Author's Note: This is the first of 3 parts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're beautiful, Ellen. You know that, right?"
That's what Matt said to me that opened a door to a life I never knew existed. We'd just finished another of our evening workouts, which we had done religiously every day after work for several months. We were in the elevator alone and I just knew he was going to say something funny, something really snotty, because that's just the way he was. He's one of the funniest people I've ever met. That's the only side I knew to that point. He teased me a lot and I enjoyed it. But, the way he turned to me, all deliberate and intense, literally made me tremble with anticipation. For about 3 seconds, he stared right into me. I looked away when I first realized he was staring at me. Then, I looked back at him and neither of us looked away. Was he being funny? I thought so. I was already annoyed with him, so I just stared back waiting for the joke. And then he said it.
"You're beautiful, Ellen. You know that, right?"
It scared the shit out of me. He looked so sincere, vulnerable, empathetic, and absolutely fucking perfect. I knew my life was about to change. No man (or woman) has ever spoken to me that way or made me feel that way. Not my father. Not my husband, Not any boyfriends. Not in the way Matt did at that moment. He meant it and I felt it. I felt beautiful.
I've been overweight most of my life. I'm the fat girl with "the pretty face" who was constantly told by friends, family, teachers and strangers how much better I'd look if I just lost some weight, as if the thought never occurred to me. I'm 5-9, I have wide hips, ample chest, big legs, and a big butt, which was pretty dumpy before I started working out with Matt. I have brown hair, gray eyes, a round face (I hadn't seen my cheekbones in years), and pasty skin. I've only excelled at two things in life: being kind to people and being a good mom to two beautiful girls. Actually, I'm a pretty good wife, too, even if some of you don't think so after reading this. I didn't know what Matt saw in me. But I found out.
Matt's looks didn't exactly creep up on me. From the moment he was hired, the women in the office were gawking and whispering. He's 6-3 and very well-defined. Not overly muscular, but solid. His skin is a deep brown and it practically glows. He has a really well-groomed full beard and a closely shaven head. Really great dresser. The man takes pride in his appearance. I appreciated him in a way one window-shops, looking at an outfit on a perfectly proportioned mannequin that you know isn't made for people like you. He was nice to look at, but so far from my reality that it was not worth indulging in the fantasy. What would a hot shot 29 year-old black staff attorney want with a fat, frumpy white 43 year-old office manager?
It didn't take very long for him to become everyone's favorite person around the office. The men loved talking about sports with him and all the women loved that he was really into pop culture. He was so relatable, you would forget about his looks. He liked TV, books, video games and movies, so he always found common ground with everyone. I don't know where he found time to consume that much information, but he was always up on the latest. And did I mention his sense of humor? Always cracking jokes. The big boss, John, a man with the angriest resting face you'd ever want to see, loved Matt. When Matt was around, John was a completely different person, smiling and laughing like a grade schooler. I had been around for 15 of John's 41 years with the organization and I never saw him as a real human being until Matt showed up. Matt just brings out the best in people.
There was no better example of that than the walking club. His first day on the job, Matt turned down everyone's lunch offers and made it known that he would be spending his lunch hours walking on the trail that went around the office complex where we worked. It was good exercise, physically and mentally, he said. A couple of younger staffers joined him. Then more. It was like the Pied Piper. Soon, there were about a dozen people in the walking club. He hadn't been on the job a month and showed more leadership qualities than everyone in the office. That said, I was not inclined to follow. I hated walking. He sensed my resistance and took it as a challenge.
"Come walk with us today. It's nice out," he said to me one morning in early March.
He cornered me in the galley, as I was getting my coffee. He was getting one of his weird yogurt drinks.
"We're in Raleigh, North Carolina. It's always nice out," I shot back, doing my best to hold a straight face.
"Seriously, come on," he pleaded. "I made everyone promise that we'd hear you out about Buffy being the best TV show of the 90s."
That broke me. I laughed really hard, because I wasn't aware of how much I brought up how much I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sarah Michelle Gellar as a teenager. But he picked up on it and I found it so amusing and endearing. How could I resist after that?
"Okay, I can't turn down that offer, but I can't do it today. I'm not walking in this skirt. I'd chafe like crazy."
He lowered his eyes and said with a smirk "I want to say something, but I know I'd be meeting with HR tomorrow."
"Shut up," I said, with an amused gasp, slapping him on the shoulder.
That was our dynamic for a long time, a little brother/big sister type of thing. I loved being around him, but there was no sexual tension at all.
The next day I brought a change of clothes for the walk and we all met down at the elevator bays on the first floor. I felt like such a fat ass standing around with everyone. The walking club was about three months old at that point and it was clearly benefiting a few people, people who could stand to get in better condition, most notably was Don, a balding creep from accounting, who looked like he had dropped about 25lbs. It took me seeing Don in his sweats to notice a change, because he was such a bad dresser I never spotted a difference.
Matt and April were the last ones to arrive. April was a cute little blonde staff associate, who was in grad school and had sex coming out of her pores. At that moment, I was sure something was going on between her and Matt, especially when I saw the outline of Matt's dick through his nylon sweatpants. It was just bouncing and wiggling against the shimmering navy blue fabric, as if no one was supposed to acknowledge it. It was fucking huge. I know everyone saw it. I wanted to pull him aside and chastise him, just like a mom or older sister would. But, of course, like everyone else, I pretended not to notice and off we went.
That first walk was absolutely brutal. I felt so gross. Sweaty as hell. Every fold and crevice on my body felt moist and disgusting. I had no business being 270+ lbs and walking for 45 minutes on an 85 degree day. If you've ever been overweight and inactive for a long period of time and you decide to start working out, please don't walk in the sun for an hour as your first order of business.
I had to follow April back to the locker rooms, so I could shower. I didn't have access to the facilities, because I never used the gym, so I never signed up. While we were changing, April and the other girls were talking about the thing we all pretended not to see.
"I'll bet it's at least 9 inches."
"I would not know what to do with all that."
"Oh, I would. I'd figure something out."
I said nothing, but laughed in solidarity, enthralled with the conversation. I was also very self-conscious about my body, so I didn't want to bring attention to myself. There were five of us. They were all much younger than me, except Liv, a very pretty, stylish and voluptuous 38 year-old black woman, who started on the job a few years after me. We had never gotten particularly close, but we got along.
"He was teasing us with those pants. He wanted us to know it was big. They left nothing to the imagination," Liv said, dramatically.
"Oh my God, I think so, too! He totally did it on purpose." April said.
"You been quiet over there, Ms. Ellen. What do you think?" Liv asked, looking at me, as if she was owed an answer.
I'm such a terrible liar and I get really honest when I'm put on the spot, so out came the truth.
