Aftermath

"I'm sorry Don. I know I'm going to miss you but it's for the best."

I was ending my 3 month affair with Don Miles. He was a lovely guy and great in bed. He had brought a new zest for life to the bored, fed up woman that I had been when I met him.

In fact my weekly afternoon trysts with Don had been the best possible therapy I could have had. They had put a sparkle into my life and I was a better woman, wife and mother for it. Because I was a better wife, my husband Josh had picked up on it and was giving me the love and attention that I needed. It made me see how much I loved my boring, predictable, stick in the mud husband and how much I needed him. And of course I loved my two kids and certainly I wanted to keep our family together.

So before anything went horribly wrong I had decided to end it with Don.

"Do we really have to end it Carol? Our Thursday afternoons together have been wonderful."

"And for me too," I told him. "But I don't want to risk my marriage and family."

Don nodded acceptance. "Yeah, I suppose you're right."

I felt bad doing this to Don. He had done wonders for me and had even helped to improve my marriage. He was a decent man. I suspected he was on his way to falling in love with me which was another good reason to end the affair. Then Don could find a girl of his own and marry her. I found myself getting a pang of jealousy just from the thought. Don wasn't mine and I had no right to be jealous of him. Perhaps I was becoming too fond of Don.

"You know, Carol, we might not have to end it."

Interesting. What did Don have in mind?

"You know there are quite a lot of husbands who like their wives to go with other men."

I did know that. Some women I knew had husbands with that trait. Most of them had other men 'just to please their husbands'. Until Don I had disapproved of them. I didn't think Josh had that trait. Certainly he had never mentioned it. I said that to Don.

"You could sound him out on it," Don said. "Didn't you say he got turned on when you told him about your old flames?"

I'd forgotten about that. Yes he had. At the time I was embarrassed about my past and the topic had become off-limits between us. Just possibly Josh might have that trait. I knew he wasn't possessive or controlling. He'd even once told me that he liked me being my own person. It made me a better wife for him. But I didn't think he'd include my affair with Don in that.

I felt sad leaving Don's flat for the last time. I was missing him already, and I feared that my marriage would fall back into that same rut it had been before Don. I promised myself that I wouldn't let that happen. That I would keep it exciting and interesting even without Don in my life.

From Don's place I collected the kids from their play dates, got the older one started with his homework and let the younger one help me with getting the family dinner ready for when Josh came home. This used to be a boring chore before I met Don. Now it was good fun and I loved the mother daughter relationship I had with my younger child.

When Josh came home from work he gave me a kiss, played with his kids for a while then laid the table. We all sat around it for our dinner and the conversation flowed freely. Josh believed that getting our kids to tell us about their day and us telling about ours developed the kids' language skills. I'd been wrong to think of Josh as boring and predictable, he was absolutely committed to his family and was only predictable in the sense that he could always be relied on to do his best for us. It almost brought tears to my eyes as I thought how beautiful our family life was. Later, after the children were in bed Josh read them their bed time story.

In bed that night Josh was in the mood for some nooky. I'd already had my quota for the day but I knew better than to deny Josh. In fact I confess to getting a kick out of having two men in one day. It brings out the inner slut in me and I thoroughly enjoyed it as my husband slid into me and started pumping. I came quickly and often. It occurred to me that two men a day was an extremely pleasant arrangement.

It was nearly a week later that the topic came up. It was something on the news about a famous sports star who confessed to enjoy cuckolding. I thought I would sound Josh out on whether he would like me to have another man in my life.

"What do men get out of it?" I asked Josh. I was trying to tread lightly here and phase in the topic so that it came up naturally.

"They get turned on by it," Josh told me.

"So why do some men get all angry and jealous and other men get turned on?"

"The men who are ok with it know all about it so there's no cheating or deceit, I suppose. And they enjoy it."

"How would you feel about it?"

"What you having another man?"

"Yes and you knew about it?"

Josh looked puzzled. "I thought you already were. Don't you see your Don Miles chap on Thursday afternoons?"

Oh my God! Josh knew about me and Don. I was taken completely by surprise. I couldn't think what to say. "How did you find out?"

"You told me."

I certainly didn't tell him. That was the last thing I'd have done.

"Don't you remember? You woke me up in the middle of the night and told me you fancied a man called Don Miles. You said it was some sort of need you had. I was too sleepy to argue and just said 'okay' and went back to sleep.

I was still in a state of shock, getting worse if anything.

"I broke up with him today," I told Josh. "I'm not seeing him anymore."

"That's your decision. It seemed to me that what you had going there was good for you. You've been a lot more relaxed and cheerful. The whole family benefitted."

"You aren't cross with me then?"

"How could I be? I'd said it was okay so you weren't actually cheating. I expected you to tell me about it but when you didn't I supposed you were shy or something. Like you never wanted to talk about your old flames."

So I still had a marriage. Josh seemed to have taken it all in his stride and wasn't concerned. But my heart was still pounding and there were butterflies in my stomach.

He didn't seem at all upset so dare I try total honesty? That would be easier. I knew I was confused and my mind in a turmoil. I needed time to think. "Let's have some tea, Josh, and we can talk about it."

"All right. I'll make it." Josh went out to the kitchen. I sat and tried to get my mind working again. Josh knew I'd been seeing Don and he didn't seem to mind. Did he really not mind? If he'd been seeing another woman I'd have killed both of them. But that's me. And he knew about it but he hadn't said anything or even given any hint that he knew. How the heck did he know? I was sure I hadn't told him. I thought I was keeping my guilty secret.

Josh came in with a tray of tea things. "Let it brew for a while," he said putting it down.

"Josh, you seem to have taken my thing with Don very calmly. How is that? Is it that you don't care?"

"I remember thinking before it started that you were looking and acting a bit ragged. Like you were depressed and fed up with it all. I was trying to think of something exciting for you that we could afford and the kids would enjoy too."

He was right. I remembered I had been feeling run down.

"Then you came up with this Don Miles thing and it seemed like an answer. You picked a damned good time to tell me about it though. I don't think I'd have agreed if I'd been fully awake."

"I still don't remember telling you. Was I talking in my sleep?"

"You spoke clearly and articulately, like you normally speak. I assumed you'd been lying awake thinking about it. Sometimes you talk in your sleep and it's meaningless babble."

I poured the tea to gain thinking time. "How did you feel about it?"

"I was concerned that it would be bad for our marriage but I couldn't see you running off and breaking up the family. Also I felt a bit humiliated that I wasn't enough man for you. Against that I thought it might be good for you and restore you to your normal happy, loving self. So on balance I thought to risk it."

I was impressed by Josh's insightfulness. He seemed to understand perfectly. He knew me better than I knew myself. "Josh you don't need to feel humiliated. It was just some excitement and novelty that I needed. That's all. It is no reflection on you as a man."

"Well, it does seem to have done the trick. You are a much better person for it. More loving to me and our children and happier in yourself." Josh paused, then added as an afterthought: "But I am pleased you've stopped seeing him. I wasn't happy about it."

"You didn't get that turn-on effect that some husbands have?"

"No. But sometimes when we're having sex the idea that you'd had some other man's prick inside you will come into my mind and I come there and then. Involuntarily. Otherwise I just feel the humiliation of it"

God! I'd damage Josh's ego. He wasn't an arrogant man to begin with. He had a lovely self- deprecating sense of humour.

"I have a feeling that Don Miles is going to be part of our marriage for some time to come," Josh said, thinking aloud.

I felt an important need to boost Josh somehow. I realised that my affair had undermined him. "Josh, it will fade into the past. I'll never do anything like that again and it will become of no more importance than the guys from before I met you."

"Yeah. You're probably right, Carol."

We let the topic drop and Josh went to do something on his computer. I watched television for a while and went to bed. I was asleep by the time Josh came up.

The next few days we didn't mention my affair. Life seemed to go on as normal. I could tell Josh was making an effort and I did my best as his wife. I wondered why Josh should feel humiliated by my affair. I was worried that in some way I had harmed him.

I noticed that our love making in bed at night hadn't been happening lately. At first I just missed it and wanted Josh to come on to me. Then I got worried that he didn't fancy me anymore. Eventually I asked him about it.

"I can't get it up," he said and walked away from me, presumably because he was embarrassed about it.

I couldn't let that go. I ran after him. "Josh, can't we talk about this?" I was sure I could help him with it.

"No need. Go back to Don Miles if you want some. Or any other man you fancy who has a prick that works."

It wasn't what Josh said, although that was hurtful enough. It was the coldness in his voice that chilled me to the core. It told me our marriage was over and he no longer cared what I did. I went and had a cry in the bathroom. I knew it was my fault. Don had tried to be forgiving about my affair but in doing so he had made himself impotent. I thought counselling could help, if I could get him to agree to it. But I knew enough to realise this would not be a good time to suggest it.

That evening we had our usual family supper and I could see how much Josh loved our kids, even if he had gone off me. I thought again what a good man he was and how badly I had let him down. When he came downstairs from reading them their bedtime stories he actually apologised to me for speaking coldly earlier. "I'm sorry Carol. You just caught me at a wrong time there."

My immediate reaction was relief that my marriage could be saved. Then I tried to see it from Josh's point of view. "As wrong times go, that must have been the ultimate."

Josh actually smiled. "Yeah, it was."

"What were you thinking?"

"I was hating not being able to get an erection. I had to let other men fuck my wife for me. I was feeling particularly useless as a husband."

I was trying to think of a reply to that when Josh went on: "I was thinking if you wanted a divorce I'd let you and the kids go and you could find yourself a better man. I was wondering if that wasn't the right thing to do. Wouldn't you be happier with someone like Don Miles?"

"God no!" I cried, shocked to the core that Josh should even mention divorce.

"Well, at least his prick works," Josh said.

I was distraught. "Dammit Josh there's a lot more to a man than his prick. There's love and affection, being a good provider to his family, the love he gives his kids and the example he sets them. There is no man who could replace you Josh."

"Except in bed."

What could I say? I had the sense of being a complete failure as Josh's wife. What the hell had I been thinking when I was having my affair? How utterly stupid I'd been.

Over the next few days I kept out of Josh's way, except for family meals. He was cordial enough. He was going to some pains to keep things warm between us but deep down I suspected he despised me. It was about two weeks later I plucked up the courage to mention counselling to him. "I don't think it will work Carol. I know what's wrong with me and no amount of counselling will fix it."

"What is wrong? Is it because you still can't get an erection?"

"That is a symptom. It's me being your cuckold that is wrong with me."

"What can I do? I can't undo what I did?"

"I want a divorce Carol."

I died a kind of death on hearing those words.

"It doesn't need to be the end of us though. We can carry on as we have been these last few years. Keep the family together. Just that if I'm no longer your husband then I'm no longer your cuckold. I think then my prick will work again and we can fornicate to our hearts' content. It's the best way forward for us Carol."

"All right, Josh," I whispered. I went to our bedroom and had a good cry. I knew I had brought this upon myself. It was all my fault. Josh was a good man who had tried to do the right thing but at such a heavy cost to himself. His impotence was undermining him and he'd got to the point where he couldn't stand to be my husband. And I couldn't blame him.

Josh had the divorce papers served, a court date was set and at the hearing the judge's main concern was the welfare of our two children. Josh's lawyer explained to the judge that we both still loved each other and would remain together under the same roof and would continue to be a loving family. "Then why do you both want to divorce?" the judge asked.

"My client is suffering from erectile dysfunction consequent upon an affair his wife had with another man. He believes that his impotence is psychological in nature and is caused by his status as her cuckold. When he is no longer her husband he ceases to be her cuckold and his potency will be restored,"

The judge, a woman, gave me a withering look, was sympathetic toward Josh and granted a divorce effective there and then. She ordered that the court receive quarterly reports from a social worker regarding the well-being of our children.

We went for a coffee and a snack after the hearing. I felt sick and was reassured by Josh's companionship. Josh noticed I still wore my wedding and engagement rings. "Whatever the legal status you are still my man," I told him.

"Up until you fuck some other man. I couldn't stand going through all that again."

"That's not going to happen, Josh."

"That's exactly what you'd have said on our wedding day too."

I damn' near burst into tears all over again. I realised that my sweet, loving and trusting man had become cynical, disillusioned and embittered. I knew it was all my fault. How the hell could I repair him? At least he was still with me. "Josh, I'd like to see if your theory works. You aren't my cuckold any more. Can I get you working down there?" Sometimes my voice speaks even before I'm aware of the thought.

Josh's face changed. He looked enthusiastic and gave me a loving smile that warmed my heart. "Yes. What a good idea."

On the drive home I gave some thought to what I could do to restore Josh to his former self. I knew we'd have the house to ourselves for a few hours. I thought about what he liked, what would be most likely to work. I had some pleasant erotic thoughts on that drive.

When we got in I undressed Josh in our living room. He would be more self-conscious of being nude there than he would in the bedroom. Being nude had given him half an erection. He seemed quite happy so far. I got him on the settee and took his circumcised prick in my hand. I examined it minutely. It was just an average sized prick, ugly as all pricks are, but this one was particularly important to me. A few light teasing strokes with just one finger got him up to a full erection. It occurred to me that if it was that easy had we really needed to get divorced?

Josh looked pleased. He stood up, got me to my feet and began undressing me. I thought that this was most promising. By the time he had my clothes off I was looking forward happily to the next half hour or so.

In the bedroom Josh kissed me on the lips and on my nipples. His erection was strong . I realised that when everything is going well in a relationship it makes no difference whether or not you are married. I loved this man and he loved me. I was moist and ready for him when he slid into me. It felt so good. Over and above that feeling was an overwhelming sense of relief that Josh loved me in spite of everything and that we were still together. Everything was going to be all right.

"Shit!" Josh said and discharged his semen into me, not 30 seconds after he had first entered. So much for wonderful sex, I thought, trying not to be disappointed.

In fact I wasn't all that disappointed. I knew Josh's prick was working, that he still wanted and loved me. Those were the main things. Josh had never had a problem with premature ejaculations before so this time was probably because he hadn't had any sex in a long while. He'd always been able to delay his ejaculations and come with me on my second or third climax.

It happened again in bed that night. Josh came inside a few seconds and left me wanting more. And it kept on happening for the next two or three weeks. I'd put off speaking to Josh about it because I didn't want to undermine his still fragile self-confidence. I tried hard to not to remember my affair with Don Miles. Back then I had both Josh and Don doing their best to satisfy me and how lovely that had been. Josh himself didn't seem bothered about his premature ejaculation. He was getting his release which, I suppose, was all he wanted. Was it a kind of revenge on me for cheating on him? Then I remembered: back when I'd asked him if he got a turn on effect from me having another man he mentioned an involuntary ejaculation whenever he thought of Don inside me. "I come there and then," he'd said.

So he was still thinking about me having Don. He wasn't yet fully over my affair. He was still damaged by what I'd done to him. All my guilt and anxiety re-surfaced. I did everything I could to show Josh I loved him and needed him.

And I really did love and need him. When he went away on a conference that his firm put on for its managers I missed him so much even though it was only for a long weekend. The kids missed him too. The house was a mausoleum without him. Sleeping alone at night made me realise how lucky I was that I still had him. I didn't mind not being his wife any more. I was content being his woman and having him around.

One of those nights I had a nightmare that he'd left me for ever and I'd never see him again. I woke up in a cold sweat and was too frightened to go back to sleep. Lying there, wide awake feeling both scared and guilt-ridden at the same time I decided that I'd never mention his premature ejaculation to Josh. I just loved him and wanted him for his love and companionship. The loss of the wonderful climaxes he used to give me was the cross I would bear for what I'd done to him.

When Josh came home it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. The kids rushed out to greet him and he came in carrying both the kids. He put them down, gave me a hug and a kiss. "Bet you didn't miss me a bit," he said. If only he knew.