Reflecting on what I have done, I need to tell someone, if only to help ease the guilt I feel.
I work in the offices of a large banking organisation, as did my husband until recently. We married 5 and a half years ago and we have a lovely 4-year-old daughter. We were planning on having a second child but put that on hold when job uncertainty began to kick in well over a year ago.
I expected my job to be at risk as I work 3 days a week so that I can spend some time with our daughter as well as still bring in some much needed money. We also hadn't kept our plans of adding to our family a secret and felt that management might use the possibility of imminent maternity leave to count against me.
In the end it was my husband James that was put on garden leave before finding a similar but lower paid job elsewhere. What made it worse was that he found out on my birthday, I had lots of cards saying "happy 30th birthday Karen" and he got a redundancy letter. The thought of being out of work at 33 took it's toll and I think even now he feels vulnerable as well as disappointed at having to take a pay cut.
For my part I became determined to make sure I wouldn't be on the next wave of redundancies by doing my best at work, and I also smartened my appearance to look more business like, wearing skirt suits and taking more of an interest in what's going on. I quite like my new hairstyle too, which is kind of a short bob, off the collar at the back and slightly longer at the side of my face. I wouldn't describe myself as glamorous but I'm not overweight and have a good figure, in fact I'd describe myself as subtly shapely, at 5'3" with light brown hair and hazel green eyes. Despite having a child my 36d boobs are still a good shape too.
I felt lucky that I was one of the few that kept a job in the department I worked in, as it merged with the new business and about half the people lost their jobs. The new boss seemed nicer than the old one though despite seeming more focused on work, work, work and the new team seemed to get along ok despite being split over a number of locations.
Our boss seemed to share his time between two main sites and as my desk was near his I felt that I had to make a good impression especially as he would not see me on 1 of the 2 or 3 days he chose to spend there. He seemed to take an interest on what I did on my days off and this helped me believe I wasn't at a disadvantage to those who worked full time.
As time went on he would sometimes ask my opinion on things and I wondered if he rated me more than my grade reflected. I tended to do most of my work in the office whereas the full timers sometimes got out to meet clients. On one occasion, Chris asked if I would accompany him to a client visit and I thought I couldn't really refuse. Again I think he was impressed with how I conducted myself and I'm sure I was professionally dressed.
My husband sometimes teased that I had kept my job because of my looks, but I would say I was only a normal girl, not a model-like one. I had noticed the occasional glance from men in meetings, both in our company and external, that I think some men cant help themselves doing, but I was pretty sure Chris, who was 43 and a husband and dad, hadn't looked at me in an unprofessional way.
Apart from one occasion when I partnered up with someone else, I was finding that my out of office jaunts were with Chris, who also accompanied others so it wasn't all me. He began to confide in me and we sometimes discussed colleagues, with me mainly trying to say nice things about the vast majority of them and Chris almost expertly identifying their good points as well as not so good points.
As we were all on a similar grade, Chris didn't have a second in command, but I found that I was getting given any local tasks that he wanted doing when he wasn't around. The others seemed to accept that as recognition of them being too busy and I was only part-time, yet I became aware that I was doing a similar amount of work as well as these extra tasks.
On one client trip we passed a childhood haunt of Chris's and he asked if I minded stopping. We parked up and walked through a massive park, with him telling me about his boyhood adventures when everything around us seemed a lot bigger. We sat on a bench and surveyed the scenery and I caught Chris flashing a glance at my knees. I had my favourite suit on, a dark navy jacket and skirt with a very faint pinstripe. The skirt was almost knee length although obviously hiked up a little when seated. The modest slit at the back of the skirt enabled it to be more comfortable when walking and sitting. I felt very smart and even thought I might be a little sexy looking.
Chris offered to get an ice cream from a mobile vendor nearby and I stayed at the seat. I don't know why I did it, but I placed my right hand against the side of my thigh and noticed my first 2 fingers could touch my stocking. I then crossed my leg and the movement of the skirt allowed 4 fingers to now make contact with my stocking. Allowing my knee to raise slightly more I could now feel the patterned stocking top. For some silly girlish childish reason I decided to sit like that until Chris came back. With my hands on my lap as Chris approached I smiled and took my ice cream. Chris sat next to me, but not as close as before and I soon found out why as I caught him taking a look at what must have been my stocking top and a larger proportion of stocking covered leg than he would have seen before. After a while, my senses came back to me and I uncrossed my legs although the skirt remained a little higher than I would have preferred.
Chris moved closer and began talking about ratings of people in the team. It was as though he wanted me to help force rank people, and I became a bit suspicious of this and wondered if more job losses were planned. Or was it simply to do with pay rises perhaps?
He focused on one person, and it was someone I couldn't really defend; yet I felt sorry for the person concerned and almost guilty that I wasn't defending him against unfavourable comments.
I tried to get an idea of where I stood in Chris's rankings of his team but he only smiled when I hinted that I'd like to know.
We got back to the car after Chris had laughed at me for mistakenly starting to walk to another car park, not realising there was more than one dotted around the outskirts of the park. That explained why our car was the only one there yet there were a few people in the park and surely all weren't local.
As we sat in the car Chris placed his left arm around my shoulders and said "in answer to your earlier question you're probably the best of all of them". I couldn't quite believe I was regarded as actually the best and laughed. He then went on to explain why he thought I was the best – helpful, good at my job, get things done, good with clients, professional looking, adaptable, hard working. I felt glad that my efforts hadn't gone unnoticed and that I'd got through as much work in 3 days as some people get through in 5 and I began to feel very pleased with myself, forgetting the arm that rested around me.
"In fact there might be some new roles created within the team and I think you should watch out for them as I think you deserve one," Chris confided in me.
"B-but wouldn't it go against me that I only work part-time," I asked, still feeling a little flattered.
"No, because I know I could put a case for you sufficiently leading the team in the three days that you're here, if you worked five days a week you'd probably be inline for a higher job than the ones coming up anyway in my opinion," Chris replied.
I knew it wasn't a certainty, yet I smiled as though I'd won a good prize.
Chris smiled back and added "I personally think you and I get on well as good team leaders so we need another person to join us for the other main location as the new management team in my opinion."
I could hardly believe what I was hearing, a promotion would greatly help my home environment and give me more confidence that I wouldn't be thrown out when the expected next round of job cuts came up. It would also help address our current drop in home income.
At that point Chris smiled and kissed me. I was shocked at this but as we sat looking at each other he did it again. I didn't know what to do, or say, it was as though I was frozen with only my mind still in some kind of working order. Chris kissed me again and I realised I was kissing him back. Trying to buy time to think what to do as we kissed.
Chris's hand rested on my left knee, the skirt already at least a hands-width higher than my knee. I gasped as he kissed me again and pushed his hand up my leg, moving the skirt higher as he did.
