Dear Dirty Diary

Dear Dirty Diary,

Giggles and whispers filtered through into my recurrent dream staring Johnston. His big black penis stood fire hose stiff as I tore the wrapper off the extra large condom I took out of my purse. As I rolled the slippery latex sheath down his extraordinary erection, I was delighted to find it fit perfectly right down to its base. I cranked his seatback lower, whipped my jeans and panties off, swung my left leg over and straddled him. I centered the head of his penis in my pussy, and then let my shaking knees relax. His big knob popped in somewhat uncomfortably, but that ever-thickening hot shaft seared through my vulva as I dropped further and further down upon him.

Muffled laughter shattered my concentration and Johnston evaporated instantly! As my eyes fluttered in the morning light, my ears tracked the source of the interruption down the stairs to Louise's apartment. I stretched and got up to pee, but as I scooted to the toilet, I swore I heard a small bell ring between my legs. When I wiped myself, I heard that tiny ring once more. I bent over double, looked down at my pubes and couldn't believe my eyes. A small round bell seemed to be tied to my clit ring by a cute little red satin bow. When I flicked it with my fingertip, it jiggled my clitoris madly around as it jingled. I tugged on the bow's strings but it refused to unravel.

My foggy brain tried its best to recollect how I got into this predicament. I remembered that last night Louise and Doug kept pouring me glass after glass of the champagne for toast after toast, to our first New Year's Eve in Quebec. I recollected them changing me into my nightgown and putting me to bed. I vaguely recalled Louise kissing me goodnight on my lips and doing something ticklish to my pussy, then nothing else, except for waking up. I searched back through my memories of the last few days but remembered nothing odd except for my computer! For the last week, Louise and Doug had been playing "Jeopardy" while I watched my soaps. When I shut off the TV, I'd hear their chatter. By the time nosy old me climbed up all the stairs to our loft, they'd have finished off their game. Yesterday however, my show wasn't on so I hurried upstairs to play with them.

I heard Louise gasp, "Oh my God!" and Doug snort as I rounded the last landing. I called out to them to set up a three-player game so we all could play as I climbed the last six steps. As I walked toward them, I saw Doug busily setting up the game, while a curiously blushing Louise pushed over a chair for me. I recalled noticing that MS Word was showing on my computer's task bar but didn't think to wonder why.

When we finished our game, Doug quickly shut down the computer and said to Louise, "So, what are we going to do about that damn cat's stalking?"

Louise replied, "I think putting a bell on her would teach her a lesson."

That recollection set off the bell of realization in my head! I realized that my husband and girlfriend were in together in this conspiracy! I got up from the toilet and paced around the attic from window to window to focus my emotions. The bell must have been heavier than Louise's locket for it jiggled and jingled constantly as I walked. Of course all that did was to divert all my attention away from my plotting directly back onto my clit. I pulled my nightgown's hem up tightly between my legs to stifle that infernal ringing. I figured tight panties would keep it under control until I could get the ribbons cut off, so I headed for my underwear drawer. As I pulled up my nightgown, I caught the reflection of the bow and bell dangling between my legs and it came to me exactly how to punish them. Instead of retaliating, I decided it would be much more effective teasing them.

Out of my drawer, I pulled my favorite beige half-slip and my lace-top nylons. I rolled up each stocking and then carefully stretched them up my legs. A tickle began just above my knees and shivered right up the inside of my thighs into the base of my clit as I smoothed up my nylons. I tugged the half-slip's elastic waistband up and over my breasts and then spun it around so the lacy split in its hem displayed my festively decorated pussy perfectly. I purposely left my hair messy to enhance my entrance. I put on my pink fur slippers; a pair of big hoop earrings and set off downstairs.

Clomping down the steps set all my tender bits into motion. My nipples stiffened when my heaving breasts rubbed them against the cool nylon slip and the jingling bell jerked my clit mercilessly every step of the way. By the time I got down to the hallway, I was aroused! Not just a little nipply, not just a little goose bumpy, I was all charged up and ready to shock!

Always the actress, I figured a disheveled appearance would enhance my entrance, so I pushed down one stocking a bit, pulled down my slip so part of one aureole was showing and messed up my hair a bit. I held my hand to my forehead and squinted in fake pain as I giggled into Louise's den. Before I even caught their eyes, I whined out that I had the worst hangover ever. I bitched to them that I was shivery, my knees felt wobbly and my ears rang whenever I walked. I kept my hand up over my brow so I could peek at them without their noticing. When I plopped my butt down hard on the arm of her sofa, the bell jingled, so I immediately groaned that my ears were ringing again. Doug's eyes just about popped out of his head and Louise blushed from head to toe. They shot looks back and forth to each other a couple of times. Doug shrugged to Louise, not knowing what to do next.

Louise composed herself, looked directly down at my pubes and said out as cool as a cucumber, "Oh look Laura, you seem to have caught something on yourself." She reached out to the bow and continued, "Here, let me get it off for you." Of course, the damned thing wouldn't come undone and every time she pulled at the bow, the bell jingled. When she said, "Doug, get me the scissors so I can snip this off," he just rolled his eyes and blushed. A horrified look swept across his face as Louise knelt down with the pointy little cuticle scissors. When she pulled the bow to get at the knot, she immediately remarked, "Say, you're pretty juicy for someone in such dire straights!"

As I dropped my hand away from my forehead, a grin spread across my face and I told them, "You two may think this was cute, but you're about to find out why it's not smart to fool with Laura, the Lion! With that, I pushed away her scissors, smoothed up my stockings and straightened up my slip. I stood up proud and tall and then sauntered out of the room. I purposely stomped upstairs so the bell would ring with each step.

Halfway up, I stopped and called back down, "Sleep with one eye open and watch your backs!"

By the time I jingled around the landing, they had raced up close behind me. I took it for granted they'd both be looking up under my slip, so I wiggled my hips up the last few steps to give them a good show of my jiggling bare bottom. I led them across our room like sheep to the slaughter.

I put my "Gypsy" flamenco CD on, sat Doug down in the recliner and Louise at the opposite end of the love seat. Like two bad children, they nervously awaited their scolding. Instead, I heated up and brought us all hot chocolate and cookies. I plopped down between them, purposely pulled up my legs and sat cross-legged to make them lust over their handiwork. Just to make sure I had their complete attention, I wiggled my butt to get settled. That, of course, made the little bell jingle. I felt like a keynote speaker bringing her audience to order. It seemed I had the floor, so I cleared my throat and went straight to the point. I told Doug that I was unhappy with him for showing Louise my private Diary and told Louise I was disappointed in her for using my private fantasies against me.

Doug immediately rose to their defense and pointed out, "I disagree entirely with your privacy issue. If the relationship between the three of us is to succeed, there must be no jealousy and no secrets!"

Louise nodded in agreement and added, "Let's face it, this whole situation revolves around our love for you, but in reading your diaries, we realize that it takes both of us to satisfy your needs. You are a sexual obsessive by your own admission, so we've joined in this alliance to feed your lust and keep you from harm.

I felt my face blush as Doug continued, "Louise and I have agreed that the best way to cope with our petty jealousies is to share you collectively as well as separately."

Louise took my hand, smiled earnestly at me and finished with, "Keep these hands typing and leave your thoughts and desires open to us in your Diary so we satisfy your every need."

When I looked over to my husband, he nodded in agreement, leaned over to me and kissed my cheek. I turned back to Louise just in time to feel her soft lips kiss my other cheek. Still feigning a pout, I pondered what was said for a moment then decided they probably were right.

I looked my husband's face up and down and then leaned over toward him. I swung my arm around his neck and planted a big juicy kiss on his lips. "Share and share alike," I thought as I finished our kiss and then leaned over to Louise. I gave her an equally soulful kiss to sign our pact as Doug watched on. When I was finishing that kiss, I peeked back over to my husband who was wearing a most unsettling expression of wonderment.

I released my embrace with her and had just started to give him another lush kiss, when I felt Louise's pearly teeth nibble on my earlobe. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw Doug watching what she was doing. When I broke off his kiss and gave her another kiss, I felt his lips suck my other earlobe. I peaked down and noticed a bulge in the old fart's pajama bottoms. My eyes flashed back to Louise and noticed definite nipple growth poking out her satin tunic. I thought a little more about this sharing thing they talked me into and realized they were prepared to share me right then and there!

I threw all caution to the wind, peeled down my slip's waistband and bared both of my breasts. I cupped my hand under and pushed up my left boob for Doug. He accepted my offering immediately, bent over it and sucked my nipple in between his lips. I lifted my right one up for Louise and she in turn, slurped in my other teat. It was a pleasant new experience, having both teats sucked simultaneously. Like nursing twins, I thought as I let them have their way with me. I bobbed my head back and forth, pecking sweet little kisses on the heads of my lovers.

I closed my eyes to concentrate on the subtle differences of their techniques. Surprisingly, the sensations I felt in each teat began to mimic each other's rhythm back and forth, sort of like that "Dueling Banjos" song from "Deliverance". The moment after I felt Louise's touch inside my right knee, I felt a similar caress from Doug, further up my left thigh. Then four trails of cool fingertips slid right up my left inner thigh, a split second after shivery long shivery fingernails tickled up my right nylon.

I turned my head to the right and my lips met Louise's. As her tongue split the lips of my mouth, her fingertips split the lips of my labia. Her tongue darted all around the inside of my mouth in passionate play while her finger pressed into my vulva. Seconds after her busy little finger made my pussy slurp, it was joined by a thicker, cooler finger from a different direction. The two fingers swam about in harmony, seemingly playing with each other as they played within me. She inserted a second finger, thickening the busy cluster. When Doug too, added a second fat finger to the melee, it felt like a nest of snakes writhing around inside my vagina.

I opened on eye to peek at Louise and swore I caught her making eye contact with Doug behind me. Her dark eyes glowed with devilry as I felt her fingers still their gyrations, hook deeper through my vulva and then pull. As if on some telepathic signal, they both began to draw apart my vulva. The rush of coolness I felt in my vagina told me they had me spread wide open. It felt good for a second, but the sharp sting of fingernails ruined the moment.

"Children!" I exclaimed: "That's not a wishbone down there for you two to make a wish on! If you want a tasty New Years turkey, you have to prepare it properly. You can start by helping this old bird over to that nice queen-size bed where I could be prepared more amicably."

With the three of comfortably reclining on the bed, I sat up, spread my arms back for support and continued, "My recipe calls for the bird, to have all packaging materials removed." Louise lifted up and pulled off my slip while Doug peeled down my stockings. "Salmonella poisoning is a real threat, so the bird must be thoroughly washed," I remarked and off to the shower I went.

The glass walls of our big neo-angle shower fogged up easily, so I kept the temperature a little on the cool side to ensure my chefs a good show, as I lathered up my breasts, belly, legs and pussy. Out of the shower, Doug toweled me dry while Louise blew my hair dry. "Since I'm not one of those butter-ball turkeys, you'll have to prepare me the old fashioned way," I quipped. I spread my bath sheet out in the middle of the bed, crawled over on it, stretched out face down and said, "Doug, you'll have to baste my backsides with olive oil while Louise prepares the stuffing."

Obediently, my husband spread oil over my shoulders and down my back.

Louise looked perplexed as she said, "Maybe Irish families have a different way of stuffing their fowl so I'm not quite sure how to wad the bread crumbs in."

I told her she needed something a lot stiffer than breadcrumbs to stuff this turkey with. To be more specific, I heard myself say: "We're four generations here in Canada now, but in me mother's kitchen, fresh carrots and celery stalks were used in the stuffin'. At me father-in-law's delicatessen, kielbasa sausage and peppers were used in the turkey stuffin'. In me cousin Shannon's kitchen in Londonderry Ireland, she told me that during the troubled times, some rebellious Catholic girls near her neighborhood used to pick up the rubber bullets shot off by the British troops, clean them off, lift up their skirts and stuff their pussies with them, right there and then for the soldiers to see! But in this multi- cultural Canadian society we have grown up with, it's my duty to respect all traditions. I'm sure me husband's quite capable of supplying the sausage so I'll leave it up to you to try out anything that might fit."

By the time me darlin' Dougie had me breasts, belly and pussy shinin' with olive oil, I heard Louise start up the stairs. The morning sun glowed golden on Doug's light auburn body hair. His baggy beige boxer shorts exaggerated his belly and love handles but his freckled arms and legs had dramatically slimmed down from all those cardio-rehab exercises. With his double chin and cheeks all tightened up, he was looking more like Colin Mocherie every day. His thin, shortly trimmed and faded red hair, made his head seem pointed and his ever-prominent sun-tanned nose appeared almost beak-like for an instant. As he waddled toward the bed it occurred to me that he resembled a great golden ostrich in the dust-sparkled sun.

In the same dreamy state of mind, my eyes watched Louise clomp her huge furry slippers up the last few steps. As she ambled toward us, I watched her pale-pink, puffy-sleeved, mini nightgown wave behind her. As she reached the foot of the bed she passed out of the sunlight and gave something to Doug as my eyes desperately adjusted to their shaded images. In doing that, I picked up the silhouette of two fan blades behind her in the kitchen, which appeared as mouse ears on both sides of her head I felt doubly blessed when Big Bird sat down on my right and Minnie Mouse on my left. In a squeaky voice that sounded exactly like Minnie Mouse she announced, "I have no celery and I have only frozen carrot slices. However, I do have this excellent rubber bullet you know quite well."

When he flopped down on his back, close beside me, I craned my head over toward him and saw that he was wearing the Devil's Dick penis enhancer. I ran my thumb across the ribs and exaggerated folds then immediately concluded that my Big Bird's rumpled foreskin had to be the most repulsive thing I'd ever seen and I had to have it! Big Bird slipped in under my left side, nudged my leg up in his usual fashion and poked his stiff hot penis into my pussy. As he began his usual thrusts, Minnie whipped off her nightgown crawled over to my right side and began to trace her fingertip all around my vulva. Using Big Bird's patented technique, she slipped her fingertip into me beside his penis then began slow circles around it, as well as pokes between each of his strokes while sucking my right nipple. After a few excruciating moments of that torture, she removed her finger, eased her lithe little right leg between Big Bird and I, planted her slippery tongue in my mouth then began to hump her pubic mound against mine.

Big Bird continued pumping but on one long stroke I felt his penis slip out. I guess the silly old fool didn't realize he wasn't in me anymore because of his lack of sensation through the padded sheath. He just kept pumping away like a little steam pink engine. I should have said something but my tongue was still playing touch tag with Minnie's, so I just let it ride. After a few more strokes I noticed Minnie's exhales through her nose were becoming labored, bordering on snorts, and were occurring at exactly the same frequency as Big Bird's thrusts! Suddenly I felt my girlfriend's tongue slurp out of my mouth then watched her stab it into my husband's mouth! Well didn't that make a full circle of things!

Then he grabbed the base of his dick and was taking turns poking into me on one stroke while he prodded against Louise on the next thrust! On his second last retraction I heard my pussy slurp shamelessly but on Doug's following thrust I heard Louise's grunt, followed by a more diminutive slurp. Oh poor Louise, he'd punched the Devil's Dick into her as well! I quietly took the Devil's plunges like a woman but Louise moaned like she hadn't savored the agony of a Great Gnarly ever before! Both of our pussies slurped with lust as he dredged our sap from one to another and back again!

Louise had thrust her slim hand between our pussies and her tiny fingertips were fingering both of our clits at the same time as Doug pounded into us!

Oh my! Oh my!! Oh my!!!.......

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In the year following the completion of that year's diary, Doug underwent triple bypass surgery, is fit as a fiddle and has taken on a physically challenging job to remain healthy.

Both of my children moved to Taiwan to teach English. So we three moved back into the condo after Louise sold her house in Quebec to Rija, who converted it into a private club.

Menopause pounced, leaving me way too hot flash prone to ever be sexually touched again by Doug's newly hot-blooded hands.

I amuse myself these days by sending personalized literary encores to appreciative readers who would care to contact me, promoting my multi-media CD version of "Dear Dirty Diary" and developing the "Adorable Laura Tender Comforts Pillow", a replica of my torso that Doug sculpted out of upholstery foam which fits unobtrusively into a pillow case.

But every once in a while, when I'm amongst my peers in this small town, I smirk to myself as I remember what a year that was. If they all knew my wicked little secret!