Another Vice Pt 01

*****Prelude*****

Vices. Everyone has them, right? Call them what you want. In the end, it's all the same. You justify and defend them. You talk out your reasoning, pleading on your behalf like a charged felon. Anything to get people to see it the way you do, to not think of you as a nasty aberration, or a dirty creature. I get it. I truly do, because I do the same.

Maybe it's smoking, drugs, or drinking. Maybe you like to bet the ponies or let the dice roll a little too long. Perhaps you like to spend more than you make on material items. Or possibly what makes you tick is porn- both written and seen.

I'm not here to judge, because everyone has something that they aren't proud of in their life. Who gets to say one is worse than the other?

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Maggie had a ritual before she opened her eyes each morning. She felt discombobulated for the rest of the day if she didn't go through each step. It had become her religion.

She took four big breaths feeling her chest rise and fall. On the last inhale she lifted her arms above her head, stretching from her fingertips to her toes, wrists and ankles rolling in circles. Feeling her spine release the sleepiness of the night, she exhaled and melted back to the mattress.

With the rhythm of her next breath, she set her daily intention. This was her favorite part. She would cultivate a word or saying that she could come back to when life got chaotic or stressful. Key thoughts, that just by saying them in her head, would remind her of this place of peace and stillness. Another deep breath to rivet the intention in place. Another breath to thank the universe for health, strength, success, and now she could meet the day.

The bedroom boasted a large east-facing window, enabling the rising sun to accentuate the gold flecks in her green eyes as they fluttered open. It was self-indulgent to cruise through the early morning at an unhurried tempo, but it was her last piece of serenity before the rush of mayhem, also known as her life, hit her.

With the stealth and silence of a cat, Maggie crossed the room and pulled on some running clothes. Running with the rising sun was a baptism of sorts, washing away the previous night's dreams and worries. Timing each footfall with her breathing was medicine for her mind, something that she desperately needed to stay grounded.

Anyone that knew Maggie, had the same opinion about her; She was a kind and happy person. She was married with kids and lived in a beautiful home. She had a successful career and made time for volunteering and community outreach programs. She was the mom playing kickball with the neighborhood kids and the woman helping the elderly man to the car at the grocery store.

And all of this was true. Maggie was a good individual. But there was also a classified side that stayed hemmed out of the way of day-to-day life. An identity that no family member or friend would ever entertain as even possible for Maggie to have a part in.

7:15 am and she was slipping out the front door, no one the wiser that she had left. By 7:20 am she was hitting her stride and already well over half a mile away from home. It was Wednesday and her goal was to be back home by 8:00 am.

Wednesday was vice day.

Often on her runs, Maggie thought about her current life's path. Of course, she knew exactly how this started. She was the one that initiated everything. Almost three years ago she had sent a Facebook message to an old college boyfriend. He wasn't just any guy though, he was her true love. The one that got away. The person she had thought of every single day for 15 years. She held a mountain of remorse for her decisions and had spent years wishing she had chosen differently. It wasn't like a typical mistake that could be shoved down, no, this one gnawed at her heart and conscience mercilessly.

When she had sent the message, her intent truly was to reach out and apologize for how she handled herself all those years ago. It was something that had consumed her soul with guilt. She wanted to clear the air, set things right, and accept the choice she had made. By doing this, she thought she would move on the best she could, understanding that she would always regret not choosing Ben.

Ben had replied to her message almost immediately. Opening his response made her heart mash against her ribs and her head whirl so unpleasantly she thought for sure she would faint. She could hear his voice saying the words he had typed, smooth and measured, just as she remembered.

Instead of telling her to go to hell and lose his contact, to Maggie's surprise, he asked for a phone call the next day. She knew she had shattered his heart in college, so the offer to talk stunned her. Not wanting to seem eager or intrusive, she sent him her number and said to call at his convenience.

The hours crawled by until the next afternoon. A million situations played out in her mind on how the conversation would go. She practiced staying calm and unemotional. She had to remain in control and not take flight like her senses were screaming at her to do.

Maggie's phone finally rang. An unfamiliar number came across and she knew it was Ben. "Hello?" she barely croaked out.

"Hey! How are you?" Although his words came easy, she could hear the guarded tone lying just under the surface. "It's been a long time."

The conversation took off from there. Each of them filled in the gap of the 15 years since they had last spoken. The first call rolled into the second a day later, and a third the next day. Nothing was off-limits. There were some hard truths to confront. Emotions were unburied and feelings were met head-on.

After a week of talking daily, it all boiled down to a terrifying certainty: They had never stopped loving each other. They had spent over a decade and a half wondering what could have been. Now they were both married to other people with families of their own, a mere 45 miles spaced between their homes.

Maggie slowed to a walk as her foot met her driveway. 6 miles logged and it was 8:02 am. She pulled her phone from her running belt and as sure as the nightly moon, there was his text, "goodmorning." She smiled and her stomach flipped. A flood of endorphins filled her veins and she felt alive once again.

"Good morning," she replied as she started stretching.

She kept her phone close as she showered and prepared for work. They caught up on whatever had happened in life over the prior week- work, family, special events, troubles, and victories. The text exchange would continue throughout the day and end with a phone call after they were both leaving work. Even though this call happened every week, hearing Ben's voice made Maggie's head float. Wednesdays were her favorite.

These texts and calls were nothing different than what you would share with a close friend. Someone that you explicitly trusted and respected. A person you had a history with. They were harmless.

But that's not how Wednesdays formerly played out.

After the initial week of phone calls, they continued to talk every single day. After several weeks, Ben suggested they meet at a park to talk face to face.

The nerves Maggie felt over the opportunity to meet were unparalleled to anything she had ever weathered before. She knew this was taking things a step too far, but the temptation of being in Ben's presence again was tremendous. She pushed away the alarms and told herself it was innocuous. What could go wrong? "When?" she managed to stammer out.

"How about next month? You pick the place." His words poured from his mouth with such stability and composure, they shook Maggie deep to her core. She was too old to feel like an inexperienced school girl. What was this grip he had on her?

As chance would have it, Maggie was at a point in life where her schedule was flexible. She made her own hours and could easily slip away for a few unnoticed while the kids were at school and her husband was at work. Ben owned his own business and was also able to make time away from the office whenever he wished. The opportunity sat in their laps.

The 30 days sailed by and Maggie found herself looking at the star on the date in her planner. The meeting day was here. She got ready with care, leaving no detail unnoticed. She couldn't change the fact 15 years had happened and she didn't carry that youthful gleam as she once did in college, but she wanted to look her best.

She arrived early and walked to the spot they were to meet. Benches were scattered all around, yet Maggie couldn't sit and relax. She paced back and forth anxious, willing herself to calm down. She must have looked at her watch a hundred times before she heard truck tires on the gravel parking lot.

Ben.

She watched as the truck door opened and he climbed out. No longer the college kid, Ben had become a man. All of the talking to herself was useless because, at that moment, Maggie's world shuttered down to just him. She had blinders on and nothing else existed- the park, singing birds, warm sun, gentle breeze, people taking walks, and playing soccer- none of that was even on her radar.

With unrestrained enthusiasm, she took off running towards him, squealing and giggling. She jumped in his arms and they embraced. The feeling was indescribable. She was home. The world was tilted perfectly on its axis, spinning at just the right speed and everything was the way it should have always been. She stepped back to look him in the eyes and without thinking, she kissed him.

Shocked, Ben held her at arm's length. Trying to hide tears he said, "I can't believe Maggie Stuart is standing right in front of me after all these years."

"Here I am!" she said playfully. She wanted to add she could be all his, that he always had her heart, but for the first time that day, she reined herself in. As they began walking down a trail, he took her by the hand and they walked that way like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Always curious, Maggie asked, "How are you feeling? What's going through your mind?" She was shivering with nervous energy and wanted to dissect his every thought.

"It's all surreal. I've spent all this time thinking you hated me, a lot of time angry with you for how things left off. You've crossed my mind every day, and now you are right beside me holding my hand." The emotion etched on his face filled in for the words he couldn't say. He was having inner combat between disinclination and elation over her unexpected manifestation.

"I never hated you. I was young and stupid. I made a terrible mistake leaving you. It's something I've regretted every day. I understand why you were angry, and I'm sorry." Maggie could feel the constriction of her throat as tears threatened to break free and fall down her cheeks.

Always logical and optimistic, Ben replied, "I know that now, and I'm so grateful that I do. I always hoped you were happy in life. Incredibly, I have gotten the chance to clear up questions about our history and hear about your journey."

"And now?" Maggie held her breath. This was insane. She was married. With kids! As was he. Of course, there wasn't going to be a now.

Now they would go back to their vehicles and part ways. Air cleared as she wanted, and an unobstructed path to move forward. That would be the conservative logical route, but Maggie was firing on pure wild emotional pistons.

"And now we have to face our decisions. We have both built lives with amazing people and have created even more extraordinary humans. We have loved ones that depend on and love us. It's hard. It's not how I would have written it, but it's what we have." Maggie heard his words but he didn't fool her. Even now, she could read him perfectly. His heart was breaking. Again.

They walked in silence for a stretch, still hand in hand. Neither felt the need to fill the quiet space, knowing the other was processing the pool of emotions this reunion had collected.

The conundrum had been on Maggie's mind ever since she read Ben's response to her Facebook message. Her life was fine. It worked. There were the usual marital spats and life pains, but nothing catastrophic. But that was it. Everything was just...ordinary.

There wasn't any passion or urgency, her married life was bland. It lacked zest and fervor. If Maggie got downright honest with herself, was there ever even love? She and her husband were good partners, they were not in love. Nothing like she felt with Ben. But that wasn't an offense worthy of divorce, was it?

Maggie felt heartless. She had lost her mind. Of course, she couldn't tell her husband she wanted a divorce because he didn't make her stomach do flip flops when she saw him. How ridiculous would that sound?! Still, she couldn't shake the crushing concern that she would spend the rest of her life living a lie. Loving another man and knowing she had so much warmth to give that would go unappreciated in her current marriage. They made it work, but it was forced. They weren't truly compatible.

"Are you okay? You're awful quiet over there and that's not the Maggie I know," he said with a playful wink.

"This is a bit of a disaster," she said in one long sigh. "It played out differently in my head when I sent that message, and now I'm all confused."

He pulled her in and put an arm around her shoulder. "I know, I'm feeling it too" an admission she was relieved to hear.

They had walked the entire loop, circling back to the place Maggie had run to meet Ben. Their time together was minutes from ending and the tension was too much. If Maggie could have unzipped her skin and crawled out, she would have done it.

Ben took her in a long powerful hug. Several times he tried to let go but pulled her back in. There weren't any words, but a lot of sighs and growls of frustration. Maggie felt helpless. She knew what her soul wanted, but that countered what was logical. She was frozen in the in-between.

Ben had to take control. He gently pushed her away. "Get in your car. Go! Hurry! I'm afraid I won't be able to let go of you again if you don't."

Reluctantly, Maggie walked toward her car. She was numb. She didn't notice the stifling hot interior as she sat there with the keys in her lap. It wasn't until she heard a truck start did she realize she was sobbing. Her conscience screamed at her to stop as she started the car. Muscle memory made her put it in drive and her foot ease off the brake to slowly press the gas.

Ben fell in line behind her and followed her to the park exit. She looked in her review mirror and gave a weak wave. This was it.

"Goodbye. I love you," Maggie whispered. She turned right and to her horror, Ben turned left. Two people bound by the universe, forced in opposite directions. The symbolism unwound any self-control Maggie was hanging on to, and she let herself break.