After the Fact

Storyline: Does knowing change anything?

Author's Note:

First off, I want to thank Randi for another invite to her annual Saint Paddy's Day event. I truly hope it isn't her last, but I understand her position. I've really enjoyed being a part of it. I always choose a subject that I believe she would enjoy reading and appreciate. Hopefully, this one meets those criteria.

This story is another one of my conversation offerings. It is between a husband and a wife. It takes place in about an hour. Hence, it is merely a snapshot in time. (that's a trigger warning for those that need all questions answered for them) Albeit one with profound and life-altering ramifications.

Real Knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

Confucius

Story:

"Oh...my...God, Brandon. That was fantastic! Fifty-one-year-old Madison Jackson exclaimed breathlessly, as she flung herself off her husband and collapsed on the bed beside her him while panting heavily. Cowgirl was her favorite position, and tonight was no exception. Madison's advantage was that it gave her a sense of power and control over their love making and her enjoyment. She didn't really view it as a dominant submissive issue, but for the last several years it was the only way she would orgasm from intercourse. To be sure though, she did get a thrill from the presumed power of it too.

When they first married, Madison and Brandon's sex life was what could accurately be described as enthusiastic, but fairly tame. Madison wasn't all that experienced, so she had just assumed the missionary position was how sex was done. Over the years though she had grown to really enjoy sex and was willing to experiment much more. Now though, when they had sex, it was always this way. Brandon asked her about it numberless years ago.

Madison was honest with Brandon and openly discussed her reasons for enjoying cowgirl the most. He had just laughed and said he didn't mind for a couple of reasons. Not the least of which was because she had to do most of the work! The other was watching her facial contortions as she neared orgasm and the way her breasts bounced. He laughed that he was afraid the effect her wildly gyrating breasts had on him would eventually make him cross-eyed.

Brandon's only response to Madison's positive declaration to the success of their evening's union was a satiated, euphoric grunt. He was too physically spent and satiated to muster the energy to formulate a more coherent retort. The room became filled with a comfortable and familiar silence that only partners could experience having been in a solid long-term marriage. When a couple is in their fifties, this part is far more satisfying and meaningful than the sex act itself.

This was especially true for Madison. She lived for these moments. Alone in her thoughts, as she often did, let her mind drift through the numerous and varied stages of their life together. Sometimes the memories came to her so thick it would bring tears to her eyes. Their courtship and their stumbling first uncomfortable sexual experiences together. Their almost daily wonderings of how they would make their next month's rent. Their terror-filled days of starting their family with all the trials and tribulations they entailed. The pubescent and teenage angsts and rebellions from all three of their children as each tried to navigate their way out of childhood. Sometimes it all seemed so distant. She worried that they would eventually fade from her memory.

Now it was back to just the two of them. The circle of life was complete, and she felt it was a glorious and contented time. She was looking forward to the next phase of their lives with great anticipation. Grandkids.

When her breathing had returned to a somewhat normal pattern, Madison rolled back against Brandon and hooked her leg over his. She didn't care one bit that Brandon's once hard body from his twenties had evolved into a soft 'dad bod.' Afterall, her own figure now stood as a monument to having birthed and raised three children. Madison felt his chest hair against her cheek as she idly stroked his slowly deflating erection. Madison inhaled deeply as she savored their smell together, the familiar and sweet fragrant odor of their sex. She loved this part. Madison, without any serious forethought, and seeking only a routine validation of where they were in life, casually asked.

"Brandon, have you ever cheated on me?"

It was something she'd never asked him before. There was no reason to, so she spoke confidently. It definitely wasn't an accusation from an untrusting wife trying to catch an unfaithful spouse. It was an almost rhetorical request from a secure place in Madison's heart. She was simply looking for substantiation for the deep, soul-satisfying connection she felt with her husband of almost thirty years.

Upon hearing her question, Brandon drifted into a melancholy state. He clasped his hands behind his head. He turned his eyes and gazed inquisitively at his wife. He was looking for any hint from her expression that might give him information on how he should answer Maddie's sure-to-come follow-up questions. His outward demeanor notwithstanding, his mind had suddenly fallen into turmoil.

He wondered if Dr. Vicksburg's warnings would finally come to pass. He sighed again. He had always felt that he had a fifty-fifty chance that his wife would ever ask him this question. After an extended and emotional period grappling with how he would answer her, Brandon had long ago settled on, if asked, he would tell the truth. If not, he would take it to his grave with him. He wouldn't lie. He couldn't, could he?

But, life had been good for him since then. Very good. What was there to be gained from confronting the hard truth at this point? After all, it was ancient history. What would be the point of hurting her now? And he didn't doubt it would hurt her deeply. It would possibly signal the end of what was a good marriage. It was at least better than most guys he knew. Lying would have been so easy, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't in his DNA.

Brandon had ages ago made peace with his past actions and personal failings. So, he was not at all emotional or apologetic with his response. Maybe he was more resigned than detached? Almost twenty years had passed since he spent the weekend in another woman's bed. He also accepted that Madison's reaction to his revelation would be far different than his.

Oh well, change is inevitable. The tricky part was how to control the ramifications,

he had mused many times.

Still, having come to those conclusions in the abstract was far different than directly facing the cold hard reality of a confrontation with Maddie. He exhaled sadly. It didn't escape him that before they married all those decades ago, they had both discussed their position on fidelity as a policy of one and done, period. End of story.

Brandon had correctly assumed that Madison was certain of his fidelity right up until a few moments ago. "

Maybe her position has changed over the years?"

He sarcastically snickered silently to himself. He wasn't confident that was the case. It had taken him almost twenty years to accept what he had done.

What's done is done, nothing to do now but deal with the consequences.

He remembered his therapist telling him that if he didn't talk about what he had done soon, one day there would most likely be an ugly reckoning.

I guess tonight is that night. What if I had told her right after I had done it? Would that have been better? Would we be anywhere close to where we are now. Or would it have fallen apart long ago? What about our kids? What would have become of them?

Brandon spoke with a sense of tranquility that time had purchased for him. He paused for a moment. Then he cautiously released another long, deep, slow breath before speaking.

"Only once, Sweetheart."

Madison had closed her eyes blissfully awaiting verification of the loving marriage she knew she enjoyed. Her eyes shot open as she flinched sharply. She snapped into a kneeling position over Brandon's midsection. When Madison looked into his eyes, she immediately knew he wasn't joking. It confirmed what she already deduced from his manner of speech. She stared into his eyes. "What the hell, Brandon? What did you just say?" She started to hyperventilate. "WHAT...DID...YOU...JUST...SAY?" She repeated with a deep growl in a state of shocked anger she had never experienced before.

Madison, as she continued to straddle him, began to furiously pummel Brandon's chest with both fists. She was screaming obscenities he didn't even know she could pronounce. Her tears splattered on him. He waited for her to wind herself down. It seemed to take forever. Finally, physically exhausted, Madison stumbled from their marital bed. Perhaps for the last time? She threw on her robe and retreated from the room without bothering to tie it. No matter. They were alone now, their three children having long ago left the nest to begin their own life journeys.

Believing that discretion was the better part of valor in this situation, Brandon didn't follow her straightaway. He continued to lay in their bed silently, contemplating his next moves. He could hear her slamming cabinet doors, glass shattering as objects crashed onto the terra-cotta tile floor of the kitchen. Then there was the furniture being upended.

In between the sounds of destruction were Madison's loud bouts of sobbing. After things quieted down, Brandon pulled on his sleep shorts and headed to the kitchen for the confrontation he had hoped would never come. Was he walking the Green Mile? Time would tell.

Madison had finally exhausted herself, leaving her completely spent because of the intensity of her unrestrained fury. Madison surveyed the damage she had wrought to her kitchen, which she loved so much. She thought quickly that what she was observing was an apt metaphor for the destruction of her marriage. To avoid collapsing, she braced herself against the stainless-steel double basin sink.

How could he do this to me? The man I know couldn't have done this to us. Did I ever know him? What do I do now?

She couldn't rationally process information in her current state.

I have to get out of here. I can't breathe! I need to...

When he had reached the kitchen, Brandon casually folded his arms, crossed his bare legs, and leaned up against the door jamb unnoticed. He carefully surveyed the carnage that met his eyes. A dazed Madison was leaning over the sink grasping the counter's edge with both hands and slowly shaking her head. There were broken dishes and glasses strewn about haphazardly. There was an upper cabinet door hanging loosely from its one remaining hinge. None of the four chairs at the island counter remained upright. Brandon noticed she was barefoot, and he hoped she hadn't lacerated one or both of her feet. He watched her begin to hyperventilate when he noticed it.

"Maddie, you're bleeding, your foot." No response. He repeated himself, much louder this time. "Maddie, honey, you're bleeding!" He was alarmed even though it didn't appear to be a serious cut.

"Dammit, Brandon! Forget my foot. What the hell did you do?" Her distress was obvious. Ten minutes ago, she thought she had one of the best marriages in the world. Now, here she was standing, practically naked in her destroyed kitchen in the middle of the night, bleeding and confronting a cheating husband. Actions from someone she would have never suspected in a million years. "You cheat on me, and the first thing you say is, 'my foot is bleeding?'"

"Really, sweetheart, your foot...is...bleeding." He pointed towards it unnecessarily.

"For god's sake, Brandon! Forget my damn foot? How the hell could you do this to me, to us, to our family?" Ten minutes had changed every perception of the marriage she thought she had. Really, she had always been the envy of her friends. They jokingly referred to them as 'Ken and Barbie.' Now she found herself in the middle of an unimaginable nightmare.

Brandon didn't speak for several moments but nodded his head in acknowledgment as to the legitimacy of her question. He gave a heartbroken shrug as he remembered. The pain weighed like an anvil on his chest.

"I wanted to give the kids as normal a childhood as possible in a two-parent household." He was choking up remembering the nightmarish memories of that time. "It was the only way that I could see to salvage our marriage." His voice sounded weak and tired.

"What the hell are you talking about, Brandon? Are you crazy?" Madison had now angrily turned to face him. "That's the stupidest thing you've ever said!"

Brandon began to tear up. He quickly tried to wipe the dampness from his eyes. "Well, after you cheated on me with Clinton Brookhaven, on that business trip you took twenty years ago..." He never got to finish his statement. His declaration was interrupted by the sound of Madison collapsing onto the floor in a sitting position in stunned disbelief. Her eyes pleading, her jaw was moving but no words were forthcoming. All she could do was sputter incoherently. As Brandon watched, frozen unable to react to the tableau unfolding before him, Madison fainted and slid sideways to the tile floor unconscious.

There, it was. Naked unto them both. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no turning back. They both had to deal with it now. Brandon remembered how badly he had wanted to hurt her when she returned from that business trip. He had a visceral and raging need to shove her infidelity down her throat. He wanted to be the one to go into a furor. He wanted to be the one to go into a tantrum and throw things around the house. He had wanted to destroy everything they had accumulated in their ten years together.

He especially recalled wanting to confront her with her betrayal, even tell their young children what a slut their mom was. He wanted to throw their wedding photo into the roaring fireplace when she returned from her assignation. He wanted to scream at her, call her vicious vile names. He fantasized about shaking her viciously demanding to know why. It was a good thing she didn't return home for a few days after he found out about her treachery. He had time to think, to contemplate what the future might be for him and his children. It wasn't a pretty picture.

Brandon, having recovered from his thoughts, finally scurried to her side. She was exhibiting signs of going into shock. Although breathing, she was extremely pale, had a rapid pulse with quick shallow breaths. He quickly grabbed a towel and wet it, then placed it on her forehead as he shifted her to an upright sitting position. He became frightened at the thought his revelation may have killed his wife. He called her name several times and gently shook her. She appeared to be coming around. "Maddie, Maddie, wake up!"

The gravity and ferociousness of Madison's reaction didn't shock Brandon. His therapist had warned him how cheaters rationalize their behavior. 'It's not as if they support infidelity, it's just that its impact is diminished over time. Everyone needs to believe they are good and ethical.' He also told Brandon that 'all of us excuse our bad behavior to the point where it, at the very least, no longer paints us in a bad light.' Oddly, the one-time cheater tended to suffer more guilt than a recurrent unfaithful spouse, he had been told. No one wants to believe they are a bad person. They must reconcile their indiscretions with their current and unshakable belief that they are moral and good. They rationalize their bad behavior as a necessary act of self-defense. A unique trait of human beings is their unlimited capacity for self-delusion. Brandon assumed this to be true in Madison's case.

Madison shook her head trying to clear the mental cobwebs. She was stunned. It was a shocking revelation. She was having trouble wrapping her head around the ramifications of what Brandon had just told her. Her carefully crafted world. The one in which she was so comfortable wearing the mantel as the controlling partner position in her marriage to an unsuspecting husband, had been a hollow falsehood. Her confused gaze came into focus as she stared into Brandon's eyes. Her stare followed him as he slowly sat next to her.

"B-B-Brandon, I-I-I don't know, don't know what to say..." Her voice tailed off without finishing her sentence. An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Her mind was racing, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control and minimize what she had done all those years ago. But the anger she felt towards Brandon overwhelmed her many other thoughts.

How could he?

Over the years, Madison had come to accept the fact that she had strayed but took pride in the fact she had maintained her secret. It was one that she periodically enjoyed remembering. Sometimes, in the ensuing years, she took a delicious guilty pleasure in that experience. Madison knew in her heart; it was an adventure that her husband never had.

Madison had also come to believe that her memories of the nights she spent with Clinton were actually a good thing. It helped her cope with the stresses of marriage, motherhood, work, etc. Oh, she was sorry she had cheated and never again had done so. Some tiny residual feelings of guilt certainly remained, but those were overpowered by her pretenses. Honestly, over time her dalliance had mostly morphed into a soothing little guilty pleasure. Being able to keep that a secret had transformed into a comfortable feeling of superiority. She wasn't really smug about it, but it did give her comfort that she had her world under control. She could finally enjoy the satisfying feeling of the naughtiness from her weekend fling without that nagging guilt that plagued her for the first several years following her liaison.

Even now, at this crucial time, she couldn't help but think back to that incident. It made her shiver as she remembered...God, it felt so good, she was so alive, when Clinton had started flirting with her. Her body tingled all over. The sexual innuendo, the light touches, the flirty dancing eyes devouring her body. It was all so, so surreal. It seemed almost an out-of-body experience for her. One minute, it was a sensual dance of seduction, and the next moment, she was spending several nights in Clinton's bed doing things she never thought she was capable of, over and over again. Besides, she firmly believed Brandon had become the beneficiary of her education during that week.

She shook herself out of her reverie as Madison realized Brandon was speaking to her.

"Maddie, Sweetheart, are you with me? I need to explain why."

While Madison couldn't respond verbally, she beckoned for him to continue by weakly rolling her hand at him.

"It wasn't an easy decision, and I didn't come to it lightly. I had tremendous difficulty in dealing with it.

"I underwent months of therapy through work so you wouldn't know. My anger had receded to a point that allowed me to look at things more rationally. I came to realize that what you did was a one off. I understood you weren't a promiscuous slut. I accepted that it was just something that happened..."

"B-b-but, if you were coming to grips with it. If your anger was coming under control, then why not just leave it alone? You told me that you accepted that I wasn't unhappy with our marriage, that I wasn't promiscuous, that it was just 'something that happened,' why couldn't you just let it go?" Madison began to cry again as she pleaded with him. They were tears of anger and frustration now. "I can't believe you cheated on me!" She practically screamed at him. He briefly thought about moving away from her to avoid getting hit in the chest again.