An Ending and a Beginning

Living well is the best revenge

. -- George Hebert

My name is Jake Barnes and this is my story.

I believe in fidelity, monogamy, commitment, and keeping my word. Having said that, what I believe in most is the power of forgiveness and redemption; but I don't believe in playing the fool. I also believe we have a right to be happy. That's where it seems things tend to get dicey. Finding that balance between keeping your word of yesterday and being happy today seems to be the point where the struggle of being human resides. Marriage, it would seem, embraces that struggle better than anything else.

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I knew enough. My spooks had done their job and I'd watched too many hours of the type of videos no husband should ever be asked to see. It was time to take the next step.

I'd done my homework in preparation for this moment. I knew Annie Phillips when I saw her, where she worked, and what she did. Our mutual friends told me she was a kind and caring person. She's 61 years old, just a year younger than me. She's tall and thin, bookish with grey hair and the wrinkles that come with age. Still, to my eyes she was a lovely woman and I was about to destroy her world. I felt increasingly bad about it, but I wanted my revenge; and if she was collateral damage, then so be it. I could sue her husband and maybe get some satisfaction, but I wanted to utterly destroy his world the way he had destroyed mine. Annie was the means to doing that. I was about to tell her that her husband was a lying, cheating sack of crap.

I knew that Annie was in the habit of stopping by a particular coffee shop Saturday midmornings while she was running her weekly errands. I would approach her there.

I walked over to her table and gently said, "Hello. Are you Annie Phillips?" She smiled and said she was. "And your husband is Bill?" She nodded. I asked, "May I join you for a few minutes? I was hoping to discuss something with you." That's how it started. I sat down and I said, "My name is Jake Barnes and my wife is Cheryl. Do those names sound familiar to you?"

"No. Should they?" She smiled the kindest smile and I felt even worse about what I was about to do.

"Probably not, it was a long shot." I paused to catch my breath and think about what I was about to do. "I don't know quite how to say this. I don't want to upset you, but I know I'm going to. There's really no good way to do this." I looked into her eyes. "Your husband and my wife are having an affair." I waited for the scream and hoped she wouldn't throw her hot coffee in my face. I had assumed she would make a scene, tell me I was nuts, and demand that I leave her alone. She did none of that. She remained surprisingly calm and simply looked down at her hands. She looked sad and I started to think this wasn't exactly news to her.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm afraid I am."

"How do you know?"

"I started to suspect, noticed something that wasn't right, and hired a private investigation firm. It didn't take them long. I have their reports, some still photos, and hours of videos that you probably don't want to watch. At least, I wouldn't recommend it. I can share it all with you if you want, or send copies to your lawyer. I'm sorry."

"I guess I've suspected for some time, but I never had the guts to hire anyone to find out for sure. I guess I didn't have your courage." She was still looking at her hands. She seemed to be speaking more to herself than to me.

"Don't be hard on yourself. You're a loving wife and you want to believe he's committed to the marriage just like you. I would never have suspected, but it wasn't the first time for my wife and I recognized the signs. A part of me wishes I hadn't."

"I guess it's time to go home and have a talk with hubby." She sighed deeply and still hadn't lifted her eyes from her hands.

"I can't tell you what to do, but would you let me make a few suggestions? I've been thinking about this for some time now."

She looked up at me for the first time since I dropped the bomb on her. "I'm listening."

"You need two things right now. You need information and you need time to think. I have the former and I can help you with the latter if you wish. I can introduce you to my lawyer. Now, you don't have to file for divorce; but taking a day or two to talk with him, review the evidence, and think about it all might help you prepare for your talk with hubby." I was feeling guilty now. "Annie, I have to come clean. I've been telling myself that if I were in your shoes I'd want to know. The truth is that I'm ... I'm out for revenge. I want to hurt your husband the way he's hurt me. Telling you about his cheating is really about me getting revenge and I'm starting to feel more than a little ashamed that I'm putting you through this. My advice may not be the best for you."

She nodded her head and took a deep breath. "Thank you, duly noted. Right now I'm torn between talking with him and shooting him, so your advice may still be the best I've gotten so far. A little cooling off time might be just what I need." At this point, her demeanor changed. "Then again, how do I know you're not a nut? I'm going to have to see that evidence you talked about."

"I can do that. I have it with me. Do you want to see it here, or should we go someplace where you can scream a little?" I tried to make a joke. It didn't work.

"My office is just down the road and we could go there; although I suppose some screaming would attract a lot of attention and I don't really want to explain myself." She smiled a nervous smile.

"My office is just two buildings from yours and my neighbors are used to screaming." She looked at me like I was nuts. She may be right. "I yell at the computer screen a lot. It's cathartic." That got me the first real smile since I said hello.

"How do you know where I work?"

"I had time to do my homework. I wanted to know more about Bill and that taught me a little about you. I'm sorry. I'm at war and I need to know my enemy."

She looked down at her coffee cup and nodded. "I can understand that."

It was hard for her, but I have to give her credit. She wanted to see it all, read the reports, and know everything. I took my time and answered her questions. When she watched the videos of Bill and my wife all she said was, "I've seen more tender intimacy in the monkey house at the zoo! I was expecting them to throw feces next." I had to laugh. Bill liked to bad mouth me when he was with Cheryl, and especially when he was laying pipe, so I wasn't inclined to defend either of them at this point.

By the end of it she knew everything that I knew. Then she began to share with me. "He hasn't touched me in six years. Before that he'd begun making little remarks about my chest as if growing up tall and flat chested wasn't hard enough. After a while I gave up trying to entice him. I still sleep next to him every night, but it's like there's an invisible wall between us."

"Bill's an idiot." I regretted it the moment I said it.

She giggled quietly. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that; but what you're describing is a 14 year old boy. God knows I'm not Bill's biggest fan, but I thought he was smarter than that."

"You overestimated him!" She began to giggle louder. A 61-year-old woman and accomplished professional was sitting in front of me giggling and I loved it! For the first time in weeks I smiled and laughed along with her. "Cheryl certainly has a pair!" she said.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, you were right about the monkey house." She giggled again. God I loved that giggle! "And for the record, I have you beat. It's been eight years for me. Cheryl even moved into another bedroom just to get away from me. She still keeps her clothes in my room, but she sleeps in the other."

I thought for a time about the sadness of her life and the frustration in my own and I realized that I'd said something earlier she might have misunderstood. "Back at the coffee shop, when I said I'm at war and I need to know my enemy, I hope you understand that I meant Bill and not you. I don't hold you responsible for anything that Bill has done and I certainly don't consider you to be my enemy. In fact, I feel like we're in this together and we need to help one another through this."

"Don't worry, I understood that." Her eyes were kind as she spoke, but I understood the pain behind them. "Truthfully, I'm surprised that you're as calm as you are. You've been living with this longer than me and I'd expect you to be even angrier."

"Like you said, I've been living with it longer than you. I've had time to come to terms with at least some of it."

Annie decided to take her time, talk with my lawyer, and weigh her options. I decided to continue the surveillance. There was no telling what the spooks might learn.

We decided one thing together. Whenever one of us decided to act on what we knew, both cheaters would be tipped off. So we agreed to talk, share, and respect one another's needs. We wouldn't surprise each other. We were being lied to enough. Between the two of us there would be honesty.

I had started the day feeling guilty about ruining her life and I wound up with a friend to share the misery.

After that first day, the coffee shop became our regular meeting place. We met every Saturday, and a few other afternoons as well, to review the weekly reports from our spooks and give each other the support we both needed. We slowly got to know each other and to confide in one other. Both Bill and Cheryl had a restless quality that made them forever dissatisfied with their lives. Both had put their families through hell for years. Neither of them seemed to feel any debt to those who stood by them through all the chaos. Both had cheated on their spouses before. Both seemed able to blame the rest of us for their own actions and failures.

Pretty soon we began to make an effort to bring some joy to our meetings and I started looking forward to seeing her. We found reasons to laugh. God I love that giggle! We shared funny stories about our friends and coworkers. She had two grown kids and a grandchild on the way. I had neither and I envied her for it. She kept her kids out of the problems with her husband, their father. There was no reason to burden them with that news until it became absolutely necessary.

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A few weeks after my first meeting with Annie the spooks struck gold. Well, if felt more like I'd fallen face down in a pile of shit, but it was one of those horrible moments that made divorce look good to me.

Cheryl and Bill had gone to their usual hotel, but they had decided to have lunch in the diner first when one of our spooks sat down at the next table. She had a camera in her purse and she caught the discussion. There was unimportant conversation at first, but I could tell that Cheryl was nervous. She was trying to look calm, but whenever she was nervous she would make bad jokes one after another. She was trying too hard.

It was then that their lunch companions arrived. He was a hairy troll; short, wide, and bearded. Without seeing it, I knew he trimmed his back hair with a weed whacker. She was thin, but hippy, with course features and a dark tooth that you could not help but notice when she smiled. She smiled a lot and when she laughed she was loud. She seemed to push herself onto Bill and Cheryl from across the table. She was course and crude and I took an instant dislike to her.

Whatever they were talking about, the troll and his companion were quite experienced at it. Cheryl and Bill were less so. Cheryl asked, "So, how long have you two been a couple?"

"Six years!" she said. "Just don't tell my husband!"

"Or my wife!" he said and all four laugh.

So, two more cheaters; I guess what they say is true about birds of a feather. Then the first shoe dropped.

Cheryl was still trying too hard and said, "Wow, really? We're about to celebrate our third anniversary!" That brought more laughter and everyone raised a glass to toast each other.

Now I had an answer to what I had only suspected. It had been going on for three years and until the past few weeks I'd been clueless. That's the sort of thing that haunts a guy. It makes him feel the fool. In time, and with Annie's help, I came to realize that I was only a fool because I trusted someone who was very good at lying. In fact, Cheryl was expert at it. You can't live your life with suspicion of the person you love. Lying to someone who loves you is absolutely the easiest thing to succeed at. Divorce was looking better by the day.

They ate lunch and played get to know you. After lunch they walked down the hall toward the hotel lobby and I noticed the oddest thing: Cheryl was holding the hand of The Troll and Bill was walking with his arm around Dark Tooth. I was still missing something. They headed to the elevator and went up to the fourth floor where Bill had reserved their regular room. My spooks were way ahead of them. They already had the camera hidden in the room and it was there that the second shoe dropped.

The two couples walked into the room, closed the door, and The Troll said, "I've been looking forward to this for weeks." He was looking at Cheryl and slowly put his arms around her. "I've wanted to kiss you since the moment we sat down to lunch."

Cheryl was visibly nervous, but I guess she had committed to this. Once Cheryl makes a decision, there is no stopping her. She said, "Then I guess now would be a good time for that." and with that, The Troll drew her in and put his lips on her.

I thought I'd seen everything that a husband does not want to see, but that day's video hit a new low. They were swapping partners. "What? Cheating on your spouse for three years gets boring? You need to cheat on your cheater now?" I was talking to myself again. I've got to stop doing that.

The Troll went from kisses, to copping a feel, to playing grab ass all the while sticking his tongue down my wife's throat. He was undressing her and she was nervously undressing him. I was right about his back -- definite weed whacker territory. I was so fixated on Cheryl and The Troll that I failed to notice that Bill and Dark Tooth were way ahead of them. He was slipping her panties down over her thighs and she was rubbing his crotch when The Troll was still unzipping Cheryl's jeans. What followed was unimaginable to me and I still can't believe what I saw. The Troll was fucking my wife while Bill was laying pipe in Dark Tooth and the four lay right next to each other on the same bed. Cheryl's reservations had vanished.

After round one the four lay together laughing, clearly pleased with themselves. Cheryl and Bill reached out to hold each other's hand for a moment as if to say, "We're good, right?" The four danced a little to the clock radio while they drank some overpriced drinks from the mini bar. Then it was time for round two. Cheryl's inhibitions had evaporated and she took the initiative now, taking The Troll in her mouth to get him ready and then bending over to shake her behind as if ringing the dinner bell. Bill lifted Dark Tooth onto his lap with his hands under her broad ass and it was off to the races for the loving couples. They ended their afternoon reclaiming their partners with a round of sloppy seconds, or was it thirds, before Cheryl and Bill headed home to await the arrival of their hard-working and much neglected spouses. I was glad that I didn't see the video until the next day. I was even more glad for the separate bedrooms.

By now the spooks were sharing everything with Annie, so I called her on her cell to say she should not watch the video until she got to work and only when she was ready for some major heartbreak. I sat with her as she watched it, said nothing until she was ready, and then reached for the wastebasket when she said, "I want to throw up!" I knew the feeling.

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I've already said that I believe in marriage and I believe in second chances. My beliefs were pressed to the breaking point. Both Annie and I were finalizing divorce papers with our lawyer when the next act of deception came to Annie and me.

It was a Friday evening, just one week and a day after the incident with The Troll, when Cheryl sat next to me on the sofa and put her hand on my leg. That hadn't happened in a long time, so needless to say I was suspicious. "I was talking with my sister and she's not feeling well. You know she lost her health insurance when she quit her job and the free clinic isn't doing her much good. I told her I'd go over next week and help her around the house. I'll fix some meals and do a little cleaning, but mostly I'll just keep her company."

"When are you going?"

"I thought I'd leave Sunday morning and spend the week. I'll come back Friday evening and then we can have the weekend together."

Cheryl hates her sister. She makes nice to her, but the resentment runs deep. So to say the least, this news had a smell to it.

What could I say? "Well, if you do it, you'll need to prepare for it and be very patient while you're there. You know how she pushes your buttons and you don't want to feel guilty about anything you do or say once you get home." I had to fight the desire to laugh. Cheryl hadn't felt guilty about much for the past three years and even less the last week.

"Thanks, hunny!" and with that she was off. She really didn't have much time for me lately and even less interest.

Saturday I met Annie at the coffee shop. "The strangest thing happened. Cheryl is going away Sunday to visit her sister and won't be back until Friday. It seems she's prepared to skip her usual Thursday tryst with Bill. Do you think they had a fight after their little swap adventure?"

"That's interesting. Bill is going into Vermont on Sunday to work with his buddy on a project up there. He said that Jimmy is building a thermal heating system for a client and he wants to get some experience in the hope he can sell some down here. He also won't be back until Friday."

"You smell something?"

"I do and it stinks like dead fish."

"Are we going to let them get away with it, or do we bring the hammer down before they leave?"

Annie paused for a moment. "I could use the week to box up Bill's stuff so it's waiting for him when he returns."

"Damn! I just remembered. It's their anniversary! You don't think they have the nerve to go off together for the whole week, do you?"

"Don't you? They've done everything but screw each other in front of us."

"Well, we have watched." I said. "They just don't know it." She giggled again. God I love that giggle.

I called the spooks and told them they had some work to do on Sunday.

Sunday morning came. Cheryl had largely packed the night before. I thought to snoop through her bags, but what would be the point? I'd just see things I didn't want to see, know things I didn't want to know. I considered helping her carry her bags to her car, but I didn't trust myself to keep my cool. So instead I got busy doing something of no importance.

She called out, "I'm going!" She didn't even come find me.

I walked over to her as she was headed out and said, "What? No hug?" She smiled and gave me a forced hug with all the warmth of a rattler and then she was gone. It occurred to me that this moment was probably the end of my marriage. Then again, it ended a long time ago. I had just kept meeting my obligations and getting nothing in return. Things were going to change now and just what was waiting for me on the other side I had no clue.

I waited fifteen minutes and then I called Annie. Bill left about the same time as Cheryl and we agreed to meet at the coffee shop in an hour. Then I did a strange thing. I showered. I know, it was a Sunday morning and there's nothing unusual with showering at the start of the day, but I wanted to look good when I met Annie. Alarms should have been going off in my head, but I wasn't hearing them.