ACCEPTING WIFE'S FUCK BUDDY
I asked her if there was anything that she had to have in our marriage that we hadn't talked about, conditions she'd want to discuss or things she would want me to do. Without hesitating, Claire said, "I have a fuck buddy, and I would have to have that continue." She looked me up and down. "You an old fashion boy who has to have his wife wear a chastity belt? You one of those possessive, macho, "my wife can only fuck me" boys?" she asked.
"Well, I am not a caveman, but I figure a wife should be faithful," I said. "Does that mean you have to drop your fuck buddy? I don't know. I will have to think on that."
"That could be a deal breaker," she said. "I won't want to give up Chris," she said.
"So your fuck buddy's name is Chris?" I said. "Known him long?" I said.
"Since the fourth grade. He was my first way back in my freshman year of college," she said. "Since then we been together sexually at least twice a year. I usually see him in June and then again in November. If we get married, I would want that tradition to continue. If you can't handle that, then we have to talk. I understand if you can't, but it would be a problem."
"Tell me about him," I said. "Is he good looking?"
"Not especially," she said.
"Smart?"
"Not so," she said casually.
"Rich?"
"He's just a friend," she said sounding as if she was losing patience.
"One you've had sex with for years," I said.
"Right," she replied quietly.
"One you want to keep having sex with?" I said.
"True," she said. "Which means I am a wicked slut?"
"Which means you're a horny chick with a fuck buddy," I said. "I always wanted a fuck buddy, now I have a wife with one."
"Lucky you," she said.
"I am lucky," I said. "I have a partner who I love, who is beautiful, smart, fun to be with, and caring. I am one of the luckiest guys in the world. All she has to do is love me."
"I do," she replied with a smile.
"Then that's all I ask," I said. "All I have to do is love her, and give her a vacation from me twice a year. That is not too much to ask," I said.
"Could you do that?" she asked.
"I could move mountains for the chance," I said. "You don't ask for much. I love you. I love to be allowed in your life. I need to find a way to thank you. This might be just the way," I said.
"You would do that?" she asked.
"That and move mountains," I said.
"The mountains might be easier thing to do," she said with a smile.
"I am willing to try," I said, "if you will always come home to me," I added. "Will you?"
"I promise," she said.
"Then it's a deal," I said.
That night we went to bed and made love. We didn't just have sex. We made love: slow, deliberate, passionate love. It was the kind of sex that defined a relationship and convinced me my decision was a sound one. We stretched out facing one another, on our sides, kissing and holding one another. Her right leg was up, over my hip, my erection deep in her and moving slowly, going in and out steadily as she moved to meet my thrusting.
We each seemed to want to delay our climax as long as possible, extending the pleasure and savoring the love we both felt. It was the kind of lovemaking that sealed the deal, confirm our love, and brought us together. When we finally did come, or at least I did, we stayed together for a long time, holding one another, feeling the closeness and the love.
Finally, I got up and let her sleep. I even watched her sleep for a short time and felt a charge as I realized I had made a commitment to love her unconditionally and I was grateful. I had agreed to accept her needs and adjust to whatever it would take.
I began thinking about what it would take to comply with her wishes and have her see her fuck buddy twice a year. I had never met him, and I only knew his first name. She had told me his name was Chris, and I didn't know much else about him, except that he was her first. I think I was like her fifth, although that doesn't bother me, I don't count notches on her bedposts. The important thing is I share an address with her and the same last name now.
I decided I needed to talk with men who had been in open marriages. I wanted to ask how they managed it. I intended to ask what they did to handle the idea that another man was making love to their wife. It was important for me to know what they did and how the felt about sexual freedom in their marriages.
There was a man named Michael who I'd met at work and someone had said he was openly a swinger. I thought I would talk to him, hear what he had to say, what his experience had been, how he had managed, how it was working for him and his wife. I also found a website that dealt with the subject and gave statistics and information for people who were considering going that way.
I also found an article by a local couple who had organized a open marriage counseling service and advised couples who were thinking about opening up their marriages. There was also a Q and A for men involved in open relationships.
First I talked to Michael. He was easy to talk to and was not shy at all about discussing pros and cons of extramarital relationships. "So, you considering going that way?" he said bluntly. I said I was, explained our situation, and he nodded. "Not that unusual," he said. "Women are feeling more empowered. They are more honest these days about their sexual wants and needs. You best listen," he said, "cause if you don't, you got trouble for sure. You may end up living alone. It just comes down to this: do you love her enough to give her space. If you don't, don't say you can, because the truth will come out. You can't fake acceptance. You either can or you can't. Telling yourself you will if you won't is a tragedy waiting to happen," he said.
"Some men can, some can't. It's just not in them," he said. "It's like wanting to be tall. If you can't reach it, wanting to be taller won't help. There are things about yourself you have to find out. You have to find them out before you jump out of the plane. If both people are comfortable with their sexuality, are secure about themselves, and are honest with their mate, it can be a wonderful and fulfilling experience. However, if you're not ready, it can be hell."
He also told me about the website that answered questions guys have about the topic. I felt better after talking to Micheal. A lot better. He had said to think back over my sexual history, see how I had reacted to her desires and the dynamics of the relationship. I thought back over things that happened between us and just the way we reacted to one another.
There was nothing obvious. No red flags that I could see that would indicate a lack of security or sexual vulnerability. The person I should ask about this, I realized, was Claire, of course. I asked her if she remembered anything in our past that would indicated I would have a problem accepting Chris.
"You mean like a macho prick thing?" she said.
"That's one way to put it," I said.
"No, if you had I wouldn't be here," she said assertively.
"I have been talking to people," I said, "about open marriage and doing what you'd like to do. Some thought it was crazy, some thought it was the sanest thing in the world," I said.
"So what did you think?" she asked.
"I thought it was a personal decision I was about to make," I said. "Seems I love you enough to give you space enough to be who you really are," I said. "Read about people who do the same and they manage. Read about people who couldn't. Guess it comes down to who we want to be and who we really are," I said. "Fact is, I do love you enough," I said.
