I could see the hate in their eyes as I made my way across the room to the podium. I felt my flesh being ripped from my body as I was shot, stabbed and probably hung out to dry even before I made it there. I'd had tears in my eyes for the last five days and at this point really didn't give a shit what they thought anymore. As I stood there I could feel beads of sweat running down my back, my stomach was nothing but one huge knot, and no matter how many times I wiped my hands, they stayed wet and clammy. I guess someone had turned off the mike because my words came out just above a whisper. A flick of a black switch on the mike made all the difference. I took one more look at the crowd and pulled out five neatly folded pieces of paper out of my inner jacket pocket and began.
"I guess most of you know me and are probably wondering what the hell I'm doing here today? Well to tell you the truth I'm not sure myself only that I was asked by Reverend Thomas to say a few words today."
Two people in about the fourth row shook their heads, stood up and walked out as everyone watched.
"If there is anyone else who wants to leave please do it now so I can get through what I'm about to say without any further interruptions." I heard a few people say something under their breath but no one else left. I guess everyone, including my family, was wondering what I was going to say next. I'd thought about it since yesterday and even though I'd told Reverend Thomas I would, I had only written two sentences down at the bottom of the last piece of paper.
"I'd like to read a letter I received a couple of days ago and I'd appreciate it if you'd let me finish without any interruptions." I took out a pair of reading glasses and put them on. I didn't normally need them, but my eyes were tired and I didn't want to make any mistakes. Taking a deep breath I started.
Dear John,
If you're reading this, it means I finally got up enough courage to do what I should have done months earlier. I know you've heard me say it a thousand times before, but I'm so sorry. I know it doesn't excuse what I did; it's just that, that's about all I have left in me. If it was possible I'd go back and redo what I did and we could go back to being the happy couple we once were but that's never going to happen is it?
Do you remember our third date when I told you that I was going to be your wife and that you no longer had any say in the matter? You laughed, I laughed and you said that I guess we should start planning our wedding and a month later that's exactly what we did. God, I loved you. Every time I thought about you I would get that warm feeling deep inside and couldn't wait until I was back in your arms again.
When I said 'I do' that day I meant it heart and soul. We were going to be together until death us do part, I really believed that and I believe it even now.
Those first few years were better than I could ever have imagined. Besides being at work, I don't think we were ever out of arms reach from one another. We laughed when people told us to get a room or when they said we made them sick with our lovey dovey talk, but it wasn't an act, we loved each other just that much; well we did anyway.
When I told you I was pregnant I thought you were going to bust a gut. When you finally stopped kissing me and swinging me around we just looked at each other and knew what would come next. When we spent the next twelve hours in bed; I didn't think we could ever get any closer but I was wrong.
When Philip was born it was second happiest day of my life. He was so beautiful and we were the family I'd always dreamed about.
I guess to this day I don't really understand what happened. All I remember was Philip started to turn blue and I was screaming for someone to help me. I tried to follow them when the nurse took him away but they would let me. I screamed and yelled until someone finally gave me a shot of something. John, I didn't do anything wrong, you have to believe that. I was breast-feeding him one minute and the next he was turning blue. I don't remember much after that until I woke up and saw you next to my bed.
I guessed by the look on your face what had happened. God, you were brave. You tried to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and I guess I never thought how much you were hurting too. The only thing I could think about was my baby was gone. I cursed God, you and everyone else who tried to get close to me. I never meant to lash out at you, I just didn't know what to do; I was hurting so badly.
I was going to kill the next one who said that I could always have another; I didn't want another one, I wanted Philip. He wasn't a puppy or kitten where you could go to the store and replace him. He'd lived inside of me for nine months, he was my child and when he died a piece of me died. As I said John, I never even thought about what you must have been going through.
I guess I pounded in the first wedge in our relationship. Even though you were an angel I still lashed out at you repeatedly especially when you suggested that I should maybe talk to someone. I can remember swearing at you that night, telling you that I didn't need anyone to tell me Philip was dead, I all ready knew that.
When I went back to work everyone was nice but no one knew what to say. No one there had ever lost a child so they couldn't imagine what I was feeling. My boss Jim made sure I was always busy so at least I wouldn't have to dwell on what I was feeling all day at work. It seems after a couple of weeks everyone except Kathy and Beth stayed away from me. I heard what they called me under their breath and at first I felt bad but soon I no longer cared.
You saw it why didn't I? Maybe I did, but just didn't want to believe it. John, he was my boss for Christ's sakes; I never would have dreamed what he had in mind for me. We would talk. He would ask me how I was doing and I thought he was genuinely interested in how I was doing. Sometimes we talked for hours about what I was feeling and I never once realized he was slipping in another wedge in between us. When he said that you should have been more responsive to my needs I believed him. When I told him about lashing out at you, he said he fully understood and supported me unlike you.
When we started going out to lunch and you found out you were upset. I told you that there was nothing going on and that you had no reason to be jealous of Jim. I guess those two company dinners I didn't tell you about were only the tip of the iceberg. I considered Jim a close friend and you saw him for the predator he was.
He kept apologizing over and over again after he kissed me the first time. He just said he'd felt so close to me that it was almost a natural reaction. I told him not to worry about it and when I touched his arm he knew it was only a matter of time.
John, if I'd known what he was planning I would have quit my job in a heartbeat. I only thought of him as a good friend never as a lover. You were my only lover, but I guess I'd kind of pushed you aside even in that respect.
When you told me that it had been three months since we'd made love I called you a liar. I didn't know how long it had been but it couldn't have been that long. I'm sure I hurt you deeply when I yelled at you and said I needed more time to mourn my child before trying to make another one. I'm so sorry for those hurtful things I said to you. I didn't mean any of them. I think it was a combination of anger and frustration of not knowing what to do that made me say those things. I'm so sorry. As I said before I must have said those words a thousand times in the last few months.
I'm not sure who told you about the company dinner that night. I'd brought a change of clothes to work so I wouldn't have to come home and change. I don't know why I didn't let you know about it? You were invited I just felt like I needed a night away from you, even though we'd had too many of those already.
Jim made sure my glass was never empty and even though I could say it was the alcohol; it wasn't. We hadn't been together for a long time and when Jim danced with me I could feel him against my leg.
As God is my witness, I never knew he booked a room at the hotel. I was pretty drunk when we went upstairs. If I'd known you were downstairs looking for me I never would have even gone upstairs with him much less let him do what he did.
I suppose my good friends ratted me out and with the hotel manager in tow you walked into the room. I can't even imagine what went through your mind at that exact moment but the look in your eyes said it all. I wish now you would have at least screamed or yelled at me but I guess you were too surprised and hurt. You left before I could explain but what was there to explain.
When I finally got home every word you spoke to me was like a sharp rock hitting my flesh, laying it wide open as the blood gushed out. When you asked why all I could do was cry. You never said I told you so you just threw another handful of salt into each wound and watched me scream.
