Authors note: some pretty graphic sex is back in this chapter - skim carefully because there IS some significant points about and after the sex. Another pretty short chapter.
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Elaine - Thursday AM:
I didn't sleep very well last night. And when I did I vaguely remember some terrible dreams. Like I was drowning or suffocating. I thought I was miserable before. But nothing like last night with the devastation of how yesterday ended after finally, just a little ray of sunshine and hope I felt. Being with Bob working together looking for his new offices was the best feeling I had actually had in a long, long time. After his first few verbal cracks at me - we settled down to at least friendliness. And I saw him actually checking me out in the car. Looking at my legs and me in a new light that certainly wasn't just disgust, if not hate. I was really turned on myself. My pussy was wet and I hoped he could smell it and just take me. The fact that he DID remain so physically in control and remote actually made me want him even more. Then his fucking phone call, from "Karen", and my own phone call with the shameful news of my actual STD infection and his own revelations, correct intuitions even, that made me feel like a frog being dissected.
I ran into the house bawling and barely got myself even a little bit together before Julia rushed home from just up the street. At least Bob was there and handled her great, as always - before explaining he had to go out for a "business" meeting and might be late, "not to worry."
And I waited and waited but Bob never came home all night. Despite what he had said I KNEW he was in bed with Karen all night. I didn't know who she was but if I met her right now I knew I would do my best to kill her with my bare hands. A totally irrational feeling and even shameful considering what I had been doing the last two years and then black Friday.
But then I couldn't help wonder, "why didn't Bob try to kill Sam that night? Maybe by then he didn't really love me after all, at least not so much?" It was all very confusing to me and I couldn't put any spin on any of it to make me feel better. So I just suffered. At least I could lie to Julia and just say "he got in about 12 last night and was real tired. And he STILL had to get up real early and leave today. Just remember he really is working so hard for you and me - the family. OK? I'm sure he'll be back tonight OK." Jules bought it, but I really wondered and worried about it.
Finally about 8:30 this morning he showed up in his old car. He went in the basement entrance and I could hear his shower going. Then he came upstairs into the kitchen all dressed for work. I just had my robe on and probably did not look well, and I was afraid to say anything at all, except "can I make you some breakfast?"
When what I wanted to do was scream at him and beat HIM for hurting me so bad, all last night.
He just said, "Sure, thanks. Just fix me some of whatever you're having to go with my coffee. I'm a little hungover this morning so don't expect much pleasant conversation for a while." And he actually smiled a little. The fucking asshole. All relaxed after HIS night of fucking that bimbo...my mind was spinning.
Then he quietly said, "Any word from Kay yet?"
Oh, Christ - right there all my moral high ground indignation just became ashes in my mouth. But my pain didn't go away - maybe ratcheted up a tad. Fuck.
"Yes. She'll do it. She said she will call you sometime later today."
"And I've already called the Urologist and they can see you at 11 this morning if you can make it. You don't have to confirm, just show up. If you can't make that let me know and I'll reschedule."
Please, God, don't let him have an STD that I gave him, I thought - but also that little personal devil on my shoulder was whispering, "but it would serve that bitch Karen right if she got it from fucking a married man..." More confusion. Why the hell hadn't I thought this way about Bob years ago - and really protected my man and my marriage???
"That will work, I'll run by on my way to Ross's..."
"Ross? Ross Clark?"
"All right. I might as well tell you. You'll find out anyway as part of the office space lease info. I'm working for Ross Clark now and his new start up company Robotics Systems Solutions. We are going to compete with IMT&R in just a small way for a long, long time. IF we don't go under the first year while never landing a single customer. Like I said, I'm not even making as much as I did before. This is very risky and I won't have any real good personal prospects if this fails. You need to know this for your own long term planning. Maybe you should want a divorce from me sooner rather than later...just saying."
This was a bit of a shock.
Finally, I said, "No. You can divorce me now any time you want to and I won't fight it. As long as it's "no fault" and "shared custody" - my only requests. I don't dare "demand" terms, now. But I won't divorce you. I just won't. And I don't want you to divorce me, now or ever."
"Whatever," he replied - and went back in the basement with his coffee after finishing his eggs and bacon and toast breakfast.
Time for me to stop crying - over spilled milk and so much, very much, else. What a waste I had made of the last 11 years - and just last week I was thinking how very much "I had grown and poor Bob just hadn't."
I resolved to call Washington University admissions today and talk to someone about their graduate psychology programs. They were a good school and undoubtedly expensive and I would request grants and financial aid info as well. I also dug out some of my old favorite psychology text books and started rereading - especially the human sexuality and sexual deviations parts. Nowadays almost nothing seemed actually considered abnormal or deviant or "needing treatment" - just "lifestyle choices". Well, maybe pedophilia. Maybe.
