But like I said I still had someplace in the back of my mind that I missed out on something special. The dating, the courting, the chase, it was all missing. And yes, sex with different partners. On nights like this on trips sitting around a table with the girls I would hear of getting fucked or making love. The dancing and how some guys would compete for their attention. Some would tell stories how they targeted a guy and how they finally won him over and then after the conquest send him packing. I wanted so badly to experience those things, both good and bad.
But I didn't cheat. There were two big reasons why I held out. The first was Pete. I loved Pete and I didn't want to see him hurt. I didn't care about what I would lose in a divorce as a house and money are all just material possessions that could be replaced. What I feared the most was the betrayal. Pete loved me more than life itself so for me to crush him by betraying his trust would kill me. To have him think less of me or to think he wasn't man enough for me was devastating. The second was my children. I wanted them to grow up in a home with a mother and father. If I divorced Pete to go out and experience what I felt was missing would mean we would end up sharing the kids. Whoever got full custody wouldn't matter as we would still see the kids. But I had no desire to be a part-time mom or have Pete only get visitation rights. Just the sound of that phrase visitation rights sounds so clinical and unloving."
"So what happened to change all of that?"
"It was a few years ago when I was out in LA that changed everything. I have been doing this for many years and like I said I have always been hit on. There was this one gentleman that was a regular at the show, David. For years he would flirt and he never got farther than a handshake. This time, however, when he asked me if I would like some company at dinner I said yes! I thought he was going to drop dead of a heart attack. Now don't think I got all made up and dressed sexily for dinner. I didn't plan this so all I had was my work clothes and besides if I all of a sudden started to dress on the slutty side I would draw attention. But we dined and talked and had a few drinks and I tell you I loved the attention! We touched hands, I flirted, he had his hand on my thigh and I felt electricity like I was hit by lightning. I did let him walk me to my room and I did kiss him goodnight. And it was not a peck on the cheek. It was a long deep romantic kiss in the hallway as I leaned against my door. He thanked me for the evening and I went into the room and collapsed on the bed. I felt so turned on and satisfied and I felt no guilt. The satisfaction wasn't like sexually satisfied. I was satisfied that I did something I had wanted to do for a very long time and I was satisfied that I could do it again. As far as anyone who saw us knew we were two businesspeople having dinner. There was some small talk; some casual touching that may pass the husband test and a walk out of the lounge. Now the kiss at the door was a bit much and something that needed to be avoided in the future but I think what I realized is that I now had the means, the trips, and the method, the business look, to continue to take this further.
So my reasons for not cheating had been the betrayal of Peter and the kids. The kids grew up and went off to College. They were now adults and on their own. That left Pete. Could I now betray Pete? I kept saying no but the little voice in the back of my mind was saying what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Didn't I just prove that I could get away with it? I didn't have sex but I was with another man. What if I just continued to flirt and have dinner and maybe a kiss or two? I decided then that I would continue.
For the next three months, I did just that. When a guy that hit on me that I felt attracted to and comfortable with I would have dinner, drinks, flirting, and then we would make out. I made certain that part was out of sight. We would take a walk out of the hotel and find a nice place in the park or in a corner booth in another bar. Again, we looked like two adults enjoying each other's company. Not a hooker and her John.
But then things changed. The scheduling of the trips was constant and consistent. I was now set to be back in LA and I was with the same guy I had met months ago, David. Just as last time he asked me to dinner and I accepted. However this time he didn't walk me to his room. He instead slipped me his room card key and said he was going to his room. If I would like his company to just come in. If I didn't arrive within an hour he would understand. As he left I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. For months I was fulfilling a need, the need to flirt, to date, to experience the give and take of romance with another man. But I always ended it where I felt was a comfortable and safe place. Would Pete be angry at what I had done? Certainly. But would he divorce me? No, I don't think so. But this is the line. This is the line that once crossed there is no return. Is it worth it? Do I feel confident enough that I could do this and not get caught? Could I somehow think that betrayal only occurs when caught? No, betrayal doesn't occur when you are caught, betrayal, in my case, occurred the moment I let these guys kiss me and I allowed them to lay hands on me. I already cheated. But in my mind I was safe. I wouldn't get caught and Peter would be safe, as he would never know.
Earlier I mentioned that my husband and I use condoms. Using them when I cheated would be a must. I didn't want to bring home a surprise to my husband. I know they are not perfect and you can catch an STD from kissing but the risk is greatly reduced when using a condom, even for oral. By my buying the same brand I used at home reduced the risk of getting caught should I forget to throw out any leftovers before I left the hotel. If Pete all of a sudden found another brand at home I would have no way to reasonably explain how they appeared. I left the Hotel lounge and went to the next-door pharmacy and bought condoms, paying in cash. I went back to my room, freshened up my makeup, removed my bra and panties, and went to his room.
I knocked once and used the card key to enter. The room was dark, lit only by the lamp in the corner. David was sitting there and as I entered a look of confidence came over his face. He stood, went over to the desk and I saw he had the entire making for a Manhattan, my drink of choice. He put the fixings in a shaker and as he was shaking the drink he looked over to me with a satisfying grin. I felt arousal come over me like never before. My nipples were so hard I thought they would tear holes in my blouse. Without saying a word I slowly undid the buttons of my blouse pausing a bit before I slipped it off my shoulders letting it drop onto the floor. I then undid the zipper of my skirt and it also fell to the floor. Slowly I walked over to where David was standing. He filled the glass with ice, then poured the drink and handed it to me. Staring into each other's eyes we took a sip and then all he said was "magnificent". After that sip all I can remember was lying on the bed feeling fully satisfied. I should have felt guilt or remorse but instead I felt joy and complete. We had sex again that evening and then I showered, dressed, and went back to my room.
That was the beginning of my end. For the next four years, once a month, over the course of several days, I would have sex with someone who was not my husband."
"Well excuse me for saying but that doesn't sound all that bad. Why would you tell me to not do it? Sounds like it was a great four years".
"Oh it was, but like the saying goes all good things must come to an end."
"Why?"
"I thought my plan was foolproof. Use condoms, don't change your dress, don't do anything in public view, keep to the proven routine."
'What changed?"
"Kevin, Kevin is what changed. It was the trip to Minnesota that was my downfall. Minnesota was always Kevin. On this one trip to Minnesota, Kevin was a no show. Apparently, Kevin left the company and in his place was a new guy, Steve. Steve was new to that company having just come from a competitor in Boston. Steve was my age, good looking, single, and a huge flirt. We hit it off very well and just like the others he invited me to dinner and one thing led to another and I found myself in his room in his bed for two nights out of the three. Just as before I stuck to my routine but being confident in what I had been doing for so long and having been used to the guys I was with I had skipped the normal small talk of our personal lives. I never asked much about him and his past and he asked nothing of mine. It was all flirting and get to the sex part. Honestly, that wasn't a problem for me. The fun of the chase and the dating had long been gone. It was now about sex."
"So what was the problem?"
"When I returned home nothing was different but two weeks later just before my next trip Peter said we were going to host a cook out. Apparently, an old friend of his from his hometown was in the area and looked him up. He hadn't seen the guy in years and they were very tight and he felt bad for not keeping in touch. They had exchanged emails and some phone calls over the years but neither one had taken the initiative to get together. I told him I thought that was sweet and I would be on my best behavior. I would play hostess and they could catch up. So you know where this is going, right?"
