The tears ran dry leaving Maggie's eyes swollen and red. She hadn't cried that hard and from that deep in her heart in a long time. The weight of losing Ben, again, was suffocating.
She knew she would never be able to rationalize these feelings to anyone. Her closest friends would think she had gone mad. This wasn't a crush or an ordinary love. It wasn't lust or a mid-life crisis. Ben was her soulmate. She had made a terrible error a long time ago. The years of accumulated grief and remorse came to a head and now Maggie felt desperate to make them right.
She pulled into the garage steeling herself for the rest of the day. If she took a second to wallow in her sadness now, she wouldn't accomplish everything she needed before her family came home. She drew a full breath and got to work.
Right on time, the garage door opened and slammed. Little footprints scattered across the floor and sweet voices called out, "Mama!" For the first time since she left the park, genuine happiness took over her heart.
"Hello!" she crooned scooping her kids in a tight hug. "How was your day?"
A flurry of stories told in hyper enthusiasm spilled from her two children's mouths. The excitement and passion contained in such small bodies always amazed Maggie. She adored being a mom.
As she was being debriefed on the antics at recess, the garage door opened and closed again. Maggie felt the pit in her stomach tighten.
"Hey, how was your day?" Maggie asked as her husband, Joseph walked by.
"Fine," his one word reply was something Maggie had grown used to and loathed all at the same time. She knew there would be only a couple handful of words between them for the rest of the night.
She wasn't sure when their relationship became so businesslike. Over time it had morphed into transactions involving credits and debits centered around home life. She dropped off, he picked up. She took care of the house, he the yard. The goal appeared to be to stay in their own lanes and keep any kind of feelings far away. She had long wondered where his loyalty fell within their union.
Per the norm, the evening was centered solely around the kids. After they were in bed, Joseph retreated to the basement and Maggie prepared lunches for the next day. She would climb into bed by herself, Joseph joining much later into the middle of the night. A chasm would form down the middle of the mattress that neither would pass over.
As she laid in the silence alone, she let the day's events roll over her. She loved Ben, Ben loved her, but they couldn't be together. A simple concept on paper.
The next morning Maggie heard her text notification, but she was busy at work and ignored it until lunchtime. As she unpacked her salad, she took out her phone and froze when she saw Ben's number. The message glared at her like a street lamp, "Call me when you can."
She balked at first, not wanting to put herself through the anguish of rejection again. What else was there to say? Still, her curiosity piqued and she was dialing the number before she could second guess herself.
"Hello?" That damn voice ripping down the wall she was trying so hard to build.
"What's going on? Is everything ok?" She tried to match his level of calm and failed miserably.
"Yeah. No. I... Leaving yesterday sucked. I've thought about it all night." The weight of his feelings hung thick from each word.
"It was hard. You left me this time and it didn't feel good to be on that side of the decision." Her honesty was unguarded and raw.
"I've thought about it a lot since our first conversation, and seeing you yesterday confirmed my decision. I can't imagine breaking up my family, but I can't imagine not seeing or talking to you again." Ben hurled the confession at Maggie.
A long audible sigh escaped Maggie's lips before she could answer, "I feel the same way, but I don't want to sneak around. I want you. I want to create an 'us.' I want to love your kids and you mine and make a family with you. I'm ready to jump, Ben."
There was a pause long enough to make Maggie question if the line had been disconnected. Finally Been responded, "I can't do that. I can't lose my family and I don't want to lose contact with you. Let's keep talking and see how it goes."
Maggie felt the sting of his words. He loved her, but that love wouldn't trump the love he had for his family and keeping them a unit. The decision was back on her shoulders. She didn't want to cheat. The hurt inflicted by that decision would be far greater than ending the marriage and being honest.
"Let's see how talking goes then, " Maggie said, a chip forming on her shoulder.
"Can we meet up for lunch on Friday?" Ben proposed.
"Uhm, sure, " Maggie was dizzy from the roller coaster of feelings and emotions from this conversation alone.
They firmed up plans for lunch and hung up. Maggie thought about the situation for the rest of the day. Although it was unfortunate that they would not have a chance to do life together, she decided that conversations and an occasional lunch were harmless.
Friday arrived and Maggie found herself giddy with excitement, yet again. She took care of her choices of dress, makeup, and hair. Ben made her feel beautiful inside and out, and she wanted to reflect that in her appearance. Not that any of it mattered, it was just a meal with a good friend, but still.
They had agreed to meet halfway so they could ride together and chat on the drive. Conveniently, they pulled into the parking lot at the same time. He waved her over, signaling she would be riding with him.
"Hey," Maggie said as she climbed in.
"Hey. You look incredible." Ben said as his eyes feasted on her toned thighs, one crossed over the other. "I thought maybe we would take a drive along the river before lunch if that's ok?" His stare traveled up her legs, paused at her bare shoulders, and finally met her eyes.
"Sure, " Maggie said with a shy smile. She knew he was taking in the sight of her, she could detect the lust in his eyes. His hungry gaze made her skin feel feverish. She hadn't experienced anything like this in years, and her head was swimming with excitement. She tried to reminded herself it was just a drive and lunch.
They headed east following the river. The scenery was beautiful. Massive trees overhung winding narrow country roads creating flashes of sun and shade on Ben's face. The sun glinted off of the water and a refreshing breeze flowed through the truck. Maggie took a deep inhale and closed her eyes, wanting to seal in this exact moment forever.
