Awaydays

The bathroom was cramped and damp. I could hear the floorboards creek as he moved. It occurred to me he'd have heard me pee. Not even Paul was that intimate with my bathroom habits. A girl needs some boundaries. Oh God! Paul! Was I really about to cheat on him?

I looked in the mirror and told myself 'You deserve this. All the times Paul puts you down. All the times people ignore you in meetings. You deserve some fun.' I was sick of being the nice girl everyone trampled over.

A second thought occurred to me. What if he didn't want to fuck me? Was I being presumptuous? We'd booked a room with a double bed but he loved Babyshambles. Maybe he just wanted to see the band and was too tight to get his own room. The gig wasn't an alibi that needed to be tolerated for him.

Nice Michelle would have left it at that. For once I wasn't being nice Michelle. I wasn't going to die wondering. I walked out the bathroom and launched myself at him.

His kiss was everything I imagined. It made me feel alive like never before. I wanted to see him naked. His physique was more muscular than the photographs Jen had shown me. When he was with her he was a bit scrawny. Most of all, I wanted him to see me naked. Somehow I knew he wouldn't complain about my small tits or make fun of my pubic hair.

Jen said she was a fool to dump him. She said his oral skills were reason enough to keep hold. She wasn't wrong. His tongue on my clit. His fingers inside me. More than anything it was his enthusiasm. It was as if he was enjoying it more than me -- if that was humanly possible.

When it came to returning the compliment Jen said he never lasted long. So what! Jen doesn't even like the taste of spunk. She'd never given him head and was proud of it for some reason. Jen might be glamourous, prettier and more popular than me but she seemed very tame in the bedroom department.

That would have been enough. I felt content. Valued even. I've very little memory of us fucking. Just that it was wonderful. I remember the come down as much as anything. The guilt. The horrible feeling I'd let people down. Not Paul. He could go to hell. I mean everyone who believed I was a nice person.

I still think about that night. I can't help it. He wanted more but I wanted to keep it special. It was too late by then. I didn't want to move to England. I couldn't. Besides, Jen was his second love, I wasn't prepared to be third. He must think about Jen every day. Apparently he's done well for himself in England. Jen might be a bitch but she did him a favour. He'd never have moved if she hadn't broken his heart.

Even if I'm just an after-thought -- a faded memory -- I hope he thinks kindly of me. I wish I could forget about the sex part. It was magic and I'll never regret it. Continuing to be aroused by it feels wrong. I want to remember his smile. His kind nature and generosity of spirit.

Paul is a spiteful, bitter little man but I don't regret staying with him. I pity him too much to cause him pain. It's obvious now. Paul was the strange kid shoving crayons up his nose while the other boys were swapping football stickers. He'd bore me for hours about how much he hated football. It appealed to me at the time. At least he wouldn't go missing every weekend.

It was Rangers who knocked first. I can assure you; Peter didn't pick that language up from us. I've never been so embarrassed. Paul laughed. "That's my boy!"

Mum says grandad might have been a Celtic fan. He was certainly Catholic but packed it in when he met my gran. It's in Peter's blood. Peter's a rare talent for his age but there's no guarantees. He's getting to the point distractions will come along. In a year or two Celtic could easily show him the door. That would break his wee heart but I'm ready for the conversation. I can tell him.

'You told Ally McCoist he was a cunt. Wherever you go in life, whatever you do, your dad will always be proud of you.'