☠️ Achtung! ☠️ Don't try these tricks at home, kids. These are trained professionals in a tightly controlled setting. Ignoring this caution could result in serious injury or a massive
hangover.
🎄
In the land of Nod, as the Winter Solstice drew near, the Gentiles were seeking a new perspective on the upcoming festivities.
"Let's include something for the kids this year." said Jodi. "We can do a Secret Santa and hand out inexpensive gifts."
"Heavy on inexpensive." said Sandy. "They can be such ungrateful little shits. Get them some warm socks or new toothbrushes or something like that."
"Oh, sure, that will go over like a fart in church." said Bonnie. "I think in this case I would much rather give than receive. Let's keep it simple. It's mainly an excuse to have a toddy and listen to Christmas tunes anyway. We can all fix a tasty snack and make an evening of it. Lighten up these long gloomy nights."
"I'm all about that," said Betsy. "It's barely past Thanksgiving and it's already so cold. It's way too cold to snow. My friend Stick Man will be home from the North Slope next week. I'll see if he can find us some mushrooms."
"Don't mention that around my husband." said Jodi. "He thinks that makes babies be born with feathers."
The four longtime friends laughed like they'd heard a good off-colored joke. This party was shaping up nicely.
"Let's do a head count. We're coming up on 20-25," said Sandy.
"Once word gets out maybe double that. We always forget someone." said Betsy. Like Susie, Charlene and Carla from the clinic. Dr. Potts and his wife. Phil and Audrey from the bar. Oh, and Kathy Kearny, the County health nurse."
"She's up in Salt Lake at a training seminar."
"We can still invite her boyfriend Roger."
"Dennis and Wendy will want to come too."
"He's such a mountain man. He'll probably be off chasing lions."
"Not at night, dummy."
"We"re going to need a bigger venue." said Bonnie.
"Kids aren't allowed in a bar. Ist verboten."
"How about the church stake center?"
They all cackled again.
"How about the old Episcopalian church? Wasn't your dad's organization, the VFW going to convert it to their clubhouse?" asked Sandy.
"The foundation is cracked. It won't pass inspection." said Jodi.
"It will last another week, I'll bet. Does he still have the keys?"
"I'll ask him. I think he has a Santa suit from them too."
"Now we need is a candidate for our Santa." said Betsy.
"Let me think on that one." said Jodi.
Jodi's first thought to play Santa was Nicholas Gunderson, a local character of some renown.
He was single, in his mid 20s. He was young, studly and handsome. He was also feeling the effects of oxygen deprivation, an unfortunate product of a construction accident where he had been covered up by the collapse of a trench wall as he was installing new sewer lines in an infrastructure upgrade in the small town of Emery
His crew was able uncover him and successfully revive him, but the amount of time he had been unable to breathe had left him with a simple-minded yet happy-go-lucky perspective.
He was delighted to help out.
"Just show up at the old church in Ferron around 7 PM on Saturday, we'll get you outfitted and you can pass out gifts for the kids. After that, you can join the party."
"Sounds like a plan." Future Santa said.
The rest of the week was spent decorating the converted church with boughs of holly, sprigs of plastic mistletoe and a Colorado Blue Spruce tree. The aroma of its sap filled the hall, helping to set the tone of the occasion. A portable CD player provided mood music.
The stage was set. There was little left to do except make some snacks, buy some firewater
and enjoy the Spirit of the Season.
🎼 It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
Friday, the day before the party, the weather turned bitterly cold. Jodi
and her husband Scott and their two kids pulled up to the old church. As she stepped out into the deep freeze, she hugged her chest and made a dash for the warmth of the interior.
"Oh my God," she said. "My nips are so stiff, I'm afraid they're going to shatter."
She entered the vestibule and shivered off the chill. She looked around and the first thing she noticed was that the ornaments on the tree had been removed and replaced with empty Budweiser cans. It wasn't an entirely bad look.
"Phil and Audrey are already here." Scott said.
"Do you like the tree?" asked Audrey with a beaming smile. "It was Phil's idea. We'll recycle them later."
"It looks fine." said Jodi without much conviction. "It sets the tone."
Out of the side of her mouth she uttered, "Did Betsy get ahold of Stick?"
"I think so. She told me she thought she might be a little late."
"Bummer," said Jodi. "We'll have to work around that."
Scott took in all the decorations. Festive as it was, a Nativity scene was nowhere in sight.
"Where's baby Jesus I wonder?" He asked.
"No telling. Maybe it's too cold out. Mary made him stay home by the fire." Replied Phil.
Scott had to chuckle at that. The thought of the tiny Savior warming his hands and feet made him feel better for some reason. Phil interrupted his weird thoughts.
"It's a pagan holiday anyway. Used to be. Until the holies horned in. It used to be a two week long bash of feasting and fornication.
"Do tell.'
"In northern Europe, they thought the evergreen had mystical powers. It never lost its leaves.
They noticed the days were getting shorter and lit fires to keep the darkness at bay.
The Romans chose the date to celebrate Saturnalia and the birth of Mithra, their sun god.
Shortly after 300 AD the Catholic Church decided it needed a piece of the action, so it added the birth of Jesus to join in.
About 300 AD there was a character called St. Nicholas. He was known for his kindness and generosity. He eventually morphed into Sinter Klaas. Santa Clause. A Coca-Cola ad campaign in the 30s created the image of the jolly fat man with a white beard in a red suit with white trim and blacks boots and red cap. The rest, as they say, is history."
Scott added, "Cheech and Chong wrote a little ditty. 'Santa Clause wears a red suit, he's a communist. Has a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?'"
They both had a chuckle at that one.
People began filtering in, hanging their coats from a nearby rack of hangers, rubbing their hands together to generate warmth and looking around, surveying the scene and smiling, filled with the spirit of human kindness.
"I believe it's high time for a toddy." said Philthy Phil.
"I wholeheartedly concur." The pair headed for the self-serve liquor bar being stocked by the incoming revelers..
The four party planners were reunited and held a short pow-wow.
