Cousin Jimmy

Chapter 1

I came home from a hard day's work on the construction site, wanting nothing more than to sink into my Lazy Boy, fire up Thursday Night Football, and drink a six-pack of Lonestar, but that wasn't going to happen. It seems my wife of ten years, Agnes, had other plans.

She wanted to talk.

"You remember my Aunt Martha, who lives in Arkansas?" she asked, standing between my chair and the big screen.

"Not, really," I answered as I cracked open beer #1. "Can you move?"

She stayed there, firmly affixed to the floor and obstructing my view. Fortunately, it was just commercials.

"Sure, you remember her," Agnes insisted. "She married that Doctor in Little Rock. I think you met her at the family reunion a couple of years ago."

"I don't remember," I continued. Against my better judgment, I then asked, "What about her?"

Agnes smiled. She was happy I was engaging in the conversation. By my estimate, we had about seven and a half minutes before the game started, so I wanted to get this talking nonsense over with quickly.

"Well, her boy, Jimmy," she began, "you remember little Jimmy?"

I glanced at my watch and tried to look around Agnes' wide hips at the TV. "No," I said as I drained what remained of the first beer and cracked open beer #2.

"Well, Jimmy got accepted to the University of North Texas, and," she started, but I interrupted her.

"Who doesn't?" I asked sarcastically.

"What?"

"Who doesn't get accepted to the University of North Texas?" I asked, completing the question. "It ain't like it's a real college."

"That's not true, Bill. You know I graduated from UNT. Why would you say that?" Agnes seemed sincerely offended by my remark. Yeah, I knew she graduated from UNT, and look what her degree has done for her. Jack shit. She taught history at the local Freshman center and had not had any serious pay raise in years.

"Sorry, keep going," I told her, growing impatient. Five minutes to go.

"Well, they are having a hard time coming up with enough money to pay for it all, and," I cut her off again.

"I thought he was a Doctor," I said.

"Who?"

"Aunt Martha's husband. You said she married a doctor. Why would they have a hard time paying for UNT? It's one step above community college."

"Maybe since they're out of state," Agnes suggested.

"Sorry, go on." Four minutes.

"Well, Aunt Martha figured since we live so close to Denton, maybe Jimmy could come and live with us. That way, they'd not have to pay room and board. We don't even use the upstairs, and" I cut her off for the third time.

"Yeah, ok, whatever," I quickly conceded. We had a four-bedroom house that I helped build on land owned by my father, right after getting out of the Army. My dad and I built it when Agnes and I got engaged. One day, he would give it to me, but we had never got around to doing it. So far, Agnes and I hadn't had any kids, but we were talking about trying to soon.

Agnes was right; the whole upstairs went unused.

"You mean it's ok?" Agnes asked, surprised I'd given in so quickly. The truth was, I didn't really care, but more importantly, we were down to two minutes before the game started.

"Yeah, whatever," I replied.

"Oh, good," Agnes said with a big smile. When she still stood there, I knew there must be more.

"What else?" I asked.

"I thought you might take more convincing, but I knew you would agree," Agnes said nervously.

"And?"

"And, well, I already told Aunt Martha it would be alright, and little Jimmy is already planning on moving in."

One minute.

"When?" I asked as I dropped the empty beer can into the trash can next to the coffee table and pulled the top on beer #3.

"He gets here on Saturday," Agnes said with a cringe.

"This Saturday?" I asked as the opening theme to the game started playing.

"Yes," Agnes admitted. I could tell she was afraid I would change my mind.

"Ok," I said, gesturing with my beer, "now, can you move out of the way?"

Agnes climbed on my lap and tried to kiss me. I struggled for a minute or two, then relented and let her do it, then sent her away with a swat on the ass.

Chapter 2

Agnes spent all day Friday and part of Saturday getting the guest bedroom all prepared for Jimmy's arrival. I guess our old stuff wasn't good enough for little Jimmy, so she bought a ton of things at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

By Saturday afternoon, Agnes was a nervous wreck. I wasn't sure why she was so worked up about it. I know I wasn't. Fortunately, Texas Tech won its game, and UT lost. I was a happy man. When the doorbell rang, Agness jumped up, exclaiming, "He's here! He's here!"

"Yay," I said, unenthusiastically, staying in my recliner, cradling another Lonestar.

Agnes ran out of the room. I could hear them at the door, and the two of them marching my way. When they entered the family room, to say I was shocked would be an understatement. "Little" Jimmy wasn't little at all. He had to be easily six foot three and well over two-twenty, maybe more. But, that was not the most surprising thing. "Little Jimmy" was black.

"Hello, Uncle Bill," he said with a deep baritone. "Thanks for letting me stay here."

I stared at the stranger as he stood there with his hand held out for quite a while before shaking it. "Uh, yeah," I replied.

"Well, I'm going to show Jimmy to his room," Agnes chimed in. I nodded, still dazed.

As they were leaving, I called out, "Agnes!"

She stepped back into the family room with an expectant look on her face. "Yes, honey?"

"Come right back, we need to talk," I replied. Agnes blushed and nodded her head.

"Ok," she said, I'll be right back."

I sat there waiting, trying to think back to any time I'd met either Jimmy, his mother or father, or any of Agnes' kin from Arkansas. I couldn't remember anything. Not once had I ever heard mention of an Aunt Martha. I had put it out of my mind Thursday night, but now that "little" Jimmy was here, I really put my thinking cap on.

About 10 minutes later, Agnes came back in the room, out of breath and grinning. "I got him settled. What was it you wanted to talk about?" she asked nervously.

"Who the fuck is that?" I asked angrily, pointing up.

"My cousin Jimmy, I told you," Agnes replied. "You said he could stay."

"No, I said some kid named Little Jimmy just starting college could stay, not some grown man. Who is he really?"

"He's Little Jimmy, my cousin."

"When did your cousin become black?" I asked defiantly. "I've not met any other of your black relatives."

"I don't have any other black relatives," Agnes acknowledged. "Jimmy is adopted, Bill. I told you about it years ago."

"No, you didn't."

"I'm sure I did."

"I'm sure you didn't."

"Well, Aunt Martha adopted Jimmy as a baby. Don't you go acting weird because he happens to be African American."

"How about I make him feel uncomfortable because he looks like he is almost thirty and plays for the Dallas Cowboys? I thought he was supposed to be a kid."

"He is," Agnes informed me. "He just turned nineteen last month. Jimmy had to go to a junior college last year and got accepted to UNT starting in January."

"January? Then why the Hell is he here now? It's October!" I was getting pissed. Things were not adding up, and I didn't like it one bit.

"He needs time to get used to the area and find a part-time job," Agnes explained. "He's family, Bill. We can't turn him away."

Just then, the big fella stepped back into the family room. "Hey, Agnes," he said, "Some friends of mine are inviting me out to dinner to welcome me to town. I don't have a car, do you mind taking me?"

"Oh, of course not," Agnes replied with a big grin on her face. "I don't mind at all." Then she turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go, too.

"No," was my only response. I watched as they walked out and heard them drive away. Thirty seconds later, I was up and heading to the guest room. When I got there, I looked around the room and went through his stuff. There were no books, school supplies, or anything to indicate that he was a student. I found a few receipts wadded up on the dresser. I unfolded them and was surprised to see they were for fast food and groceries at locations in Dallas, one from yesterday and the other from last week. That was weird for someone who supposedly just arrived.

I looked through the small amount of clothes he had brought and found a half-empty box of condoms, magnum size, of course. I finished up and was about to walk out of the room when a sudden bit of curiosity hit me, and I looked in the small trash can next to the dresser. Inside, I found an open condom wrapper and a used condom.

"Jesus," I thought. "Was he carrying a full condom around in his pocket all day?" Then I thought about another possibility. Agnes had been blushing and out of breath after showing Jimmy to his room. They'd been up there no more than ten minutes, so I didn't think that was the explanation for the used condom. I put it out of my head for the time being and went back to watching sports and drinking beer.

I guess I fell asleep in my chair. I woke up, and it was dark outside. I had a headache, a stiff neck, and an empty pit in my stomach where my dinner should have been busy digesting. I shuffled to the kitchen and turned on a light, noticing the clock said it was 9:45. What the fuck?

Where the Hell was my wife, and why had she not fixed me dinner?

I opened the fridge and pulled out a cold slice of pizza from a few nights back. I munched on it and popped open a Dr. Pepper. I sipped it and looked around the dark house. That's when I remembered about Jimmy.

"Agnes?" I called out as I wandered the house. I looked in our bedroom and then went up to the guest room. Nothing had changed, and nobody was home. I found my cell phone on the charger and called Agnes. I could hear my wife's phone chiming away, which was odd since she should have it with her. I looked for it and found it in our bedroom on the charger on her nightstand.

"Well, that's fucking great," I thought. "How am I supposed to reach her if she didn't take her damn phone?"

I ate a couple more slices of pizza and switched from Dr. Pepper to Lonestar. I waited another hour and was getting really pissed, so I did what I usually did in that condition. I got out my guns and started cleaning them. The ritual of disassembling and reassembling them calmed my nerves. It was something held over from my days in the Army.

I had just finished putting my Glock 19x back together when the front door opened and in walked my wife and her alleged cousin, laughing and joking. When they saw me, they both stopped dead in their tracks, a look of terror on their faces.

"Where the Hell have you been?" I demanded.

Agnes glanced at Jimmy, who was frozen, with his hands raised in the universal "don't shoot" gesture that apparently everybody except cops understood.

"We, uh, we took Jimmy to meet his friends for dinner," Agnes reminded me. "But, they insisted I stay and eat with them. After that, we had a few drinks, and we were having such a good time, I guess I forgot how late it was."

"You forgot my dinner," I said, letting her know I was pissed. I slid the Glock back in its holster and set it aside. Jimmy visibly relaxed.

"There was pizza in the fridge," Agnes explained.

"Yeah, I ate it."

"Oh, ok, so you didn't go hungry," Agnes replied.

Jimmy seemed to have recovered a bit and tapped my wife on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm gonna head to bed." I noticed he didn't speak to me. I ignored him, and he left the room.

"Well, I'm going to go take a shower and then get ready for bed," Agnes said. "You coming?"

"I'll be there in a bit," I told her. "I have a few things I need to take care of first."

When Agnes left, I locked my firearms back in the safe, except for the Glock, which I kept it with me.

Chapter 3

Sunday, I spent the day glued to the NFL, so I don't really know what went on with Agness and Little Jimmy. They stayed out of my way, which was good. The Cowboys won, too, so I was in a good mood come supper time. Agnes brought me food when I needed it and kept the Lonestar flowing until about halftime in the Sunday night game. I had to get up and get it myself and was just settling in for the second half when there was a knock at the door.

Somebody ordered pizza. It was triple pepperoni and double cheese, which is my favorite, so I figured Agnes ordered it for me. She wasn't such a bad wife, after all. I ate all but two slices and put a healthy dent in the case of beer I'd opened for the previews earlier in the day.

I ended up falling asleep in the chair and woke with a headache. I got up and went to the bedroom to shower and get dressed. I noticed the bed was neatly made, and Agnes wasn't in it. I didn't think too much of it, as she was often up well before me. When I was done getting ready, I headed down to the kitchen and found her making coffee and heating up a couple frozen Max's donuts in the toaster oven. We'd go buy them in bulk, then bring them home to freeze. That way, they lasted us a long time, and I could avoid the lines.

Agnes was smiling and gave me a big kiss as she handed me my first cup of coffee. I noticed her robe was untied, falling open, and she was naked underneath. I ate breakfast and just finished my second cup when Jimmy showed up, wearing only boxers. Agnes gave him a lingering hug and a somewhat inappropriate kiss, for an Aunt. I noticed with growing perturbation that her robe was still not tied shut.

I grumbled and left them to their breakfast. I had important things to do. I had been selected the Rotary Club's Man of the Year and was being given a big award on Friday. I had to give a speech, so I needed to practice and see myself giving it. So, I set up a video camera in the bedroom and stood in front of it, giving my speech to an imaginary crowd.

It was pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I mixed in a good amount of jokes and humor as well as more serious moments. I had it down to about 18 minutes but needed to get it to 15. I was on my fourth run through when Agnes stuck her head in to ask me why I was late for work.

"I'm not late!" I snapped, then looked at my watch. "Shit! I'm late!"

I ran out of the room and grabbed my work bag, and headed to the office, calling my boss to tell him I was stuck in traffic. I had a typical day, but I couldn't help thinking about how weird it was with Jimmy being black and all. Not that there's something weird about being black, but there was something strange about her cousin being that way.

Agnes has a younger sister named Ursula, who lives in Denver. She's married to a guy named Trevor. I never really liked him. He was from Boston and was a Patriots fan. That was enough to make me hate him, but he was also a handsome, smug, condescending little prick. At the moment, I couldn't think of anybody else to call, so I called him.

"Well, well," he said when he answered, "if it isn't my brother-in-law. How's it going, Bill? You must really need something to call me."

"Yeah, well, that's true," I admitted. Not wanting to waste time on chit chat, I got to the point. "Do you know much about Agnes and Ursula's family?"

"Not that much," he said. "I met their worthless brother Abe. That's about it."

"What about their Arkansas kin?" I asked.

"Arkansas?" he asked, sounded puzzled. "I never heard of any relatives in Arkansas. Why?"

"So you never heard about no Aunt Martha in Little Rock, married to a doctor, who can't afford to pay for UNT and has a 6-foot-four black, adopted son named Little Jimmy?"

"Uhh, no," he replied. "I can't say that I have. Want me to ask Ursula? She's right here."

"Yeah, if you don't mind?"

He must've put the call on speaker, as I could hear their conversation perfectly.

"Hey Urs," he said, "It's your sister's husband, Bill. He wants to know if you have an Aunt Martha in Little Rock."

"Hey, Bill," said Ursula. "I don't have an aunt named Martha anywhere, and don't know anybody from Little Rock. Why? What's going on? Some kind of scam?"

"Yeah," I said, feeling my anger welling up inside me to the point of popping out, "you got that right. A scam I'm fixing to put an end to."

"To which I'm fixing to put an end," Trever said.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Trevor said with a laugh, "Was there something else you needed, Bill?"

"No, that was it," I answered. "Bye."

I hung up the phone and started pacing my office. "The fucking, whore!" I shouted. "How dare she bring that bastard into my home and try to fool me. I'm onto their scheme now!"

I sat down in my chair, pulled a bottle of hooch from the back of my cabinet, and poured some into my coffee mug. "Now I just gotta figure out what it is they're doing!" I said out loud as I took a big sip.

Chapter 4

I left work early and got home at around five o'clock to a quiet house, with no sign of my phony cousin-in-law. Agnes was in the kitchen fixing supper, and looked up, surprised when I walked in.

"Oh," she declared. "It's you!"

I noticed she was wearing the robe again, still hanging open with her cans showing and her crotch on display. I couldn't help but notice the absence of her prominent and hairy bush.

"Sorry to disappoint," I said. "Where's Jimmy?"

"He had to go meet his friends to pick up some weed-weed-weed killer," she stammered.

"Weed Killer?" I asked, scratching my head. "What the hell is he getting weed killer for?" I started wondering if maybe they were some kind of terrorist cell, and weedkiller was used in explosive vests.

"Have you seen our yard lately?" Agnes asked. "It's more weeds than grass. He's minoring in whore culture."

"Whore culture?" I asked, wondering what kind of liberal ass programs these schools had nowadays.

"Horticulture," she corrected me. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Plant shit," Agnes answered. "You know, how to grow stuff and whatnot."

"If he kills the weeds, we'll only have dirt for a yard," I told her. "Tell him thanks, but no thanks."

"Oh, ok," Agnes said with a smile, "I'll let him know."

I started to walk out of the room, but I thought maybe I'd give her one chance to come clean. "Agnes?" I said.

"Yes, Bill?"

"You got anything you want to tell me?" I asked, "You know, like confess?"

She stared at me for several seconds. She drew her robe closed, hiding her newly shaved snatch, but didn't tie it.

"I burned dinner," she said. "I'm sorry."

"That's it?" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry," she said.

I nodded and grabbed a Lonestar then headed to the bedroom to change clothes. I noticed a scent in the house, kind of reminded me of a skunk that we once had spray our dog. Kind of sickly sweet, pungent.

If that was Jimmy's cologne, the boy had strange tastes.

I started to get into my sweatshirt and pants, which I wore every evening when it was cold but decided I should investigate what my wife and her so-called relative were up to. I snooped around the room, but couldn't find anything unusual or out of place, so I went ahead and changed clothes. When I went back to the kitchen to eat, Jimmy was back.

"Look," I said, "don't be putting any damn weedkiller on my lawn. I like it the way it is."

"Say what?" he asked.

"Weedkiller?" I said, speaking slowly. "Agnes said you went to go get weedkiller. So, don't. I don't need my weeds killed."

"Oh, uhh," Jimmy said, staring at my wife, who just shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Agnes handed me a bowl of warmed up leftover chili from a few nights ago. I grabbed the Louisiana sauce and another Lonestar and went out to the family room to watch Monday Night Football and eat. The game sucked. It was a blowout. By halftime, I was bored and remembered my speech.

I decided to abandon the football game and review the clips of me rehearsing my speech from the morning. I got up and headed to the bedroom. As I passed the stairs, I could smell the skunk much stronger now. Maybe we had a dead one in the attic or something.