Hi all, apologies for taking so long. I write in the evenings after work but I'm under pressure on three new launches so I often get home brain dead wanting little more than food and bed. A well respected LW author told me that it's better to take time to get it right than to submit something that has been rushed. He also gave me some sage advice on some of the critical areas so thank you Henry, your ability dwarfs me.
** Coming Home Part II **
The next two days, vacillated between a numb haze where nothing seemed quite real and a heightened emotional state where everything was hyper-real. I called Tyrone, Jimmy, Michael and her old squad mates who had returned to civilian life to give them the news. I thought that with each phone call it would get easier, but it didn't. It actually got worse as the reality sank in fully.
I made sure to speak with the Archers, telling them about BA's life in the army. I didn't hold back and told them the things she wanted me to say. Initially they were shocked at my uncensored picture of what went on in a Forward Base and they wished they had talked her out of joining, but slowly and uncomfortably, they started to understand the woman their little girl had grown into. By the end, they were still heartbroken, but bristling with pride as they learned of the integral part she and Prince had played and how many other sons and daughters were alive because of the incredible team they had made. We cried and hugged, and it was time to head back home. Before I left, they informed me that they had organised to have her body flown back to their hometown of Fayetteville for burial.
In between, I spoke to Mac.
"Hi Baby, just wanted to check in. Are you eating anything? Sleeping at all?" She paused unsure of what to say next, as I mumbled that I had eaten.
"I'm here for you. And I get it, I do. She was a huge part of your life. But please, don't shut me out. Let me help carry this, even if I can't make it hurt any less."
She sounded genuine and concerned and I appreciated it on one level. but simultaneously it also felt like she was intruding in something she didn't understand. What did civilians know? It left me with waring emotions. Hurt, angry at myself and resentful that Mac though she 'got it.' Why? Because my feelings for BA were still raw and now she was dead, leaving me having to face her parents and guilt for not having fought to keep our relationship alive, and wishing I had somehow put my foot down and pushed her harder to quit when her first tour was up.
As my time with BA's parents extended, my guilt and depression deepened, and my communication with Mac suffered.
"You're not talking to me Jack, and I don't know how to reach you."
I exhaled slowly, trying to find my centre. "I just need time."
"I understand that. But it feels like you're disappearing. I know you loved her, and losing someone like that..." She went silent.
"I don't know how to stop feeling like I should've done more."
We switched off and I wondered how uncomfortable she was becoming, at my response to losing BA.
By the time I was flying home she had suggested that we take some time off so I could grieve properly. I guess that she was becoming uncomfortable or even possibly alarmed at how badly I was taking my ex-girlfriend's death.
If that wasn't creating enough stress, the DRC contract was now in full swing and we would soon have to start the implementation plan, so although I wasn't the most senior person on the project, I had the lead on several critical deliverables and I had to make up the missing days. On top of that, I had agreed to give a eulogy at BA's funeral in a week's time. So, I flew home to a minor shitstorm at the office and in my personal life.
Eventually Mac got tired of waiting for me to call, and called me instead, several times that week trying to set-up a date, but I was so far behind and snowed under, that there were no dates. In fact, our conversations hardly progressed beyond the, 'hello - how are you, stage.' I could sense that she was getting frustrated with me, so I tried to explain the deadlines I was under.
"I have so much riding on this contract Mac. Both for the company and my personal career prospects." She said she understood, but after her third call I got a strong impression that her understanding was starting to wear thin.
By the end of the week, I managed to get mostly caught up at work and called her.
"I'm off to Fayetteville for the burial."
"We haven't even connected once this week Jack! And I'll be in Chicago at the Party Congress managing the media liaison side." I must have made a noise of some sort. "Don't tell me you've forgotten?"
I had.
Her next words made me stop. "I feel like I'm losing you Jack. I don't know how to stay connected and you're treating me like I've done something wrong."
The end-result was that before we could connect, she was in Chicago, and I was in Fayetteville together with Tyrone, Jimmy and Michael who was accompanied by Hannah.
The funeral was everything you've either experienced or seen on TV. At the end, the folded Stars and Stripes was presented to Colin who accepted it with dignity.
In my eulogy, I spoke about Barbara's loyalty to her squad mates and especially to Prince. I mentioned her kindness and help to the many Afghan women and girls she met and interacted with, but mostly I spoke about her incredible tenacity and how she didn't give an inch. Her personal motto and mantra was 'not one step' and she lived it, never retreating, always finding the courage to move forward whether it was in her military or personal life. I said that it was a life lesson we could all do with.
But that irritating voice inside my head questioned if I, had in fact lost my courage.
Later, at the wake, I found Hannah next to me. "I liked what you said about BA's motto of, not one step." She reached out and captured my hands. "You, could do with some of that right now!"
I tried to avoid the conversation, but she was insistent. "You'll lose that girl Jack! She's cried on my shoulder, and I've told her to give you time, but she won't wait for forever and the wolves are circling."
"I thought she said she wanted a meaningful relationship that was going somewhere!" I felt both irritated and bitter. "Are you telling me that she can't give me a short time to grieve the loss of a good friend."
"Grieving over a friend is one thing, but you're behaving like you lost more."
"You didn't see her in hospital Sis." Unbidden tears came to my eyes. "She was so brave even as she knew that she was dying, and it was a knife to my heart." I sniffed and wiped my nose. "I needed to go home to Mac and take her to bed and make love with her to simply reaffirm life and living, like you and Michael would have, but I don't have that person."
Her eyes widened in surprise and consternation. "What? What do you mean?"
"We're not making love Sis. She's gone to bed with everyone, but me! She says she wants to take it slow but sometimes I think she's playing games." I sighed in frustration. "I'm a grown-ass man and I need to be in a grown-ass relationship. We're not teenagers going to movies and holding hands!"
"Get a grip little brother. That girl's fallen in love with you, but if by now you don't see a future with her, save both of you, some greater future pain, and let her know that it's over."
I stood up, but she held onto my arm to stop any attempt of escape and looked at me with concern. "Have you spent any time with a trauma counsellor since you came back from Afghanistan, Jack?" Well, other than a TEM debrief immediately after the firefight no! I just shook my head "Michael has!" That was a surprise. "Think about it Jack, what harm could it do?"
She left me with more questions than answers and my shoulders slumped and my head dropped with fatigue. "Thanks Hannah, for the conversation and the heads-up, I'm now calling it a night."
* * *
I breakfasted with the Archers, and then flew home, to the end of my relationship with Mac.
Actually, the end wasn't instantaneous. It happened in stages, starting over the course of the next two days, with news and social media posts about Mac at the Democratic Convention in Chicago.
Initially I thought it was nothing more than Mac doing her job and promoting the latest candidate and that it would soon die down. However, the opposite happened, and it grew and grew until I was hit on multiple fronts with News articles, photos, Tic-Toc videos and Twitter posts, of the newest rising star of the Illinois Democratic Party, one Daniel Banner. With one Mackenzie Cunningham in tow.
The internet was alive with the story of the hot-shot candidate, winning the party's nomination and reconnecting with his high school sweetheart at the same time. As Sean Connery had so succinctly put it in The Rock: 'Winners go home and fuck the prom queen'! Who in this case was Mac.
There was a soundbite from Mrs. Julia Cunningham, who said that the reconnection between Daniel Banner and her daughter was pre-destined, and that she couldn't be happier. Then his parents, stated that it was time for the two leading Democratic Party families of Springfield to unite.
It didn't take long before Springfield was abuzz with the news. One YouTube video was captioned: 'The New Royalty' and proceeded to describe their relationship as a meeting of hearts and minds. On another digital platform, a hack compared them to a young John and Jackie.
I got two short text messages from Mac. The first was that I should ignore anything on social media. The second, was that she wanted to talk to me as soon as she got back from Chicago. I tried calling her and initially the phone rang and was ignored, but after the third attempt it was switched off, or I was blocked.
I didn't need this shit in my life, not in my frazzled mental state.
I don't know what upset me most! Her lack of communication? That this was her ex-boyfriend? Or, was I simply pained by my growing conviction that this was a precursor to her future behaviour in her job.
I then wondered if BA's death and aftermath had burned high emotion out of me, because when I tried to interrogate my feelings, I was left with a veneer of prickly discomfort, over a deeper underlying remorse at what could have, or should have been.
That was about all I felt.
While I continued to grapple with my feelings or lack thereof, the Banner and Mac 'love story,' caught flame once more, when he announced that he would be visiting the jewellers as soon as possible for a ring.
I still didn't think it was much more than a PR stunt, but that didn't stop it from leaving a bad taste in my mouth and it confirmed that Mac and I were nothing more than a brief interlude. My original concerns that our backgrounds, experiences and expectations were diametrically opposed had become evident. The little voice in my head said this was the best opportunity to break it off without me looking like a complete asshole.
I typed a message saying, 'Don't bother calling because we are done'!
It was admittedly brutal, and I considered it for a long time, tinged by sadness and a touch of pain. Was I simply taking the coward's way out, or was all this bullshit at the convention the deal breaker? I ruminated for a while and realised that it was in fact a deal breaker. What woman in a relationship that she claims is so important to her, pretends to be in a different one for the sake of money or political gain? She was disrespecting me, our so-called relationship and herself, so fuck-it., I hit send.
I tried to get my mind onto work or anything that wasn't Mac but the afternoon consisted of non-stop calls and messages from everybody who knew that Mac and I had been dating.
"Don't do anything stupid till you've spoken to Mac." From Hannah. I didn't tell her it was already too late for that!
"I'm also pissed, but It's definitely only a PR stunt!" More Hannah.
"I don't know what to tell you, but Hannah's lost her cool over this, even if she won't admit it to you." Michael.
"Well, of course she feels responsible She introduced her to you!" Michael again.
"I'm sorry Jack. Focus on work and exercise till it hurts man, and stay away from the bottle it doesn't help. I know!" Tyrone.
