Another One Knocked Up
"I regret to inform you mam' but I'm afraid that you test results came back negative. You are infertile."
"What?"
"Biologically, you are incapable of having children."
Jennifer's whole world crash down around her as the doctor gave her the bad news. Her and her husband had been trying for years to have kids and she decided that if by her 30th birthday that she were not pregnant, then both her and her husband, Randy, would get fertility tests done. Having kids was all that she had ever dreamed of since she was one and now she was finding out that it was her who couldn't conceive? She was the problem?
"Your husband on the other hand, he seems to be relatively fine, medically speaking."
On the drive back home she just sat there, empty. All her hopes, all her dreams...gone. She had a feeling for a while that something was wrong after her husband had been creampie-ing her every day for the last three years and still nothing. But getting the news was still a gut punch. In the somber silence her husband began to speak.
"We could adopt."
"No, absolutely not. I love you honey, I love your big beautiful blue eyes. I don't want to see the eyes of some other man in our children. I want our children to remind me of you every time I look at their pretty faces. We were supposed to have a big family, six kids, three boys three girls, but now- but now..."
"It's okay honey, don't cry-"
"Don't you tell me not to fucking cry!" She said with tears escaping from her eyes.
***
For the next few days after they returned from the hospital Jennifer could do nothing but lay in bed all day. Day after day, just staring at the ceiling and out the window at the cold unforgiving world outside. Why would God do this to her? Had she been a bad Christian? She felt like she had lost a child she never knew. Well fuck him. From now on morals would not keep her from her goals. The ends justified her means. And as she had this revelation, this moral re-evaluation, a plan formed in her mind. If she couldn't have kids- then so be it. But her husband, her husband was going to have MANY kids.
***
"Absolutely not. This is absurd. And what is she gonna say when I refuse to use a condom?"
"Kids these days don't use condoms!"
"Yeah? How do you know?"
"I work for the department of health idiot, it's my job to know."
"Ok but where am I going to meet these women?
"Where all guys meet desperate women- on Tinder and at bars."
"And why won't they just get abortions?"
"Simple, we'll target women that either can't or won't. Evangelical Christians, broke college students, and poor women that can't afford it. We live in Ohio for fuck's sake, getting an abortion isn't even that easy."
"And you're just going to be in the room, watching?"
"Yeah, I gotta make sure you're holding up your end of the bargain and cumming in them."
"And pray tell, how are you going to get them to agree to that?"
"Well I figure some of the college kids, the girls with the blue hair specifically, might be into it. Evangelicals probably not so much, in those cases I'll probably just hide in the closet. Maybe with the poor women we can just bribe them, you think?"
"I literally have a picture of us on the bedside stand and wear my wedding ring everywhere."
"We'll hide all the photos of me in the house and don't worry mister, once this is all over you'll have a ring on your finger once again. But for now, the ring comes off." Jennifer said as she grabbed Randy's hand and slipped the ring off his finger. "Do this, for me; for us, and for our future together." She said as she laid a kiss on her husband's forehead.
"Ok." Her husband agreed. "I'll do it. For you."
***
The couple began searching for their first "surrogate". The first thing they did was set up an account on Christian Mingle and on Tinder. Next they enrolled Randy in a single class at Ohio State University, there he could meet dozens of young college women. They picked a class that was bound to have a high women to men ratio, an English class; and agreed that while Randy would attend all the classes in person- Jennifer would do all his homework and papers.
The first person that showed interest in Randy was a girl in his English class, a 19 year old creative writing major named Elisa with blue hair and a bisexual pride flag on her backpack. After class one day she stopped Randy and had a conversation with him. They talked about their favorite authors and Elisa immediately took a liking to her. Randy was a big fan of Russian stories like War and Peace and Elisa liked YA novels like Mazerunner and Divergent. Eventually Randy got her number and the two met after school at a bar on a Friday night. The pair made small talk and Elisa drank like a fish. Eventually, Randy decided it was time to make his move.
"Hey, you said that you're bisexual right?"
"Yes, since High School!"
"So that means you're into women right?"
"Yep!"
"Ok so here's the deal: my wife and I are looking for a third. Interested?"
"Hmmmm." Elisa contemplated as she pounded down another Sea Breeze. "Sure, why the fuck not. I'm up for it!"
"Great!"
Randy texted his wife to update her on the situation. Then the two left the bar and Randy introduced Ellisa to Jennifer back at the couple's house.
"Hiya, so you're Randy's wife!"
"Yeah!"