Amy and Brian

This story is a continuation of Exploring Feelings, which detailed the affair between Amy Harris and Chris Barnes. Though I tried to provide Amy's side of things as much as possible, I do realize that most of that story is told from Chris' POV, and ends with his secret life largely resolved. Amy's secrets, however, are still very much hidden at the end. So I decided to write a story from her point of view, as well as her husband Brian. Chris and Liz make an appearance in this story, but they are not the primary characters. Hope you enjoy, but you should read Exploring Feelings first in order to understand the background that leads Amy and Brian to where they go in this story.

*****

"Honey, you ready to go?" Amy Harris asked her youngest child, 8-year old Johnny.

"Just a few more minutes, Mommy," he replied, turning away from her and running back happily to the merry-go-round in the mall.

"OK, but just a couple, you have your piano lessons in a half hour," Amy answered, smiling as she looked at the fun he was having. Young kids could afford to be care free, to enjoy things without the weight of life's problems. And unfortunately, Amy had her share of problems, despite the image she fostered as the perfect wife and mother.

She turned around and watched as one of those problems, Chris Barnes, turned the corner out of sight, and out of her life, perhaps forever. Amy thought about what Chris said, about secrets coming out when you least expect them. He was right of course, no matter how hard you try to hide things they have a way of revealing themselves sometimes. Maybe she should take his advice and confess her sins. But what Chris didn't know was Amy had more secrets she was hiding.

As she waited for her son to finish, she took a moment to place a call to that other secret.

"Josh, it's me," Amy said, leaving a message on his cell phone. "Listen, we can't keep doing this, it's too dangerous. Anyone could find out and my life would be ruined. I'm sorry, I hope you understand," she said sadly as she hung up her phone.

"I'm ready to go, Mommy," Johnny said as he hugged her from behind. Amy pushed away her other thoughts.

"OK, sweetie, I'll take you to Mrs. Carlton's house for your lesson," she replied, as they walked to her car. Amy's other kids, Kelly and Tyler, were at their sports practices (softball for Kelly and lacrosse for Tyler), so Amy had a few hours to herself before her family needed her.

After dropping Johnny off, Amy decided to head home and think about things, about how her life had gotten to this point. Of course, there was a strong chance he would be there, as well, working in her backyard as always. But she knew it was inevitable they would see each other, might as well get it over with.

Upon arriving home there here was, 21-year old Josh Anderson, working on finishing the flower garden in the Harris backyard. Amy had known Josh since he was a kid; he had grown up just a few blocks away, and her and Brian were friends with his parents. Josh was helping his father with his landscaping business and hoped to one day take over.

Amy had known Josh had a crush on her for several years, it flattered her but he was just a young boy at the time. Besides, Amy had other distractions. When he returned last summer and began working in her backyard, she at first thought nothing of it. But then she began to see the looks he gave her, and her thoughts began to wander. God, he was in such good shape, she began to think, with jet-black hair down to his shoulders, and emerald green eyes. At that point, it had been over a year since she broke things off with Chris, and she found herself responding to the attentions of this young male.

Almost without realizing what happened, a torrid affair had begun between Amy and Josh that ended when he returned to school in the fall. Now, he was back, and it had started once again, during the afternoon when her kids and husband were busy. But now, it needed to stop. As with Chris, Amy knew it had gone too far.

When he saw Amy, Josh came running into the house, confronting Amy in her hallway.

"It can't be over, not yet," he said, grabbing Amy and pinning her against the wall. "I give you things your husband can't. I know you can't give this up," he said as he slowly began kissing behind her ear and down her neck.

"Oh, Josh, it's too dangerous, I have too much to lose...ahhh, that feels so good," Amy said, as she began to lose the fight within herself. She grabbed him behind his head, and pulled him in for a passionate kiss, fighting his tongue with her own.

"I knew you wanted this," he breathed, as her pulled her hair out of its ponytail and let her blonde locks fall over her shoulders. Slowly, he picked her up and placed her on the end table next to the stairs, continuing to kiss her and reach under her dress to remove her panties.

"No, Josh, stop, STOP!" she said out of breath, but she made no move to make that happen. In fact, as he began to unzip and lower his jeans, her hands began to help him as she grabbed his toned ass. Then, she unbuttoned his shirt, and began to caress his pecs and abs.

"Yeah, that drives me crazy," he groaned, and began to close the distance and kiss her once again. Amy's left hand wandered downward again and began to slowly tug at his erect penis. Josh was about the same size as Chris had been, and not much bigger than her husband. But that wasn't what this was about.

All of a sudden, Josh stopped, and asked her "This is OK, right?" Despite his aggressiveness at the start, he was still a young kid, and didn't want to force the older woman into anything.

"Yes, don't talk, just do it, OK?" Amy exclaimed as she pulled his member closer to her opening, giving it long loving strokes and eliciting the moans she sought from him. She didn't want to think now; she needed to satisfy her urges. With Chris, she never had to worry about it, but Josh was young and she often had to take the lead. While that excited her, a part of it bothered her; she was the adult here and should know better. Yet all her thoughts now were about Josh parting her folds.

With a groan from both of them, he did just that, and Amy locked her legs around his ass as it began to pump back and forth. Soon they picked up the pace, as Josh rammed Amy into the table and up against the side of the stairs. Their lips never left each other as they moved closer to their peaks.

"Yeah, baby, your pussy is the best, I can't get enough," groaned Josh as he humped faster and faster. "Is this what you wanted?"

"Yeah, yeah, you know it is," Amy squealed. "Make me come, baby, I need it...oh yeah!" With that, Amy crashed over the edge of pleasure.

Feeling her come, Josh could hold it no longer. His balls tightened, and with a deep groan and one last violent pump, he unloaded into her. It sent Amy's ass hard into the table, knocking over a change dish situated at the other end.

"OH, god that was good," Josh said as he came down from his high, gently kissing Amy on the lips.

"Mmmm-hmmm," she replied dreamily, returning his kiss. As she began to come back to the rational world, however, she saw the dish lying on the ground, broken into three pieces.

"Oh, no!" she cried, pushing Josh off her. "My son Tyler made this for me in his arts and crafts class. How am I going to explain it to him?" In an instant, all the bad feelings came rushing back.

"I can fix it," Josh offered. "He'll never know the difference."

"No, I'll think of something, you should go," Amy replied. Now that her desires were met, she really didn't feel like making small talk with Josh.

"OK, see you tomorrow?" Josh said with hope. He was certainly hoping he could continue to plant other things besides roses.

"We'll see," Amy said dismissively. "Right now you need to go; I have to get ready to pick up my kids."

Josh left for the day, and Amy fixed herself up and went to pick up her kids. 'How am I here again', she thought. After Chris, she thought it was over, that she had explored everything she needed to and could dedicate herself completely to her family.

It seems that's what Chris had managed to do, even though it was her idea to end it that last time. Somehow, their secret had gotten out and his marriage had survived. Even more amazingly, nothing about her and Chris had gotten back to Brian. 'I have been incredibly lucky', she realized.

Yet still, here she was risking her marriage with a new man, a younger man. That prospect excited her, even now. She liked the idea of being able to turn on a man nearly twenty years her junior. But she was playing with fire, and she knew it. So why couldn't she stop, did she need her secrets to be exposed like Chris in order to do it?

For Amy, that was not an option, in no scenario did she see herself being as lucky as Chris was. She didn't see how Brian could forgive all she had done; if she was in his shoes she wouldn't be able to. Liz is an unbelievable woman for being able to get past this, she thought, but she is the exception, not the rule.

Amy tried to think of anything to help her stop, she even contemplated returning to church and seeking guidance. She was not religious now, but had been as a young girl, up until about 12 years old. In many ways, she felt her experiences then may help explain why she was acting this way.

As much as you tell yourself you are not going to be like your parents, that you won't repeat their mistakes, sometimes life has a way of showing you how wrong you are. For Amy, she realized that as much as she hated her father, she was acting just as he had. Amy had never really forgiven him for what he did to her family almost 30 years ago, even after her siblings and mother had long since let it go, but now she was beginning to realize she was just like him.

She was her father's daughter, and the thought sent a shudder down her spine as she began to relive the moments of that awful year.

FALL 1989

Twelve-year old Amy Rodgers sat in the front pew early one Sunday, at her family Presbyterian church just north of Baltimore, in Aberdeen. Amy's father, David, was the head pastor at the church, and he and his wife Helen were pillars of the local community. Almost everyone sought out the Rev. Rodgers for advice, even people who were not members of his congregation. Any local politician made this their first stop in any of their campaigns, in many ways the Reverend was the moral compass of the community.

Amy was the youngest of David and Helen Rodgers' three girls. She was a bit of a surprise baby, her older sisters were 7 and 9 years older than her, and off in college. As the baby of the family, Amy was showered with affection by her parents, who had more time to focus on her now that her sisters were starting their adult lives. In particular, Amy was very close to her father; they did everything together. She was fascinated by his job and how he helped so many people; one day she hoped to be just like her Dad and become a minister, they belonged to a progressive part of the church and David always encouraged his girls to follow their dreams.

Often, she was so excited to get to church on Sunday that Amy left early, before her mother. Their house was only a few short blocks away, and Amy liked being the first one there. At the moment, it was still an hour or so before mass. She hadn't seen her father yet, he was busy preparing his sermon for the day and liked to be alone. But she wanted to see him, she ran across a bible passage she thought would fit his sermon. So she walked to his office behind the church to see him.

As she was making her way there, she noticed a young woman, around the same age as her sisters, knock on her father's office. He greeted her with a smile, and brought her in, closing the door. 'Oh, that's odd,' thought Amy, 'he usually doesn't counsel people before mass'. Curious, she walked towards the door. Amy's life would be forever changed by what she heard, then saw.

At the door, she heard low moaning, in her father's distinctive voice. Initially, she assumed her father must be hurt, and began to turn the doorknob to check on him. Then she heard him moan again, "Oh, Pamela, that feels so good, now put me in your mouth."

Amy was 12, while she certainly was not sexually active with boys (she was honestly still coming to terms with her feelings toward them), she knew enough to know these moans were not ones of pain coming from her father. But it couldn't be, he wouldn't do that. There must be some explanation?

Despite her better thoughts, she opened the door, and her heart broke at what she found. The young blonde girl was on her knees, between her father's legs. Her father's pants were down around his feet, his head thrown back with an ecstatic look on his face.

For a moment, Amy froze; everything she had believed in her young life had been taken away from her in that instant. She forced herself to speak.

"DAD! How could you do this, to Mom, to us!" she screamed, running out of his office and down the hall.

"Amy, baby, wait, I can explain," the Reverend called out, as he struggled to pull his pants up and go after his youngest daughter. He didn't want anyone to see her upset, he needed to talk to her and calm her down.

He caught up to her in the church, and found her crying in the front row pew. It was still about 45 minutes to Mass, so no one had arrived yet, especially her mother. He had to fix this, and fast.

"Amy, I'm sorry you had to see that, but I can explain," he pleaded.

"How, I saw what you were doing, what she was doing to you. You can't explain away why you would do that!" she cried.

"Oh, honey, I'm human, and I sinned. I was weak and couldn't help myself. I swear to you that was the first time it ever happened," he explained, reaching old to hold her hand.

"Don't touch me," she snapped. "I don't believe you, how can I believe you?"

"It's true," he protested, "I'm just going through a tough time right now, with a lot of things," he said vaguely. "But God forgives, right? I always taught you that. As soon as mass is over, I'm going to pray to God, who'll give me the strength to never let this happen again."

"But you need to tell Mom as well, confess to her," she replied, "She'll forgive you too if it was just one mistake."

"I know, but," he started, "I need some time to figure things out. Your mother is going through a lot lately, what with your sisters at college and her worried about them. It wouldn't be the right time for this. As long as I confess to God, and he forgives me, your mother doesn't need to know. We can just keep it between us?" he said, with a pleading look on her face.

"You can't ask me to keep this secret for you, especially from Mom?" she cried. "It would kill me inside!"

"But honey, you have to think of the family," he replied. "Your Mom may not be as forgiving as God is, what if she wants to leave me? Divorce is a much bigger sin, you wouldn't want that. I need you to be a big girl for me now."

Amy sighed, she was just 12, she didn't want her parents to break up. Plus the damage to their standing in the community would be substantial if this came out, she was old enough to realize this. She would be teased mercilessly at school, another child of a religious man who everyone had come to see as hypocrite.

She wanted to give her father the benefit of the doubt. He was human, and humans sinned. But if they show contrition, those sins should be forgiven. It wouldn't be fair of her to ruin her father over one mistake. Amy realized her carefree childhood days were over, as she prepared to keep her father's dark secret."

"OK, Dad, but you promise me, this won't happen again?" she asked, looking deeply into his eyes.

"Of course, baby, I promise," he said reaching out to hug her. At that point, people began to arrive for mass, including her mother. Her father gave her a big kiss, and left to prepare for the mass.

As her mother arrived, Amy didn't see the meaningful glance her father shared with Pamela, the young blonde girl she found him with. The meaning of the glance, 'It's OK, she won't tell.'

Pamela smiled to herself as she took her place in the back of the church. She had been sleeping with Reverend Rodgers for the last two years, since she was 19. She couldn't wait for their regular scheduled rendez-vous, on Tuesday afternoon. She had wonderful news to share that she didn't get a chance to tell him earlier, news that would finally make him leave his loveless marriage. She was pregnant with their child.

Amy kept her father's secret, until one horrible day two months later when the truth finally emerged. She heard her mother screaming at her father, telling him to leave. She ran down to see what was wrong, but only saw her mother on the couch crying; her father having just fled the house. The local newspaper was strewn across the hallway. Amy picked it up and read the headline.

"PROMINENT LOCAL REVEREND IMPREGNATES YOUNG PARISHIONER; PAYS FOR HER ABORTION"

Amy dropped the paper and ran to her room, crying. After a few minutes, her mother came up to console her. "Amy, honey, you're going to hear some things at school the next few days, about your father. I'm sorry honey, but the two of us will get through this, together."

"Is it true?" Amy asked, her head buried in the pillow.

"I'm afraid so, sweetheart. Your father confessed to me. Apparently, it had been going on for a while now."

In that moment, Amy knew she had been lied to, so completely by her father. All the love she had for him disappeared instantly, and was replaced by simmering hatred, for what he had done, to her mother, and to her. But still, she kept his secret. She didn't want her Mom to know she was aware something had happened. 'My mother will never forgive me,' she thought. And she needed her mother's love, now more than ever.

"Your father won't be staying here, at least for a while, until we figure things out. But know that both of us love you, no matter what happens," her mother said as Amy reached out to hug her.

"I'm sorry Mom," she said through sobs.

"Oh, sweetie, you have nothing to be sorry for, none of this is your fault," consoled her mother.

In Amy's mind, this was a lie. If only she had been more forceful with her father, he would have stopped and none of this would have happened. But she had no one to talk to about this. Her sisters came back down to offer support for her Mom, but they were still busy with college and had lives of their own. There were also insulated from it, the moral failings of a Reverend in Maryland did not make for local gossip at their colleges in New England.

But Amy and her mother bore the brunt of the taunts. Every day at school, the snickers behind her back and taunts to her face increased in volume for Amy. She began to plead with her mother to stay home in the morning. For Helen Rodgers, it was no better. Though she was spared the overt taunts, she saw the looks of everyone in town wherever she went. After a few months, she knew she had to get her daughter, and herself, out of his town.

So Helen and Amy packed up and moved to Springfield, just outside Philadelphia, near where Helen grew up and where she still had family. Amy's father stayed behind in Maryland, trying to save his career and tattered reputation. She enrolled in school, where no one knew her or her story. While that was good, it was also lonely. Seventh grade was a tough place to make new friends.

Most of the time, she ate lunch alone and thought about how her life had turned into a disaster in just a few short months. And it was all her fault, of that she was sure of. Until one day, a shy, but cute blonde-haired boy came up to her in the cafeteria.

"Is this seat taken?" the boy asked. "Hi, I'm Brian Harris," he said.

"I'm Amy, nice to meet you Brian," she said warily. Given what happened, Amy wasn't the biggest fan of the male species right now, but something about this boy told her she should let him sit down. "You can sit here if you want," she said.