He smiled inwardly. "What do you mean, Lydia? I don't understand," he asked in mock confusion. His wife still had enough pride not to accept defeat out loud. She fumed. Not the least bit interested in his games, she just sighed and continued, "Please, honey... just... just stop."
He frowned. After all he'd been through, he couldn't bear to see her anguish. After all she'd done to him, he couldn't completely finish off his love for her.
"Why." It wasn't a question; he already knew the answer. "Why should I stop? After all, wasn't it you who suggested open marriage in the first place?" He spoke the two words he hated with as much venom as he could muster. "Surely, you don't think it was a bad decision on your part, do you?"
Suddenly, she couldn't meet his gaze. His rage, his hurt, it was all evident in those eyes. But, it was now or never; she couldn't let her guilt get the better of her.
He had to compliment her effort. When she had made eye contact with him again, she did so without flinching.
"I know, alright!" she stated as tears pooled in her eyes.
He looked at her quizzically. "So, you want me to stop, Lydia? Why should I, just because you don't seem to like it?" His emotions were getting the better of him. He needed to stop before he blew up. "You should be happy; after all, it was you who pushed me so far," he added in a much calmer voice.
She stared at him with open hurt. His words really stung and a part of her knew why they did; because they weren't false. Then, she couldn't control herself anymore.
"I know I've made a mistake, okay!" she almost screamed at him. "You've already isolated me from my parents! You've slept with all my single girlfriends and the married ones have cut off all ties with me because their husbands don't trust you with them! They said I'm a bad influence on their wives!" As an afterthought, she bitterly added, "From last night, it seems you've successfully taken my little sister away from me, too. What more do you want?!"
He saw the tears cascade down her rosy cheeks, but didn't even bother to offer her a handkerchief. In fact, he wanted her to cry; it was only fair.
He chuckled to himself after hearing about her so-called friends. "It's hilarious; those were the same men who criticised me of not being 'man enough' to trust my wife going wherever she pleased, on her own, even when many of them knew about your affair with that Freddy guy!" He was holding his sides as if someone had cracked some really inappropriate joke. "Even when they knew I suspected you had an affair, all those months ago." He shook his head at the irony. "Now, they think
I'm
not trustworthy? Oh, you have to admit it, Lydia. it's more than hilarious! Some men they are!" He took a swig of the beer, as he controlled himself. "Guess, that's how people are; they don't understand or care about the situation with the other guy, until it happens to them."
She winced as he reminded her of her first affair. He had the right to be enraged at her friends and their husbands; after all, it was she who had told her girlfriends not to warn Steve about anything. What frightened her was, she didn't detect any vehemence or resentment in his tone as he talked about them.
"Honey," he began. He was calm as he looked at her. "It's not what I want; it's what you want. It's always been about you, remember?" His eyes radiated sadness. "You wanted a big house with your dad's money? You got it, even though I asked you to wait for a while, so I could buy a home for us with my own money. You wanted to disregard our marriage vows and have an affair with some guy? You got it, until I caught you. You didn't want a divorce and kept asking for a second chance, quite insincerely, no? You got that, too." He did not raise his voice, even a bit. The look in his eyes conveyed more than enough of what he felt. "After I caught you having another affair with a colleague of mine, you didn't want a divorce. Instead, you suggested... no, you threatened me to accept an open marriage, or else you'd have ruined my life with daddy's connections, remember? Again, you got what you wanted... and let's face it, you opted for an open marriage instead of having me completely cuckolded, only because you had so much faith in me." He took another sip of the beer; his voice cracked as he tried to keep himself together. "Do the words, 'He couldn't land any other woman even if he tried to,' ring any bells?"
She looked at him in shame, more than shock. Those words... she had told those to her friends when they'd prodded her for information on her setup and warned her that the plan might backfire. "Steve..."
"What had I done to deserve all of that?" he asked, more to himself, than to her. He looked solemnly at the ceiling; partly, to stop his tears from falling, and partly, to lament his fate. Was there a God in this world? He had always wondered.
She saw the hurt in those eyes. She heard how weak and vulnerable he sounded... and she had only herself to blame for that. She wanted to rush to his side and embrace him tightly, never to let him go. Instead, she settled on reaching for him across the table and holding his hands with her own.
She looked at him. Her eyes tried to silently assure him. Seeing the pain in those eyes tore her from the inside. "Honey... baby... you did nothing wrong; it was all my fault," she admitted. "You... you were always working and I was lonely..."
He let out a bitter laugh at that. Looking at her with an unreadable expression, he spoke, "Do you still need to lie to me? After all that has happened?" He removed his hands from her grip and gave her an unamused look. "Please, none of those clichΓ©s. You and I both know that's bull. It's about time you tell me the truth."
She shrunk under his glare. She knew he was onto her. She knew he deserved the truth.
"It was... was..." She had trouble getting it out. At that point, her hands seemed really fascinating to her.
"Was what, Lydia?" He prodded. "I'm going to meet Julie, if you're done wasting my time."
"Wait!" She glared at him, which turned into a look of helplessness. "I did it... because l was angry at you."
He did not speak a word. His silence urged her to continue.
"I was angry at you, jealous of you." She couldn't meet his eyes as she spoke. Her hands, on her lap, clenched into fists. "I was happy... when we started dating; I was the luckiest woman in the world when we got married." She smiled a bit at their happier memories. "Still, a part of me had always felt the revulsion... this bitterness towards you." Her voice had an undertone of repressed anger and it surprised him. "I was daddy's little girl; someone who never had to work for anything in life. I knew what everyone thought of me! I heard what my so-called
friends
used to say behind my back!" Her words dripped with venom and then, she looked straight at him. Her eyes were full rage and hatred. Or, at least, they seemed to be, as he could see the hurt and the helpless girl hidden behind that mask of contempt. "It got worse after I married mister self-righteous, mister goody-goody, over here!" He didn't flinch at the look of hatred he received. He sure was surprised at the revelation, though. "Even mom and dad! The two people who hadn't ever criticised me in my whole life, had suddenly turned into different people! They were... judgmental... disapproving of my lifestyle." A quiet sob escaped from her lips. "You! You were the sole breadwinner for our house and to everyone, you just couldn't do any wrong! Anything I asked for, you made it happen! Never did you forbid or keep me from anything! You don't even know how I felt! How everyone used to gush about what a wonderful husband I had, and how lucky I was to have you!" A lone tear trickled down her cheek.
"I saw the hidden remarks and the scornful looks! Knowing they were indirectly telling me how I was an ungrateful and undeserving bitch, made me feel even more hatred towards everyone and most of all, you!"
For the first time in many months, her gaze hurt. He knew that was because she was telling the truth; something she had not done in a long time. Seeing her like this, he realised: for all her pride and airs, she was still a weak little girl... and her self-esteem had plummeted a lot after marrying him.
That last line of thought stung, he admitted.
She wasn't done with her tirade. "That's why I decided to have an affair; and soon after I met Freddy." He was surprised at her tone. He had expected her to gush about her lover, but all he heard was a voice filled with regret. "He was so very different from you; impulsive, rash and bold. At first, I was attracted to him, but after I had been with him, the novelty wore off; he just wasn't right. He wasn't you!" This time, she gave him a look that was part hate and part love. "It wasn't long before you caught us... and I half expected you to blow up! But, no! You couldn't even manage that! You just silently asked for a divorce! You didn't even seem to be a bit angry!" She looked at him as if there was something wrong with him. After being caught and forgiven the first time, she had felt like a loser. She had felt as if he had mocked her, insulted her by accepting her back.
"I wasn't done with you, though; I wanted you to break! To show everyone that you're just a weak man!" She wiped another tear with the back of her hand. "Then, I met Jean; the guy who worked with you." She cleared her throat and tried to compose herself. "He was a gentleman. At least, everywhere but in the bedroom. I liked the wild sex for the first few times, then I started hating it." She got a faraway look in her eyes. "He treated me as an object, a piece of meat, rather than a person. I yearned for my husband's soft, loving touch. I missed how his warm body felt on mine; I missed how his soft lips felt on mine," she said as she choked back a quiet sob. Her eyes came to focus on him. "You caught me again... and then, I saw the hurt in your eyes; the betrayal you must have felt after catching your wife with a colleague." She took a deep breath. "A part of me was celebrating that I had finally gotten through to you, that I had... proven you weren't infallible." Now that she was admitting it all, she realised how warped her actions and thoughts sounded. She wanted to openly cry, but she couldn't. Not until she had said it all.