I write this at the request of my best friends Jay and Carol. It's a thank you and a constant reminder of the loving ways they have shared themselves with me.
Jay is my best friend, the kind of friend that you only meet once in a lifetime. We met at a social event, a bar, and just connected. It was during a rough time in my life and it was pleasant having a real friend to talk to. I think he was searching too for something more in his life as well, so we just hit it off. We had been friends for a couple of years and there wasn't anything he didn't know about me as I did him. Both married with wonderful wives, he was just a few years older than me. We began to work together on some projects and the need to escape to bars drifted away. We knew each other's kids and their successes and their problems. It was just a great relationship that had grown between two men.
I was having some real problems at home with my wife and always used Jay as my sounding board. He was a very good listener. I suspected my wife, Vicky, was having an affair since she showed no desirers for me intimately. I hadn't any proof, but couldn't understand her lack of interest in me. After months of agony with this, Jay encouraged me to discuss it with Vicky. I did, the wrong way of course, but no real answers were forthcoming. Several months passed by, I now slept on the couch full time. I had no desire to be next to a woman in bed that didn't desire me intimately.
Jay advised me that either a divorce was coming or I had to accept the ways things were. I tried talking with Vicky again, this time not from a "your fault" attitude. I had decided I would release her to have her affair as long as we continued our life together. I wanted her to enjoy an intimate relationship, something I hadn't known in months. She insisted she had never nor would she ever have an affair. I was blown away with that, why did she not wish to be intimate with me? What had changed that she didn't desire me? I would be willing to do anything to regain that desire from her.
And then finally, she told me it was her. Sex really hurt her, the pain was increasingly progressive each time and she had lost any desire for sex. As I began to get into the specifics with her, she said any penetration was painful; my size had nothing to do with it. She could still handle the oral stimulation and it's orgasm, but anything inside of her brought immediate pain.
Months passed by, trips to doctors offered little help. She had a nerve disorder and the only treatment was a numbing gel application. Unfortunately the numbing gel numbed more than just her vagina, it numbed me. Even if I wore a condom, what was the point? It was just me getting off; she received no pleasure or feeling from my actions. And then there was always the time when the cream wore of and she could feel the pain from being stretched earlier. It was definitely back to square one.
I moved into the guest room so I could try and put separation between us at night and remove the possibilities of intimacy. Months went by and I realized I had to accept Vicky for what she brought to the marriage and somehow had to make sure she didn't feel the guilt of removing intimacy between us. Jay encouraged me and provided a good support for me. Carol knew of our struggles as well, we were that close. She assumed Vicky would offer me oral stimulation or even anal intercourse, but Vicky was not into either. Vicky would have been devastated if she knew the Jay and Carol knew about our sex lives. Carol suggested that she talk with Vicky about offering herself to me in those ways so as to give me some intimacy with her, I declined knowing Vicky's distaste for either.
As months turned into years, I was torn between having secret affairs or remain without. I chose affairs, yet found them totally lacking. The sex might be great, but the other needs an ongoing relationship required were beyond my control. After several failed attempts, trying to find an ongoing affair appeared out of reason. I just could not offer anything other a "booty call" approach and that wasn't going to work for any women I met. I didn't want to continue the search anymore or the efforts involved in pursuit of a lover. There were months on end that it was my priority in life to find that women, so much time wasted.
Through out these years, Jay had remained my friend and regardless of my good or poor decisions, he was there for me. He understood my reluctance to search for lovers. We even visited a few massage parlors together to enjoy "womanly pleasures", but that was not at all desirable. Jay didn't understand at first why a pretty, young whore couldn't satisfy my needs. It was hard to relate to him it was about mutual desire. Although these young ladies were quite capable of providing any and all requests, it was still just a one-sided thing. I'm not sure he understood, but Carol did. Back to square one again for the third time.
Several months passed by and Jay knew I was sinking into a self pity thing. We tried some hobbies together, but at every turn there was this sexual urge building in me and he knew it. I tried desperately to stay busy and not put myself in situations where I found a lady with possibilities. It was a very difficult year.
One Saturday afternoon, I was having lunch with Jay and he proposed a very awkward offer to me. He said that he had been talking with Carol for several months about me and his desire that she offer herself to me sexually. Although Carol understood her husband's request, she just couldn't do that. I knew Carol had never been with another man before she met Jay, or at least that was his understanding of this. Over time and I'm sure lots of prodding from Jay, Carol agreed to try it if I would be interested. Jay and Carol were older than me. I was 52, Jay was 62, and Carol was 61.
