Caden's Tale

After work Monday I went home, took a short nap, a shower, I shaved, and just generally tidied myself up. I stood there in front of the bathroom mirror and looked down at my limp penis and thought about Jeannie. I gave up. I sat down on the toilet seat and I cried. I could really go for Jeannie, yeah I could really go for that girl, but I knew...

I drove over anyway; might as well face the music, this relationship was like the Titanic, big strong healthy guy but the propeller was too fucking small. Wasn't that it? They had the oomph and the determination; the propellers just couldn't get the thing turned in time.

When I got there and knocked; she opened up right away. Jesus she looked pretty. She'd done her hair in a new way; it was like how those Amish women wear their hair with a bun in the back but with the hair neatly held in place on the sides by tight, very feminine braids. I wish I knew what the style was called, but with the pale green blouse, white apron that came up over her shoulders, and knee length pleated dark brown skirt I thought all she needed was one of those little white caps. Damn, even worse the apron was tied off in the back with a neat white bow. Of course, with the eyes, the ears, the smile, the cheeks, the...I couldn't come near to finishing the list, she was just so adorable. I wish...

I handed her some flowers I'd picked up on the way over, "Here," I said.

"Oh," she said, "they're lovely. I'll just get them in a vase." That's when I noticed the flowers on the table. She was one jump ahead of me.

She started toward the kitchen, "Come on in. I stopped and got some chicken. I thought, instead of pizza I'd bake tonight so it'll be a little while. You can help by snapping the beans while I get the potatoes in the oven. You like baked potatoes?"

I replied, "I love baked potatoes, but come on you don't have to go to all this trouble."

She smiled back at me while she opened her oven, "Yes I do."

While I snapped beans she washed two potatoes and put them in the oven. Then she sat down across from me and suddenly waxed serious, "Caden we've got to talk."

I saw she was serious, but it didn't occur to me it was more than maybe concerns about the office. I said, "OK, what?"

She folded her hands on the table. She looked at me, "You're what twenty- eight maybe twenty-nine?"

"Twenty-nine," I said.

"I'm thirty-one, and an old thirty-one. I'll be thirty-two in a month. I'm older than you. You've been with the firm, what, five years?"

"That's right," I said. I started to add, "Look if you're worried about..."

"No," she said, 'It's not about our jobs. It's about us, you and me. I mean if there is an us, a you and me."

I smiled, "I think there is. I'd like to think so."

She hesitated just a second and then, "You know how many four letters words you can get from your last name?"

I was stumped, "No, never thought about it. Why?"

She said, "I can get forty-seven words from your last name. Sounds crazy I know, but you're all I seem to think about. Know what else?"

I was clueless, "No what?"

"I lied about the party. I mean I lied that I couldn't get someone to take me. I had several offers. I wanted to go with you. Know why?"

This was interesting. I wondered where she was headed, "No maybe you could tell me."

"You've been with the firm five years. I've been there eight. I remember the day you came. All the girls do. You're the kind of guy every girl dreams about. I guess what I'm saying is you're a dreamboat. But you were pretty busy; Angela you know, and then you married her. I, I mean we, we watched you change. I'm sorry but I'm glad you're divorced. I'm glad for two reasons."

I was listening. She absolutely had my attention. I said, "Go on. I'm listening."

"OK," she said, "you know what a shrike is?"

I said, "No."

"A shrike is a big predatory bird. It's said that it attacks and destroys other birds. It'll ruin another bird's nest. It'll kill their chicks. I mean they say it's a bad animal. Sometimes in stories and in movies writers will describe a woman, I mean a wife who destroys her family, who undermines and harms their own husband and their own children as being a shrike."

I'd never heard of the term and didn't know what to say, but I felt like I had to say something. It was appropriately stupid. I said, "Really."

Jeannie said, "Yes, really. From what I've heard these women don't even know they're doing it. They lie to themselves. They'll lie about everything. It's like they can't handle happiness."

I nodded and added, "You've been doing some research. I would have never thought of something like that."

Jeannie went on, "I didn't think of it. I didn't bring it up first. Madeline O'Meara. You remember her; the woman who retired a year or so back. She was the first to use the word to describe your ex-wife. Madeline said it was like Angela had cut open your chest and was eating your insides out, and that she was so 'sick' she didn't even know what she was doing."

I reacted, "She said that?"

Jeannie kept going, "Madeline said more too. She said you were one way at work, but whenever Angela was around at parties and such you were entirely different. It was like you were afraid of her. And she explained to us how Angela used what she called 'special words' to make you act and feel insecure.

"What words? What kind of words?" I asked.

Jeannie hesitated then added, "They weren't bad words, but they were mean words. You know words that could have two meanings. She'd talk to you and say 'little man' or 'my little guy', or 'little fella'. Madeline said she was talking about...your thing. You know. Your penis. Madeline said she knew that was what she meant because Angela said things, and I heard her too. She said things like, 'you couldn't carry the water, and 'you couldn't deliver the goods.'"

I was getting nervous. I knew I was starting to perspire, but Jeannie was so wound up...

"She cheated on you. We all knew. Angela even bragged about it. She said it was fun, that she needed it. Oh Caden..."

I started to squirm. I'd just about finished the beans and decided I needed a glass of water. I got up to get a...

Jeannie reached across the table, "Oh Caden don't get mad. Please don't leave."

I responded, "I was getting a water," I pointed toward the sink.

Jeannie jumped up, "No here. I'll get it. I don't want you to go. Please don't get mad. I'm sorry. I know I went too far, but there is the second thing. The other thing I want to say."

I accepted the glass of water and took a healthy draught. I really didn't want to hear any more, but I still sat back down, "OK."

Jeannie took her chair. Suddenly I thought she looked a lot smaller. It was like she wanted to crawl inside herself. I wondered what the 'second thing' was.

Jeannie's eyes were huge. She stammered and then said, "Well I watched you...in the office...coming and going to work, the times when we worked on something together, and at the office affairs. A couple times I even followed you home."

She paused, she hugged herself, she sighed, "Well I guess...I know it sounds stupid I pretended you'd deliberately chosen to be with me on some of the projects, that like you'd picked me out. I guess...well I sort of...I kind of...,"

She was barely whispering. Her voice was so low and quiet I could hardly hear her.

She said, "Oh, I just, I guess, I just, well...I sort of...fell in love..."

I was shocked. I replied, and maybe a little too loudly, "You what? You mean with me?"

Jeannie sniffed and fidgeted, "I'm sorry. You don't have to stay..."

I blustered right back, "No I want to stay," then I got scared. My mind did flips. What if? What if she? Performance. My...what if I?

It was my turn to stammer, "I'm very flattered. I admit I've always liked you. I like looking at, I mean being around you. I think you're sweet."

'No,' I thought, 'I didn't mean that,' I rephrased my comment, "I mean I think I've always had a special feeling for you too. I mean you're a hard worker. Like the other Friday you were staying late loading the computer. Or like when we were compiling data this past fall regarding performance reviews. Mr. Perth and Mr. Moravia wanted somebody we could trust to keep things discreet. It was on my recommendation that they chose you to work with me. I'm saying you're very professional, and you're well...you're...very easy on the eyes, and you're..."

She said, "So we can be friends? I wouldn't..."

Stupidly I asked, "Wouldn't what?" As soon as I said it I was sorry. I didn't want to risk a good friendship because of my...if she...saw...found out.

Jeannie kept squirming. She was obviously very uncomfortable. She very softly said, "You've heard about me. My...uh...reputation. I'd like it if we could be...more...you know, but we wouldn't. I mean we couldn't because I know how men feel."

I sat back and rested my right arm on the back of the chair beside me. As I looked at her I thought, 'Such a melodious voice. Everything she says sounds like poetry'.

I had to take the edge off so I leaned forward and smiled, "I've heard. Yes. I've heard. But the things I've heard, coming from men like Lionel Spearman and Chad Everest; they don't, well. They don't ring exactly true."

It was Jeannie'd turn to sit back, "Lionel Spearman. I knew it had to be him. Can I say something and you not get mad or call me a liar?"

"I won't call you a liar," I said.

"Look I'm not a virgin. Gee, I lost that right after high school. I was pretty 'fast' you know? I think when my dad died I lost it; and I lost any ambition to do anything except get in trouble. I never broke any laws or stuff, but I did things that hurt me. I ran around. Then with help from my mom, my aunt, and especially my brothers I got back on track. I went back to school and learned a little English literature, but mostly I learned a lot about myself. I got through at Frostburg, applied at a lot of places and got a job here with Moravia and Perth. Caden I was back to being serious about my life."

I nodded; it felt somehow good to hear all this. She was really opening up.

"Caden," she added, "I came to work at Moravia & Perth and I fell in love. This was before you came. Anyway I thought it was love. What it turned out to be was how I got dicked around by the office Casanova. He was good too. I believed everything he said. Then he got tired of me, he dumped me, changed jobs, and got married. I was so down!"

I said, "I bet it must have hurt."

"It did, oh it did," she said, that was when Chad showed up. The Casanova must have told him things because Chad really turned on the charm. He got me on the rebound. I was so stupid. Yeah Chad Everest 'got me'. Then I heard he was telling everybody about it, and how easy I was. I got mad and dumped him; that was when Lionel started. I wasn't having it. He got impatient and said he wanted to fuck. I told him to fuck off. He got pissed and started spreading rumors that he'd gotten me too, and that I was really easy, a tramp."

I guess I must have looked a little disgusted. I kept thinking Chad Everest, and then Lionel Spearman?

Jeannie brought me back to earth, "OK, Chad 'got me', but for sure not Lionel, but he kept gabbing, and pretty soon, well you know the rest. Now I'm the office whore. All right I admit it; Chad got me, but he took advantage. Lionel's just a creep."

She paused, clasped her hands together and said, "You can leave now if you want. I wouldn't blame you if you did."

I reached across the table and took her two hands, "If you don't get the chicken in soon it'll be midnight before we eat, and then I'll be late for work again."

So we got the chicken going, and we had a tasty dinner. Jeannie apparently liked to cook, and I was good with that. I wondered if she had any other 'domestic' inclinations, but I figured tonight wasn't a good night for any more discussion.

After dinner we curled up in her sofa and watched some stupid stuff on the LMN, that's the women's' channel. The History Channel had something on about Russia in World War Two, but I'd already seen it a couple times so I guess the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks thing was OK.

We didn't exactly cuddle, but Jeannie had her head on my shoulder and I let my arm rest over her back on the sofa. We didn't touch much, and I was glad of that. She said she was sorry a couple times. I guess she was sorry for giving it up to Chad Everest. Honestly, I couldn't quite get my brain around that.

Chad Everest was a mountain all right; a mountain of shit. Thinking about him and Lionel talking about Jeannie made me want to punch them both right in the nose. I could do it too; I have two big brothers who used to tear my ass up on a regular basis. For sure I was no marine, and I didn't have any Karate or anything, but I could always hold my own. The more I thought about it the more fun I thought it would be to see good ole Chad on his ass holding his nose with blood squirting out of it.

I left her apartment a little after 11:00 p.m. We did share a brief kiss and a promise to have dinner again real soon. We agreed on Thursday at my townhouse. I'd fix something.

When I got back to my townhouse I had a glass of Jack Daniels. It's a little tart compared to Jim Beam or Makers Mark, and it's more straight whiskey than bourbon, but sometimes I needed something like that. I thought about Jeannie, but I thought about Angela more.

The thing about the 'shrike' made sense. I could see it. Angela most certainly loved me, but she must have been afraid. Afraid of something like maybe I'd leave her so she had to find something, some way to keep me tied to her, then she fucked it up. but what about me?

Why did I ever marry Angela? Well for one thing I had fallen in love with her. I wanted to protect her. I'd watched my dad; he looked out for my mom and us boys like he was a guard dog. I wanted to be like him. Funny, now I wanted to look after Jeannie.

I tried, but couldn't fully sort it all out. I read in some literature class how people are driven by two powerful and often contradictory forces. First there's rationality; we identify a problem or a goal, and we work it all out. The second, and this is scary; there's the emotion thing. Things like anger, fear, hate, love; they trigger chemicals in the body and we end up doing things that unravel all our plans. Sometimes people do stupid things even though they know what they're doing will ruin their lives.

It was bigger than me. I decided to leave all that stuff to the philosophers.

~~v~~

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were great. Jeannie and I had worked it out that we'd cell phone at certain times, and we'd both lunch in the small office cafeteria, but we'd stake out places that kept us apart. It was neat to sit and talk to my colleagues and see her a few feet away laughing and talking with her girlfriends. Every once in a while she'd glance over in my direction, a placid little smile would flutter across her face, her girlfriends would look at my table, they'd get quiet, and then start laughing and talking again. Everybody knew something was going on, but nobody knew what and nobody said anything.

About the two men. Chad was out of the office most of the time, but Lionel was around every day. He'd bullshitted his way around for several years, but Mr. Perth and Mr. Moravia were both on to him thanks to my and Jeannie's fall intra-office work ups. 'Too bad ole buddy', I thought. I'd probably be the one to write up his recommendation, ha, ha.

~~v~~

It's Thursday night!

Jeannie got to my house just before 7:00. I had a great meal planned; lasagna, garlic bread, and a great tossed salad with Caesar dressing. I knew it was going to be good because I'd called the best Italian restaurant in the area and had it brought over. No I don't cook.

Jeannie got in. I took her coat, and opened a bottle of great red wine. I knew the wine was top notch because it had a cork and not a twist off cap! We had the wine, and then we ate the meal. She complimented me, I showed her the packaging, and that brought even more profuse praise.

Dinner out of the way I got out the brownies I'd bought the day before. I'd kept them in the refrigerator so they'd stay fresh. We each had a brownie.

With all the food out of the way, and the plastic plates in the trash we both settled in to watch a DVD I'd picked up. It was just something I knew she'd like; "Pretty Woman" with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. I'd read where that was the all-time favorite 'woman's movie. Yes sir, I pulled out all the stops. We nibbled on some Hershey's kisses and drank some more wine while we watched the movie.

She looked as beautiful as ever in a brilliantly white blouse and dark brown slacks. I wore a white shirt, but had to change when I got tomato sauce on it. She thought that was funny. I did too.

Before and during dinner we talked nonsense; mostly stuff about work. During the movie we didn't talk at all. I wondered how many times she'd seen the thing; she seemed to know all the lines.

As the movie wound down I decided to bring up a more serious topic. I had my arm on the back of the couch and just over her shoulder. Our faces were very close; we had good eye contact. I said, "You know Jeannie I've thought about you a lot. I'm not saying I'm in love, but I sure do triple decker like you. I believe, given half a chance, something meaningful could happen, but I can't allow it."

She looked up at me. She blinked those big green eyes, she bit her lip and said, "I understand. Most men are like that; damaged goods and all. Go to bed with her, but nothing serious, nothing long lasting, nothing that would go anywhere," she touched my hand, "I'd like to keep trying though."

I leaned back. She didn't get it. I had to clear the air, "No Jeannie it's not you, it's me. It's about my...problem."

She was really nonplussed. She said, "Problem? What problem?"

I thought she knew. She'd just about said as much Monday night at her apartment, "My penis. You know. Like what Angela said."

Jeannie just stared at me for what seemed like forever. Then she looked down, lifted her legs and let her nylon covered feet rest on my coffee table,. She whispered, "So you think you're...inadequate."

It occurred to me how much I trusted her. I nodded.

She folded her hands in her lap, looked at me, then looked off a little and asked, "You don't suppose I could see?"

I blundered, "You want to see? No way!"

Surprising me; she twisted around, slid off the couch, and knelt on the floor, "Lie down," she said as she started to pull me down on the couch.

I resisted, but she was adamant. She said, "No come on lie down on your back. I've seen a few. We're going to find out about this deep dark mystery."

I let her push me down. She unbuckled my belt and unzipped my fly. While she worked to get my pants down she sort of muttered, "Come on lift your butt a little and help me get these down."

At that moment I was as much concerned about possible shit stains as I was my small pecker. I had on a pair of white boxers. I thought, 'What could be more embarrassing than to not only have to admit to a humiliatingly small cock, but then to have stained drawers as well.'

I desperately pleaded, "No Jeannie. Please don't."

She just wasn't listening. She got my pants and drawers down around my ankles.

I was stupid. I let her.

So there it was! My dick in all its horrifying smallness for her to see. At least my pants hadn't been stained. I looked down and saw the shamefully insignificant thing and felt terrible. I wished I was dead. I said, "There. Satisfied. See what I mean?"

Jeannie looked confused, she said, "No I don't get it."

I said, "Well look. Can't you tell? What do you see?'

She said, "I see your penis."