ecstatic. Mike was so pleased he offered up a weekend retreat at a five-star resort. We were both invited but Fidelity was stacked and I couldn't get time off at such short notice. I never thought about it at the time because I was told it was a whole team affair.

Her diary painted a different picture. The moment it became clear that Zoe was going alone a couple of the other members quietly recused themselves, leaving only four. And two of them were already in a relationship. That left just Zoe and Mike. It was a skilled seduction. He gave her over the weekend a taste of the highlife. No expense spared; a glimpse of what her future could be. Champagne followed by candlelight dinners followed by the lure of promotion. The shameful truth was that he knew my wife so well. By the end of the following week she practically threw herself at him, with no thought as to me or our marriage.

I remember being so proud of her promotion and dutifully understanding that the increased responsibilities meant there would be the occasional late nights at work! Only now, I saw through the deception. Late night equated to evening quickies when everyone had left the office. Long business lunches equated to afternoons in various hotel rooms around town and working weekends away simply meant weekend fuck fests. The diary did claim that at least she felt the semblance of guilt about me, but not enough to stop her. It was clear that in her mind she did love me and her family but she had also pigeon holed this extra activity as part of her commitment of working for Aspect.

There's only so much self-degradation one can put themselves through. So, at some ungodly hour I put down her diary. Tomorrow I would call in sick; Ellie was in day care all day that would give me the opportunity to torment myself further. Sleep did not come easy.

EPT:

Three months ago, in the diary sunk me to a new low. Over the last three years we had had various discussions and arguments about trying for a brother or sister for Ellie. The timing was always off. Firstly money, could we afford another child. Secondly careers, funnily enough yes, this discussion concerned both of us. However, I quickly realised that her promotion effectively ended any discussion about increasing our family. We argued as she blatantly said that HER career was more important. She quickly realised her mistake but by then the damage was done.

I was royally pissed and for the next month we were like strangers. The diary entry confirmed to me that she was late and that as we hadn't been intimate she was concerned that it might not have been mine!

I never knew about the pregnancy test or the thankful negative response, all I dumbly realised was that the sexual hiatus for me was over and I had the women I loved back in my arms again. At that moment I rushed to the bathroom and was sick! The bathroom mirror held the final and most telling insult. I looked at my reflection. It wasn't a pretty picture, for a simple, clueless fool stared back

What was also clear to me know more than ever was just how much I LET her rule my life.

Anger, depression and hurt surged through me. I felt as if a knife had been stabbed through my heart all over again. It was time to put an end to this farce. Taking one last look at the pathetic reflection in the mirror, I decided that it was time that I finally did something.