You think through the important decisions in life. What you DON'T think through are the thousands of day-to-day choices that can just as easily shunt you down 50 miles of bad road.
This is about one of those.
I awoke in the middle of the night to discover that my wife had rolled over on my hand. I sleep with my arms extended. I don't know why? Ask my mother. Maybe my crib was too wide.
Anyhow, I awoke to find that my hand was completely trapped under my wife's belly, about a quarter inch above her slit.
One option was to carefully slide it out. But it was completely underneath her and I was concerned that the movement would wake her up.
The wife startles easily. And whenever she DOES, you get the dreaded "MOVE OVER". Most husbands recognize that tone. So instead I chose to slide my hand down the final quarter inch. Why did I decide to stimulate my wife in her sleep? It was probably, because I'm a well-known pervert.
But I also thought that she might roll off my hand, if I got her dreaming about other things. PLUS, there was just the outside chance that she might wake up horny and I would get laid.
In any case, my index finger WAS already bathed in all of that honey. So I began to ever so slowly move it around on her clit. It was hot down there and it was getting very humid.
Her breathing accelerated into a loud wheeze. I listened to her panting for a few seconds then I thought "Hmmm?" So I increased the pressure.
This was going to be fun. Maybe I would give her a sleeping orgasm.
She was moaning rhythmically, but very quietly, and producing little "mmmm" noises. Her hips were making small involuntary humping motions on top of my hand.
I was feeling pretty full of myself, downright diabolical.
That is until she started to whisper, "Mmmm, fuck me Jack, fuck me!"
I stopped in mid twiddle. The problem is that my name isn't Jack.
I abruptly withdrew my hand. She made complaining noises, pulled the covers over her shoulders and said "MOVE OVER".
See!! I told you!!!
Then she rolled onto her side; facing away from me, and went back to regular sleeping sounds. I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking, "Who the fuck is Jack! And why is he in my wife of 17 year's dreams?"
I was more mystified than alarmed. After all, she was sleeping and as far as I knew "Jack" could be her pet name for Leonardo De Caprio.
We have had a very good marriage and throughout all of those years I never had the slightest suspicion that she would as much as THINK about being with another man.
Then the devil that sits on my other shoulder reminded me that she was still a very attractive 42 year old woman with a shapely body. And I was a fifty year old semi-geezer.
We met at a party. She was trained as a teacher, but she was working as a development editor for a book publisher. I was already well established as a writer.
I never would have been at that party if I hadn't been dragged there by my literary agent, Sid. He thought that I didn't, "Get out enough".
He was right about that part. I had spent the early years working as a writing-whore for any odd job that paid more than a buck.
Without the money to take a girl anywhere, the best that I could expect, social-lifewise, was a score with a drunken college chick at a Columbia frat party.
However, between my book series and the articles for magazines I was comfortable at that point, if not exactly rich.
I had had the usual short affairs throughout my twenties, but none of those women did anything for me. Instead I stayed home; A LOT.
Beautiful is easy to find. But beautiful and possessing Dorothy Parker's combination of intelligence, wit and good humor, now THAT is a rare commodity.
I spotted her right away. She is exceptionally well endowed in the boob department. And given my fascination with those captivating female appendages - I blame my mother again - I homed in on her like I was a cruise missile and she was downtown Baghdad.
She had a pretty face, a downright wicked sense of humor and she was a writer too. I didn't take me more than six nanoseconds to realize that she was THE ONE.
I won't bore you with the details of the pursuit and capture.
Suffice it to say that I also discovered that she was exceptionally talented in areas that were not evident in her public persona.
I have always equated high intelligence with extraordinary bedroom skills and if that assumption is true then this girl was Einstein.
I proposed one bright fall day, down on one knee next to the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. We were married that December.
The first kid came along two years later and we added another two years after that.
We had a perfect life together. We both worked in the writing business. So we never lacked for things to talk about.
I was making really good money at that point and she was not doing badly herself. So we traveled a lot. She was my best friend.
We moved out onto Long Island. She took up golf. I golfed with her, wrote and we also sailed our little 27 foot C&C.
We spent a lot of summer nights anchored in Long Island Sound making the boat rock.
In fact, our sex life was as perfect as the rest of the moments in our life. She would frequently and expertly fuck me.
And she was totally uninhibited and perfectly skilled in the art of giving and taking maximum pleasure.
With such a fulfilling existence, it is perfectly understandable that I wouldn't think twice about the strange happenings of that night.
That is, until she walked into my home office five days later leading a tall, good-looking late 30s, early 40s fellow with a shy almost diffident air about him.
I work at home and although she still has commitments in the City she is also mainly based there.
So we have a quiet space in the house that is devoted to "contemplation and creative thinking". Of course the deep thought and inspiration that goes on in that room is impacted somewhat by having a 15 year old boy and a 13 year old girl as permanent houseguests.
She said, "Tom, I want you to meet Jack." The little voice inside my head was gibbering incoherently.
But I smiled and extended my hand and said," Pleased to meet you". Needless to say, I wasn't pleased.
So there really IS a Jack?