April Fool - No Longer

Author's Notes: A simple little 750 word story for April Fools Contest. 750 includes only story and title.

BTW things like ********** are counted as words. So eliminate those if you count.

All participants over 18.

Please remember to vote and comment.

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"Damn," I muttered bending down to pick up the dropped cufflink. I didn't wear them often, but I was expecting a new, well heeled client at the office today and wanted to look my best. Something caught the corner of my eye underneath the bed. I reached in and pulled out a torn condom wrapper.

Stunned, I stared at it like it was a little green alien from outer space. It had no place in our bedroom, I was sterile from getting mumps for a second time when I was twenty. My swimmers didn't swim and condoms weren't needed in our household, something I'd confessed to my wife before we ever got married.

The implications? Staggering!

No wonder Amelia had been such a bitch the last few months. Short-tempered, angry and accusing about everything I did. I couldn't seem to please her lately.

I sat on the bed the new client forgotten tapping that wrapper against my thumb. I needed her gone and gone fast before she got a share of my promotion's new salary and bonus. An idea sprang out of nowhere and despite the circumstances, made me smile.

April Fools was coming!

I remembered a small bank charge to a drug store a few miles away. I thought it was unusual at the time because there were closer places, but it was only a few dollars. Not worth bothering over.

I went through the bathroom trash and then headed outside. Nothing had been picked up yet this week. Spreading a tarp in the garage I soon had more evidence. A box of condoms had been bought.

I made a few phone calls explaining my problem and smiled when I got the agreements I needed. A call to my lawyer was the last piece and we were ready.

April 1

st.

,

2019

"Oh my, look at this dear," I said shaking my head in disgust showing her the front page of the fake newspaper. "Good thing we don't need these. You take your life in your hands buying anything anymore."

Major Condom Maker Hit By Angry Former Employee

You'll Never Feel It Condoms laced with HIV fluids added to the lubricant

All current lots are being recalled.

Her face turned white and she staggered a bit making me wonder if she was going to pass out.

I went to refill my coffee, I needed to be closest to the landline when it...

"Rinnnnngggg."

"Hello?"

"Just a minute, it's for you Amelia. Some drugstore about something you bought."

'Hello, yes that was me. I'm the only one? Yes, I have used them," turning away from me so I couldn't hear. "They're doing what? NOW? Ahhh, Ok."

Hanging up the phone, "do you think you could go do something for me dear, right away?"

"Sorry babe, got to get ready." The doorbell rang, perfect. I went and answered it.

Walking back into the kitchen with a man and a woman following me, "babe, these people say they're investigators from the health department and need to talk to you about something you bought at that drugstore that just called."

The woman went first, "thank you sir, Ma'am we tracked your bank card and we need to ask you a few questions. My colleague needs to record your official answers on camera for our investigation."

"Do I have to?" she looked fearful now. I almost felt sorry for her.

"Ma'am in the state of California it's a criminal offence to lie or refuse to divulge information to an STD investigation. It's punishable by up to eight years in prison."

Amelia collapsed in a chair, the tears starting. The man had the camera up and running by now.

"Are you aware of the issue with 'You'll Never Feel It' condoms?"

I butted in, "I think you have the wrong person. I'm sterile, we don't need condoms. But we did see the headline in the newspaper this morning."

She ignored me, "Ma'am, have you used any of them?"

Amelia was quiet, sobs starting to wrack the air, "yes."

"We need names and addresses."

She named my best friend and two husbands we saw socially.

The doorbell again, "I'll get it," I offered.

The young girl snapping gum followed me into the kitchen.

"Amelia Johnston, you've been served," she said, handing Amelia a brown envelope.

Amelia stuttered, "wha...?"

"April Fools dear, you just streamed your confession to family and friends on Facebook. I won't be a fool for you any longer, get out!"

Author's Notes: April Fool Contest entry. Please vote and comment. It's the only payment we get.