Born on Third Base

Going "Commando", with no editor and only my meager grammar skill, so please, do your best to muddle through-and as always, remember, it is just a story...

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"You were born on Third base, do not go through life thinking you hit a triple."

My teenaged twins Alan and Justine rolled their eyes as my husband Richard repeated the phrase, they had been hearing their whole life.

"Mom," Alan pleaded before taking a sip of his water. "Get Dad to stop! Next we are going to hear his school of hard knocks speech again!"

Justine grabbed a butter knife and pantomimed stabbing herself in the chest. "Dad, I swear I will really do it this time if we hear one more time your life story walking uphill in the snow both ways to school while carrying a horse on your back."

My husband, Richard, grinned good naturedly at his offspring while pointing a bread roll at the two youths, " Step lightly, just because I loved you both at one point does not mean I will always love you. I am not Whitney Houston."

I smiled at this dinner table exchange, it was a proud moment for both Richard and me. The children had just been accepted into one of the best Universities in the country. If Richard were any prouder the buttons on his shirt would be bursting.

"Richard" I started, "Do not be trying to rain on the kids parade. This is a great accomplishment. Your kids are going to have the chance to rub elbows with some of the children of the best families in this country!"

"Yes

Karen

, not to mention getting an education." Richard said dryly

I waved my napkin at him. "Why shouldn't our kids take advantage of their opportunities? Just because they are getting a little head start is not a bad thing. If they do not take advantages of these opportunities, others will." Richard rolled his eyes as I continued." What? You wish everyone should just ignore their station in life? Life is not fair. If you are being chased by Zombies, who wouldn't trip the person running next to them."

My daughter Justine waved her napkin like a white flag. "Truce, Truce you two." Everyone stopped as Justine spoke. "I was really worried about getting admitted, our acceptance came so late. What about you Dad, were you worried?"

Richard leaned back before answering. "No, not really. In the real-world people care about what you can do, have done, not what school you went to. Sure, most times connections will get you up to bat. But it is still you that has to hit the ball."

I rolled my eyes "In real life, it is who you know and where you went to school. Over 12 of the recent US Presidents attended an Ivy league school. How many Presidents came from Mumford Community college? Besides, I never had any doubt you two would get in. After all your Grandfather went to school there. I cannot wait to tell him."

"Yes, when is next visiting day at Club Fed, Karen?" Richard said, now he rolled his eyes.

Alan and Justine started laughing as I shot Richard a dirty look. "I don't like when you call it that. Dad is at a minimum-security facility until his appeal is heard. It will all be over soon."

"Yeah Mom, in 12-15 years." Justine giggled.

Richard buttered a bread roll as he said "Karen, your Dad got caught on camera giving the councilmen a briefcase full of cash and an audio recording negotiating the bribe for his law firm to handle all bond work for the city."

"It was all a misunderstanding" I said. "Besides the families law firm was one of the first in this city. The Feds shutting it down was just malicious. "I clapped my hands "This weekend is visiting day; your Grandfather will be so happy to see you and hear about your acceptance."

Both kids groaned. It was a 5-hour car ride each way to the middle of nowhere where their Grandfather was incarcerated.

"Sorry Mom" Justine said. "I got to work a shift at the store this weekend."

I turned toward Richard "We own the convenience store. Get JoAnne to have someone cover for Justine."

Richard shook his head. "Nope, Justine is on the schedule and it would not be fair to JoAnne to cover her shift."

Now I was getting pissed. "So that old dyke JoAnne is more important than your daughter!"

"No," Richard said, shaking his head. "My store manager JoAnne is not more important than my daughter, but JoAnne is more important than your jailbird Father." I gave Richard 'the look', he and my Dad had never gotten along.

"Karen, I am sorry for the mean hurtful accurate things I said to you about our jailbird Pops. Besides, I must visit some of the stores in the south part of the state, I'll be back early next week."

"Fine" I turned toward Alan "It will just be Mommy and Me Road trip."

Alan groaned as only an 18-year-old can. "OK Mom, but only if I get to drive the Beemer."

+++++++

"Alan, make sure you put all those settings back!"

I was sitting in the passenger seat of the BMW while my son Alan was in the passenger seat adjusting controls, fussing with the touchscreen interface, pressing buttons and going through menus I did not even know existed on the car.

"I am serious Mister. Last time after I let you drive, the damn car was buzzing and beeping, and my phone was vibrating and dinging for a week."

Alan just laughed "Mom, that was just your phone syncing up so you could ..."

"Blah, blah Blah" I said, "I wanna drive my car, not pilot the space shuttle, do you understand? Did you put your Grandfathers package in the trunk?"

Alan shook his head as he adjusted the side mirrors. I opened the car door and had just gotten out when my phone rang. It was my old college roommate and the kids Godmother Terri.

"Hi Terri, we were just on the way to see my Dad upstate. So how is my oldest friend? "I said, leaning against the car.

Terri laughed, "Karen, we will be friends forever because we are too lazy to find new friends. I am on my way to the courthouse, I just called to congratulate you about my brilliant Godchildren acceptance to that snob school."

"Thanks Terri, we are all very excited."

"Now, Karen you know I love my Godchildren so much I would take a bullet for them, not anywhere fatal, but like in the leg or something, but how did they pull it off? I know their grades were good, but not THAT good. Did you get Richard to pry open his wallet and make a substantial donation?"

It was a running joke between Terri and I about Richards attempts to get me to stick to a budget. Richard had not grown up with a lot, and thus had a different set of values about money than I was raised with.

I looked down to see Alan still fussing with something in the car but lowered my voce anyway. "I may have had a little something to do with it"

There was a bit of trepidation in Terri's voice "Oh God, Karen what did you do?"

"Nothing really, just a little hand on the scales to tip it in our favor."

Even through the phone I could hear Terri groan. "Don't tell me this is like the hand job you gave that cop back when we were in college to get out of driving drunk."

Even though the new BMW was almost soundproof, I glanced down to see Alan was deeply engrossed with his phone and not paying attention. "Well I did kinda take matters into my own hands, but this was completely different Terri, for one thing it was not a cop..."

"Karen.."

"...and it was not a hand job."

"Please Karen, please tell me you did not do anything stupid"

"It was not stupid Terri, it was Brilliant! I just hooked up with the head admissions officer at the school"

"Hooked up? What are you Karen, 18 years old? You do not 'Hook Up' with anyone, you are married, and to a great guy I might add."

"It was no big deal, besides, I did it for my kids. It is not like I was cheating or anything."

"Yes Karen, it was cheating. You believe Richard is gonna think giving a hand job is not cheating."

I looked again to see that Alan was still deep into his phone and even had his headset in. "Richard is never gonna know, and it was more than a hand job, but still no big deal."

"So what? You sucked off some middle-aged college administrator and somehow you are OK with that?"

"Terri, why are you so freaked out by this? I roomed with you remember. I saw some of the creatures you brought back to our dorm. Besides while it was the Head Admissions guy -it was just sex."

"Whoaa girlfriend, Sex? I know you; this was just more than a blowjob wasn't it?"

I bit my lip and made sure Alan was still zoned out on his phone. "Terri, do you know how small the acceptance rate is for this school? We are talking the BIG leagues here."

"Oh, I am sorry Karen, I did not know" Terri replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Did you give him the girlfriend experience? The kids get a better class schedule when you let him do anal?"

I did not say anything.

There was a long pause when suddenly Terri exploded. "You let that guy fuck your ass? You have bitching for years about Richard bugging you and you telling him no."

"Terri, I only let the guy get my ass the second time...."

"SECOND TIME! You fucked this jerk more than once!"

Now I was getting a headache. "I had to get both kids in, so yeah it was two times. The admissions guy said one time for each admission."

"Well that makes sense," I heard Terri say her voice even more full of sarcasm. "I am sure payment services schedule was spelled out in the admission brochure. So... how was he? Was it worth it?"

"Oh my God Terri! He was awesome!" I said. "The guy had the body of a Greek God and the stamina of a Porn Star, I lost count of how many times I orgasmed. It was the best sex of my life!"

"Damn Karen! I am both horrified and jealous." Terri exclaimed. "You are one and done right, no more, right?"

"Are you kidding Terri? Of course, I am going to keep seeing the Admissions God! He played my body like a violin. How am I ever going to be able to go back boring old hubby Richard after mind blowing life changing sex like that. In fact..."

Terri interrupted me, "You listen here ..." I could not hold it in any longer and broke out in a gut busting laugh so loud Alan looked up at me from the inside of the car.

I switched my phone to my other ear and moved a few steps away from the car to be out of earshot of my son Alan, just in case.

"My God Terri, you are the most gullible person I know. How are you a lawyer? The admissions guy was a pasty pale middle-aged overweight slob, with a combover and hung like a 7-year-old. Screwing that jerk was ...well I would say awful, but that would be too kind. The only good thing I can think of is it was fast."

"Lord, I hate you Karen," Terri giggled. "You suck."

Now I was giggling. "Never! Well only this one time to get something I want. Look Terri I gotta go, But I appreciate you keeping this between us as friends."

"Karen, I appreciate your friendship so much, if we got into a fistfight, I would not hit you in the face a lot

."

I put the phone back in my purse, and walked toward Alan, still sitting in the BMW.

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It was a few weeks later when I called Terri in a Panic.

"I AM FREAKING OUT!" I almost yelled at Terri. "Have you seen the news"

"Whoa, slow down girlfriend, I am in the car, let me put my hands free on." There was honking in the background and I heard Terri yell at someone "Pardon my driving asshole, I'm reloading."

After a few minutes Terri came back "OK, Karen what is the big drama today?"

I tried to control my breathing. "The University Arrests! The FBI is arresting a bunch of people for bribing school officials to get their kids into top schools. Some real rich and famous folks, like the lady that played Aunt Becky on the Full House TV show even got arrested."

There were a few seconds of silence before Terri spoke "Let's not get too panicky yet, remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'Shit! A truck!' "

"DAMNIT! This is not funny; I could be in deep shit."

"Sorry Karen, I was just trying to get you to lighten up. But you are right we need to get ahead of this."

"Terri, you're the lawyer, what should I do?"

"I practice Real Estate law; you need one of the guys in our Defense division."

"Works for me, you still got the guy that got off those Wall Street Scammers?"

There was hesitation before Terri spoke. "Ah... yeah, I can pull some strings to get you in. But Karen it is like twenty grand just for first meeting, and..."

"TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!"

"Yep" Terri continued. "and that that is just the retainer. You do not even want to know what the hourly billing after that is, and if it goes to court well..." She trailed off

I switched my phone to the other ear. "My God, Richard is gonna have a heart attack."

"Maybe you could use the firm your Dad did?" Terri offered.

"You mean my Father who is in PRISON. I should use THAT law firm. Great idea, maybe the penal system has Father & Daughter Visiting days for Richard and my kids." I shook my head. "I am not having lunch on the Governors tab, please set up a meeting."

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For the next few days, I was like an addict and could not stop looking for news about the School Scandal that law enforcement had dubbed "Operation Varsity Blues".

I could not believe that Reporters keep saying the Government was going to try to give jail time to the people they arrested. When did it become a crime to use what you had to get a better life for you and your children? I almost vomited when the Government lawyers and cops in their ill-fitting off the rack suits at press conferences spewing all that nonsense about equal playing fields and gaming the system. Like they would not do the same thing if they had half the chance!

Terri let me know that their "Big Gun" lawyers' receptionist had penciled me in for a conference, however, I needed to have $25,000 deposited into the firms account before they would confirm the meeting.

The past few days I had been trying to soften Richard up with our bedroom activities, but the stress of everything made me seem like a bad porn actress. Richard had even turned me down last night, a first in our marriage. So tonight, after dinner. I had made sure the kids were not home and approached Richard in the den.

"Richard, Honey, we need to talk."

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Richard looked up at me from his highbacked chair.

"Actually Karen, we do not need to talk." He pointed at his laptop on the coffee table next to a Buetooth speaker. "What YOU need to do is listen."

Richard leaned forward and pressed a key on his laptop.

Suddenly out of the speakers came the sound of my voice

"...

I only let the guy get my ass the second time...."

"SECOND TIME! You fucked this jerk more than once!"

My vision started to gray out as the conversation between Terri and I played on.

"So, how was he? Was it worth it?"

I was stunned, but snapped out of my stupor "Richard..."

Richard put his hand out for silence, then muttered "Shhh, this is the best part."

I stared at the speaker as if it were a live snake as it poured out more venom ",..Are you kidding Terri? Of course, I am going to keep seeing the Admissions God! He played my body like a violin. How am I ever going to be able to go back boring old hubby Richard after mind blowing life changing sex like that. In fact..."

Richard leaned forward to tap the space key. "Sadly, that is where it left off, but I think we both know how it ends."

My brain was in lock down "Richard, where did this come from!"

Richard shook his head. "You are like Rapunzel, except instead of letting down your hair, you let down everyone in your life. This came from our son Alan." Richard looked away "do you know embarrassing it is to have your own children come to you with something like this?"

"Our children Justine and Alan know..."

"Yes KAREN," Richard said in a sneering tone. "Alan, heard you the day you went to visit prison Pops, I doubt I would have believed my own son if he hadn't recorded your little bragging session from the connection in your BMW." He closed the laptop. "Although it seems I need to have DNA testing done to confirm the 'Our Children' part

"Richard, I'll handle our children. And they are OUR Children." Richard snorted as I continued "what you are hearing is not the truth..."

"Really?" He interrupted "I should not believe my lying ears? Karen, you do know that lying thru your teeth does not count as flossing."

"Richard, you need to give me a chance to explain."

But Richard did not even glance at me as he closed his laptop. "Sorry, I did not hear you, I was busy not giving a shit

."

I grabbed Richards arm. "Please, what you heard is all out of context, the whole conversation. I did this for the children."

Richard gave a snort before answering. "Karen, if you are not the dumbest person on the planet, you better hope he does not die if you think I am going to believe your line of crap."

Now I was in a panic, I spewed out everything about the sex with Admission guy to get the kids into school. But no matter how I tried to spin the event, even to me it sounded like a dumb slut move.

Richard rose from his seat as he picked up his laptop. "Our lawyer will be in contact with you about the divorce papers, we can both use him, or you can get your own, but every dime you we spend on attorneys comes out of the settlement."

Now I was frantic. "I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE!"

"Karen, you can't seriously think we are going to stay together. The kids are going off to school, so how about we just take some time away from each other, like FOREVER!"

My mind was spinning, I was desperate for something, anything...

"Richard, do you know how expensive I will make this divorce for you!"

Richard laughed "Do you know why Divorce is so expensive? Because it is worth it!"

"Richard, WAIT! I cannot believe I am saying this, but we actually have a bigger problem."

I saw him shake his head "Well, Karen it is good to know that fucking around on me is not your #1 issue. Tell me, does screwing random men for favors even crack the top ten of your concerns?"

"I am serious Richard. I could go to jail."

"Karen, you may be selfish lover and bad in bed, but that is not a crime and we do not stone or jail people for adultery in this country."

The 'bad in bed/selfish lover' line stung, but I held my tongue. "Richard, listen please..." and I explained about the investigation and what this could mean, the attorney fee and ending with "...so we need $25,000."

Richard sat back down and looked at the ceiling as he spoke. "Three things come to mind. #1 -Karma is a bitch, #2-how is this MY problem and #3- I cannot give you $25 Grand, even if I wanted to."

Now I was pissed! "Bullshit RICHARD! We must have that much in an account someplace, we can mortgage the house, take a loan out against the stores. YOU could get it if you wanted too. It is ½ MY money..."

"Actually, Karen it is not ½ your money." Richard interrupted, as he held up a hand to stop me from talking. "Remember when your Jailbird Pops got convicted, what did they take?"

Now I was confused "YOU know damn well Richard the God Damn Feds took everything of Daddy's, his house, the beach house, the mountain cabin, all the cars and of course any money, even the secret accounts he had stashed away overseas. What does this have to do..."

Richard interrupted "The Feds did not take everything Karen; how do you get that new BMW?"

"It was money from the trust Daddy set up for me. Now who cares..."

"That's right, Karen the Trust." Richard interrupted again. "The Feds took everything, but your Trust Fund was protected and not touched. The Accountant who set that Trust Fund up was about the only competent person your Dad had on his team."

"So, what!" I spat at Richard

"So, Karen, after your Pops got caught, and goat fucked by the Feds, I got to thinking about it and hired the same guy that did your Trust fund to set up one for us."