She runs the blade of her hand along the seam in her jeans. For the hundredth time. A wisp of urine missed the mark when she relieved herself in the baggie. Even though it has been wiped clean, she obsesses over it. Her eyes are drawn back to the corner where the urine balloon lies under a napkin. It was a humiliating experience. Karen tired of looking at it.
It was also incredibly surprising. Paul's kindness is something she hasn't seen in a long time. She never asked for forgiveness, nor does she think she deserves it. She knows what she's done. She's just not sure why. Things got out of hand and she kept the pedal down without care for the consequences.
For awhile, she went off the rails. The freedom to make emotional decisions independent of her role or responsibility was exhilarating. She never felt like she was given licence to follow her heart. All her life she conformed to the roles that others set before her. As the oldest of five children, she was forced to grow up fast. When her mother unexpectedly died, she was forced to grow up even faster. She had to be responsible for them all. She never had a chance to be a reckless teen.
The separation from Paul opened a window of possibility that allowed her to reframe her existence. It came at a cost, certainly, but she thought that it was a price worth paying. Lately though, she's not so certain.
"I really had to pee," she whispers. The first words since they flew too close to the heart of an issue and backed off from the emotional resonance.
Paul shakes off his reverie and follows her gaze to the corner. "Yeah, you really filled that bag. It would have made a mess."
"It's starting to smell ripe in here." She sniffs herself surreptitiously. "Paul, do you think we might be here all night?" Her voice quivers. She knows now to bleed vulnerability into her tone for full effect. But this time, it is genuine.
"Well. Yeah. It has been a few hours and we haven't heard a thing. Our phones are useless and the emergency equipment is dead. Other than banging on the wall and screaming, like we did the first hour, I'm out of options."
"I am starting to feel like I'm coming apart at the edges."
"I know what you mean. Being alone with my thoughts right now isn't working. Do you think we can chat without tearing each other's eyes out?" He flashes a hopeful smile.
"I need to focus on something outside these walls. Please, Paul, distract me."
"You were so confused, but sexy as hell with that cute yellow jacket," he says. His eyes twinkle and she knows that he's referring to their first meeting.
"Oh god, don't go there," she says, but laughs.
"And yet I must!" He dons a theatrical air. "For it must be told how the world's lamest joke led to a whirlwind romance and eventual marriage." And eventual divorce, left unsaid, but hangs between them.
"I told you, I wasn't confused at the joke. It was your bizarre Canadian accent that had me blinking."
"Do you recall the joke, though?" he asks.
"Why did the student bring a ladder to the Long Room at Trinity College? To get to the top of the reading list. You laughed at your own joke."
"No, I was laughing at how you scrunched up your little nose in confusion."
"As to why a guy hitting on me in the heart of Dublin sounds like he's fresh out of Toronto."
"Bleh, wrong coast, my ignorant American bride." The laughter dies on his lips as he tastes the word 'bride'.
She averts his gaze when she sees his discomfort. "Better times. We rocked Temple street that night."
"I was an innocent Canuck getting his undergrad law degree. I wasn't prepared for your level of wild."
"Just a delicate flower waiting to be plucked, eh?"
"Well, I was untested in the ways of love. You were the experienced one. Guess that's still true."
"You weren't that innocent."
"I was a virgin. At 23!" he exclaims. "You had a lot to teach me."
"It wasn't like I was the whore of Babylon. I had a lot to learn too. We learned together."
"I wish you kept that in mind when you set out alone."
"The things that made me fall in love with you pulled us apart. You know that. I adored your brilliant mind and incredible work ethic, but it eventually squeezed me out. I was, I am, so proud of you. Your career has taken off and you are achieving all of your dreams."
"Not all of them."
"Your professional dreams. You're killing it. I felt like I was holding you back, sometimes."
"You balanced me, Karen. Your support kept me afloat through many late nights when I was trapped at work."
"And where do you think I was through all of that? Living the life? No, I was alone at home. That got old after awhile Paul. I don't think you realize what that was like."
"I was building a future for us."
"I didn't know that 'us' was a part of it. You never talked about your career--"
"I signed NDA's! I couldn't talk about it at all. They'd have fired me, or worse."
"And can't you see how that would impact our relationship?"
"So you felt lonely and decided not to wait for me?"
"People don't plan those sort of things. At least, I didn't. That's the truth. I wasn't looking for it, but when it came knocking, I wasn't strong enough to send it away. Wait, no, that's not true. I was strong enough." She finds his eyes and locks onto them. "The truth is, Paul, I didn't want to stop it. For the first time since our early days, I felt alive again. I thought you'd notice, but you were blind to it."
"I was," he whispers. "I was truly blind to it all."
"I meant it when I said that I thought you'd fight for me." She raises a hand, forestalling an argument. "I'm not picking a fight. I'm telling you what I thought. Ok?" He nods slightly, if reluctantly. "The point is, I wanted a fight. Period. I wanted something to shake you out of your routine and wake you up. You got me - and you moved on to the next challenge. I'm not an object for your collection. You placed me in our home while you went out to slay dragons in the world. You were confident that I'd be on the same shelf where you placed me, but you forgot that I have hopes and dreams and passions of my own. I am too young to be placed on a shelf, Paul." She stops herself as anger bleeds into her words. She is delving into a sensitive area, like digging around a rotten tooth. His silence encourages her to continue. "You were wrapped up tighter than a drum when I met you. I taught you how to relax and let your hair down. You flowered into something amazing and I felt that I found my soul mate. I truly did Paul." He's crying; she can't stop now. "Then we settled into domestic life and you dove into your career. Every time I tried to talk about my issues, you dismissed them."
"I don't recall you talking about being miserable."
"I guess I have a hard time being direct. Kind of like the swinging stuff, I approached it indirectly. I often talked about Kim and Jen and their experiences. I thought you'd connect the dots, being such a smart guy and all."
"Wait, so when you were talking about Kim looking to step outside of her marriage because Keith ignored her, that was actually you?"
