She didn't join us at first and I began to worry that she was speeding home to spoil our plans but then she came in carrying her notebook. Someone in our party asked her what she wanted to drink and she gave her order so I assumed that she was staying at least long enough, then I looked at her and I saw a little turn up of her mouth. I did a quick rethink about today's plan, it was all there, no errors that I could think of. She must have been watching my face and she looked very pleased with herself. Then all at once I knew and I walked over to her. "You set him up didn't you?" She smiled, very pleased with herself.
She held her notebook up, "it's all in here," she said looking pleased with herself and offered it to me. "For you, all the honesty I can give."
"I don't want it," I said, "it is supposed to be for your therapy not mine."
"It's not what you think, please read it, this is my notebook to you. If you read this and want to read my other notebook you can, but I think by then you will not want to."
"Should I ask you again about today or will it all be in here?"
"It's in there, you could have had him a week back but you were going away and since you were having fun I thought I might as well have some a bit longer too, what's good for the goose and all that."
"I think you're manipulating the facts a bit there, when did you put the camera on the wall?"
"I ordered it when Peter got in touch with me and I decided on this plan to rub your nose in it."
"So I was right, you do hate me." I said with as much venom as I could muster."
"No, it's how you make me feel about myself, it's in there."
****************************************************************************************
The Confession
I flipped open the first page and read a heading
'David, I am a nasty conniving lying slut.'
I write this now as my confession but before you start I want to tell you a summary. I have been able to do this through your hard work looking into my background, and because you gave me the idea of writing my history down at the right time. I am calmer at this moment perhaps more than at any time for a year or more. This is because inside me I feel like I have won even though I know that I am a loser. Bringing Peter back into my life feels like the ultimate insult, punishment, degradation or belittlement that I could put on you, call it what you like. So now as you read this you probably hate me, so I must tell you why.
I shall start at the beginning. I have always been highly motivated sexually or as men like to call it, a slut, men are allowed to be that way but women have been castigated for being what nature intended of us. However, this meant that from an early age I looked for sexual experience and because my family were strong on some things and not on others I was probably rebellious, that seems to be a part of my nature. Anyway you know much of what happened from then until you stole me away. The thing that has been hard to understand is why I changed and what made it possible. My conclusion is that we gave our lives purpose, But despite what you may suspect we were the perfect couple.
I had one or two temptations, I remember there was one with Shawn when without knowing you stopped something happening, but now as I write my memories I write how angry I felt at you for interrupting. It happened again another time, I won't mention the details here but I was just about to achieve a massive climax when you rang and left a message that told me how much you loved me and the hit of guilt totally wiped out the moment. If I was a nice reasonable person I would have blamed myself and not done it again but no I am a totally selfish slut and I blame it on you. I suppose you would like to know when that was, so I will keep you wondering but I am sure you wouldn't really like to know, after all I am just a dirty slut aren't I?
As a generalisation I would say that I began rebelling even more then, or soon after, but I began to subconsciously build up this demon character who was a complete contrast to how I knew I should be. I must say you have fought well in stopping my downward spiral and the vendetta started to make me think. The trouble is that the more that you are you, a very caring, loving, sexy, wonderful man the more I feel guilt and shame and the more my inner self rebels. I think you began to fall out of love with me as my transgressions became worse and that was reasonable given my behaviour, but that doesn't satisfy my demon side either because who do I rebel against if not you?
As Winston Churchill once said, I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. In those special moments when I haven't been fighting you, the love that you give me is so special that I feel that I don't deserve to live. I really mean it when I tell you that I adore and love you, without you my world would be nothing, so you see I am my own worst enemy.
Last week you gave me something that suddenly gave me a purpose, something that took me away from my obsessions and straight away I wanted rid of your nemesis from my life and I started frightening him with stories of what you do to people who mess with me. Then it was the weekend and by Tuesday you were gone so I waited. Despite my sex controlled self, I hate that man and each day I tried to abuse his self-styled idea of what a man should be; he doesn't even enjoy sex I don't think. It is just his way of having power over women and I was his revenge on you for taking Ana and forcing him to change his life.
I want you to trust me with the development project but I don't know what I have to offer you for your trust. I will not offer you another worthless apology as I am sure you are tired of my worthless apologies. I have exchanged all honour and love for random sex and the destruction of your self-respect. I throw myself upon you to ask that you will let me have this one chance and if I fail you I will sign a divorce then sign myself into an institution forthwith.
At that, David didn't bother to check for anymore, he didn't need to, he had heard pretty much all he needed by now and nothing surprised him anymore, he supposed that it was the last nails in the coffin and as he stood on the periphery of the lunchtime crowd he began to think rationally. The decision was, did he need Olivia on the team or not and if he included her could he stand to have her around? This was not something for rash decision making. He decided to talk to some other people to try and see if their opinions would help him clarify. He decided to talk to Michael first then changed his mind and decided to make an appointment to see Angela but then wondered if that idea was pointless, but he had nothing to lose. Then he decided to talk to his closest confidants, the ladies who had committed to him and some of those who hadn't.
He re-joined the others and Olivia looked at him questioningly, he didn't respond and tried to join the general conversation. When he got back to the office he rang Angela's office first and asked the receptionist to speak to Angela and say that he wanted to obtain an opinion from her and that it would be likely that he would never have to talk to her again. He decided then that he should tell Olivia that he would be showing her notebook to Angela and to some of the women then possibly her parents, and if she had any objections she should say now. A message came back saying that she could understand that he would want to show Angela but preferred that he did not show the others as she may have to deal with them in the long term. He could see the logic of that so decided he would see how he felt after talking to Angela.
Despite their last interaction, Angela made time for him after hours and he handed her the notebook to read first, saying that he had Olivia's agreement to show it to her and he showed her the message. She raised her eyebrow at first wondering how much of this book was full but he assured her that it wasn't by any means, well, so far as he had read anyway. "You can stop after she makes a request of me, I couldn't read anymore." Angela read and a cloud gradually grew over her until she closed the book with a deep sigh. She asked who the man was that Olivia referred to and as he answered, she continued to look very unhappy, especially when he added that the man was possibly the father of Olivia's child.
She said, "I suppose you want my opinion, so fire away with your question? I will answer the best I can as long as it doesn't breach my privacy commitment to my patient."
"I have to decide whether my business needs her and if it does whether I can bear to be in her company? Before I can even begin to decide, the big question is what can I trust?"