Dangerous

When I was 7 years old my mother kicked my father out of our home and our lives. Too much booze, too many loose women; mom understandably had enough. He knew he was wrong and so he didn't fight mom's decision. Just before he left he told me something that should have stuck with me, something I only remembered after my fuck up. He told me that you can do whatever you want in this world, just as long as you pay for it. Well I did what I wanted, I screwed Desmond like there was no tomorrow. I took my pleasure from him, used him to banish my frustrations and insecurities, and ultimately had myself a wonderful, magical night. Reality came with the morning, along with the sure knowledge that I would pay for my behavior, and the bill would be sky-high.

The alarm blared. 8:00am in bright red numbers greeted my sleep-encrusted eyes. For a moment I was disoriented.

Where am I,

I thought, trying to shake off the cobwebs from the night before. Then realization hit.

Oh Shit!

I sat up; heart racing, dislodging Desmond's powerful hand from my breast in the process. I had spent the entire night with him, never bothering to go home, never even bothering to call. I'd left my cell phone in my car like usual, preferring not to be disturbed while destroying my life with drink. The problem was that my car was still at the bar. Furthermore, I only had about an hour to wash up, get dressed and head off to work. "Wake up Des," I told my partner in sin while shaking his shoulder. "It's after eight, we gotta get to work."

"Call off," he said groggily. "I have the room for another day; we could laze around, have some more fun. I'm sure you have enough vacation time to blow off another couple of hours."

"No way! At this rate I'm going to be late. I don't have anything else to wear, I barely have time to shower, luckily I have some emergency make up in my purse so I won't look a total mess, but I got to get out of here. You can sit here and 'laze around' as you put it but I have work to do.

I headed off to the bathroom; he reached me as I placed my hand on the knob. He grabbed me around my midsection and kissed my neck while rubbing his naked body on my back. "Are you sure I can't persuade you to sleep in?" he said, voice oozing with seduction.

That voice, coupled with his slight gyrations, that chiseled, delectable body gliding across my backside, his morning wood standing at attention, all that should have been impossible for me to resist. It had never failed him before, not with me, not with any other woman he'd slept with. Nonplussed, I broke free of his grip, entered the bathroom and shut him on the outside. "No thank you," I said, not feeling a trace of the lust and longing I felt the night before. "We did quite enough last night." I had no time to think about Desmond, I was worried about what I'd say to my husband. Barring short business conferences, I'd never spent a night away from Steven since we'd been married. I was so focused on my impending confrontation with Steven that I hadn't noticed that Desmond wasn't taking the hint until I came out of the bathroom and saw him spread out in a pose straight out of a Chippendale's calendar.

"Will you please put your clothes on? I need you to drop me off at work," I told him while trying to hunt out last night's blouse.

"Are you serious? How could you think about work," he asked with a tone of sheer disbelief. "I'm laying here in all my glory, ready to give you pleasure like you've never known." He rose from the bed and walked toward me in that dangerous way he had. He backed me up against the wall without touching me. "We made such beautiful music last night and I'll be honest. I want more. I think if you're honest with yourself you'll see that you want more as well." He leaned in slowly for a kiss but at the last minute I turned away my face and pushed him to arm's length.

"Look. Desmond," I said in a tone that was as different as night and day from the previous evening. "I told you I'm married, that there is no future for us. I won't lie, last night was amazing. But I've had my fill; go back to your girlfriend or your harem or whatever you have going on. Whatever you think this was, it's over now. Besides, "I said, softening my tone just a bit. "You don't really love me. You dropped me like a hot rock as soon as your transfer to IT came in. You don't expect me to really believe you've been pining for me all this time. No, you wanted to get that notch on your belt. You got what you wanted, I have a lot of explaining to do to my husband, let's just leave it at that ok?"

For just a second, so quickly I'd have missed it if I wasn't staring directly at him, an ugly expression crossed his features. He wasn't taking rejection too well and I had the sense that he intended to have me regardless of my feelings on the matter. He tried to turn on the charm and touch me intimately but I was getting more disgusted by the minute. Still I tried to let reason win out. "Desmond, no, I don't want this. Don't make me hate you man, just stop, please." Heedless to my pleas, he just kept touching and getting closer. In no time his naked body was pressed against mine, pinning me to the wall, and he was laying kisses on my neck. I was starting to get pissed; I reached down as if I was succumbing to his seductive moves to grab his dick. Instead I grabbed his balls and squeezed as if I were trying to crush them into powder. "I said NO, asshole," I yelled in his face while he whimpered. He may have tried to say something but I was not in the mood to hear any of it. I believe that bastard would have tried to rape me. Lucky for me that chiseled body and dangerous aura was all for show. "Now, this is how it's going to go. You are going to hand me your car keys and take your SORRY ass in that bathroom while I put my clothes on. Then I'm going to walk out that door. And you better pray to God that I don't call the police and have your ass locked up. "

"Wha ... oooh shit that hurts! ... you gonna ...,"

"Whatever the fuck I want, you fucking RAPIST," I interrupted him. "Now, I am about to go to work. Have fun with your extra day in here. Try not to rape anyone. I don't want to see your face ever again. Nod if you understand you worthless piece of shit." He nodded. I let go so he could slink into the bathroom like a whipped cur, then I gathered his car keys and the rest of my clothes and got dressed in the lobby bathroom.

Once I thought I looked presentable enough to be seen in public I walked to the taxi stand, dropping his car keys down the sewer along the way.

------

I walked into the office building about 10 minutes late, shame and anger painted on my face that the best make up in the world couldn't hide. I should have just gone home, but I was still under the illusion that my professional life wasn't as much a mess as my personal life. I still had to MAKE AN EFFORT, for whatever the hell that was worth. I didn't want to notice anyone, talk to anyone, I just wanted to make it to my office with no incident so that I could bury myself in work and not have to think about my fucked up life. But karma had decided that for whatever reason, this would be the day when everything falls apart. Eva quietly slid next to me in the elevator, smiling. I'd never really seen her smile; the sight chilled me to the core. "Lover's spat?" she whispered in my ear. "That's so sad. The night certainly started off promising."

My heart rate spiked and alarm bells sounded in my head. "Excuse me?" I feigned ignorance, desperately trying to make the conversation seem normal, innocent, and insignificant.

"I believe you heard what I said. I can see the beads of sweat gleaming on your forehead. Of course I could speak a little more clearly, but I'm not sure you'd like it if I told tales out of school."

I took a quick glance around the confines of the elevator. Not exactly crowded, yet not empty either. I knew this would be remarked upon during the little fireside chats that had been springing up about me since my affair and I wanted to supply the rumor mill with as little material as possible. Of course Eva didn't give a shit. She enjoyed watching me squirm; she was practically humming.

It seemed to take a lifetime for those doors to open. All I could think about was getting out of there, away from everyone's prying eyes, away from the judgmental whispers I imagined were following me. I had to get away, escape. I struggled to remain patient, to seem unfazed by the sure knowledge that Eva was up to something. I'm not sure I was successful, but no one remarked on it as I exited on the first available floor. I had Eva follow me, dreading what she had to say but unable to stand not knowing.

We went to the ladies room for privacy. Totally my idea; I'm sure Eva would have been fine with speaking out in the middle of a board meeting. I made sure there were only the two of us in the room, even checking the stalls before daring to speak. When I determined the coast was clear, my speech came out in a rush. "Ok, spill it. What did you mean by that little offhand comment in the elevator? What do you know?"

"What do I know? Hmmm, let's see. I know you still had the hots for Desmond, though to be fair that isn't exactly a secret. The entire building knew you wanted a piece from the way you've been moping around here. I know that he wanted to have another go at what he described as prime platinum pussy; I'm guessing he was pleasantly surprised by the note I left in his cubicle saying that you wanted to meet him at O'Malley's. What else what else what else? Oh yeah, I know just from observation that once you get into it, you don't give a fuck about who's watching."

"You set me up?" I asked in total shock, eyes widened in fear and disbelief. She just smiled and nodded like the cat that ate the canary. I saw a mischievous glint in her eyes that told me the worst was yet to come. There was something she left out, something deadly important. And then I knew. "You SAW me?" Another nod. Another smile. "Oh my God, you told my husband, didn't you!?"

"Oh please," she dismissed that last claim with a wave of the hand, smile still in place. "Poor, Steven, his wife really doesn't pay any attention to him. Woman, I told him about your affair WEEKS ago. For some reason he trusted you though, said that he needed proof."

It took a second for the last comment to sink in, for me to put two and two together. When realization hit, I lost all strength in my legs, sinking to the bathroom floor. "He saw it. Steven saw it all," I said in a barely audible whisper.

"Well of course he did. I felt I had a responsibility to show him the type of woman he married, a reprehensible, irrepressible slut."

Tears sprang unbidden to my downcast eyes. "It was none of your business," I said, voice weary with bitterness and defeat. "You had no RIGHT. How could you do this to me?? I mean you were doing well in Accounting. You were even being considered for department head. To do this, to murder my marriage because of some tiff we had nearly two months ago, that is just so remarkably petty..."

She lost that maddenly cheery smile in an instant. Her tone became diamond-hard as she interrupted me. "Petty? You threaten my career, my livelihood, you move me to a department where I have no connections and you call me petty? Let's not act as though the move was in my best interest; you were trying to get rid of a problem. It looks like that's working

really

well for you. No, bitch. If it weren't for my hard work and determination and yes, my anger, I would have died on the vine and you wouldn't have lifted a finger. I never forget the people who wrong me. Nobody fucks with Evaline Matthews. Nobody."

__________

I sat on that bathroom floor crying harder than I ever had before. Eva watched me for a while, taking some perverse pleasure from my misery before finally leaving me. Maybe if I could have fought her claims, shifted my focus I would have been able to handle it better. But she battered me with the truth; I had no defense. My soul laid bare in a 5

th

floor bathroom, it felt like forever before I could pull myself together enough to drag myself to my office. I cried until I had no tears left. Bad enough my husband knew of my scandalous activities, having him witness them was infinitely worse. What in the world could I say to make this right?

Cried out, I eventually made a haphazard attempt at fixing my makeup before making the journey to my office. I knew I looked a mess, I knew that everyone knew I'd had a breakdown, yet the rules of office etiquette kept people from mentioning it.

Of course the boss wasn't crying in the bathroom for a half-hour like her best friend died. Whatever gave you THAT idea?

I suffered my walk of shame in silence for which I was grateful. I was about to walk into my office when James, my assistant, got my attention. He was clearly uncomfortable but still tried to project a sense of normalcy. "Boss, you have a message on your voicemail. It's from your husband."

"Thank you, James," I said calmly, though butterflies of molten lead were forming rapidly in my stomach. "I'll listen to it after I check my emails." I walked in, closed the door and leaned on it. The phone looked like a poisonous snake to my grief-stricken eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was listen to that message, hear the anger and disappointment in Steven's voice, but I had to. I simply had to. I wouldn't have been able to focus on anything else otherwise. I walked to the phone like the condemned walking to the noose, secretly wishing the earth would swallow me before I could reach it.

The walk across the room was both longer and shorter than I'd hoped it'd be. A journey of six steps took a half century and was over in an eye blink. I deliberately picked up the receiver and held it to my ear as I pressed the message button.

Hey hun,

the message said.

The bed was a little cold last night. In the future, if you're going to be out all night at least give me a call. Anyway, I picked up the car from the bar already, just come straight home after work. We have a couple things to discuss.

That was all. No hint of anger, name-calling or threats of divorce. I listened to that message three more times, trying to glean some hidden meaning from it. Nothing. I tried his cell and the house. Maybe I missed something. He didn't answer either one. I was expecting fire and damnation, I got a bland message with a mild scolding for being out all night without a phone call. Maybe that should have eased my mind, maybe Eva was just fucking with me. There was no doubt she saw me, she knew too much. Maybe she didn't tell him after all, maybe he didn't see. Or could it be that he just didn't care, that he'd already moved on? I didn't know, and that uncertainty made me more nervous. My concentration was in shards; I never even turned on my workstation for thinking about the possibilities.

I began to pace. The room suddenly felt too small; I was feeling claustrophobic. My thoughts were running in circles, the tension and stress were nearly unbearable. I had to get out but I couldn't just leave. I had to know what he felt, what he knew. In short, I was freaking the fuck out, and I wanted a drink. I had to calm down, make sense of my scrambled emotions before they overwhelmed me. There was a bottle of bourbon and one cigarette in the bottom drawer of my file cabinet. The bourbon was left by my predecessor and the cigarette was my emergency smoke from when I quit a year ago. I poured myself a shot. Another. Then I mixed a drink and lit my cigarette right in my office.

The mixture of nicotine and alcohol served its purpose, letting me calm down, keeping my emotions from spiraling out of control. I was still distraught, but I was better able to deal with it. As I sat there letting the concoction do its work, I thought long and hard about how I got to this point. I had to ask myself some hard questions, face this situation head on. No more of the avoidance game I'd been playing with myself these past couple months. I obviously loved Steven, I wouldn't have been so broken up about the prospect of him discovering my infidelity if I didn't. So why did I cheat? Why Desmond? He had given me the eye but it wasn't as though I'd never been hit on. Five years ago, that little mysterious act he put on would have rolled off me like water off a duck's back. Now all of a sudden he's dangerous?

Had the passion, the spark in my marriage, did it die? Was that it? Was my marriage even worth saving? I didn't know, couldn't know the answers to these questions, not without Steven's input. I knew I wanted to continue being married despite the issues, but the ball was in his court. And he couldn't possibly make an informed decision unless he knew all the facts. I decided that I'd finally tell him about what I'd done, and that I would do anything in my power to atone for my wrongs if he forgave me. I owed him fidelity and failed; at least I'd give him honesty. No matter what, I'd abide by his decision to stay or go. Whatever happened, things would have to change in our household. The emotional shocks I'd experienced in the past 24 hours, the crushing guilt and self-loathing, the lost confidence and competence, I was determined to never feel that way again. And if he decided to leave me, at least I'd have closure.

__________

The cab pulled up to the curb at around 4:40; I left the building a different woman than the one I was coming in. I was calm, resolute. The endgame was approaching. I had a long road ahead, some hard work was definitely in my future, but at least I'd know what path I'd be taking instead of fumbling in the dark. I lit a cigarette in the back seat of the ride, the familiar buzz comforting me while I prepared myself for the confrontation that would define the rest of my life. I ran through every scenario in my mind's eye, steeling myself for the pain to come. By the time the cab parked in front of my house, I felt I was ready for anything.

It's GO time,

I thought as I exited the vehicle, purse in hand.

Let's get this over with.

I put my key in the lock at exactly 5 o'clock and opened the door without hesitation. It was incredibly difficult not to drag my feet, not to avoid this confrontation. But I was done with being a coward. "Honey, I'm home," I said, proud that I'd managed to keep my voice from trembling.

"Come on up," said Steven. "I'm in the bedroom." There was something odd about his voice, something familiar but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. Well, my conscious mind couldn't figure it out; my body knew exactly what was strange about that voice and responded accordingly. My heart quickened, goosebumps rose on my arms, my nipples slowly hardened and I felt a distinct wetness in my loins. Once I noticed the signs of my rising arousal the realization came; Steven was using his bedroom voice to beckon me upstairs. I smiled as I made my way to him. It had been too long since that voice had any effect on me and I welcomed a possible return to intimacy, thinking that it couldn't hurt my cause if we fooled around some.

I opened the door. The sight that greeted me made the smile die on my lips immediately. Steven was standing at the foot of our marital bed, stark naked, and he was not alone. Some woman was on her knees in front of him, a collar around her throat and her hands tied with a silver leash behind her back. "Surprise!" he said as he fucked the girl's mouth, one fist tangled in her luxurious raven-black hair. "Have a seat."

"Really? Is this some kind of a sick joke?" I yelled through tears. "I know what I did was wrong but this?! This is so fucking uncalled for. I hope you and that slut have a nice life. I'm leaving!"