Cul De Sac

My wife, Mary and I are rock solid.

I don't need to worry about her cheating, and god knows, I never would.

It's not just bluster. I, much to my own personal disgust, in my first marriage, had cheated. That's not why the marriage ended. I don't think she ever knew. She never confronted me. I sure as hell never told her about my affair. I might not be all that bright, but I certainly wasn't that stupid. And while it is no excuse, our marriage was on life support at the time. It eventually ended after years of slow decline, it was like watching a cancer victim descend into a living hell before finally succumbing.

No, I wasn't a good husband first time around. That's on me. This is my second marriage and I had started this one off on the right foot. No lies, ever, about anything. I'm my current wife's fourth husband. She had learned from her past as well. We were both in this for the long haul.

We live in suburbia. Picket fences, kids and dogs. It's a nice neighborhood. My next door neighbor, Frank and I were pretty tight. We would meet in his garage and drink martinis.

Sandy, his wife, was pretty. Not stunning, but definitely pretty. They were the only couple in the cul de sac that didn't have kids. My kids from my first marriage were just out of the house. Everyone else had younger kids.

It was just middle America. We had neighborhood parties, we would close down the street and the mutts and the kids would run wild; while we, the responsible adults, partied like rock stars.

The first time, as far as I can figure, was New Years Eve. Frank and I had been slamming martinis since about 7 that night. I was feeling no pain. Then, out of the blue the martinis hit me, hard. I was only on my fourth or sixth one. It was around 10, a couple of hours left to midnight and I'm going down.

I staggered out of Frank's garage. I stumbled around and around the cul de sac. Damned thing is a circle and I kept staggering past my house, so around the cul de sac I would go, again. Kinda like NASCAR.

Finally, after walking into Sam and Sally's house and Rob and Traci's house, Sandy took pity on me and grabbed my arm and steered me home. It's all kind of fuzzy, but I kinda remember her pushing me down on my couch.

"Damn Bob, you are stinking drunk. You are going to be hung in the morning..." Sandy giggled and added, "But from what I hear from from Mary, you are pretty well hung even when you haven't been drinking." Then, I think, I kinda remember, her maybe, grabbed my cock through my pants.

Then I passed out.

I guess it had to be right around midnight when Mary rousted me from my drunken slumber. "Get up silly, it's midnight and I want that New Years kiss you promised me."

She tugged and pulled on me until, with a groan, I rallied to get up off the couch.

"Ugh, Mary, I am still drunk enough (my eyes aren't focusing too well, just sayin) to not feel all that bad, but I know I am gonna be regretting all of Frank's martinis."

I stood unsteadily, and my pants fell off me, crumpling around my feet.

Mary gave me a hell of a look. I reached for her, she was a bit tentative. Maybe it was that I smelled like a distillery, or maybe it was because my pants were on the floor.

We had our New Year's kiss. She was hot and going for it. She was massaging my cock, it was getting hard, but I was a mess. Finally she sighed, gave me a peck on the cheek, helped me to bed, when my head hit the pillow, I was gone.

The next morning I was nursing some black coffee and my hang over when Mary let me have it. I was a drunken fool, I deserved everything she dished out. I agreed with her. I hate losing control. I did enough stupid shit over the years, and booze always seemed to be involved. I promised her, I would pay attention to my drinking.

Then she wanted to know why my pants had fallen off. Honestly, I didn't have a clue, and I told her so.

"Well you were stupid drunk. Who knows what was going on with you." She gave me an exasperated look that said, you are one dumb guy. Not much I could say, I agreed with her.

*********

It was the 4th of July. The serious start of the cul de sac "summer party" season. The street was festooned in red, white and blue. Sam had hauled his super duper you-can-grill-a-whole-cow-on-it barbeque to the street. He was cooking hot dogs and burgers for the kids. The gals in the neighborhood had set up some tables with more food. There was a keg in Frank's garage.

It was a grand afternoon. Around 9 the long dusk started. The kids were excited, a group of the Dads had gone up to the Indian Reservation and scored some serious fireworks. I missed the fireworks. I was puking into Sandy's rose bushes. Then I fell into Sandy's rose bushes. It was a good thing I was drunk, otherwise all the thorns that tore me up would have really hurt. I decided that nap time was upon me.

I guess that Sandy found me under the rose bushes, bleeding. She got me up, helped me to stagger home. I kinda remember Sandy pushing me down on the couch. Then I'm gone.

I wake up to my wife beating me about the head and neck with a rolled up Newspaper. "God Damn it Bob! Your drinking is out of control!" She yelled at me.

"Did you piss in the house!??!"

"What? Ouch, ouch, stop it god damn it! Ouch! Why do you think I would piss in the house?" I said to the rolled up newspaper that was smacking my head and face.

"Look!" She pointed to my pants and my boxers around my ankles.

"Pathetic!" She throws up her hands and stomps out of the living room.

********

Halloween is always a blast in the Cul de sac. Lots of kids, lots of candy. Lots of rum.

Everyone's house is decorated. This year the adults are all dressed up. Mary is wearing a naughty Snow White outfit. Me, I am a pirate. Rob is a scare crow and Traci was Dorothy, she had ruby red shoes and a stuffed puppy in a basket. Frank was a spaceman, ahh, Frank was wearing a spaceman suit.

"Hey Captain Kirk, how you doing?" I asked Frank.

He took a monster hit off the joint he was holding. I took a hit from it then took a swig of rum from my bottle.

"Not bad Capt'n Morgan!" he said, then he coughed up a lung.

The kids were moving from house to house gathering up a lifetime supply of processed of sugar. Their parents moved from house to house having drink after drink. I was chasing Snow White yelling I wanted to take a bite of her apple.

All in all grand fun.

I was feeling no pain, when I chased Snow White into Frank's house, she was giggling. I caught her, grabbed her tits and pulled her close, only to realize it wasn't MY Snow White, it wasn't Mary, it was Sandy! They both were Snow White this year!

I realized my mistake, backed away from her apologizing, apologizing and apologizing. She just laughed grabbed my now seriously depleted bottle of rum, and took a swig.

"It's ok Capt'n, you can chase me any time. Who knows, you might even catch me!" She giggled some more.

I know the way to cheating starts with putting yourself in situations where cheating is possible, hell if the situation is right, it is most likely to occur. This was one of those situations. I was drunk, she was drunk...so, my many years of experience taught me that the only thing I could do was run away, which I did. I love Mary so much, I was NOT going to screw up a marriage again.

I stumbled out of Frank and Sandy's place, there in the middle of the cul de sac was MY Snow White. I waved at her and staggered out into the cul de sac. She grabbed my bottle of rum and chugged the last of it.

"Hey Sailor, you looking for a good time?" She said.

We partied on.

I don't remember a lot more of the night, but apparently when my Snow White came down from our bedroom the next morning, she found me with my pirate's pants and boxers on the floor, with another almost empty bottle of Capt. Morgan's rum and me passed out on our couch, she lost it.

She screamed at me, threw things at me (3 dishes, 6 cups, 1 carving knife). I had a raging, pounding, reality altering headache. My mouth felt like the entire 4th army had tramped through wearing muddy boots. My tummy was flipping around. I rushed to the kitchen sink and blew chips.

"That's it!" She screamed. "It's bad enough that every holiday you get drunk and ruined, and now!" Her eyes were red and blood shot, mostly from crying. "Now, you are fucking around on me!" She looked like she was going to explode.

"Mary, I never, never have fucked around on you. That's the truth. We talked about this, I never NEVER WOULD I CHEAT ON YOU! Why would you think I cheated on you?" I said, with panic in my voice.

"I don't know, maybe the lipstick all around your dick...ASSHOLE!!"

"What!??!" I looked down, there was a ring of fire engine red lipstick circling the base of my cock. "What the fuck?" I was confused.

"You, it's yours from the blow job..." my voice petered out when I saw the look in her eyes.

"Well, that ain't my lipstick bucko!" She said sending a can of Campbell's soup flying at my head. I was so out of it, I didn't duck. SMACK, it beaned me just above my eye.

I had to look a mess. Me hung, my dick hangin out decorated with the ring of fire engine red lipstick, no pants, blood running down my face, my blood shot eyes, my pasty pale grayish skin...

She stomped out of the room. I found the floor, where I sat for the next hour. She was screaming the entire time, right up to and including when she had her suitcase in hand and marched out our front door. After the door slammed I could still hear her screaming at me. That lasted until I heard the car door slam. As she drove out of the cul de sac, I found my last bottle of Capt. Morgan. Hair of the dog, you know.

Mary -

I was pissed. No, that's not right, I was mad, Krakatoa mad. BOOM! That ASSHOLE. I fumed as I pulled away from the house. I just wanted to get away from him. How could he? If there was one thing that was bedrock to us was no lies. I don't do lies.

For me, the truth, no matter what, was the easiest and best way to go. I'm a truthful person by nature. I don't lie, and as a consequence, I don't think other people lie. I know that's not true, but it is the way I'm wired. That fire engine red ring said it all.

"That son of bitch!" I screamed to my self, tears streaming down my face as I drove out of the cul de sac.

I drove around aimlessly for a few hours before ending up at my sister's. I just sat in the car. I was numb, I was furious, I was heart broken, I was ashamed, I was going to kill that cheating ass lying husband of mine. I was going to rip his balls off and feed them to him! Then I dissolved into tears and racking sobs. None of this makes any sense, him and his god damned booze.

The next day neither Mary nor Bob did much. Bob sobered up and Mary got drunk.

They met up the next day. They met up at a little coffee shop. Mary had green tea, Bob, black coffee.

Bob spoke first.

"Mary, I love you. You, our marriage means everything to me. I know it looks bad, and I honestly don't have a clue what happened. The only blow job I got that night was from you, out in the side yard."

Bob took a breath and then continued, "Unrelated to all of this, I clearly have a problem with drinking." He hung his head, "Mary, Sweety, I'm so very, very sorry."

"Well Bob, I need to know everything. Who is she, what the hell is going on. Then, maybe we can talk. As for your drinking, it ends or I am gone."

Bob nodded his head in agreement.

They drove home, Bob moved into the guest room and Mary became a detective.

Mary went to everyone on the cul de sac, wanting to see their pictures of Halloween. Obviously, there were ten thousand pictures of kids in costumes. But Mary was diligent. She struck pay dirt on several phones and got pictures of all the wives.

She found four women who's lipstick were or looked to be fire engine red on Halloween. Sandy, the other sexy Snow White; Tan, who came as a high end Asian hooker; Sally was Dorothy in her red shoes and matching lips and Traci, a Devil girl, all in red, with horns and a tail.

She printed out the photos and thought about each of the wives.

Bob started to attended counseling, for three reasons; first, he better do something or Mary would kill him, then divorce him and then kill him again, slowly; second, Bob was actually concerned and troubled by his behavior and third, well it wasn't AA.

*********

Christmas on the cul de sac was a time of joy and almost friendly competition over holiday decorations. Sam went big. He had a 12 foot blow up Santa, Frank answered with laser lights painting his house with technicolored snowflakes that drifted down the house and on to the lawn. Bob went traditional, with his 35 100 ft strands of Christmas lights. Randy's house had a snow maker, making his house a winter wonderland.

All in all the cul de sac was definitely making a Christmas statement. The day after Christmas the cul de sac had it's annual after Christmas party. It started around 4, after everyone got back from doing the gift return/exchange dance over at the local mall.

There were left overs from Christmas dinners, it was alway heavy on egg nog. This year, Bob was a very good boy. He skipped the hot buttered rum, wouldn't go near the egg nog. All in all Mary was pleased. It helped that Bob hated egg nog and was coming down with a vicious cold.

The day after the day after Christmas party was unique for Bob and Mary. He wasn't hung and she wasn't pissed at him. All very good things, they decided.

The day after that Bob was suffering. The vicious cold had taken hold on Bob. He ached and pained. He did surface of the sun hot and arctic night cold. He was treating his symptoms by chugging bottles of Nyquil which really didn't do much, except make him loopy.

Bob could have sworn that Mary came home at lunchtime, checked on him, given him a blow job, fluffed his pillows and kissed him on his forehead and headed back to work. He drifted off to sleep sniffling thinking how great a wife Mary was.

When Mary got home from work at dinner time, she checked on him. He was so sick, the poor boy, so she had slipped out of her clothes and slid under the covers to give him a "feel better, sweetheart" blow job.

She thought his cock tasted a bit off, but she chocked it up to Bob's cold, or perhaps his cold medicine. It took her a bit longer than usual to get Bob off, which she figured were also the results of Bob's cold or his cold medicine.

That was until Bob shifted and said, "Thank you Sweety, that was even better than your lunchtime blowjob." Bob mumbled some more incoherent things and drifted back into a Nyquil induced semi coma.

Mary froze under the covers...

She threw off the sheets and looked at Bob's cock, there was a little bit of a Holiday red lipstick all around the base of Bob's cock.

She exploded, "What the fuck, Bob?"

Bob, still semi comatose, didn't respond.

*************

Mary is a very smart woman, and while she was ultra pissed at Bob, she knew that as sick as Bob was, there was no way Bob dragged some floozy off the street. That meant either Bob was involved in a long term affair or...

If it was a long term affair, some slut was coming into her house to screw around with her husband. Considering the condition of her husband today, he wouldn't have been able to get up, go downstairs and let her in. So, if that was the case, she would have needed a key to get in. That means, Bob had to have given her a key.

Now Mary was beyond pissed. Think Hiroshima pissed, toss in some North Korea and shake kind of pissed.

She called a friend who worked for the police. He had the name of a detective. Mary called and set up a meeting at 8 am the next morning. Mary cleaned out the trash can, which was filled with used Kleenex, picked up the empty bottles of Nyquil and then stomped to bed in their/her bedroom.

Max Popcorn -

My secretary, Sindy, showed her into my office. She sat in the left faded grey leather chair across my desk from me. She was a pretty dame, who also looked pretty disturbed. Her ample bazungas strained the fabric of her blouse giving me a peak at her excellent cleavage. She introduced herself as Mary, just Mary, thank you.

Her eyes were sad and yet angry. I had seen these women a hundred times before. They thought, maybe, please god no, they were being cheated on by their scumball husbands, uncles, brothers, boyfriends, girlfriends, long lost cousins, gold diggers and other low lives of the relationship universe.

As I said, I had seen it all before. You don't get to be soft in my job. Hard bitten, rough around the edges, laser focused. That's what these clients want. And, they want answers. Preferably with, pictures, videos, e-mails, texts, phone messages, taped phone calls, travel documents, receipts and if possible, signed in blood confessions, notarized would be nice, thank you very much.

Just Mary brought me up to date. Drunk husband, mysterious blow jobs, memory lapses, impossible situations. Yep, pretty predictable. I nodded, looking tough, grim and apparently taking detailed notes (mostly it was doodles).

"Ok Just Mary, $2,500 and I'm on the case."

She returned to my office at 10:30, handed me an envelope with $2,500 in it, I was on the case.

I did the basics. First I called Louie, had him get going on setting up bugs and cameras. Yea, I wanted them in all the usual locations car, man cave, master bedroom (don't need to worry about a guest room, if hubby was getting his rocks off in a bed, experience says it's never in the guest room) garage and all the shitters.

Then I reached out to Marvin to go after the scumbag's computer, phone and whatever was in the cloud (most of these clowns didn't understand that if they had it on their phone, then it's in the cloud, forever. Found some pretty incriminating pictures that way. Silly cheating fools).

Then I had Sindy get ready for operation honeypot. If we can't find the cheating bastard's slut, give him a new slut to chase. Most of those fools were predictable, once a cheater, always a cheater. Sindy was good, she could get the Pope to break his vows.

Me, I would tail the bum. Can't replace human intel. I got the drone ready and stowed in the back of my SUV (never can tell when the eyes in the sky would come in handy).

I told Just Mary that we would have answers in a week to 10 days. Once we had a few more facts we could decide our next steps. I also gave her a card for a divorce attorney. The attorney and I were part of a "lead group". We had 2 divorce attorneys, a personal injury lawyer, a criminal defense attorney, myself, a property manager, a sugardaddy.com account rep and two marriage counselors. Hey, work smarter, not harder!

Just Mary came by for my first report two weeks later.

"Just Mary, your scumbag husband is one tough cookie to crack. I can tell you that we can find nothing going on...right now. Sometimes, when the shit hits the fan, these creeps cool it for a little while. We can go one of two ways from here. First, we move to monitoring. We will keep an eye on things, but not be so involved. We will review the cameras weekly, for example."

"Second we can go on the offensive." I paused and hollered for Sindy to come in.

She opened the door and strolled in wearing her red, rip your eyes out of your scull, plunging neckline, enhanced boob enhancement, tight clingy, hug her hips, slit up to heaven dress. She is so hot, she could make a Fundamentalist Mormon turn monogamous.

"Well?" I asked Just Mary.

We decided on monitoring.

She slid an envelope with another $2,400, enough for four months of monitoring.

******

It was Easter, here in the cul de sac it was all about the Easter egg hunt. The night before Easter all the men would get together to hide eggs all around the cul de sac. In fact, the only rule was that no eggs could be hidden inside any of the houses.