Hi all, apologies for taking so long. I write in the evenings after work but I'm under pressure on three new launches so I often get home brain dead wanting little more than food and bed. A well respected LW author told me that it's better to take time to get it right than to submit something that has been rushed. He also gave me some sage advice on some of the critical areas so thank you Henry, your ability dwarfs me.
** Coming Home Part II **
The next two days, vacillated between a numb haze where nothing seemed quite real and a heightened emotional state where everything was hyper-real. I called Tyrone, Jimmy, Michael and her old squad mates who had returned to civilian life to give them the news. I thought that with each phone call it would get easier, but it didn't. It actually got worse as the reality sank in fully.
I made sure to speak with the Archers, telling them about BA's life in the army. I didn't hold back and told them the things she wanted me to say. Initially they were shocked at my uncensored picture of what went on in a Forward Base and they wished they had talked her out of joining, but slowly and uncomfortably, they started to understand the woman their little girl had grown into. By the end, they were still heartbroken, but bristling with pride as they learned of the integral part she and Prince had played and how many other sons and daughters were alive because of the incredible team they had made. We cried and hugged, and it was time to head back home. Before I left, they informed me that they had organised to have her body flown back to their hometown of Fayetteville for burial.
In between, I spoke to Mac.
"Hi Baby, just wanted to check in. Are you eating anything? Sleeping at all?" She paused unsure of what to say next, as I mumbled that I had eaten.
"I'm here for you. And I get it, I do. She was a huge part of your life. But please, don't shut me out. Let me help carry this, even if I can't make it hurt any less."
She sounded genuine and concerned and I appreciated it on one level. but simultaneously it also felt like she was intruding in something she didn't understand. What did civilians know? It left me with waring emotions. Hurt, angry at myself and resentful that Mac though she 'got it.' Why? Because my feelings for BA were still raw and now she was dead, leaving me having to face her parents and guilt for not having fought to keep our relationship alive, and wishing I had somehow put my foot down and pushed her harder to quit when her first tour was up.
As my time with BA's parents extended, my guilt and depression deepened, and my communication with Mac suffered.
"You're not talking to me Jack, and I don't know how to reach you."
I exhaled slowly, trying to find my centre. "I just need time."
"I understand that. But it feels like you're disappearing. I know you loved her, and losing someone like that..." She went silent.
"I don't know how to stop feeling like I should've done more."
We switched off and I wondered how uncomfortable she was becoming, at my response to losing BA.
By the time I was flying home she had suggested that we take some time off so I could grieve properly. I guess that she was becoming uncomfortable or even possibly alarmed at how badly I was taking my ex-girlfriend's death.
If that wasn't creating enough stress, the DRC contract was now in full swing and we would soon have to start the implementation plan, so although I wasn't the most senior person on the project, I had the lead on several critical deliverables and I had to make up the missing days. On top of that, I had agreed to give a eulogy at BA's funeral in a week's time. So, I flew home to a minor shitstorm at the office and in my personal life.
Eventually Mac got tired of waiting for me to call, and called me instead, several times that week trying to set-up a date, but I was so far behind and snowed under, that there were no dates. In fact, our conversations hardly progressed beyond the, 'hello - how are you, stage.' I could sense that she was getting frustrated with me, so I tried to explain the deadlines I was under.
"I have so much riding on this contract Mac. Both for the company and my personal career prospects." She said she understood, but after her third call I got a strong impression that her understanding was starting to wear thin.
By the end of the week, I managed to get mostly caught up at work and called her.
"I'm off to Fayetteville for the burial."
"We haven't even connected once this week Jack! And I'll be in Chicago at the Party Congress managing the media liaison side." I must have made a noise of some sort. "Don't tell me you've forgotten?"
I had.
Her next words made me stop. "I feel like I'm losing you Jack. I don't know how to stay connected and you're treating me like I've done something wrong."
The end-result was that before we could connect, she was in Chicago, and I was in Fayetteville together with Tyrone, Jimmy and Michael who was accompanied by Hannah.
The funeral was everything you've either experienced or seen on TV. At the end, the folded Stars and Stripes was presented to Colin who accepted it with dignity.
In my eulogy, I spoke about Barbara's loyalty to her squad mates and especially to Prince. I mentioned her kindness and help to the many Afghan women and girls she met and interacted with, but mostly I spoke about her incredible tenacity and how she didn't give an inch. Her personal motto and mantra was 'not one step' and she lived it, never retreating, always finding the courage to move forward whether it was in her military or personal life. I said that it was a life lesson we could all do with.
But that irritating voice inside my head questioned if I, had in fact lost my courage.
Later, at the wake, I found Hannah next to me. "I liked what you said about BA's motto of, not one step." She reached out and captured my hands. "You, could do with some of that right now!"
I tried to avoid the conversation, but she was insistent. "You'll lose that girl Jack! She's cried on my shoulder, and I've told her to give you time, but she won't wait for forever and the wolves are circling."
"I thought she said she wanted a meaningful relationship that was going somewhere!" I felt both irritated and bitter. "Are you telling me that she can't give me a short time to grieve the loss of a good friend."
"Grieving over a friend is one thing, but you're behaving like you lost more."
"You didn't see her in hospital Sis." Unbidden tears came to my eyes. "She was so brave even as she knew that she was dying, and it was a knife to my heart." I sniffed and wiped my nose. "I needed to go home to Mac and take her to bed and make love with her to simply reaffirm life and living, like you and Michael would have, but I don't have that person."
Her eyes widened in surprise and consternation. "What? What do you mean?"
"We're not making love Sis. She's gone to bed with everyone, but me! She says she wants to take it slow but sometimes I think she's playing games." I sighed in frustration. "I'm a grown-ass man and I need to be in a grown-ass relationship. We're not teenagers going to movies and holding hands!"
"Get a grip little brother. That girl's fallen in love with you, but if by now you don't see a future with her, save both of you, some greater future pain, and let her know that it's over."
I stood up, but she held onto my arm to stop any attempt of escape and looked at me with concern. "Have you spent any time with a trauma counsellor since you came back from Afghanistan, Jack?" Well, other than a TEM debrief immediately after the firefight no! I just shook my head "Michael has!" That was a surprise. "Think about it Jack, what harm could it do?"
She left me with more questions than answers and my shoulders slumped and my head dropped with fatigue. "Thanks Hannah, for the conversation and the heads-up, I'm now calling it a night."
* * *
I breakfasted with the Archers, and then flew home, to the end of my relationship with Mac.
