Author Notes.
There have been many firsts in my marriage, some pleasant, some fun, some scary and some that have tested me, tested us. I knew when I asked Sandy to be my girlfriend for the second time, and having listened to her reservations, that it wasn't going to be easy. On the outside, to family and friends, we had what could be considered a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but the reality was we had anything but.
I know at the time, deep down, when I agreed to Sandy being able to 'see' others, that I had done so in the hope she was kidding, that I would be enough for her, and if she wasn't kidding, that she would eventually grow out of 'playing around.' I certainly didn't foresee how I would in fact come to be fully on board.
At the time I didn't think of myself as being that kind of 'guy' you know one of those that got off on his girlfriend screwing around, hell to be honest I didn't even know it was a thing. I didn't fit the bill, I was nobody's fool, played sports, and although I didn't go looking for trouble, I could stand up for myself.
But looking back why would I even agree to Sandy's demands if at some subconscious level I wasn't already 'that guy'. Without realising it I was, for want of a better phrase, a wittol in the making, a stag perhaps, maybe a cuckold at heart! This was something I would come to terms with.
But then were Sandy's demands, demands? Demands might be the wrong word. It would be more accurate to say that Sandy had made clear her 'intentions,' rather than demand I agree to let her see other guys. In effect my future wife had given me the option of sticking around, and even though she had no intention of stopping, Sandy had given me, us, the chance to make whatever it was we had work. Or, we could, as she thought might be best, remain the good friends with benefits we already were.
This is how I remember coming to terms with how I was feeling.
Sandy, having read what was my first draft, thinks I'm embellishing, even romanticising, rewriting history. She remembers these times as well, a time when we were still finding our feet - but says she'd have been more likely to tell me to get over myself. I reminded her that these are my recollections.
So yes, some memories are closer to the truth than others.
***
First Time Seeing Sandy with Another Guy.
When Sandy and I moved in together I was over the moon; even though she said she was going to continue meeting up with other guys. As we settled into cohabiting, I had my suspicions, but at the same time Sandy, if anything, underplayed things. I like to think she did that for me. Sandy definitely wasn't so crass as to announce she was going out on a date; she didn't flaunt or advertise what she was doing or if she was seeing anyone. At most she'd simply say she had made plans to go out and roughly what time she'd be back. It was the same whether she was going out to meet up with her girlfriends or a man - like I say, I had no idea. I didn't ask and she didn't tell - and for a time it seemed to work.
We had our own love life and we weren't shy, we were quite adventurous, well it seemed so at the time. We even got to the point where I would go down on her 'after' we'd made love. Sandy loved that I would do this for her. To be honest it had been her suggestion, but not something I'd shied away from, and not something I didn't enjoy in my own right. She'd chuckle about how dirty I was and then kiss my face clean. I guess I liked her 'bossy' demeanour, I liked that she liked and wanted and demanded sex. My rewards were the best blowjobs a man could wish for.
Then that night came when I saw her being dropped off outside our flat following 'a night out'. That was the night when time seemed to stand still. With the implicit understanding she'd been with another man, she invited me to eat her out -- and I did. It had been so surreal, a defining moment, so hot. It was an experience for both of us, I didn't realise it at the time but it cemented the nature of our future marriage. I do know it helped that I was rock hard when I did it.
Suddenly unquestioned invitations from her, for me to go down on her became routine. There was lots of dirty talk but without anything being spelt out, I knew what I was doing, and what Sandy was wanting - as did she. The best part was, I never felt judged, it was just us having fun and it got Sandy off big time.
Then came the incident where I'd unintentionally caught her kissing another guy, that had truly felt like a kick to the gut. I don't know why, maybe because I hadn't expected it, or perhaps I never thought I'd actually see her doing something like that. Sandy's flings had been propelled from the abstract into reality. Theres the notion of fight or flight, on that occasion my first instinct was to take flight, to get away. Sandy never said but I think how I reacted scared her too. We got past that.
Then came the 'first' time of which I am writing now, the first time I came across Sandy out with another guy. I'll be honest, in the moment I felt unsure about it, not because she was with someone, I had got used to that idea... No, it was because of Sandy's reaction at seeing me and from what she said. What followed was a brooding resentment on my part.
But out of that... Well read on.
Oh, and remember, it may not be exactly how it happened, it may be more how I'd have liked it to have happened, but either way - the end results were the same.
***
I'd started a new job; been there about two months. It was okay, the people working there were okay, but it wasn't my idea of permanent. However, it did give me an income until I found something I did want to do. One of the guys was getting married and the other guys wanted to take him on a boy's night out, it wasn't his bachelor night as such, just a works thing, a piss up. Wanting to fit in I accepted the general invite.
After a night long pub crawl, we ended up in a local nightclub. To avoid being turned away at the door because we were a large group we split up into two and threes. When I got in, I told the two companions that I was with that I'd get the drinks in. As I was queuing at one end of the bar, I thought I saw Sandy standing at the other end, well it looked like Sandy from behind. My first thought was that she must have come to the club with some of her girlfriends. I knew she'd gone out; she usually did on a Friday night.
I made my way over to her; she didn't seem to be with any other girls. Feeling sure it was Sandy, I tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned and saw me, she jumped. I'd like to say she was pleased to see me but her immediate reaction told me otherwise. Sandy's expression said it all, and the words that followed were quite accusatory. "WTF? What are you doing here...? Are you following me?"
Before I could answer she was startled again as someone came up behind her with two drinks. His first words to Sandy as he handed her drink to her and looked at me was, "Is everything alright?"
He was clearly letting me know she was with him, marking his territory to who he thought was someone chancing their arm.
Sandy for the merest few seconds seemed flustered, then the confident girl I know and love came to the fore. Taking control of what could be an awkward moment she turned to her companion and said, Mathew, this is John..." Then looking at me, "John this is Mathew."
Then she said something that hurt, I subsequently found out from Sandy that she didn't think or realise her words would. She thought she was just being diplomatic, trying in her words to avoid an awkward situation.
She turned to this Mathew guy and said, "John is my flatmate..." Only she didn't end her sentence there, no she carried on, "John is my flatmate...s boyfriend."
I tried not to show it but at that moment the bottom dropped out of my world. I hadn't really thought of how she would, should introduce me, but I wasn't expecting this. Sandy relegating me to be the boyfriend of some fictitious flatmate. My first questions to myself were, 'Is she was ashamed of me, of us, of our relationship?'
What I did do was fumble and mumble out a few sentences, almost apologetically saying I was out with some friends from work. Sandy's smile by now seemed perfectly normal as she took a sip of her drink and leaned into her companion as if to say to me, 'Well, fuck off, don't let us keep you from your friends.'
I think I said something along the lines like it was nice to meet him and that I'd see her around. As I went back to queuing at the bar, I saw them walk off into the darkness that surrounded the dancefloor, his arm around Sandy's waist, her arm around his.
I took my friends their drinks and couldn't stop thinking of Sandy and how she'd addressed me in front of the guy. The more I thought the more irked I became and, in the end, told the group I was making tracks, to loud cheers I lied and said I was on a promise at home.
When I got home, I sat and brooded on the sofa. It must have been 2.30am when I heard the door open as Sandy let herself in. I got the impression she was surprised to see me still up. Sandy smiled as if she'd just come home from any other night out. She saw the half uneaten pizza I'd bought and took a slice and asked if I was ready for bed. I didn't reply.
After a minute or so in the kitchen she returned with a glass of water and seeing me still sat silent in the dark asked, "What's the matter."
I just looked at her.
Sandy then asked, "Well are you coming to bed?"
I didn't move.
The next thing Sandy said was, "Okay John, what's going on?"
I managed to croak "Your flatmates boyfriend?"
"What?" Sandy seemed genuinely perplexed.
I felt my throat tighten. "What the fuck Sandy."
"What? I'm sorry - I'm not following."
"In the club... You said I was your flatmates boyfriend... Have you any idea how that made me feel."
"How do you mean 'made you feel?'"
I held up finger and thumb to indicate 'small'.
Sandy still looked perplexed, puzzled. "I didn't mean anything by it."
There followed a minute of silence that felt like ten. Sandy was still standing in the doorway, the kitchen light behind her shining into the darkened living room.
As if she had to say something Sandy spoke. "I guess I just thought it would be easier?"
"Easier, easier than what?"
Becoming annoyed, "For fucks sake John, how the hell would you have had me introduce you, I didn't exactly have time to think... What did you expect me to say... 'Hey Mathew, here's my boyfriend, don't worry he won't bother us?'... I can imagine how that would have gone down"
I snapped. "Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Do you think I'm a wimp? Did you think that's what he would have thought, that he would have judged us, you, me?"
