Burn

Apologies for this self-indulgence. I'm just sticking this up here because I'd overindulged in this category and was reacting to all the drama. Why not a character who had enough scars and maturity not to need to prove anything and would just get on with what was important? And maybe ex-Special Forces not played by John Wayne? There are quite a few out there! Then I threw in a bit about stuff I knew something about to try to make it interesting, so don't complain about not getting your money's worth.

BURN

You hear about or read about it; a husband (or a wife) somehow seeing their partner screwing someone else. The two most popular reactions seem to be either being destroyed emotionally or, in some odd cases, being turned on by it. I don't know what I felt. Maybe it was shock. I had had no clue and I wasn't sure I wanted one now. I know I felt a bit of nausea but it wasn't so much disgust as just a need to clean myself out. It's a common reaction when surprised by a threat; part of that fight or flight reaction.

Some people say I think too much and I know I must have seemed unemotional at that moment. My mind seemed fairly clear but I had just lost a whole bunch of framework for my life, both for the last few years and for the future. There just weren't any other good options that I could see. I turned and headed down to the basement storeroom area. My work area was a bit messy but I knew what I was going to be doing (probably) and what I'd need. I certainly wouldn't have space to take everything I'd accumulated but it wasn't the first time Id had to make do with what I could carry. I was able to gather what tools I wanted over by the basement exit to the parking area in back, sorted into several carrying bags and cases. Same with the camping gear, my laptop and kindle and a portable solar array for charging things. I wouldn't be able to load anything until I got the topper on the pickup and hooked up the trailer but it was handy and ready.

I also got the rifle and pistol that were down there in a fairly secure place that I was pretty sure Janice didn't even know about. She didn't believe in guns. Her business and she's never had to be in a place where she needed one. They weren't a fetish for me and I was aware of their limitations. They were just tools like the rest of my gear and I took them out to the pickup. They were in a hard case along with some ammunition and cleaning supplies and both looked as good as when I'd stored them there three years ago when my father died. The rifle was a M-1 that he'd carried through northern Europe and the pistol given to him by a German officer who wouldn't surrender to anyone else. After checking them, I put the case on the floor in front of the back seat and covered them with a blanket I kept there along with both first responder's packs.

Then I called work, got ahold of the area organizer and explained that I wasn't at the job site I' been sent to and that furthermore I was quitting without notice and would be in touch in a week or two with information so that he could forward anything he thought he owed me. Dave is a pretty good guy for a boss so he paused for a couple of beats for thought and then just asked mildly, "Why?"

"When your brother, Gary, used my chain saw last week he said it wasn't cutting right. Given his way with tools, I checked it over and the bar wasn't bent but the chain didn't look too good, so I stopped to pick up a couple more chains. Imagine my surprise to find him here fucking my wife!"

"Oh shit. Miles, please don't...."

"Don't worry Dave. They're both fine, or they were when last I saw them, and any damage they take from this will be self-inflicted. I have better things to do. It's been good working with you. Goodbye."

He was still attempting to form a coherent thought but I disconnected and got back to it. I realized that if I was thinking clearly, I would have put off talking to Dave until last. There was something about his reaction though... I was pressed for time now, since he'd be heading over as soon as he could get away and I had less than an hour, depending on traffic. I grabbed a duffel and a suitcase and headed back upstairs.

They were still going at it. I had to hand it to Gary; he had a lot more staying power for this than he had for anything else I'd seen him try, but my entry still seemed to throw him off his game. My former wife as well. Screams ensued along with thrashing around, groping about for clothing, the usual sputtering denials of reality. I'd kicked his boots under the bed as I'd walked past the foot of it, which provided a bit of comic relief. He finally scuttled out barefoot.

Janice kept trying to cover herself, which despite our five years together seemed oddly appropriate. She was no longer my wife and fuck what the law said. She was hale and healthy and able to support herself. Her kids were grown and not mine and she had no need of me, obviously. I ignored her, grabbed the clothes I thought I'd need and the go-bag from the back of the closet along with the small case with important papers and the majority of my ready cash, and headed back downstairs. I was glad all the bags had straps and I could make it in one trip.

I left them with the tools outside the back door, and backed my truck under it's the topper on its stands. I had lowered the topper into place on the back of the pickup, pulled the stakes on the supports, tossed supports, stakes and braces into the trailer, and was clamping the topper down when she showed up and started in about needing to talk and loving only me and... Ah well, you get the idea.

I moved the pickup, hooked up the trailer, and pulled over to the door. "Milty, you've got to listen. This was a terrible mistake and I know you're hurt but believe me, it will never happen again and you have to forgive me. You just have to!"

God, I hated it when she shortened my name like that. Sounded like she thought she was talking to a child! I sighed but started loading. Most of the tools would go in the back under the topper; the rest in the trailer with the flame cap kiln and a water tank that was bolted to the front. Clothes in the back seat, go bag in the front, camping gear on top of the tools for now. It's good to have a plan! Meanwhile, I answered my former partner.

"Janice, I don't have a lot of time to talk and I'm pretty sure you have even less inclination than I do to listen. We've talked a lot over the last 5, no 6 years, and there's obviously a bunch of stuff that neither one of us understood about the other. Too bad, but that happens to lots of folks; it's not just you and me."

The tools that had to have protection were under the topper in some sort of order. I could fiddle with that over the next few days. "Now I have been listening. There are just three things you mentioned that I'd like to address if you want to listen. If not, we're done talking." She was blubbering and hyperventilating so I stopped and got her to take a couple breaths and hold them. It took more than a few tries but she finally calmed down a bit and said that she'd listen.

"Okay, first me being hurt. So what? I'm not some teenager worried about not getting the date he wanted for the prom and somebody else getting laid instead of me! I am 65 years old and have experienced pain, disillusionment, and what have you before and I'm still here. You saw the tail end of what I went through the last time I came back when we first got together. You have to know I'm not fragile!" But you also have to know that I have a method I have evolved that works for me. I deal with mitigating threats and I try to work with a small crew, because that's where my experience is and because it's cleaner if you've got good agreement among the people on the team. You've been screwing that worthless piece of shit, Gary, who only was allowed to hang around because he was Dave's brother and keeping it secret, which means I cannot trust you or your stability and commitment to anything and we are no longer partners."

The tools that went with the kiln were in the trailer and secured in place. Chain saws in the front next to the water tank. I'd fill that before I needed it; I didn't like to drive long distances with a full tank of water sloshing around on curves and when braking. The kiln was six panels that hooked together and they were laying on top of the heat shield panels that also directed preheated air onto the flames at the top to improve the burn. There was a battery-powered pump/sprayer mounted on the tank with a thirty-foot hose and spray head as well as a couple of backpack sprayers. Then there were two pulaski axes, a couple of rhino tools and rakes and an old sharp peasant hoe, which were useful for helping to spread, cover, and quench the coals which made the water go further, various kinds of shovels including a couple of scoop shovels, and a bagger stand and canvas bags to collect the char. The hoops were in place, so all I had to do was pull the canvas back over them and tighten it down.

"Now the last two points, and they're both pretty crucial. You mentioned that I had to believe you. You know how I was when I came back and you know how much I distrust belief. It acts like blinders on a horse and enables others to control me and letting you control me is just not that appealing! It also distorts perception so I always try to find other bases for understanding or action, No offense but no belief. Also, since you've been keeping some pretty shitty secrets from me, no trust.

You mentioned forgiveness. That is something that the various christian sects set great store by but you remember my position on belief. I am not christian and I have not been for some time. Be that as it may, forgiveness is a foreign concept to me, either giving or receiving. It tends to gloss over stuff that is too important. Mistakes are worthless unless you can own them and figure them out. Then they're important opportunities; painful or at least uncomfortable but real learning always is.

This doesn't let you off the hook for whatever you're defining as a mistake. Errors happen all the time and you may not even realize that has happened at the time. That's why we review as a group repeatedly and pay special attention to what didn't work as planned, ways the equipment or process could be improved, missteps we made and how they occurred, all that. That's how I need to work. But you have to have a good team to work that way. Otherwise, it changes into blame and backstabbing and things fall apart fast. Dave was unhappy and worried but he didn't seem as surprised as I was and now I wonder how much others knew about this. So I no longer trust any of them and if there's no trust, there's no basis or reason to work together.

I don't see any way to restore that trust with either you or the rest of the team but maybe, if I'm not a part of it, something can be saved. Not my circus anymore. I want to get going before Dave gets here or I'll be stalled explaining all this again and late getting on the road and it will be harder to find a place to set up tonight and I don't need the aggravation. At all! Good luck."

Dave would be here soon and they could figure out what they were going to do to replace my equipment for the demonstration burn we had scheduled later this week. That was their problem. Mine is keeping my shit together and getting on with things. There was a lot of biomass out there being burned every day as trash and I was going to spend whatever time I had left here at the end of my life, changing as much of it as I could to charcoal and putting it into the ground where it would sit for a long time. Would that be enough to make a difference? Probably not but it was better than sitting around and it was a lot more interesting. I'll just take my broom and attack the tide, as another old warrior did, and we'll see.